The C-Bomb
Have you noticed it?
There’s a new C-Bomb floating around.
And it’s not the C-Bomb you are thinking of. It’s not even all that new..in fact I wager usage of this word is at least 90 years old. Chances are you hear it everyday…and in fact use it yourself. I know I have.
However, enough is enough. It is time to end this. And I shall…with today’s entry on what I call the new C-Bomb.
2 Classic Abuses: Conversation Clubbery
Classic. Today’s word is classic. The New C-Bomb.
*?* Now the first time I came across this word, had to be when I was…let’s go with…five years old. That sounds good. Was most likely in my dad’s old, white, Toyota pickup truck on the way to Food Lion. The radio was on, and something started to blare over the treble-heavy speakers:
5 year old Nick: “uh…dad…unsure if you are aware of this…but a lot violins seem to be happening right now.”
Dad: “Yes son.”
5N: “…also some pianos are occurring. And….a French horn, perhaps?”
Dad: “Good call, son! Good call!”
5N: “Why…this music is most delightful….what do you call it?”
Dad: “Why, this is known as classical music and it is GOOD GRAVY LOOK AT THAT!”
My gaze was averted as a monstrosity came zooming past us. A car that was somehow, so poorly designed, that it appeared to be giving birth to a baby terminator through it’s hood. It was ridiculously noisy, both to the ears and the eyes….as retina-bleeding red was the color they chose to paint it. The driver of said monstrosity was a middle-aged man with sunglasses…and to make the image fit..let’s say a pork pie hat made of straw….hey give me a break! My flashbacks aren’t always as clear as I would like them! But he most definitely had a hat on. My dad’s jaw was in his lap as the car zoomed by.
5N: “…what…..was……”
Dad: “Son! That was a 1960 Chevy Cornblower Coupe De’Grille**! My dad had one of those when I was a kid! We used to take rides in it every Saturday! That is a car, son! Notice how it sounded like it was going to break down the entire time? That’s how you know a car is a car. That thing moves like a rocket! Ha! Now that, son…that is a CLASSIC CAR.”
My small five year old head looked quizzically at the radio. Then quizzically at my dad’s “Cargasm”*** face. Then back to the radio. Classic? But I thought….and my thoughts on said matter were probably led elsewhere rather quickly as I was A FIVE YEAR OLD.
?*? This symbol is here to alert you that this flashback has been tampered with. The classical music conversation did happen in a white pickup…as did the car of doom you are about to read about. However, due to something called Gonzo何とか,and me being lazy…I am combining the two stories into one story. It’s shorter. Do not worry. I have noted the section of this that was created from the merging of both stories. There. I have covered all of my bases. Read on.
*read: the next day
** now hold on. Yes. I am aware there is no such car as the “Chevy Cornblower Coupe De’Grille! And many of you will be revoking my man card for not knowing everything about that car. Well you know what? For a few years my dad had a 86 1/2 Toyota Supra. And that car DOES exist. And it was sweet. And my dream car is a Ryan GP Spyder. Also real and sweet! So I shall kindly be taking back my man card!....ahem…uh....anyone know how to change a fan belt?
*** if you want to see this face, simply show a middle aged man a photo of a car that is newer than a Model T and at least 25 years old. Go ahead and try. I’ll wait.
Hence, we get the first abuse on the word classic. Classic means in this case, “This is old and awesome. You should appreciate it….or you are a douche.” Do you think I am being too harsh here? I beg to differ. How often has this conversation happened amongst you and your friends:
Friend 1: “Man….the other day you know what movie I was thinking of?”
F2: “TimeMaster?”
F1: “Naw dude…that movie is ridonkulous. I was thinking about the ‘Never Ending Story!’ ”
F3: “Yeah! That movie was awesome! You remember the part when Falcor..”
F1: “flew over those bullies and was all like RAWR!!”
F4: “Yeah! And then flames came out of his mouth!! And scared them so bad…”
F3: “That they totally crapped their pants! Heh heh!”
F1, F2, F3, F4: “The never ending stooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyy! Fa la laaa! Fa la laaa! Fa la laaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
You: “Heh! Yeah! And then Murphy was all like, ‘Freeze Punks!’ and shot that guy right in the nuts through that woman’s dress! Hah!”
Silence
F1: “Dude…you have never seen The Never Ending Story…have you?”
You: “um….well…….”
F3: “You sack! You were thinking of Robocop! Surely you have seen it!”
You: “well no..I mean I know of it…but it always seemed kinda…”
F2: “dude! You have to see that movie RIGHT NOW! WE ARE GOING TO BLOCKBUSTER RIGHT NOW!”
F4: “Screw that! Bittorrent that movie! Make sure this fool sees it in the next hour!”
You: “no…that’s quite alright…I really don’t want to see it….I mean as a kid maybe but….”
F1: “No no….dude you don’t understand…… you have to see it….that movie is CLASSIC!”
F4: “Yeah man! Classic!”
F3: “CLASSIC!”
And now you are the mayor of Picklesville.* Why? Because you have no choice BUT to spend the next 90 plus minutes watching this “Classic” film. Your friends will remark with glee and dance along, quoting each line that happens 4 seconds before it does, high fiving each other at each clever quip….and you will be there….wondering how they could ever enjoy this film.
Why did you have to sit there and watch it? Because of the C-Bomb. If they had said it was just an awesome film, or a film you should see….you could put it off. But no, they said Classic. This means you need to watch it right effin’ now, or be one of those ignorant people. Citizen Kane is a classic. Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” is a Classic. The Great Gatsby is a Classic. Do you wanna be a member of the ignorant populous who hasn’t enjoyed one of these?
Of course you don’t. And your friends know this….which is why they pulled out the C-bomb.**
Now, this just seems unfair to me. A word should not wield this much power. Especially when the criteria for it are so… loose. I mean come on. If all of you can answer the following questions, with the same answers, I’ll buy it.
>How old does something need to be to be classic?
>If you don’t enjoy something, is it still a classic? Is it like lima-beans?
>If you put a hot rod engine on a lima bean, would it be a classic bean?
>Would Beethoven, Hendrix, and Dr. Dre hang out together? They are all classic, yes?
My point is this: If you think highly enough of something that it must be appreciated…then chances are it will be appreciated. If you truly believe that Dark Crystal is a classic, tell said friend that it was an instrumental part of your childhood or something. Or if you think that they have to listen to Miles Davis’ Bitches Brew, send them a link to a sample from it…or something. In no way sit them down, and make them listen to the entire album after popping out the C-bomb.
Once again, I am as guilty of this as the next guy….but after someone I know was forced to play the 1st NES Zelda game on an actual NES at the age of 20 before his roommates would let him play Knights of the Old Republic on the XBOX, with the classic argument, despite the fact that said guy had actually rented the game back in the day and was forced to return it by his mother, so it wasn’t even his fault he hadn’t played it, and to be honest there is a reason why “A Link to the Past” is the game I played for my first ever Zelda game and the 2nd one is ridiculous! Just like the 2nd Castlevania! Yes I said it! The 2nd Mario game is ridiculous too! It’s not even a Mario game! And you know what?!! Kid Icarus?!! NO! I would rather play Elevator Action. Yeah I said it...Elevator Action. Double Dragon II was superior to the first Double Dragon! Battletoads X Double Dragon better than Battletoads! Who wants to disagree with me? Huh?!?! What….you have never played Battletoads X Double Dragon? How is that possible!!!! Get on it! It’s a clas----
…um…sorry. Wow. I think I just caused a Nerdapocalypse. Anywho, I do believe I have proved my point with that usage of the C-Bomb. So can we all tone it down a bit? Sweet.
However, dear readers….as ye may have noticed….this article is entitled “2 Classic Abuses: Conversational Clubbery”. The 2nd usage of Classic is just as destructive as the first. And you shall have to find out usage that is….tomorrow.
Now if you excuse me, I am going to have myself a Classic Coke.
*The most Kosher mayor ever!
**had they pulled out the other C-Bomb, there would be great confusion amongst you and your friends…especially if someone your friend LITERALLY did it. Yikes.
There’s a new C-Bomb floating around.
And it’s not the C-Bomb you are thinking of. It’s not even all that new..in fact I wager usage of this word is at least 90 years old. Chances are you hear it everyday…and in fact use it yourself. I know I have.
However, enough is enough. It is time to end this. And I shall…with today’s entry on what I call the new C-Bomb.
2 Classic Abuses: Conversation Clubbery
Classic. Today’s word is classic. The New C-Bomb.
*?* Now the first time I came across this word, had to be when I was…let’s go with…five years old. That sounds good. Was most likely in my dad’s old, white, Toyota pickup truck on the way to Food Lion. The radio was on, and something started to blare over the treble-heavy speakers:
5 year old Nick: “uh…dad…unsure if you are aware of this…but a lot violins seem to be happening right now.”
Dad: “Yes son.”
5N: “…also some pianos are occurring. And….a French horn, perhaps?”
Dad: “Good call, son! Good call!”
5N: “Why…this music is most delightful….what do you call it?”
Dad: “Why, this is known as classical music and it is GOOD GRAVY LOOK AT THAT!”
My gaze was averted as a monstrosity came zooming past us. A car that was somehow, so poorly designed, that it appeared to be giving birth to a baby terminator through it’s hood. It was ridiculously noisy, both to the ears and the eyes….as retina-bleeding red was the color they chose to paint it. The driver of said monstrosity was a middle-aged man with sunglasses…and to make the image fit..let’s say a pork pie hat made of straw….hey give me a break! My flashbacks aren’t always as clear as I would like them! But he most definitely had a hat on. My dad’s jaw was in his lap as the car zoomed by.
5N: “…what…..was……”
Dad: “Son! That was a 1960 Chevy Cornblower Coupe De’Grille**! My dad had one of those when I was a kid! We used to take rides in it every Saturday! That is a car, son! Notice how it sounded like it was going to break down the entire time? That’s how you know a car is a car. That thing moves like a rocket! Ha! Now that, son…that is a CLASSIC CAR.”
My small five year old head looked quizzically at the radio. Then quizzically at my dad’s “Cargasm”*** face. Then back to the radio. Classic? But I thought….and my thoughts on said matter were probably led elsewhere rather quickly as I was A FIVE YEAR OLD.
?*? This symbol is here to alert you that this flashback has been tampered with. The classical music conversation did happen in a white pickup…as did the car of doom you are about to read about. However, due to something called Gonzo何とか,and me being lazy…I am combining the two stories into one story. It’s shorter. Do not worry. I have noted the section of this that was created from the merging of both stories. There. I have covered all of my bases. Read on.
*read: the next day
** now hold on. Yes. I am aware there is no such car as the “Chevy Cornblower Coupe De’Grille! And many of you will be revoking my man card for not knowing everything about that car. Well you know what? For a few years my dad had a 86 1/2 Toyota Supra. And that car DOES exist. And it was sweet. And my dream car is a Ryan GP Spyder. Also real and sweet! So I shall kindly be taking back my man card!....ahem…uh....anyone know how to change a fan belt?
*** if you want to see this face, simply show a middle aged man a photo of a car that is newer than a Model T and at least 25 years old. Go ahead and try. I’ll wait.
Hence, we get the first abuse on the word classic. Classic means in this case, “This is old and awesome. You should appreciate it….or you are a douche.” Do you think I am being too harsh here? I beg to differ. How often has this conversation happened amongst you and your friends:
Friend 1: “Man….the other day you know what movie I was thinking of?”
F2: “TimeMaster?”
F1: “Naw dude…that movie is ridonkulous. I was thinking about the ‘Never Ending Story!’ ”
F3: “Yeah! That movie was awesome! You remember the part when Falcor..”
F1: “flew over those bullies and was all like RAWR!!”
F4: “Yeah! And then flames came out of his mouth!! And scared them so bad…”
F3: “That they totally crapped their pants! Heh heh!”
F1, F2, F3, F4: “The never ending stooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyy! Fa la laaa! Fa la laaa! Fa la laaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
You: “Heh! Yeah! And then Murphy was all like, ‘Freeze Punks!’ and shot that guy right in the nuts through that woman’s dress! Hah!”
Silence
F1: “Dude…you have never seen The Never Ending Story…have you?”
You: “um….well…….”
F3: “You sack! You were thinking of Robocop! Surely you have seen it!”
You: “well no..I mean I know of it…but it always seemed kinda…”
F2: “dude! You have to see that movie RIGHT NOW! WE ARE GOING TO BLOCKBUSTER RIGHT NOW!”
F4: “Screw that! Bittorrent that movie! Make sure this fool sees it in the next hour!”
You: “no…that’s quite alright…I really don’t want to see it….I mean as a kid maybe but….”
F1: “No no….dude you don’t understand…… you have to see it….that movie is CLASSIC!”
F4: “Yeah man! Classic!”
F3: “CLASSIC!”
And now you are the mayor of Picklesville.* Why? Because you have no choice BUT to spend the next 90 plus minutes watching this “Classic” film. Your friends will remark with glee and dance along, quoting each line that happens 4 seconds before it does, high fiving each other at each clever quip….and you will be there….wondering how they could ever enjoy this film.
Why did you have to sit there and watch it? Because of the C-Bomb. If they had said it was just an awesome film, or a film you should see….you could put it off. But no, they said Classic. This means you need to watch it right effin’ now, or be one of those ignorant people. Citizen Kane is a classic. Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” is a Classic. The Great Gatsby is a Classic. Do you wanna be a member of the ignorant populous who hasn’t enjoyed one of these?
Of course you don’t. And your friends know this….which is why they pulled out the C-bomb.**
Now, this just seems unfair to me. A word should not wield this much power. Especially when the criteria for it are so… loose. I mean come on. If all of you can answer the following questions, with the same answers, I’ll buy it.
>How old does something need to be to be classic?
>If you don’t enjoy something, is it still a classic? Is it like lima-beans?
>If you put a hot rod engine on a lima bean, would it be a classic bean?
>Would Beethoven, Hendrix, and Dr. Dre hang out together? They are all classic, yes?
My point is this: If you think highly enough of something that it must be appreciated…then chances are it will be appreciated. If you truly believe that Dark Crystal is a classic, tell said friend that it was an instrumental part of your childhood or something. Or if you think that they have to listen to Miles Davis’ Bitches Brew, send them a link to a sample from it…or something. In no way sit them down, and make them listen to the entire album after popping out the C-bomb.
Once again, I am as guilty of this as the next guy….but after someone I know was forced to play the 1st NES Zelda game on an actual NES at the age of 20 before his roommates would let him play Knights of the Old Republic on the XBOX, with the classic argument, despite the fact that said guy had actually rented the game back in the day and was forced to return it by his mother, so it wasn’t even his fault he hadn’t played it, and to be honest there is a reason why “A Link to the Past” is the game I played for my first ever Zelda game and the 2nd one is ridiculous! Just like the 2nd Castlevania! Yes I said it! The 2nd Mario game is ridiculous too! It’s not even a Mario game! And you know what?!! Kid Icarus?!! NO! I would rather play Elevator Action. Yeah I said it...Elevator Action. Double Dragon II was superior to the first Double Dragon! Battletoads X Double Dragon better than Battletoads! Who wants to disagree with me? Huh?!?! What….you have never played Battletoads X Double Dragon? How is that possible!!!! Get on it! It’s a clas----
…um…sorry. Wow. I think I just caused a Nerdapocalypse. Anywho, I do believe I have proved my point with that usage of the C-Bomb. So can we all tone it down a bit? Sweet.
However, dear readers….as ye may have noticed….this article is entitled “2 Classic Abuses: Conversational Clubbery”. The 2nd usage of Classic is just as destructive as the first. And you shall have to find out usage that is….tomorrow.
Now if you excuse me, I am going to have myself a Classic Coke.
*The most Kosher mayor ever!
**had they pulled out the other C-Bomb, there would be great confusion amongst you and your friends…especially if someone your friend LITERALLY did it. Yikes.