The Loneliest Feeling of All - Part 2
Title: The Loneliest Feeling of All - Part 2/4
Pairing: Koyama Keiichiro/Yamashita Tomohisa
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Koyama's chances to tell Yamapi he's in love with him keep being taken away.
Notes: Ah, sorry, it's a little later than I thought it would be. I had a dentist appointment for like 3 hours though. Please enjoy though. :-)
Part 1
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Yamapi loved the beach and so Koyama loved the beach too. There was nothing he preferred than spending the day watching Yamapi enjoying the beach, watching him surfing and swimming and sunbathing. When they went to the beach, alone or in a group, he couldn’t keep the smile off his face. Anything that made Yamapi happy, made Koyama happy as well.
Right now, they were at the ocean, just the two of them. Yamapi was quite a bit farther out than Koyama, but Koyama didn’t mind, he liked to stay back a bit just so he could watch Yamapi. There was something about Yamapi at the beach that made him even more untouchable. The way the sun hit his skin, the reflection of the light on his muscles, the water droplets curving down his abs, the…the…god I need to stop thinking about this. Koyama let his eyes move away from Yamapi. He followed the line of the horizon, tried to find something else to watch, something beyond Yamapi. His only problem was that Yamapi was the most affecting sight on the beach. The image of pure love, pure happiness.
Koyama was so rigorously focused on watching Yamapi that he didn’t even notice the sudden increase in size of the waves rolling towards him. In fact he was so focused he hardly even noticed there were any waves at all. That was until one wave knocked him over and backwards towards the beach again. As the water pulled away from him, his fingers dug into the sand beneath him and the thought that he was so focused, so infatuated, so obsessed, set him off into a laughing fit. His face fell forward a bit, letting his cheek rest against the sand as his whole body racked with laughter. This is ridiculous, Koyama thought to himself, which only made him laugh more.
He caught site of Yamapi moving back towards the beach, towards Koyama, calling out “Kei-chan, Kei-chan, are you alright?” as he did. He was doing something that was half way between swimming and running. Koyama thought it would be nice to know what you could call this. He tried a variety of word squishes for it, rimming, rumming, and swinning, all of which sounded ridiculous. Again he burst into laughter, still pressed against the sand.
“Kei, are you alright?” Yamapi’s voice was just above him now. One of his warm hands found its way to Koyama’s shoulder and squeezed it lightly.
Koyama turned his head and looked up at Yamapi, the goofy grin still plastered on his voice. The look on Yamapi’s face was practically the opposite, scared and nervous. When Koyama’s eyes met Yamapi’s though, the look on Yamapi’s face changed completely. He calmed immediately, though his hand stilled rubbed gently at Koyama’s shoulder.
“I’m alright.” Koyama said, still grinning wildly. He slowly pushed himself up, still laughing gently as his rose to stand beside Yamapi.
The warmth of Yamapi’s hand on his shoulder remained, his palm never separating from the skin on Koyama’s shoulder even as he stood. Inside it was nearly driving Koyama wild. The contact was so intimate, so much like the things Koyama often imagined. If only Yamapi knew what this is doing to me… he thought to himself.
Koyama decided that he wouldn’t let this make him unhappy. There was no use to feel unhappy. It was a nice day, he was with his favourite person, at their favourite place and they were having fun. He would not let his unrequited love and desire rip apart their friendly trip to the beach. The grin stayed on his lips as he thought this over. Today is a great day.
“I was so worried.” Yamapi explained, his palm still rubbing soft circles on Koyama’s shoulder. “One second you were there, and I was about to call you over to show you something…but before I could…you were gone. It scared me. When you didn’t get up afterwards…that scared me too.”
Koyama hardly saw Yamapi lose his cool, normally he had an even temperament and was perfectly calm. Now, in front of Koyama’s eyes, Yamapi was losing his cool. The panic had returned to his eyes and his corners of his lips had begun to tug downwards. Somewhere in the midst of his thought he had also reached out to touch Yamapi’s shoulder in return. Koyama tried his best to soothe him. “I’m fine, don’t worry about it. I thought it was kind of funny.”
“IT WASN’T FUNNY!” Yamapi yelled. His calm temperament now completely shattered. His breath was uneven and his cheeks had begun to flare red - for a moment Koyama almost thought he saw tears in Yamapi’s eyes.
Koyama was startled by this outburst and drew his hand back and away from Yamapi. “I’m sorry,” he murmured awkwardly, “I didn’t mean to upset y-”
“I didn’t know what to think. I mean…there were lots of things I was thinking…maybe he’s dead or unconscious…but I was scared Kei. So it’s not funny…it’s not.” As he spoke, his fingers gripped Koyama’s shoulder tightly, nails digging further in with each word, until he finished and released Koyama’s shoulder - only to grab on again and slowly rub across the abused skin.
“I’m sorry Yamapi. I didn’t mean to scare you. I didn’t even think you had noticed that the wave hit me…I didn’t mean to upset you.” Koyama mumbled these sentences over and over, the smile on his face completely wiped away. The laughter he has experienced moment before felt distant and surreal in his mind now. Before he realized it his body was shaking again, now with pitiful sobs. I always seem to be crying these days he thought bitterly.
Soon he found himself in Yamapi’s strong arms, the muscles pressing tightly to his skin. The two of them trembled against each other, both crying and sobbing desperately. As his hands found their way around Yamapi’s waist he realized how pathetic the two of them must have looked. Two grown men sobbing in each other arms over a stupid wave at the beach, we’re really pitiable aren’t we? Of course he couldn’t say this out loud, wouldn’t risk ruining the mood any further. He chose, instead, to pull himself closer to Yamapi, curling his face into the crook of Yamapi’s neck and continuing to sob.
This went on for a long time. Yamapi seemed to have lost all self control, for he was the one who cried the longest of the two of them. All the while, Koyama ran his hands across Yamapi’s bare shoulders and massaged his back carefully. The contact was making his head spin, but he knew he couldn’t take this as anything more than friendship. They were friends who needed each other’s support. Yamapi was surely more emotional about his heavy work load and his daily stresses than he was about Koyama’s little incident with the wave earlier. Koyama decided that he would push aside his feelings and take care of his friend, his leader. Clearly, he conclude, his leader needed his help and that was more important than anything else.
When they finally parted it was awkward for a moment. Yamapi had pulled away - only far enough that their chests were no longer touching - but his hands still held onto Koyama’s forearms. Both sets of eyes were fixed on the ground between them. Everything both wanted to say held within rather than spoken out loud.
Neither returned to the water that day, they chose to lie out on the sand for the remainder of the day. The lay side by side, Koyama ensured that they weren’t touching - there had been too much contact for one day already. They didn’t speak much either, Koyama was so nervous he wasn’t sure he would be able to even say good-bye to Yamapi and he was sure that Yamapi was uncomfortable with his own display of emotion and was therefore keeping to himself.
The silence allowed Koyama to think things over. He didn’t want to over-think what had happened so he let his thoughts wander to possible times when he could tell Yamapi his feelings. He worked out several plans, each one more outrageous than the previous. He often did this when he was bored at home, or had free time during filming. He looked at it as a game sometimes, a game where he could laugh at his own wild imagination. Other times it was serious and painful, he realized he would never have the nerve to confess to Yamapi so thinking up plans was pointless. Today he let it be a game and inwardly laughed at his ridiculous daydreams of confession. Today can still be a good day.
When the day came to an end they went home in separate vehicles, the same way they had arrived. Koyama watched from beside his own car as Yamapi opened the door to his convertible. Yamapi looked up briefly, a hint of a smile in his eyes, and said good-bye. This little gesture had Koyama’s heart pounding, and for some reason he felt hopeful.
“Yamapi!” He called out, his hand reaching forward as if to stop Yamapi from leaving.
Yamapi stopped from climbing into his car, his gaze shifted to meet Koyama’s, the smile still danced in his eyes. “Yeah?”
“Uhm…just…” Koyama realized today wasn’t the day. Now isn’t the time. The day had already been awkward as it was; there was no need to spoil it further. He glanced down at the sand and gravel beneath his feet before looking back up. “See you at work tomorrow,” he muttered.
Koyama saw a hint of disappointment in Yamapi’s eyes as he nodded in acknowledgement. Soon he had disappeared into his car and was driving away. Koyama slumped against his car and sighed. Today was supposed to be a good day.
After starting his car he looked up at the horizon. Sunset. He had always dreamed of confessing at sunset, having a romantic date at sunset, kissing at sunset…sunsets were romantic. He chuckled bitterly, “I’m such a girl.”
As the sun finished setting tears dripped from the corners of his eyes. This time he had taken his own chance away and had ruined the day. He told himself over and over that he was an idiot. For the second time that day he found himself sobbing miserably. This time there was no one to comfort him, no one to hold him tightly and squeeze his shoulders. He thought back in the day, to the moment he had called Yamapi the image of pure love and he suddenly felt guilty. Love was lonely, and no one as striking and remarkable as Yamapi should be compared to that. Yamapi deserved a better title. He deserved so much more than Koyama could ever offer.
Koyama’s sobbing increased in volume. Being in love, he thought amidst his crying, was pathetic.
-end of part 2
comment are lovely. : ]
also I'm sorry if there are mistakes, it's un-betaed and i was in a hurry.