Re: shinee; jongyu; 2
anonymous
October 8 2011, 11:57:54 UTC
would you mind if i asked you how i could go about fixing it, anon? i know what you're saying, i think, but it'd be nice to know which points you thought needed improving.
Re: shinee; jongyu; 2
anonymous
October 8 2011, 12:11:44 UTC
I pretty much meant what I said: I'll try to be more clear though. One thing you could do is keep the hes just for Jonghyun and since Jinki doesn't come up that often (at least in this excerpt but then if this is in media res etc IDK I'm probably completely off) so he could stay just Jinki? Because I felt that in He doesn't know when it'll end, nor does he know if he'd even like it to, thoughts entangling themselves too tightly in his head for Jonghyun to keep track of them all. the Jonghyun is a little awkwardly placed. It made me get confused because they is obviously now a non-entity (?)and for a second thought he was Jinki and not Jonghyun. Then at He's beautiful, he thinks the third-person usage is very random. And the shift from a consistent they to suddenly here He doesn't let it bother him stood out because going back and connecting the it to the supposed physical assault on him is just too messy. I hope I'm a bit clearer now. >
Re: shinee; jongyu; 2
anonymous
October 9 2011, 02:42:33 UTC
sorry i'm late! i went through the parts you pointed out, and just wanted to let you know that i'm going through, changing some things you brought to my attention. thank you for your input! it was really helpful.
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