If I could make you stop and take a look at me [3/3]
“Hey, Kyungsoo.”
“Hmm?”
“Do you think tonight, just for an hour or two, you could not be in the bunker?”
“Oh Sehun, what are you planning? I know you’re not about to try to rope my best friend into a quickie; if you’re gonna seduce him at least wait till we’re at a port and you can get a nice hotel with a real bed and the whole night.”
“Shh, Soo! No, I wanna explain to him the way I date and then ask him out. Could you leave us for that, please?”
Kyungsoo didn’t answer, only stared Sehun down before gathering the last of the dirty dishes from the table he was bussing and pointing a fork in Sehun’s direction.
“We get off at eleven tonight. I am going to bother Junmyeon. You have until one am. And then I am coming to sleep, no matter what.”
“Bless you man, bless you.”
+
Jongin finished double checking the things his crew had put away and then headed down to his bunker slowly. He hoped Kyungsoo was there to act as a buffer between him and Sehun after his conversation at lunch. He knew Lu Han and Tao’s warning had been in good faith; they had only wanted to make sure he didn’t fall in love with a man who didn’t commit and admitted so freely. When he pushed open the door to his room and saw Sehun turn to look down at him from his bed with bright eyes and no Kyungsoo around, he sighed inside. If only the warning not to fall in love had come sooner, maybe then he could have saved himself; it was too late now. Sehun clambered down from his bunk and plopped onto Jongin’s bed, stretching his long arms out in silent request. Jongin shut and locked the door behind him before crawling across the bed to settle into Sehun’s lap and wait for whatever was coming.
“Hiya, cutie.”
Even as he sat there broken hearted, Jongin couldn’t help but react to Sehun, cheeks burning and lips curling up at the corners as he nuzzled into Sehun’s arms to hide the blush on his face.
“Hi, Sehun.”
“Jongin. We have a lot of the same friends, and I don’t have any secrets, so you may have heard any number of things about my past by now. Am I right?”
“You date a lot.” Jongin grumped. Sehun lifted him from his hiding place to look him in the eye, one hand on his chin.
“That’s right, I do. Does that bother you?”
Jongin wanted to say yes. He wanted to tell Sehun that it bothered him, that Sehun should date him and only him, that they belonged together. Instead, he only shook his head no in Sehun’s grasp.
“Nah, it doesn’t bother me.”
“Good.” Sehun grinned. “Now, I don’t do long term relationships, but I still get crushes and butterflies and all that. It’s not like I’m just picking any and every willing body that’ll look my way, though there’s nothing wrong with that. I meet lots of people, some of them I like more than others and the people I like who like me back I date. After a few weeks the spark kinda dies, ya know? Relationships take work, and dedication, and I’m not ready for all that. So I go out with people while it’s fun, and when it turns into work we break up. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”
“It makes sense. I’ve never met anyone else who lived like you and didn’t lose all their friends and burn all their bridges but-”
Sehun cut Jongin off by pulling his leg, maneuvering the smaller boy’s body until he was sitting on Sehun’s thighs, straddling his lap and facing him. Sehun rested his hands on Jongin’s shoulders, brushed his thumbs across his collarbone. He murmured something that sounded like so beautiful before dropping his hands down to bracket Jongin’s waist and looking him in the eye.
“You’re right. Not many people manage to do what I do as well as I do. And the reason is because they don’t do what I’m doing right now: explaining everything up front, no secrets, no tricks. I won’t promise you a lasting relationship, like I said I’d only date you until it seemed more like a chore than like fun, but I will promise you a real relationship. I really like you, Jongin, and if you’ll have me I will spend the rest of our time together learning you and your likes and dislikes inside and out. I can promise right now that you will be treasured and cared for, that I won’t smother you, that I’ll hold your hand whenever you want. I just want to make you feel good.
I understand if you can’t do that, and regardless of whether we’re dating or not you’re a friend I’m gonna want around for a long time. So. Kim Jongin. Will you be my boyfriend?”
Jongin closed his eyes and breathed in deep. He wanted this, he wanted to say yes, but how could he when he knew that at any moment Sehun would look at him and see an obligation instead of a lover? How could he, when he knew that when that day came, whenever it came, Sehun would dump him and never look back, and he wouldn’t even be able to be upset because he’d been expecting it all along? He struggled, Lu Han and Tao’s warnings racing through his mind, and then he decided.
“I don’t know if you’ve asked anyone about my past Sehun, but I can tell you now I’ve never been exclusive anyone. And,” he swallowed, willing his voice not to crack as he lied, “and I don’t ever really want to. We can kiss and mess around and eat together. I’ll hold your hand and let you cuddle me during breaks. There isn’t anyone else on the boat I want to be with, but I still don’t want to limit myself. I’ll date you, Oh Sehun, but I won’t be your boyfriend.”
“Alright, I can live with that.” Sehun smiled up at him, and Jongin pretended he didn’t see the way Sehun’s eyes lit up at his words.
+
Lu Han woke up and stretched, prepared to laze around all morning in his room. It was the last day of his cruise, and after fourteen days on a ship that he’d visited at least once every year for the past four years there was little to do he hadn’t already done. An easy day in bed appealed to him far more than any of the day’s activities listed on the ship itinerary. He sat up against his headboard and pulled out a book when a soft knocking against his door caught his ear. He hadn’t ordered room service or anything. Eyebrows furrowed and steps hesitant, he walked the small distance to his door, and opened it to reveal a wet cheeked, red eyed Jongin shuffling his feet and sniffling.
“Um. Are you busy?” Lu Han didn’t bother to answer that, stepping out into the hall and shepherding the crying man into his room. He sat Jongin on the bed and climbed up next to him, wrapping thin arms around his shoulders.
“What’s wrong, Angel Pup?”
“You, you, you tried to warn me, but you were- it was already too late. I thought if I could- if I just stepped back it would be fine, but Lu Han what if I can’t?” Fresh tears broke and ran down his face. Lu Han sat and rocked him, humming the same little tune he’d made up the first time Jongin had called him during a thunderstorm. Once his friend had calmed down, Lu Han shifted and tried again.
“Alright, Puppy. Easy this time- what’s wrong?”
“You told me not to fall for Sehun once.”
“I did, and Tao did too.”
“When you two told me, it was too late. I- I was already head over heels for him.”
Lu Han froze, and turned to look Jongin directly in the face.
“You were? Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I didn’t think it mattered. And that night, he asked me out, and he told me he didn’t do long term things, just like you said. I didn’t want to date him knowing it would end, but I also couldn’t just walk away.”
“Jongin, what did you do?”
Chin tucked into his chest, his answer was hard to hear, but Lu Han caught it anyway.
“I told him we could fool around, and I’d date him, but I wouldn’t be his boyfriend. You can’t break up if you never officially got together right?”
“Oh Puppy, no.”
“These past few days hadn’t been bad; things between us were pretty much the same as before, except instead of Kyungsoo fake gagging at how touchy we were, he was fake gagging at our good morning kisses. But I went to see him in the kitchen today, and one of the other newbies, Jiyeon, was acting like she wanted to reach around him but she was really just pressing herself against him.”
“And he let her? Knowing you were right there?”
“He didn’t see me. And yes. No. Both? He just laughed and asked her if she thought she was sneaky; poked her cheek and then gently pushed her to the side. He didn’t let her just grind on him, but he didn’t tell her to back off either. And I know it’s my fault.”
“What?! No, Puppy, don’t say that.”
“No, no it is. If I had said yes, we’d be dating and he would have shut her down, because he’s a faithful guy. But I told him we shouldn’t be limited to each other, so we’re not, and I said it to protect myself, but all I’ve done is set myself up to spend the season watching people throw themselves at him till he finds someone else he likes who’s actually willing to date him.”
Lu Han tried to find the flaw in Jongin’s logic, but he had a point. If they had been a couple, he wouldn’t have had to see things like that.
“But Angel Pup, if you had dated him, you’d be constantly worried about him leaving, so much so that he’d probably leave sooner.”
“I know. And if I had just said no all together, we’d be friends with no kisses and I’d still have to watch him flirt with other people. Lu Han, I hate him and I want him off my boat.”
“Shhh, Puppy, you don’t hate him and it’s not your boat. You’re just heartbroken, that’s all.” Lu Han pulled Jongin’s head to rest on his shoulder, and dragged one hand up and down his young friend’s back. “Look, I can’t say I like how you’re going about this. But you’re an adult and no matter what you do in this situation it’s gonna hurt, so I leave you to pick your poison. I’ll say this though- you might want to look into getting some emotional distance into this. The less attached you are, the less it’ll hurt.”
Jongin sniffled, and then they sat in silence, just rocking together.
“Thanks Lu Han.”
“No problem Angel Pup. You have a lot of work today?”
“No. I’m free until we dock at noon.”
“Stay here and cuddle with me?”
Jongin thought that though the first cruise of the season was usually hectic, this summer had been entirely too much. He could do with a relaxing last day.
“I’d be glad to.”
+
Junmyeon grunted as he dragged the last of the cleaning supplies into storage and handed them in to Jongdae. Three weeks on the ship and moving things around hadn’t gotten any easier. He was absorbed in his work when a voice grabbed his attention.
Hey, Junmyeon. Are you terribly busy right now?”
Junmyeon glanced up from where he kneeled in the supply closet, a bucket full of sponges in hand, to see Eunji leaning around the door frame.
“No, I’m just helping Jongdae put these away for Taeil. What’s up?”
Eunji waved at Jongdae and got a small smile in return before he turned back to his work.
“It isn’t a big deal, its just that we start preparing for lunch in an hour. Normally Sehun’s in the kitchen by now, making sure the breakfast stuff is out of the way but he’s not there. He isn’t late yet, so I’m not gonna go chasing him down, but I was wondering if you knew where he was. He never breaks routine like this.”
Junmyeon shook his head apologetically, unable to help. Eunji nodded and headed back to the kitchen, leaving Junmyeon to wonder where exactly his friend was. It occurred to him that Sehun seemed to lose all sense of time when he was with Jongin and he mentioned it to Jongdae.
“Yeah, I know what you’re talking about. It never causes trouble though, what with Team Leader Kim being so responsible himself.”
“True, but if there was one thing I know, its that there’s a first time for everything.”
“If you want some time to go help Team Leader Jung clear out breakfast, just the two of you, I can go find Sehun and Team Leader Kim.”
Junmyeon flushed but mumbled his thanks before striding off, leaving Jongdae and his knowing grin. Shoving the bucket in place and dusting his hands off on his pants, Jongdae set off to make sure the lovebirds were alright.
He found them sitting on the ground by the theater. Just as he showed up, Yixing and Shinwoo called out to Jongin from inside the projector booth.
“Team Leader Kim! There’s two versions of today’s movie; which should we play?”
Jongdae hung back to let Jongin and Sehun say goodbye, confident now that he wouldn’t have to drag Sehun away to the kitchen. He watched in slight confusion as Jongin stood up and tossed a “see ya.” at Sehun and stepped away without a touch. Sehun shot up from his seat and grabbed at Jongin’s wrist to still him and walked around to face him. Sehun leaned in to peck Jongin on the forehead before letting him go, and received a small nod and a squeeze to the forearm in return, and then Jongin was gone. Jongdae caught Sehun’s attention and herded him up the stairs. He made no mention of how distant the two had seemed; even the perfect couple had to have off days.
+
Sehun watched the last of the vacationers disembark, their two week cruise over. The second cruise of the season was behind them; it’d been a month since he’d started working. The ship would sit in the port for a day, reloading and refueling, and then the next day it was set to take on a whole new load of passengers. Tonight, all the crew workers would decide how they wanted to mix their rooms around. He knew Baekhyun would stay with Tao, and Kyungsoo wouldn’t leave Jongin. He’d thought he’d stay with Jongin too, but with the way things had been lately he wasn’t sure. The sound of Eunji’s laughter rang out across the ship but just like it hadn’t for the past two weeks, it didn’t peak his interest at all. Breakfast was over for the day and dishes were all cleaned, leaving Sehun with nothing to do but stay out of the way while others finished off their jobs before going on shore to relax. He turned when he heard footsteps walk up beside him.
“Oh, hey Junmyeon.”
“Hi Sehun. You know, I’m surprised; the way you two were before, I didn’t think I’d see you without Jongin attached to your arm once you two got serious.”
“Well. We’re not exactly serious.” Sehun brooded. He could feel Junmyeon’s eyes on him, the man not pushing him to speak but still prepared to listen. He tried to hold back from speaking, but a soft hand on his shoulder had everything tumbling out. “He wouldn’t be my boyfriend. We aren’t exclusive. When he said he wouldn’t date only me, I thought “oh, here’s someone who not only accepts how I work but probably works really well with me”, but. I don’t think he meant it. He seems so shut off from me now, not as open as he was before.”
“Hmm. Maybe before was Jongin About To Be In A Relationship and this is Jongin Having A Fling.” Junmyeon thought his explanation would pacify Sehun, but when he looked over his grip on the railing had tightened until his knuckles were white and the muscle in his jaw jumped sporadically.
“See, I was afraid of that.”
“Afraid of what?”
“I was afraid,” Sehun sighed as he released the rail, “it’s all backwards, Junmyeon, and.” His hand swiped through his hair, rough, undoing the style he’d spent all morning perfecting. “This is how I operate; I date while it’s a fun fling, I leave when its relationship you have to work on.”
Junmyeon nodded in understanding. “But things with Jongin were fun when you were headed to a relationship, and now that you both understand it as a fling its work. I see. But, if it’s work now, why don’t you break up with him? As well as you can break up with someone you’re not dating, anyway.”
“Because.” Sehun looked at Junmyeon, eyes full of fear and something else Junmyeon hadn’t seen since he’d left Baekhyun. “Because I want to make it work with him. I already know he won’t have me, but I still want to try. I don’t know how though; I’ve never done that before. I just want my bright, smiley Jongin back, and this time I want him to be mine, all mine, only mine. How do I do that? What do I say?”
Sehun’s voice sounded smaller than Junmyeon had ever heard it. He didn’t like to make it a habit to meddle in his friends’ lives, but looking at Sehun suddenly seeming every bit the young boy he was made Junmyeon want to take care of him.
“You go help some of the others finish up their work, Sehunnie.”
“Where are you going?”
“To find Kyungsoo.”
+
An hour later, Jongin thunked down the stairs to his bunker, steps lethargic, and opened the door to find Kyungsoo and Junmyeon nodding at each other determinedly.
“Oh I’m sorry, Soo, Junmyeon. Am I interrupting; I can leave…”
“Oh no, Jongin, don’t mind me. I’m heading out now. You just stay here, and uh, sit with Kyungsoo.” Junmyeon pulled Jongin into the room, stepped out into the hall, and pulled the door shut before Jongin could protest anymore. He looked up at Kyungsoo holding a notepad and pencil suspiciously; back in high school the man always started doodling right before he trapped Jongin into an important conversation that Jongin usually needed but didn’t want to have.
“Soo, you never draw unless you’re going to scold me, so just out with it.”
Kyungsoo dropped the pencil on his bed and set his paper aside with a shrug.
“Don’t forget you asked.” He stood up, and though he was much shorter than Jongin, he seemed to fill the whole room with his presence. “I know you’re in love with Sehun, so why are you acting like you’re not?”
Jongin spluttered, reaching for answers he didn’t have.
“No, no don’t even start. Lu Han asked me to keep an eye on you before he left.”
“He did what? No, no way, he wouldn’t.”
Kyungsoo arched one eyebrow, judgment dripping from his words. “What did you think was going to happen when you introduced your two best friends-slash-older brothers to each other? Congrats kid, you’ve got a dynamic duo tag teaming to make sure you don’t screw up everything on accident and to hug you when you manage to screw up anyway. Like right now.”
Jongin slumped down onto his bed, shoulders hunched. He had nothing to say for himself and rather than try to make things up in his defense, he kept silent. Kyungsoo sat down next to him, and whispered into the still air.
“Look, it’s not your fault. No matter what you would have told Sehun when he asked you out, you would have ended up here, moping and heartbroken because you wanted different things and you were already in love. And it’s not Sehun’s fault either. He didn’t magic you into giving him your heart, and he never asked for it either. He knows he’s unorthodox, and he’s always been upfront about that. Sometimes life happens, things change. And right now, if you would stop nursing your wounds long enough to look around you, you’ll notice that some of those changes may be in your favor.”
“What? What changes were in my favor?”
Kyungsoo nudged him softly. “When was the last time Sehun was happy, really happy?”
Jongin paused to think; it took him awhile and he finally realized that Sehun had been moping as long as he had. In fact, the last time Sehun had seemed totally happy had been-
“When he asked me to be his boyfriend.”
Kyungsoo nodded once, one finger tapping his temple twice and then pointing at Jongin.
“He watches you, you know Jongin. When you’re cleaning, or laughing with Chanyeol, or calling Lu Han from whatever port we’re in. He stares at you, looks at you like you’re the whole world.”
Jongin’s throat worked, clicking at the dryness as he processed what Kyungsoo was saying. It was too good to be true, he couldn’t mean what Jongin thought he meant. He felt his eyes watering and he shut them quickly, not wanting to cry anymore for this, and shook his head.
“No. No, no, no-”
“Yes, Jongin. I’m your friend, and he’s my friend too.” Small hands gripped at his jaw to stop his head shaking. He wanted larger, rougher hands holding him; he wanted Sehun’s hands. “Listen to me when I tell you: You need. To go talk. To Sehun. Before we rearrange rooms for the rest of the season. Before tonight.”
By the time Jongin opened his eyes again, the hands on his face were long gone and the room was empty. He sat for a moment, and then he jumped up and raced out of the room and up the stairs. He needed to find Sehun.
+
Sehun shuffled through the port city market, trying not to let everything he saw bring up some memory of Jongin. He felt so stupid. The one person he wanted to have a relationship with, and it had fallen apart before it even had a chance to be recognized. He’d thought about maybe talking to Eunji, just to try, but then he’d seen Junmyeon walk up to her with a flower in his hand and a grin on his face. They looked good standing next to each other; Sehun hoped they’d get together and stay together even when things got difficult. He felt like the walking poster boy for what not trying did. He stood at the edge of the mart, ready to walk into the city and not return until the morning when he heard faint cries of his name, slowly growing in volume.
“Sehun! Sehun! Dangit, Hun I know you hear me, stop walking you doofus!”
Sehun turned slowly, eyes shut and praying he wasn’t imagining things, that when he opened his eyes Jongin would really be standing there in front of him.
“Hey, doofus. Open your eyes; look at me.”
He blinked them open slowly, and then there was Jongin, standing in front of him nearly out of breath, hair wild from running against the wind. Sehun licked his lips and opened his mouth, but found he had no words. He really had no idea what to say. Swallowing nothing hard, he went to try again only to be stopped by Jongin’s hand in his face.
“Wait, just don’t, don’t say anything yet. Just. You told me you ask people out with the understanding that you’re going to break up with them, right? Just nod your head or shake it.”
Sehun nodded once, eyes filling with tears, and he tried to tell Jongin that that wasn’t true anymore, that he didn’t want to leave him after all, but Jongin cut him off with a firm shake of his head.
“No, let me finish. Ok so you, you take people out with a deadline of sorts in mind. And I always knew I would ask someone out with every intention of staying with them for as long as I possibly could. So. We tried it with you asking me, and it failed.”
Sehun realized he was holding his breath, but he couldn’t bring himself to exhale. Not yet, because it sounded like Jongin was headed in a direction Sehun wanted more than anything but he wasn’t sure. He physically couldn’t bring himself to breathe until he knew for sure. Jongin licked at his lower lip, before standing up straight and looking Sehun in the eye.
“So let’s try it like this. With no time limits or deadlines, trying as hard as we can every day to make it work, for as long as I love you and until you can’t love me. Oh Sehun, will you be my boyfriend?”
Jongin paused, all his bravado gone now that he’d managed to put the question out there. It felt like time was stretching on infinitely long before Sehun cradled his face in his hands and whispered yes, a million times yes into his lips over and over between kisses.
+
“Alright, my hardworking honey bees! Today, you get to swap rooms until you’re all paired up with the friends you’ve made this first month. Choose wisely; just because someone is a good friend doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll be a good roommate. For the sake of some of your relationships, you should avoid it.” Chanyeol grinned as the crew around him laughed at his light (truthful) advice. “I’m staying in my room of course, so that’s that,” he checked his own room off the list on his clipboard.
“The room across from me, Kyungsoo, Jongin and Sehun. Kyungsoo, are you staying?”
“Yes, Supervisor Park.”
A check mark. “Alright, Team Leader Kim, you staying?”
Jongin nodded. “I’m staying.”
Another check mark. Jongin could feel four pairs of eyes on him; he assumed it was Junmyeon, Kyungsoo, Baekhyun, and Tao. He kept his gaze forward and focused on Chanyeol, his expression carefully blank, and felt Sehun fidget beside him.
“Ok, and Oh Sehun, are you-”
“He’s staying.” Chanyeol looked up at the interruption to see Jongin staring at him with a goofy grin, Sehun’s arm firmly wrapped around his shoulders. “Team Leader’s orders, Supervisor Park. He’s staying in the room with me.”
Chanyeol grinned. “Hell yeah! I mean, uh” he coughed once and nodded authoritatively, “Mr. Oh will be remaining in the room with Mr. Kim and Mr. Do then. Yes.” He moved on down the list. Eunji moved into the room next door to Junmyeon, who stayed with Baekhyun and Tao. Tao nearly missed his turn to answer, because he was busy trying to get Jongin and Sehun’s attention. He wanted details of course, the whole group did; Lu Han would have to be told as well. Jongin figured they could wait, and Sehun wholeheartedly agreed. They’d missed almost three weeks of each other, and they had the rest of the summer to make it up. They wanted to savor every moment of it.
one│ two│three