rant rant rant being japanese is hard
okay, so my mum's japanese and I've had a lot of influence from her over my 15 years of being alive and wow does it impact how i think and act all the time.
like in japanese culture, you don't make excuses. none. you broke your foot? too bad, you still have to walk to school. you have a cold? that homework's still due. you had two hours of sleep? you still have to clean you room.
like no excuses. none. japanese don't take that bullshit. like sure, if you're having a rough time they'll help you out but the thing is, because it's japanese custom to be modest and make sure you're not causing problems for other people, you don't tell everyone your problems, so that's why people are extra nice to you when you do have problems.
i don't think i'm saying this very well. what i'm trying to say is that japanese people will try their best even if they are breaking inside in order to prevent themselves and their problems being a burden for the people around them, so it's natural to expect that from someone else right? well hahaha guess what i don't live in japan.
i'm doing group work at the moment and i have a cold. it was at it's worst on saturday/sunday and our design was due tomorrow. we're a group of 4 and we needed 5 designs, 4 individual ones and 1 group design. my friend A (who has a massive and admirable work ethic) had offered to do the final design (because i was doing the editing for the other part of the project) but her work suddenly called in for a 6 hour shift on sunday so i told her that i'd already "done" it to save her stress and she was really thankful. okay so anyway, i spend sunday sick but doing the group design, my individual design and a shitload of homework. i turn up on monday, and my friend A had brought me a cupcake as a way of saying thanks and i was so happy. but friend b is away sick that day. so i'm like okay, and we let her know that she still needs to finish her design for tomorrow.
come today (tuesday night) and she hasn't done it yet because "she was at the doctors all day." like no. no. you've had two days off school and you're not even sick. you have swollen eyes from an allergy or w/e (we don't actually know yet). i've had no days off and i'm sick with a headache that comes and goes on an hourly basis i don't need these excuses. i don't have enough sympathy and patience left for you and your excuses. i mean white people are so sympathetic (making a generalisation please don't get offended) but when it comes to taking responsibilities for their words and actions it just does not happen and it destroys me inside.
it sounds like an exaggeration but when little things chip away at all the effort you put in, it's really hard to keep going. i always tell myself to brush it off but like the damage is done. take this for another example; a new-not-so-close friend i made was sick in hospital so i made a card for her. it took me at least three hours and it was pink because i remembered that her pencil case was pink, i used 4 different scissors, 3 different colours of glitter, 3 types of glue. i stayed up making it and woke up early to finish it. even after all that effort it didn't look very good but had i put any less effort into it, it would've looked worse right? so i was happy with it. i took it to school to get her friends to sign it but my other friend said that she would get people in her class to sign it so i gave it to her. it was gone for an hour and it had ripped in at least 10 different places and the glitter was falling off, i was tired but i tried to keep my calm and i just added glue to put the ripped pieces back together. then she takes it again asking people to sign it and it's ripped. again. i broke down. this card wasn't about her "looking like she was a nice person because she was asking people to sign a card for a sick friend." this card was about showing my friend in hospital that her friends were there to support her and it was to show my support for her through the card. i told she needed to respect me more. she looked at me like what? and i told her look it's ripped and the glitter's falling off. and instead of apologising she blames it on a girl she doesn't like. excuse after excuse after excuse.
then there are those people who get away without doing homework because they were unwell yesterday, who get extensions for assignments because of "reasons," who don't have to do p.e. because they're "injured", every single fucking time conjuring up an excuse with their pretty little white faces. and instead of questioning them, the teachers believe them, i mean like they're white, why would they lie?
these little things kill me a little inside every time. i get sick too. i have family problems too. i'm human too. don't use me just because i have the modesty to keep my problems to myself. also don't use the "you're better at it so..." excuse. bitch, only because i put the effort in ok? why does the card look so good? because i put the effort in. why do my assignments turn out a little better than yours? because i put the effort in. and don't "so did i" bullshit me. while you sleep in, i go to cram school. while you're at home with a swollen eye, i'm at school doing your work for you too. while you're in a bad mood because you and your mum had a little argument, i'm in constant anxiety because reasons with my grandparents.
i'm not saying i put in a lot of effort but i accept that. i accept that i give up on some assignments. i accept that i don't try in some classes. i accept that and i take full responsibility over it. i dont make up excuses. i got a bad mark because i didn't try, not because i was sick. i got a bad mark because i'm not good at the subject, not because i was stressed about things going on at home.
you know i did a "pessimist or optimist" test a few months ago. there were a couple of sentences and you had to choose the second half of the sentence. the first half consisted of a mistake, the second half gave the reason. i did the test and i scored really low, i was a "pessimist." i'd never thought myself as a "pessimist" after i had consciously put effort into improving my mental health. i make an effort to be happy and optimistic, and it kinda works B) (yes, i know a lot of my posts are qqing but i'm pretty happy in rl, i swear). anyway, i read the explanations and it told me that i blamed myself (permanent) rather than the situation surrounding (temporary). i don't think that made sense so here's an example:
i forgot my friend's birthday because...
a) i'm a bad friend
b) i was busy with work at the time
japanese culture says a), western culture says b).
do you see? to japanese people b) is just an excuse.
for western people b) is being optimistic about yourself.
here again, it's about yourself. yourself, yourself, yourself.
your sickness, your family problems, your injuries.
for me, my sickness is my responsibility and not an excuse. it doesn't excuse me from anything. nothing.
//rant over. thank you to myself for writing haha (assuming no one's reading this haha)
i reckon the more i write of these, the more my english writing will improve? hopefully.
minna oyasumi<3