No no no no no
I'm sorry. I'm about to angst it up majorly. But there are some things I need to get out, and some things some people need to know, maybe.
Just feelings.
I have just ruined everything.
I had a boyfriend. He was lovely. Okay, I didn't love him, and wasn't really attracted to him enough, and I was lying to him every day I remained with him. But we had good times. And I know I've done the right thing in the long run for him. But he's so depressed, and I have not been able to bring myself to talk to him ever since we broke up and I feel so bad about it. I feel I've lost him as a friend, and I never wanted that to happen, although I knew it might. I want to talk to him properly to make sure he's all right. We used to have wonderful, long, silly, stupid conversations about nothing much, and now we never will again. I've made the right choice, but did it have to be like this? Could I have done it different? Have I lost a marvellous friend?
My love life is up in tatters, but I guess at least now I have what one might call a love life. It wasn't too long ago where the only relationship I'd had was 4 years ago with a boy I hadn't seen in months. But now, right now the one person I care about more than I ever have is somebody I can't be with, and probably in all reality I never will, and that hurts more than I can describe. I am tearing up the lives of everybody around me just by trying to do the right thing. Temptation is too much for me, I can't resist. I don't want anybody hurt because of me, but it seems the people I hold dear are suffering because of me and my actions.
I have been out of college more than a year and have not gotten anywhere. I have no Uni lined up, no job, no prospects. I'm still young. I'm only nineteen. I can still make something of myself, whatever the hell that may be.
I have been teetering over that thin line for months, tipping forward over the brink of depression but always swinging back again. It has never been as bad as it used to be. And maybe I'm just saying this because it's five to one on a Wednesday morning and I am suffering from exhaustion, but I feel like I may have come just that bit closer to how I used to feel. And I do not like this prospect. I will do things if I get that depressed, and I am so close.
But between the tipping forward and falling back I've been feeling nothing. It's a kind of numb apathy where nothing really reaches me on anything other than the intellectual level. It's when I think about how Grandad is no longer with us and don't feel anything save for regret that I realise that this teetering is preferable. I would rather feel as low as I do right now than feel the numb emotionlessness.
I don't know how to resolve any of these things, but for now I'm going to busk with Amy. William once told me that to stay in a happy healthy frame of mind I should just stand up, stretch, smile and sing.
Just feelings.
I have just ruined everything.
I had a boyfriend. He was lovely. Okay, I didn't love him, and wasn't really attracted to him enough, and I was lying to him every day I remained with him. But we had good times. And I know I've done the right thing in the long run for him. But he's so depressed, and I have not been able to bring myself to talk to him ever since we broke up and I feel so bad about it. I feel I've lost him as a friend, and I never wanted that to happen, although I knew it might. I want to talk to him properly to make sure he's all right. We used to have wonderful, long, silly, stupid conversations about nothing much, and now we never will again. I've made the right choice, but did it have to be like this? Could I have done it different? Have I lost a marvellous friend?
My love life is up in tatters, but I guess at least now I have what one might call a love life. It wasn't too long ago where the only relationship I'd had was 4 years ago with a boy I hadn't seen in months. But now, right now the one person I care about more than I ever have is somebody I can't be with, and probably in all reality I never will, and that hurts more than I can describe. I am tearing up the lives of everybody around me just by trying to do the right thing. Temptation is too much for me, I can't resist. I don't want anybody hurt because of me, but it seems the people I hold dear are suffering because of me and my actions.
I have been out of college more than a year and have not gotten anywhere. I have no Uni lined up, no job, no prospects. I'm still young. I'm only nineteen. I can still make something of myself, whatever the hell that may be.
I have been teetering over that thin line for months, tipping forward over the brink of depression but always swinging back again. It has never been as bad as it used to be. And maybe I'm just saying this because it's five to one on a Wednesday morning and I am suffering from exhaustion, but I feel like I may have come just that bit closer to how I used to feel. And I do not like this prospect. I will do things if I get that depressed, and I am so close.
But between the tipping forward and falling back I've been feeling nothing. It's a kind of numb apathy where nothing really reaches me on anything other than the intellectual level. It's when I think about how Grandad is no longer with us and don't feel anything save for regret that I realise that this teetering is preferable. I would rather feel as low as I do right now than feel the numb emotionlessness.
I don't know how to resolve any of these things, but for now I'm going to busk with Amy. William once told me that to stay in a happy healthy frame of mind I should just stand up, stretch, smile and sing.