(no subject)
It's strange coming back to the stories I wrote over a decade ago because I have such a terrible memory. I remember writing them, but not much of the stories themselves, and it's almost like reading something a stranger wrote. There were twists and things I forgot about, which surprised me like the whole Tom arc.
Stuff about my stories below
Yesterday, I was re-reading Invictus with dips into NoG to make sure everything in The Relief of Sisyphus lines up now that it's mostly written, and it was breaking my heart reading Chapter 37 of Invictus with Chapter 36 of NoG because they are in such two different places.
I realized, for the first time, something I never noticed before. The problem with Severus, as a character, is that he lies to other people and to himself, so even from his POV, I know there's actually a third perspective, which has been fun to write in RoS, where there's scenes where we discover new things in NoG/Invictus universe, things that weren't written before mostly because Severus didn't acknowledge them back then. Small things, but new things.
I don't know if Severus wasn't aware of this, or I'm just more aware of him now, being on the outside more than being in his head, (or maybe I just forgot this part) but in Invictus, he's jealous of the relationship Dumbledore had with Harry. I didn't realize it until yesterday, when I was reading through for the 4th or 5th time, but then once I saw it, it really transformed a lot of the story for me.
Severus wanted to be loved, that's all he ever wanted. Dumbledore gives Harry love so easily, all the way from the beginning. There's an almost sibling rivalry that Severus isn't consciously aware of, and if I called him out on it, he'd scoff at me and call me an idiot, because why would he, a grown adult, want Dumbledore to love him.
And he'd argue that what Dumbledore feels for Harry isn't love. He'd say Dumbledore raised Harry to be led to the slaughter. He'd say Harry is Dumbledore's tool, nothing more.
But he is jealous, terribly so. Even if he can't admit that to himself. That's part of why he hates Harry so much in the beginning, because he resents that Harry gets so easily what he always wanted but never had - a parental figure who loves and respects him and guides him.
He's nearly killed himself, for Lily yes, but also for Dumbledore, and Dumbledore doesn't trust him any more than Voldemort trusts him.
Voldemort couldn't give that to him, obviously, but that's part of why he went to him initially. Of course, he never sought love from Voldemort, but he did seek respect, to be treated as someone worth teaching and guiding.
Yet, all the while he wants Dumbledore's love and affection and is horribly jealous over how Harry automatically receives it, he needles Dumbledore, fights with him, and pretends to be a monster in order to control him. It's like he can't help himself from destroying the one good relationship he has now, the same way he destroyed the one good relationship he had with her.