IT'S OKAY IF YOU HATE ME BECAUSE I HATE ME TOO. (tw: overflowing negativity)
Unplanned hiatus. Yet again. Broken promise. Untranslated script. I'm such a shit person to this fandom. I'm sorry. Promise me you'll never believe any of my promises ever again. My life is shit. SHIT. But it's only because I'm a shit person. I don't have FEELINGS anymore. Like none. I don't even like Johnny's. I don't love them like I used to. But I don't love anything anymore. I don't have friends. I'm not motivated to do anything - including watching dramas, catching up with friends, etc. My life is full of regrets and I'm only fucking 16 still. I know I don't know anything yet but I like to act like I do. I don't hate anything anymore. I never get passionate about anything anymore. Nothing. I'm going to Japan in a week but I don't feel excited or anything. I'm surprised I'm not feeling suicidal. I haven't felt suicidal in ages. But if someone told me I would die tomorrow, I wouldn't be too worried. I'm failing two of my six subjects and all my grades have fallen but I don't care. I'm not even worried. I don't have friends but I don't care. I started working and that's fun. But I feel like I just constantly cause trouble to the people around me. That's all I've been doing all my life haha. I would say sorry but I don't even mean it. I'm so selfish but I don't feel bad for being it. I don't care what happens with my life. Everything is an illusion. I was planning to go to Fuma's solo concert, I have enough money from work. Maybe that would help me get my feelings back again. I was waiting for a message from my cousin who lives in Japan and usually asks me if I want to apply for a ticket. But it didn't come. Because at the beginning of the year I told my cousins who are a good ten years older than me to stop relying on my grandma for money. Do you know how stupid that was. I don't even know half the story. And do you know what Japanese society is like. I tried to log in to the Family Club as well but I don't think they renewed my membership for me. I wouldn't if I was them. I hate mum at the moment. I want to scream things in her face. But that takes effort. And I feel sick right now. I feel like my body feels more than my heart. Because when I'm supposed to be nervous my heart doesn't go boom boom. Instead I get stomach pains. When I'm supposed to be happy my heart doesn't rush with adrenaline. My mouth just does the smiling thing. And when I'm supposed to be sad my heart doesn't sink. My eyebrows create wrinkles in the middle of my forehead and maybe my eyes will start to look like they're watery. Everything feels so disconnected and meditating is so difficult. HONY tells me that I need love. But how can I get love if I'm not able to give it? I'll just stay empty maybe. It's the easiest most difficult way of living.