Just an update
People calling all the time to check up on me just to make sure I'm ok. But really am I ok? In all honesty I'm not ok and I don't think I will be for a while. I know that that's a normal thing for what's happened to me, but I just feel as if this is some really fucked up dream. And you know what? I want to wake up.
My friends have been more than wonderful making sure I'm keeping busy to keep my mind off my mother's death. But that only lasts as long as their with me. When I come home to an empty house it all hits me again and I start to cry. I miss her so much. I know my mom wouldn't want me to cry all the time. She would want me to move on. And I know some day I will, just not right now.
I've also come to the conclusion that she knew she was more sick then she let on to me. I know she did it to save me for getting upset. But I just wish she wouldn't have kept it ALL from me. That's what hurts the most. I had no idea just how much pain she was really in. And thinking back on some of the things I said to her over the last few weeks just makes me sick. I'm not saying I was a complete bitch to her, but some of the things I said weren't very nice. Though knowing my mother she still loved me even though I was being a little brat to her.
Last night was a very bad night for me. I had spent the afternoon with Wendy and we had gone and done a bit of shopping that I needed to do then came back here for a while. When she left I started to make myself dinner and that's when it hit me hard. I was almost yelling at my mom asking her why she had to go and leave me all alone. I just stood in the middle of the kitchen bawling my eyes out. Last night I don't think I fell asleep til after four in the morning. In a way I'm glad that I don't have a job to go to, cause I would be completely useless at work. With the way I feel half of the time and with not getting to bed til so late, it's just a good thing I don't have to get up early to go to a job. Though I really do need to get one, and soon.
Well I better go and do some of the things I've been putting off for the last few days. If I don't do them, no one will. I just wanted to check in with everyone and tell you that to some small degree that I'm ok.
My friends have been more than wonderful making sure I'm keeping busy to keep my mind off my mother's death. But that only lasts as long as their with me. When I come home to an empty house it all hits me again and I start to cry. I miss her so much. I know my mom wouldn't want me to cry all the time. She would want me to move on. And I know some day I will, just not right now.
I've also come to the conclusion that she knew she was more sick then she let on to me. I know she did it to save me for getting upset. But I just wish she wouldn't have kept it ALL from me. That's what hurts the most. I had no idea just how much pain she was really in. And thinking back on some of the things I said to her over the last few weeks just makes me sick. I'm not saying I was a complete bitch to her, but some of the things I said weren't very nice. Though knowing my mother she still loved me even though I was being a little brat to her.
Last night was a very bad night for me. I had spent the afternoon with Wendy and we had gone and done a bit of shopping that I needed to do then came back here for a while. When she left I started to make myself dinner and that's when it hit me hard. I was almost yelling at my mom asking her why she had to go and leave me all alone. I just stood in the middle of the kitchen bawling my eyes out. Last night I don't think I fell asleep til after four in the morning. In a way I'm glad that I don't have a job to go to, cause I would be completely useless at work. With the way I feel half of the time and with not getting to bed til so late, it's just a good thing I don't have to get up early to go to a job. Though I really do need to get one, and soon.
Well I better go and do some of the things I've been putting off for the last few days. If I don't do them, no one will. I just wanted to check in with everyone and tell you that to some small degree that I'm ok.