(no subject)
ok, so this is gonna be a journal entry, where everybody knows EXACTLY what the hell is on my mind, and what is REALLY on my mind and whats REALLY been going on...its a total truth update, and im letting everything out...
to begin with, i have something to admit that im sure most of you already knew...i still cut...yes thats right, i still cut...i have for a while now...i never honestly stopped...but i mean, people have said that they'll help me, and they never have...its fine that they havent, i mean, they have their own lives to live, and they cant just stop and help me whenever i need it...and i completely wasnt being sarcastic there, i was being truthfully honest...like i said, this is going to be a completely honest update...anyways, so yeah, i still do...and i counted the scars today...i have 37 on my arms, and two on my legs, and a new one on my leg too...go ahead and get mad at me all you want, because its not like its gonna make it any better...and Emily Ann, dont you DARE do anything...we may have had a deal, but the deal is over and broken, ur not gonna punish urself for me hurting myself...
to continue on, i truthfully and honestly believe that i am fucked up in the head...see, i have this list of things that i believe might be wrong with me mentally...it is a serious list, and i have reasons for why i may be of each...here's that list...
--bipolar...my dad has it, and ive had friends tell me seriously that they think im bipolar becuase of the way i act
--ADHD...again, my dad has it, and so does my brother and i have the same symptoms as him and my dad...
--Depression/Self Mutilation...because my dad has depression and it can be passed on through genetics and i have the symptoms
--Regression...now before i tell you the reason why, i'll give you what exactly it is..regression is when one is so stressed out that they start behaving like they did when they were an age that they didnt have to worry about stress, such as sucking their thumb, curling into the fetal position, rocking back and forth, stuff like that...ive noticed that sometimes i do that...
go ahead and call me whatever it is thats the one mental disease where one THINKS they have all these illnesses, but really dont...I DONT CARE...we can just add it to the list above this...
on a different note, ive noticed that i hurt too many people...not even by my cutting, but just in general...to be brutally honest and specific, i hurt GUYS...ive hurt so many of them because of my indecisiveness and stubbornness and, admittingly, sluttyness...im so sick of it...ive tried to change, but its just so hard, and i cant take it anymore...sometimes i think everybody would just be better off if i werent around...i dont mean that to sound suicidal because its not...i just mean, like not around here anymore...like for me to just be gone and outta here...outta the picture...
apparently my rents would be happier if that were to happen because they just dont even seem to care...if they even see me mention cutting online to somebody, i dont even have to be talking about ME doing it, and all they do is sit there and go "you better not be doing that anymore" like they're gonna ground me or punish me or something if i am...they dont even try to help me...they dont try to get me in to see a psychiatrist or something, they dont do anything...they just tell me not to do it...and just like everything else they do/dont do...they just never seem to care...they never take an interest in my life...i think my Aunt Aggie in California knows more about my life than my rents do, and i just talked to her for the first time in over a month, yesterday!!...i mean...ugh...and then they sit there and tell me that im just cutting for attention...there's nothing really wrong with me, just wanting attention...THERE IT IS AGAIN!!...that all i ever want is attention, that they gave me too much when i was little, and now that im getting older and whatnot, im not getting enough of it, so i have to do this to myself...im sorry, but if i wanted attention, i wouldnt do somethign and then cover it up and try to hide it from them...they're dumb...im tired of it...
i feel like if i just left and never came back or anything, that they wouldnt care, and nobody else would either, that everybody would just get along better without me..i mean ive got friends that are angry maybe not AT me, but WITH me for my dating status and whatnot, and i cant help that...i can try to get back on track with them, but half the time, it just doesnt seem possible...
idk, but thats my rant and rave for tonight..im done i guess...i hope you had fun reading that...if you read it i mean...