to junho
a birthday letter posted a few hours too late
Happy birthday to the twenty-five year old who acts like he's five, to the man who somehow reminds me of a penguin, a kitten, and a lion cub all at the same time. To the person who inspires me not only to pursue music, but also to be giving and never let pride get to my head. Happy birthday to our Emperor, our shining hero, our one and only precious Lee Junho. I hope you have the best day, I hope that you will be happy forever, and most importantly, I hope your cat is well.
I don't know where to start. Maybe I should list down all the things I love about you so that I can look back on this letter when I start to forget. (That will be many, many years from now; I can't see myself forgetting the stars in your eyes in the near future.) I like it when you smile, when your eyes disappear into slits and your teeth show. I like how the side of your lips go up. I like the asymmetry of your face. I love your hands and I love how soft and plump your lips look. I love the way you talk. I like it when you get shy. I think it's cute when you cross your arms and lean on one side when you stand, or when you hold your wrist in front of your legs. The way you blink is extremely endearing. Your voice is the most amazing sound that could ever exist. I like how noisy you are. I think how childish you are made me fall in love with you in the first place. Your eyes are beautiful and so is the entirety of your being. I love you.
For the longest time, I pushed thoughts of you away. I kept insisting that I did not love you the way I do, I kept saying you were only second best. I don't know why I did that, maybe because I was afraid of change. I'm glad I snapped out of it, I'm glad I let myself love you the way I love you now. You have no idea how thankful I am to have found you, how after all those wasted years I finally found my way to you.
You say that your fans are your sunflowers, and that you are our sun. There's a place near where I live where sunflowers grow in lines by the side of the streets, facing the sun wherever it is. That's us, I will always be focusing on you, supporting you no matter what.
Junho, you are not just my sunshine, you are the sun itself, my world's sun. I would grow a sunflower on every inch of land I could for you. You'll never see it, most likely, but it's okay. At least I've left a mark on the world, a mark to show how much I love you, a mark to let the world see just a little bit of my love for the most amazing, the most wonderful person alive.
You are the light that calms me in the dark. Nothing has ever calmed me the way you have, nothing has ever closed my eyes and taken away the nightmares the way your voice has, and I'm so thankful to you for that. You've taken nights of restlessness away, and when they come back all I have to do is listen to you sing again. It's amazing. You're amazing.
You, who deserves everything good the world has to offer. You, whose very existence is the brightest light I've ever seen. You, who has gone through so much to get to where you are. You work so hard and I'm sure I know less than a quarter of what you've gone through, but I know you've sacrificed so much to end up here. You were just that kid before. The one who looked like Rain. That plain, ordinary guy at the back of every scene who isn't actually anywhere near plain or ordinary. You've always been wonderful at singing, beyond amazing at dancing, a good rapper, and adding to that, you compose and write songs, you play the drums, piano, guitar, and you're a good actor. But you were ignored, not a lot of people paid attention to you despite your shining eyes and contagious smile, your honey voice and precise movements. I'm so glad that time is gone, that more people love and appreciate you now, because you deserve it. All the love in the world, all the recognition, the appreciation, the praise. You're not just the sun setting over the ocean, you're the waves higher than boats in the open sea; you're the feeling I get when I'm high above ground and moving on nothing but a piece of rope, nothing to catch me underneath; you're what I feel on the mountains with strong winds blowing as the scenery overwhelms me. You're the feeling of being alive. You're every beautiful thing in the world.
But it's not just that, I don't just love you because you've helped me or because you're beautiful. I just love you. There is no I love you because you are..., no reason other than I love you because I'm meant to. My love for you takes a whole different form, you know. It's not just a part of me, it's something I can no longer control. It's something that only keeps growing; past the limits of my body and all the land I've ever walked on, my love for you goes beyond that, beyond everything in this world and every world there may be.
And if I could go back in time I would come back to 2013; to March 2nd; to being able to see you face to face and holding your hand. My friend joked time and time again that I would fall in love with you once I get to see you. I laughed it off thinking I knew better, acting like you were the Devil incarnate, cursing you jokingly because there was no chance. I thought there was no chance. But then that night came and you sat right in front of me, your legs dangling inches away from my face. You smiled slightly and your eyes were the most beautiful pair I'd ever seen. I wish I still knew how your hand felt like, how I felt standing on that spot with you so close to me, I wish I still remembered every detail of that moment. And you stayed there so long too; if only I was smart enough to write down everything that happened that day. How you moved when you were teaching us how to dance to your song, how you smiled when we sang instead of you, how you spoke in the language of my country.
Like that night, I know I will forget the time I'm spending loving you. Eventually, I will forget the words I've whispered hoping somehow the wind would blow them to you. I know there will be a time when your voice will just be the dead sound of the night, no longer the calm that puts me to sleep. I know that no matter how many times I say I will love you forever, I will support you until the end of time, I can't. But it doesn't matter. Because I love you now, I believe in you now, and it won't be sad when I stop loving you because this time exists. It will always exist. Even if I forget, time won't. So, I guess, there will always be a version of me loving you. At a different time, sure, but that version of me? She won't stop existing. And she will never stop loving.
So happy birthday again, Lee Junho. And thank you for being you. Thank you for existing and making our lives brighter. Thank you for being our sun.