Ask Heechul - Fifth Edition with Donghae
Title: Ask Heechul - Fifth Edition with Donghae Guesting
Pairing: None
Rating: G
Length: 2608 words
Summary: Donghae gets to fill in for Heechul in his advice column in exchange for doing the dishes for Heechul.
Hiya, ELFs! Heechul-hyung was nice enough to let me write to you all like this because helped him with the dishes. Usually he would suggest we eat out a lot so he wouldn’t have dishes to wash, but now he’s been insisting we eat here at the dorms much more often and it’s been so nice to get to spend so much more time with my Hyung. Heechul is usually so busy that I’m really thankful I got the chance to spend time with him and help him with things, even if my hands look like prunes because of it. I’m glad to be able to get to write to you all to and answer your questions. Heechul says he’ll help me out if I need it like he did with Siwon, so with the two of us working together I’m sure you all will receive good advice. Next time Heechul will be back and he wanted me to make sure you all knew you could still submit your questions here.
~Donghae
Letter One:
Donghae,
I already know what everyone else thinks. But coming from you: Who do you REALLY like?
Signed,
(Any fake name I can think of would give me away anyway)
Dear person,
HI!!! Um… I like everyone really! All of my hyungs and dongsaengs are really awesome people to be around and I really enjoy spending time with them so much. They all take care of me very well. There are some like Heechul and Kibum that are very busy so I don't get to see them often so I look forward to spending time with them even more, and then there are friends like Eunhyuk that I get to see a lot and feel very comfortable with. But I love them all and they will always be a part of my family.
~Donghae
(This is true. He really doesn't have much of a bias and loves everyone equally, and for once I don't mean that in the perverted sense like I did with Siwon. -Heechul)
Letter Two:
Dear Mr. East Sea,
I think you need to cut your hair. It's getting a little shaggy-dog-like.
No offence.
Hair Observer
Dear Hair Observer,
HI! I had to grow my hair long so they could put a bow in it for the Gee performances. They tried to tape a bow to my head at first but it kept flopping around and wouldn't stay. I tried one of the coordi-noona's headbands, but that just made the sides of my head hurt. That is why the only solution was for me to grow my hair long so they could tie a bow in. I have recently had my hair cut though, I hope you will like the pictures when you see them! I didn't have that much cut away, but to me I feel bald now without the extra hair.
~Donghae
(You have to admit, the shaggy hair was worth seeing him in a bow, you know it was. -Heechul)
Letter Three:
Dear Donghae,
There's this guy I like, but I'm not sure if he really likes me back or not and yet I will be going far away soon that I'll never be able to see him again. Should I talk to him? I want to leave on good terms with him and not make him uncomfortable with me.
Thank you,
I Like Him
Dear I Like Him,
I think you should always be honest with your feelings, though I have learned the hard way it is not always best to let everything spill out all at once abruptly. Apparently that scares people, and it makes them look at you funny as they begin to back away. At least if you talk to him a little before you go you may become friends, and once you go away you can become pen pals. I write to my band mates lots when I'm away in China, and though it is not the same as having them here with me it is still good to keep in touch with them that way. Having pen pals is fun though, so you should ask him to be your pen pal.
~Donghae
(....now if he'd only quit sending me those chain letters... -Heechul)
Letter Four:
Dear Donghae-oppa!
The Sorry Sorry MV was really awesome but, seriously, when did your voice ever get so low. And Kyuhyun's voice was really, REALLY high at the performance @ GDA. How do you guys change your voices like that?
Sincerely,
1st Soprano, and not changing any time soon.
Dear 1st Soprano,
HI!!! When we recorded Sorry Sorry the producers said it was supposed to be a sexy song and that I should have a sexy voice. And I asked Kangin-hyung how to have a sexy voice and he said that girls thought it was sexy when guys had a deep voice, so I tried to have a deep voice for the song to make it sexy. And as for Kyuhyun's high voice, he was paying his games before the show and Leeteuk told him it was time to stop but he didn't want to. Leeteuk tried to take the computer away, but Kyuhyun took it back, so Kangin-hyung hit Kyuhyun for being mean to Leeteuk. I'm pretty sure Kangin meant to hit his side, but Kyuhyun had turned around and Kangin hit him right in his man-doodle. We had to go on set right after that and I don't think Kyuhyun had enough time to recover. But that is why Kyuhyun doesn't play games around Leeteuk anymore.
~Donghae
(This is also why Sungmin disappeared into Kyuhyun's room after the show and promised not to come back out until the 'swelling went down'. -Heechul)
Letter Five:
Dear Donghae-hyung,
I was previously working with a large group of friends but I decided to pursue my dreams and work differently. Now I have no time with my friends or the one I love. And I seriously can't get the one I love to sit down for two seconds. Like, ever. All he'll ever do is talk about FISH. And ALIENS. And, and, and HIPPOS. WTF do I do !?
Sincerely,
STFU, Heechul. You say one word, I will kill you.
Dear STFU,
Why would you have a name like that? It makes you sound very cranky. If your boyfriend likes fish and aliens, though, he sounds like a really cool guy! I like fish and aliens too but when I talk about them everyone just gives me weird looks. I know not everyone is going to like the same things I like, but sometimes I wish they'd be willing to just sit and listen to me for a while instead of telling me I'm weird. Anyways! Even if you don't like the same things he does or have the same hobbies, maybe you should ask him about his own, because you can learn more about each other by talking about the things you like. And since he won't sit still, maybe you should do something fun together like going rollerblading or something! That would be especially good since you said you don't have much time, that way you can hang out and exercise at the same time! Tell your fishy friend I said hello!
~Donghae
(... I think he's spent too much time with Siwon while they were in China. He's completely oblivious, though with his attention span that doesn't surprise me. I'm surprised he managed to get this many questions answered. -Heechul)
Letter Six:
Dear my Donghae-ah,
What do you think? EunHae or KiHae? And if you like KiHae more, why? What could Eunhyuk do so that you'll like EunHae more?
-Anchovy Over Apples
Dear Anchovy,
HI!! Why do I have to chose? You can't compare anchovies to apples anyways. One is a fish and one is a fruit, and they're nothing alike at all. All of my friends are different, and I have different reasons for loving them all.
~Donghae
(At least he's better at dodging questions than Siwon. -Heechul)
Letter Seven:
Dear Donghae-oppa,
I am a regular asker on Heechul oppa's column, and I introduce myself as hanchul-is-my-otp. But for you Donghae oppa, I will introduce myself as shirt-ripping-Donghae. Anyways oppa, why don't you strip more often? I’m sure you'd get more fans than Heechul oppa if you do your strips more frequently.
-yours truly, shirt ripping Donghae
Dear Yours Truly,
HI!! ELFs are like my family, and it is always awkward getting undressed in front of family members, especially when I'm on stage and there are thousands of family members screaming at me. Besides, I want to have muscles like Siwon's! Siwon is my dongsaeng but his muscles are so much bigger and it makes him look so much more mature. I have started going to the gym with him though, so I hope you all will be able to see some improvement soon.
~Donghae
(He really is bashful, which is such a shame because I've seen him without his clothes and you all are missing out on so much. -Heechul)
Letter Eight:
Dear Donghae,
I like this boy but his attention (do you like confetti?) span is the size of a small tea spoon and sadly so is mine (OMG! I SAW THIS AWESOME MAGAZINE ON FISH YOU'D LOVE xD!) I know we love each other very much (do you like strawberries?!) but I also know we've cheated on each (do you eat fish? o.O) other too... how do we over come (don't you think Kyuhyun’s game addiction is getting out of hand?) this?? (glitter, do you like it?)
- sad and oh what's your favourite flavour chips?
Dear Sad (pizza pringles),
OMG HI!! :D If his attention span is as small as yours (yes, I like it because it's really colorful) then I don't think you'd have a problem getting along (send it to me) so long as you can sync your attention spans to switch to the same topics at the same time (strawberries are good with chocolate). Cheating on each other is not good (I love fish), but I suppose it is okay so long as you both know about it (It's not getting out of hand, it only seems that way because he's getting everyone else addicted too but I'm not allowed to play because I break computers). Just make sure you are always honest with each other (yes, it's sparkly).
~Donghae
(Just exactly how many conversations was that? -Heechul)
Letter Nine:
Dear Hae,
I forgot to feed my boyfriend's pet and it's dead. He's coming home from visiting his parents in two days. Should I buy him another turtle pet?
-The Bad Mommy
P.S. He's a bit creepy when angry. OMFG DO YOU THINK HE'D HIT ME OR SOMETHING?????
Dear Ryeowook(?)
HI WOOKIE! It died last week, but Yesung didn't notice because the turtle never moved around much anyways. Didn't you smell it? But my question is... when did Yesung leave? I didn't notice he was gone.
~Donghae
(Neither did I, come to think of it. -Heechul)
Letter Ten:
Donghae! (And Heechul, since you'll probably be reading/ proofing over his shoulder)
I have this friend that wants me to date him, and my Mom and sister really want me to. I'm the type who hates hurting peoples feelings, and that makes saying no really hard (which is why I'm stuck going to the Christmas dance with him next week). I don't want to date him, but I really don't want to hurt his feelings, since he is my friend. What should I do?
- Sunny
Dear Sunny,
HI!! I think you should go to the Christmas dance with him anyways and try to have a good time with your friend. But make sure he knows that you are just going as friends. I'm sure your family has your best interests in mind, but maybe you should explain to them why you don't see him as date material. I know there are lots of my friends that I really care about, but that doesn't mean that I'd want to date them all. Still I think you should try to make the most of your situation! Always try to have fun, no matter what you're doing.
~Donghae
(I say go to the dance and be a total bitch so he loses interest in you on his own and that way you won't feel guilty when he breaks things off. -Heechul)
Letter Eleven:
Donghae oppa!
I have a question...who do you think is better? Eunhae or Hanchul?
And do aliens really exist? We think that some of the ladies at work at aliens because they work so slowly...but do you think we can prove that?
- EunHae-shipper >=]
Dear Eunhae,
HI!! Eunhae is better, always. We are more entertaining. I don't think your coworkers are aliens if they are working so slowly. Aliens would have advanced technologies and be able to work so much faster than the rest of us. And they have really long fingers so they'd be able to type faster too. But if your slow coworkers suddenly speed up maybe they are aliens, and were just outdated models replaced with new ones. It's possible.
~Donghae
(....I suppose that depends on what kind of entertainment you're looking for, Eunhae-shipper. -Heechul)
Letter Twelve:
Donghae,
If you like aliens, and there are aliens in StarCraft,
why don't you go spend some time with Kyuhyun
and 'learn how to play StarCraft'
don't forget to tell us all about it ;D
KyuHae shipper.
Dear KyuHae,
HI!!! Kyuhyun has threatened me with bodily harm if I ever try to touch his computer again. And Kyuhyunnie says that StarCraft is not something you learn how to play, but a duty you are called to fulfill, and he says I have not been called to duty yet but he will be more than happy to let me know whenever that time comes.
~Donghae
(He's going to be waiting a while... -Heechul)
Letter Thirteen:
dear Donghae,
I really like my friend who is addicted to alien and fish, and he's so dense. He's so close with my friend who is also a great dancer like him, but I don't like to see them together. can you give me some tips to get him closer to me than to Eun- I mean my dancer friend, especially now that we can't meet that often due to my film- I mean tight schedule and his prom- tight schedule as well, though they're like always together. and I'm confused of what should I give him for this Christmas. what do you think, should I give him an alien or fish plushie?
-KiKi
PS. which one do you think is better, short or long hair? Should I keep my hair black or dye it like Eun- I mean my dancer friend does?
Dear KiKi,
Kibum? Is that you? If it is, please come back, I miss you! We all miss you, we really do. I don't want anything for Christmas, just please come back.
If this is not Kibum, I'd go with the fish plushie. Fish plushies are way cuter than alien plushies. And style your hair however you like because you will look best when you are most comfortable with yourself.
~Donghae
(Way to go, Kibum, you made him cry. -Heechul)
Letter Fourteen:
Dear Donghae,
OH MY GOSH THE ALIENS ARE COMING. I READ THE SIGNS, DONGHAE, I DID. THE SIGNS. WHAT DO WE DO? D:
- Panicking
Dear Panicking,
OMG NO WAI!!! RUN AND HIDE!
~Donghae
(Apparently he wasn't joking, he's been under his bed for the past hour. -Heechul)
Pairing: None
Rating: G
Length: 2608 words
Summary: Donghae gets to fill in for Heechul in his advice column in exchange for doing the dishes for Heechul.
Hiya, ELFs! Heechul-hyung was nice enough to let me write to you all like this because helped him with the dishes. Usually he would suggest we eat out a lot so he wouldn’t have dishes to wash, but now he’s been insisting we eat here at the dorms much more often and it’s been so nice to get to spend so much more time with my Hyung. Heechul is usually so busy that I’m really thankful I got the chance to spend time with him and help him with things, even if my hands look like prunes because of it. I’m glad to be able to get to write to you all to and answer your questions. Heechul says he’ll help me out if I need it like he did with Siwon, so with the two of us working together I’m sure you all will receive good advice. Next time Heechul will be back and he wanted me to make sure you all knew you could still submit your questions here.
~Donghae
Letter One:
Donghae,
I already know what everyone else thinks. But coming from you: Who do you REALLY like?
Signed,
(Any fake name I can think of would give me away anyway)
Dear person,
HI!!! Um… I like everyone really! All of my hyungs and dongsaengs are really awesome people to be around and I really enjoy spending time with them so much. They all take care of me very well. There are some like Heechul and Kibum that are very busy so I don't get to see them often so I look forward to spending time with them even more, and then there are friends like Eunhyuk that I get to see a lot and feel very comfortable with. But I love them all and they will always be a part of my family.
~Donghae
(This is true. He really doesn't have much of a bias and loves everyone equally, and for once I don't mean that in the perverted sense like I did with Siwon. -Heechul)
Letter Two:
Dear Mr. East Sea,
I think you need to cut your hair. It's getting a little shaggy-dog-like.
No offence.
Hair Observer
Dear Hair Observer,
HI! I had to grow my hair long so they could put a bow in it for the Gee performances. They tried to tape a bow to my head at first but it kept flopping around and wouldn't stay. I tried one of the coordi-noona's headbands, but that just made the sides of my head hurt. That is why the only solution was for me to grow my hair long so they could tie a bow in. I have recently had my hair cut though, I hope you will like the pictures when you see them! I didn't have that much cut away, but to me I feel bald now without the extra hair.
~Donghae
(You have to admit, the shaggy hair was worth seeing him in a bow, you know it was. -Heechul)
Letter Three:
Dear Donghae,
There's this guy I like, but I'm not sure if he really likes me back or not and yet I will be going far away soon that I'll never be able to see him again. Should I talk to him? I want to leave on good terms with him and not make him uncomfortable with me.
Thank you,
I Like Him
Dear I Like Him,
I think you should always be honest with your feelings, though I have learned the hard way it is not always best to let everything spill out all at once abruptly. Apparently that scares people, and it makes them look at you funny as they begin to back away. At least if you talk to him a little before you go you may become friends, and once you go away you can become pen pals. I write to my band mates lots when I'm away in China, and though it is not the same as having them here with me it is still good to keep in touch with them that way. Having pen pals is fun though, so you should ask him to be your pen pal.
~Donghae
(....now if he'd only quit sending me those chain letters... -Heechul)
Letter Four:
Dear Donghae-oppa!
The Sorry Sorry MV was really awesome but, seriously, when did your voice ever get so low. And Kyuhyun's voice was really, REALLY high at the performance @ GDA. How do you guys change your voices like that?
Sincerely,
1st Soprano, and not changing any time soon.
Dear 1st Soprano,
HI!!! When we recorded Sorry Sorry the producers said it was supposed to be a sexy song and that I should have a sexy voice. And I asked Kangin-hyung how to have a sexy voice and he said that girls thought it was sexy when guys had a deep voice, so I tried to have a deep voice for the song to make it sexy. And as for Kyuhyun's high voice, he was paying his games before the show and Leeteuk told him it was time to stop but he didn't want to. Leeteuk tried to take the computer away, but Kyuhyun took it back, so Kangin-hyung hit Kyuhyun for being mean to Leeteuk. I'm pretty sure Kangin meant to hit his side, but Kyuhyun had turned around and Kangin hit him right in his man-doodle. We had to go on set right after that and I don't think Kyuhyun had enough time to recover. But that is why Kyuhyun doesn't play games around Leeteuk anymore.
~Donghae
(This is also why Sungmin disappeared into Kyuhyun's room after the show and promised not to come back out until the 'swelling went down'. -Heechul)
Letter Five:
Dear Donghae-hyung,
I was previously working with a large group of friends but I decided to pursue my dreams and work differently. Now I have no time with my friends or the one I love. And I seriously can't get the one I love to sit down for two seconds. Like, ever. All he'll ever do is talk about FISH. And ALIENS. And, and, and HIPPOS. WTF do I do !?
Sincerely,
STFU, Heechul. You say one word, I will kill you.
Dear STFU,
Why would you have a name like that? It makes you sound very cranky. If your boyfriend likes fish and aliens, though, he sounds like a really cool guy! I like fish and aliens too but when I talk about them everyone just gives me weird looks. I know not everyone is going to like the same things I like, but sometimes I wish they'd be willing to just sit and listen to me for a while instead of telling me I'm weird. Anyways! Even if you don't like the same things he does or have the same hobbies, maybe you should ask him about his own, because you can learn more about each other by talking about the things you like. And since he won't sit still, maybe you should do something fun together like going rollerblading or something! That would be especially good since you said you don't have much time, that way you can hang out and exercise at the same time! Tell your fishy friend I said hello!
~Donghae
(... I think he's spent too much time with Siwon while they were in China. He's completely oblivious, though with his attention span that doesn't surprise me. I'm surprised he managed to get this many questions answered. -Heechul)
Letter Six:
Dear my Donghae-ah,
What do you think? EunHae or KiHae? And if you like KiHae more, why? What could Eunhyuk do so that you'll like EunHae more?
-Anchovy Over Apples
Dear Anchovy,
HI!! Why do I have to chose? You can't compare anchovies to apples anyways. One is a fish and one is a fruit, and they're nothing alike at all. All of my friends are different, and I have different reasons for loving them all.
~Donghae
(At least he's better at dodging questions than Siwon. -Heechul)
Letter Seven:
Dear Donghae-oppa,
I am a regular asker on Heechul oppa's column, and I introduce myself as hanchul-is-my-otp. But for you Donghae oppa, I will introduce myself as shirt-ripping-Donghae. Anyways oppa, why don't you strip more often? I’m sure you'd get more fans than Heechul oppa if you do your strips more frequently.
-yours truly, shirt ripping Donghae
Dear Yours Truly,
HI!! ELFs are like my family, and it is always awkward getting undressed in front of family members, especially when I'm on stage and there are thousands of family members screaming at me. Besides, I want to have muscles like Siwon's! Siwon is my dongsaeng but his muscles are so much bigger and it makes him look so much more mature. I have started going to the gym with him though, so I hope you all will be able to see some improvement soon.
~Donghae
(He really is bashful, which is such a shame because I've seen him without his clothes and you all are missing out on so much. -Heechul)
Letter Eight:
Dear Donghae,
I like this boy but his attention (do you like confetti?) span is the size of a small tea spoon and sadly so is mine (OMG! I SAW THIS AWESOME MAGAZINE ON FISH YOU'D LOVE xD!) I know we love each other very much (do you like strawberries?!) but I also know we've cheated on each (do you eat fish? o.O) other too... how do we over come (don't you think Kyuhyun’s game addiction is getting out of hand?) this?? (glitter, do you like it?)
- sad and oh what's your favourite flavour chips?
Dear Sad (pizza pringles),
OMG HI!! :D If his attention span is as small as yours (yes, I like it because it's really colorful) then I don't think you'd have a problem getting along (send it to me) so long as you can sync your attention spans to switch to the same topics at the same time (strawberries are good with chocolate). Cheating on each other is not good (I love fish), but I suppose it is okay so long as you both know about it (It's not getting out of hand, it only seems that way because he's getting everyone else addicted too but I'm not allowed to play because I break computers). Just make sure you are always honest with each other (yes, it's sparkly).
~Donghae
(Just exactly how many conversations was that? -Heechul)
Letter Nine:
Dear Hae,
I forgot to feed my boyfriend's pet and it's dead. He's coming home from visiting his parents in two days. Should I buy him another turtle pet?
-The Bad Mommy
P.S. He's a bit creepy when angry. OMFG DO YOU THINK HE'D HIT ME OR SOMETHING?????
Dear Ryeowook(?)
HI WOOKIE! It died last week, but Yesung didn't notice because the turtle never moved around much anyways. Didn't you smell it? But my question is... when did Yesung leave? I didn't notice he was gone.
~Donghae
(Neither did I, come to think of it. -Heechul)
Letter Ten:
Donghae! (And Heechul, since you'll probably be reading/ proofing over his shoulder)
I have this friend that wants me to date him, and my Mom and sister really want me to. I'm the type who hates hurting peoples feelings, and that makes saying no really hard (which is why I'm stuck going to the Christmas dance with him next week). I don't want to date him, but I really don't want to hurt his feelings, since he is my friend. What should I do?
- Sunny
Dear Sunny,
HI!! I think you should go to the Christmas dance with him anyways and try to have a good time with your friend. But make sure he knows that you are just going as friends. I'm sure your family has your best interests in mind, but maybe you should explain to them why you don't see him as date material. I know there are lots of my friends that I really care about, but that doesn't mean that I'd want to date them all. Still I think you should try to make the most of your situation! Always try to have fun, no matter what you're doing.
~Donghae
(I say go to the dance and be a total bitch so he loses interest in you on his own and that way you won't feel guilty when he breaks things off. -Heechul)
Letter Eleven:
Donghae oppa!
I have a question...who do you think is better? Eunhae or Hanchul?
And do aliens really exist? We think that some of the ladies at work at aliens because they work so slowly...but do you think we can prove that?
- EunHae-shipper >=]
Dear Eunhae,
HI!! Eunhae is better, always. We are more entertaining. I don't think your coworkers are aliens if they are working so slowly. Aliens would have advanced technologies and be able to work so much faster than the rest of us. And they have really long fingers so they'd be able to type faster too. But if your slow coworkers suddenly speed up maybe they are aliens, and were just outdated models replaced with new ones. It's possible.
~Donghae
(....I suppose that depends on what kind of entertainment you're looking for, Eunhae-shipper. -Heechul)
Letter Twelve:
Donghae,
If you like aliens, and there are aliens in StarCraft,
why don't you go spend some time with Kyuhyun
and 'learn how to play StarCraft'
don't forget to tell us all about it ;D
KyuHae shipper.
Dear KyuHae,
HI!!! Kyuhyun has threatened me with bodily harm if I ever try to touch his computer again. And Kyuhyunnie says that StarCraft is not something you learn how to play, but a duty you are called to fulfill, and he says I have not been called to duty yet but he will be more than happy to let me know whenever that time comes.
~Donghae
(He's going to be waiting a while... -Heechul)
Letter Thirteen:
dear Donghae,
I really like my friend who is addicted to alien and fish, and he's so dense. He's so close with my friend who is also a great dancer like him, but I don't like to see them together. can you give me some tips to get him closer to me than to Eun- I mean my dancer friend, especially now that we can't meet that often due to my film- I mean tight schedule and his prom- tight schedule as well, though they're like always together. and I'm confused of what should I give him for this Christmas. what do you think, should I give him an alien or fish plushie?
-KiKi
PS. which one do you think is better, short or long hair? Should I keep my hair black or dye it like Eun- I mean my dancer friend does?
Dear KiKi,
Kibum? Is that you? If it is, please come back, I miss you! We all miss you, we really do. I don't want anything for Christmas, just please come back.
If this is not Kibum, I'd go with the fish plushie. Fish plushies are way cuter than alien plushies. And style your hair however you like because you will look best when you are most comfortable with yourself.
~Donghae
(Way to go, Kibum, you made him cry. -Heechul)
Letter Fourteen:
Dear Donghae,
OH MY GOSH THE ALIENS ARE COMING. I READ THE SIGNS, DONGHAE, I DID. THE SIGNS. WHAT DO WE DO? D:
- Panicking
Dear Panicking,
OMG NO WAI!!! RUN AND HIDE!
~Donghae
(Apparently he wasn't joking, he's been under his bed for the past hour. -Heechul)