[Locked from CJ people, but Kim wouldn't mind talking to other muses.]

[kim_watkins]

You see them all the time on the news, or movies on Lifetime: the committed, driven mothers fighting for some sort of advocacy regarding their murdered, hurt, or missing child. As a lawyer I’ve worked firsthand with them, seen their pain up close and in all its detailed reality. And perhaps every dedicated mother knows that she would react the

Comments

[sydney_b]

It'll be okay Kim, they'll find him.
And I hate how cliche that sounds but, it's true.

And you should take your pain meds. You'll be glad you did in the long run.

And I'm sure you've had lots of people telling you this but...it's NOT your fault. You can't control your ex-husband anymore then you could control the rotation of the Earth.

[kim_watkins]

Thank you, Syndey. I'm sure they'll find him too. My main fear is if they'll find him alive or not.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I should take my pain meds. I can't really sleep at night, but I don't know if it's from pain or worry. Maybe both.

I know. I know you're right. I'm working on that, I really am. It's just so hard sometimes. Everything's hard.

[sydney_b]

It is hard. But that's life. If it was easy do you think as many good things would happen? And, you're a lawyer. You see the worst that happens in the world, and you deal with it.

And I'm sure he's fine.

[kim_watkins]

Physically, I hope he is. I hope Roger isn't stupid enough to hurt him or let anything happen to him, but he might be messed up enough to. I really don't know. I didn't know until that night he took him that he was doing drugs again. But even if he is physically fine, what about his mind? He's not even six yet. He can't possibly understand what's happening.

I just want him home so I can take care of him. That's all I want.

[john_carter_md]

You covered the basics with the whole bit about blaming yourself and how ther people would tell you not to. It's not your fault, even though you think it is. Even though you can sit there and play the scene over and over in your mind, over again from beginning to the end, the last thing you remember, and it doesn't change a thing. You may have done this, or that, differently. The outcome may have turned out different if you had. But, things happened the way they did and that's all there is to it. You can drive yourself insane with the regret and the grief, or you can keep your head up and move on. Move forward. Do what you can with what's left.

When I got stabbed, I believed it was my fault. Part of me still believes it. I should hav seen how unstable Paul Sebriki was. I should have been more aware. And I should have insisted on a psych consult, I should have kept a closer eye on him. When I went in that trauma room, I should have sensed something wasn't right, I shouldn't have been daydreaming. I should have known something wasn't

[kim_watkins]

*nods and tries not to burst into tears* That's the main thing that's driving me crazy. I feel terrible for what happened to Jordan of course, but it's like I don't even care that he almost killed me. If it was just me, I could live with it. But knowing that Leo is out there, and praying he's alive, wanting to hold him and see him more than anything and not being able to... that's what's killing me. Add that to wondering how I could have stopped it... well, you know

[john_carter_md]

Do you believe in prayer, Dr. Carter? I don't think I ever have as much in my life as I do now.

*Ponders the question. Remembers praying many times, for his brother, for friends, for patients, and often the sick/injured person didn't make it*

I do believe in prayer, Miss Watkins. Prayer is a very powerful weapon. Like anything else, it isn't fool proof, but it is worth something. It gives you focus, if nothin else.

I'm praying for you, for your friend Jordan, for your son. I would say a lot of people all across the country are praying for Leo after seeing him on the news. Don't give up, Kim. Don't ever give up.

[kim_watkins]

Oh, I won't, Dr. Carter. You can bet your medical license that I won't ever give up on him. I'll be one of those mothers who's still hoping to find her kid twenty years later, if it comes to that. I mean... if they haven't found him at all.

I always manage to forget there are a lot of people who know about this, and who are thinking about him and praying for him, and hopefully looking for him too, or at least keeping their eyes peeled for him.

Thank you for everything you've said... John.

[couch_tomato]

I can't pretend to know and understand everything you're going through, but I do know what it is to lose a child. It's been over ten years now, and I can tell you that it gets easier. You do get to the point where you can spend most of the day not being reminded of them every second. You do get to the point where you can laugh at the memories instead of crying

[kim_watkins]

*is subdued* You make me realise more than anything that I have to try and look at all of the good things. As you said, my son is still alive. At least I hope he is. There's a possibility that he's not, and a part of me has to be ready to accept that if it's ever confirmed. But the greater part of me feels like I would know if he wasn't, and that's the part I have to let take control. He's out there, and he's waiting for someone to find him. And when they do, no matter how fragile I feel inside, I have to be strong for him.

It could have been worse, I know that. I would thank you for reminding me, except it doesn't seem right that I should thank you for using an example such as losing your entire family. Rather, I wish you did not have such an example to use. But thank you just the same for your words, and for understanding. I'm glad you've managed to find some measure of peace; I only wish it could be more.