Don't Look At Me
By Doris Sanford
My name is Pat Edward Parker and I'm not like other kids. I don't want to be special or anything. I just want to be like everybody else.
A kid at school called me "Retard"
My dad said to forget it
how do you do that?
The problem is I'm not so smart. The first time I KNEW I was dumb was in first grade. I'm not as dumb as Harold though. He failed Kindergarten.
I don't read so good
and I'm really stupid at math.
The truth is I can barely add.
I hate school. I JUST HATE IT!! I never get a happy face sticker. Hardly ever. When they divide up teams for the spelling contest, I get picked last except when Marvin's at school. He's mental.
Once at recess David said "How does it feel to be the dumbest person who ever lived. PAT-RICK??"
It doesn't feel good.
That's how.
Recess is the worst of all! When it rains we have to play on teams in the gym. I get picked last 'Course. Last week when Jamie was captain of a team he said "For sure we don't want PAT."
"You take him. No you take him."
Then the teacher said "Pat, you go with team A." Jamie said "Guess we're stuck with you."
team A lost
I wish I had a friend. Maybe I try too hard. That's what my big brother said. I just want someone to play with me. He wouldn't have to like me best or anything.
Oh well, I couldn't play after school anyway cuz I have chores. Dad said that's the way it is when you live on a farm.
Jamie (he's the mean one) calls me Pat Porker instead of Parker or All beef Patty. Once I walked past his desk and he said "Hey now, THAT's a meat ball."
Does he think I got fat on purpose? My name is Pat...That's my name and I don't want to be called anything else.
When I was waiting for the school bus one day Jamie said "whats the matter with you? My mom say's your parents dont help you learn. Me, I say you're just STUPID"
Janet heard it all and made a face and said "duuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh" like I WAS stupid.
They sat in front of me on the bus and whispered in a chant "Pat is a loser...couldn't win if he had to...."
I hate it when we have to work out problems on the blackboard! Especially math. Ususally I just stand there like I'm thinking real hard. Last time, Janet said "geeish. You can count on one retard to goof it up" The teacher said "Can anyone help Pat?" Janet said "ME ME!!" When she finished the teacher said "That's VERY good, Janet."
The one really wonderful thing is my lamb, Fluffy. Fluffy is my very own lamb. He's MINE! His mother wouldn't feed him when he was born and my dad said I could have him if I took care of him. I've been giving him his bottle and brushing him and holding him...but mostly I talk to Fluffy. I tell him everything that happens at school. He never laughs at me. He is the only one who knows everything about me.
I told Fluffy about the time I heard mom and dad talking. Mom said "Well, we produced one bright son. I wonder what we did wrong with Pat?" And dad said "Pat may not go to college..." "Be serious" mom said, "at this rate he may not get past grade school." "Something is wrong with him. We need to just face the fact that he is retarded."
And, Fluffy, remember when I knocked over the milk at supper and dad banged his fist on the table and said "Don't you get tired of being stupid? Think son, THINK!" ............................................................
One night when Pat was in the barn alone with Fluffy, the lamb snuggled up close and in a gentle soft voice began to talk.
"pat some of how you see yourself depends on how you think your parents see you. If enough people tell you you're inferior, you start believing them." Fluffy's voice was low and sometimes it cracked because he hadn't talked much before. But he continued "MOST people feel badly about themselves in some way. Sometimes people make fun of you because they don't feel good about themselves. They are handicapped by their attitudes" Fluffy had never talked so much in his life. "Pat, sometimes I don't know the answer. Sometimes you don't. Nobody knows ALL the answers. Your specialness is not based on how you look, or how smart you are.
And Pat said, "Fluffy, I know you love me. You're my lamb. You HAVE to. But, I want someone to be PROUD of me."
And Fluffy said "Maybe feeling dumb is an excuse not to try. You find it hard to read, I know that. We all find SOME THINGS hard--very hard. You have to work 3 times harder than others don't you?
I know you can do it if you try. You can give up. Or you can work like crazy."
Pat hung his head. He knew it was the truth. My dad said I'm lazy and I dont try enough. "No" I told him, "I'm just dumb. I even look dumb in the mirror."
"but you can learn to be good at something. It won't just happen. You must work at it."
Pat had so much to think about. He leaned on the fence and watched Fluffy with his lamb friends. He thought, this fence protects the sheep and keeps them from wandering away. We use it because we love our sheep.
Maybe Fluffy told me to work hard to protect me from feeling even worse about myself. It was an interesting thought. But how, Fluff, How do I do it?"
Just then Fluffy saw Pat and ran over to the fence prancing and wiggling his tail. Pat called out, "What can I do to change, Fluffy?"
"Think of as many ways to solve the problems at school as you can, thne to start with, pick ONE and Fluffy was gone again. Okay Fluff, maybe if I practice reading to you every night in the barn it would help. And maybe Grandpa would help me with my spelling words.
"way to go Pat, way to go!! It's your attitude that will make or break you, not how smart or good looking you are!"
That night after dinner, Pat sat on the porch with Grandpa and worked on spelling words. When they were done he said "There's something else Poppy. The kids at school are mean to me. Jamie is the meanest kid who ever lived."
"You can choose to ignore Jamie, if you will. When he teases you just pretend to hop on your horse and gallop away. It won't be any fun for Jamie if you wont listen to him."
"JAMIE IS NOT THE BOSS OF HOW YOU FEEL"
"when you play by yourself at school you may feel safe, but you also shut out loving, close friendships. You need a friend."
"I have Fluffy Grandpa"
"Yes but you need a people friend. I can teach you how to make a friend"
Pat wanted to tell Fluffy about all of this. When he reached the barn, Fluffy snuggled up with his cold nose at Pat's neck. Fluffy listened and listened. Finally he said,
"sometimes a sheep gets stuck on his back and can't get up without help. You're stuck, but you can change. You just need some help. Some of these hard experiences help make you stronger. You'll see....do you love me because I'm smart?"
"No."
"do you love me because I'm good?"
"No."
"then do you love me because I'm beautiful?"
Pat looked at his dirty fleece and said "No."
"well then why do you love me?"
Pat started to cry and said "I love you because you are mine."
And with that, Fluffy said,
"Pat look at me, look me right in the eye...
Pat Edward Parker I LOVE YOU"
YOU'RE THE BEST YOU THERE IS!"