Hold My Hand
Title: Hold My Hand
Pairing: Hangeng/Siwon
Rating: PG? There's death involved, but nothing graphic.
Length: 2338 words.
Summary: Hangeng thinks back over all the times Siwon has held his hand, from the very first to the very last.
I still remember the first time you held my hand. Of course there had been plenty of hugs and squeezes before, that’s just how you are, but I still remember the first time you held my hand. I still remember just like it was yesterday… maybe in the grand scheme of things it was. Time can pass in the blink of an eye… how many times have I blinked since then?
The first time you held my hand was when I had to perform with a mask, since I wasn’t technically allowed to be on television then, I really wasn’t supposed to be performing at all. You know how the label was though, rules and regulations never meant much, I suppose though thought slapping a mask over my face was good enough. Each time I had to pull that mask on though I felt worse and worse, why was I even needed anymore if I had to lie about who I was? Of course I wanted to be famous, but at what price? I worried so often that if I was found out, it wouldn’t just ruin my career but everyone else’s as well, and I certainly didn’t want that. I had reached the point of contemplating discussing my feelings with the management and leaving the group and heading back to China just to sit and wait in the shadows until everything was proper, because I didn’t want to drag everyone else down with me… but then there you were, slipping up beside me as we walked down the hall towards the stage. You slipped your hand into mine and gave it a squeeze. I couldn’t see much behind the mask when I turned my head to look up at you, but I still remember seeing your smile. Perhaps it was the light in your eyes combined with the jolt I got from your touch, but whatever it was permanently etched that moment in the back of my head… or perhaps its etched in my heart instead.
You held my hand many times after that… would you believe me if I told you I remember each one? Some of the memories are vague, some crystal clear, but I still remember.
You know as well as I do my Korean was never the best. I tried, you know I did, but the more people that spoke, the less I understood. You know as well as I do in a group of fifteen people, one on one conversations were a rarity. It was even worse on stage, when someone was trying to mumble vague directions into a microphone that wasn’t wired quite right. You were always there though to slip your hand into mine to tug me off in whatever direction I needed to be in, saving me from looking like a fool time and time again. I’m sure the fans liked it too… I think they always thought of us as the romantic couple, but that’s just my opinion.
You were always such a cuddly person, you held my hand in happy times just as much as you did in sad times, but I think it’s the sad times I remember most. There always seemed to be some sort of strength in your touch, something in that little squeeze of your hand over mine that gave me the courage to continue on.
I still remember you holding my hand the day I told you I was leaving and not coming back. You probably would have held my other one as well, but it was holding my luggage as I stood in the door way. Your touch felt different then, but I still remember it. I could feel the way you hesitated, I could feel the way you wanted to pull me back inside, but you held yourself back because you were always too much of a gentleman to force your opinions on others. I still remember how it felt to have your hand squeeze mine again as you tried to be supportive and positive and wish me luck in everything that I did, even though I knew you were sad, I could see it in your eyes. You might have been good at forcing a smile on your lips… but your eyes never lied.
There was a part of me that thought that touch would be the last, but that just wasn’t meant to be. We were a family, weren’t we? Bonded through thick and thin, no matter how far distance might stretch the bonds.
I remember you held my hand again as we walked in the funeral procession, though this time your grip wasn’t as strong and encouraging. I think you needed me to hold you up just as much as I needed you. Kangin’s death had come as a shock to everyone, didn’t it? I suppose if it were to happen, you’d think it’d be more logical for him to die while he was in the army, there’d been a few close calls when things had become tense between North and South Korea, though thankfully nothing had happened. But just two short weeks after his release from the army he collapsed and was gone just like that. They said he’d had a hemorrhage in his brain, though the doctors never figured out why. I still remember when Jungsu called me that night, but I don’t really remember much after that. I remember booking my flight back to Korea… but after that it gets a little fuzzy. Things happened in a blur. I had expected to be kept on the outside of the circle after what I had done, but you all welcomed me back into the circle like I had only gone off for a short vacation. To see that you hand still fit in mine the same way it always had made me feel as though I’d only been gone a moment.
But now, with my hand in yours, that feeling is gone, and you have no idea how much I want to get it back. Then again… maybe you do. I’m sure if you had your choice, you wouldn’t want to be where you are either, but you were always such a brave man. You and your faith… you always said the Lord would never give you more than you could handle so you would face your responsibilities without fear, but what about me? I’m pretty sure I can’t handle this, I’m pretty sure I’m scared to death, but I hold your hand and put on a brave smile, because that’s all I know how to do.
You of all people… you were so healthy. They didn’t call you a horse for nothing. But when you kept complaining about pain in your back, Jungsu being the umma that he is forced you to see a doctor for x-rays… and then those x-rays were sent on to a specialist, and you were sent off for more tests. They didn’t want to say much at first, just that something didn’t look quite right and they’d have to look a bit further. We thought maybe you’d over exerted yourself and pulled something in your back, but it doesn’t take a blood test to check for a pulled muscle, and I lost track of just how many vials they took out of you. I held your hand then too, but your hand was still warm then. I still remember the way your fingers trembled, even though you put on a brave face for the nurse and told her this sort of thing didn’t bother you.
I remember holding your hand when you got that phone call, too. You didn’t ask me too, but the look in your eyes told me you needed it. That was when they told you there was nothing wrong with your back, but there were two spots in your left lung that shouldn’t be, though I suppose spots isn’t the right word. A spot is something insignificant, but these were two… things… they estimated to be the size of golf balls. More tests were run after that, even more blood work, more body scans, even a biopsy, but you still looked so healthy then. When the diagnosis came back confirming what everyone feared, none of us knew what to say. You were far too young to have lung cancer; you’d never smoked a day in your life. But still you tried to be brave, more for us I think than for yourself. You said everything happened for a reason. You said if it was meant to happen it was meant to happen, and that you weren’t going to worry yourself sick over it… but that was okay, I think we all worried enough for you.
At first the doctors were confident you’d make it through, you were young, healthy. They were confident that with their treatment, you’d bounce right back and have nothing to worry about… but that was only a month ago, and now here we are. Here I am wishing you’d squeeze my hand and give me strength once again.
It was during a scan just a week after your first diagnosis that they found the lumps had tripled in size and were already beginning to grow into the lining of your heart. The doctors were still confident it was treatable… it was just a little more tricky. A week after that it had spread into your kidneys and other organs, and you began to rapidly grow weaker. Still the doctors promised… but we already knew time was running out. Still you smiled though, confident that you were in good hands, though you never really specified which hands you were referring to when you’d say that. A week after that and they confirmed it had spread to your brain as well. It was spreading so fast each day there was something else you couldn’t do, something else you forgot, but still you’d stay strong. The doctors still thought they could help… they’d just have to use stronger doses and work faster… but then when you refused the chemo and radiation you left them all baffled. Your faith was still strong though, that was something I had always envied about you. While I can’t say that I don’t have faith at all, I know I’m rather wishy-washy. But you… you were still a pillar of strength, even when all of your physical strength had left your body. You were still so confident in your faith, you had decided that you would go when God decided to call, not a moment before, not a moment after, and if he didn’t decide to call then some how you would make it through.
You forgot a lot more after that, though. You even forgot where you were or why you were there, but I suppose that was for the best. You still remembered us though; you still knew all of our names and our hobbies, what we liked to talk about and what we didn’t. And I still remember, even as you started slipping away, you’d still smile to me when I came in to visit, you’d still hold your hand out to me and curl your fingers around mine just like you always had, and you’d hold my hand just like that until you fell asleep and I decided it was time to slip away for a little while.
When I came yesterday Jungsu and Heechul were in the parking lot, I guess they’d just finished visiting. I stopped to talk for a little while, and it was with a bitter laugh and tears in his eyes that Heechul told me you really were losing your mind. He said you’d talked to them for a little while and that you had told them you were going to be leaving. He laughed again, though it was choked and pained. I think forcing himself to laugh was simply his way of coping, but he had laughed and wanted to know how you could possibly think you’d just up and recover and walk out of there when everyone else knew you were going to die. He said having that kind of faith was such a stupid thing, a waste of time… but that’s just Heechul for you, he’s just upset, don’t mind him much, you and I both know he cares for you a lot.
I remember when I went in and sat down to visit with you, I had to shake you a little to wake you up as you were back to sleeping again, but this time you opened your eyes wide and looked right at me, and I swear they’ve never been more beautiful. They were clear, they sparkled. They weren’t clouded with pain anymore, they weren’t darkened from exhaustion. You opened your eyes and looked right at me and spoke.
“Gege… I’ll be going soon.”
I forced a smile and nodded my head as I told you that it was okay, you could go whenever you were ready. You smiled at me… such a sweet, happy smile. You nodded your head again and closed your eyes, and I only sat with you for a little while longer before slipping away to let you rest. I spent the evening calling all the others because unlike Heechul, I understood what you meant; I knew it wouldn’t be that much longer.
It was early this morning that we got the call, they said we could come by one last time to say goodbye before you were taken away. That’s why I sit here now, my hand in yours, because this is the only thing I know how to do. I can’t cry, that’d almost seem selfish. You’re not suffering anymore; it’d be selfish to be sad that you’ve been released from the confines of the body that wore out long before your soul did. All I can do now is sit here with my hand in yours… just wishing…
Hold my hand one more time…
Please…
A/N: I am SO sorry. This is so sad, and I cried several times writing it. This was inspired by gifs provided by yeongwonnie on the previous post when I asked for pictures to use for inspiration to write short stories. I'm sorry it turned out so sad, honey!
Pairing: Hangeng/Siwon
Rating: PG? There's death involved, but nothing graphic.
Length: 2338 words.
Summary: Hangeng thinks back over all the times Siwon has held his hand, from the very first to the very last.
I still remember the first time you held my hand. Of course there had been plenty of hugs and squeezes before, that’s just how you are, but I still remember the first time you held my hand. I still remember just like it was yesterday… maybe in the grand scheme of things it was. Time can pass in the blink of an eye… how many times have I blinked since then?
The first time you held my hand was when I had to perform with a mask, since I wasn’t technically allowed to be on television then, I really wasn’t supposed to be performing at all. You know how the label was though, rules and regulations never meant much, I suppose though thought slapping a mask over my face was good enough. Each time I had to pull that mask on though I felt worse and worse, why was I even needed anymore if I had to lie about who I was? Of course I wanted to be famous, but at what price? I worried so often that if I was found out, it wouldn’t just ruin my career but everyone else’s as well, and I certainly didn’t want that. I had reached the point of contemplating discussing my feelings with the management and leaving the group and heading back to China just to sit and wait in the shadows until everything was proper, because I didn’t want to drag everyone else down with me… but then there you were, slipping up beside me as we walked down the hall towards the stage. You slipped your hand into mine and gave it a squeeze. I couldn’t see much behind the mask when I turned my head to look up at you, but I still remember seeing your smile. Perhaps it was the light in your eyes combined with the jolt I got from your touch, but whatever it was permanently etched that moment in the back of my head… or perhaps its etched in my heart instead.
You held my hand many times after that… would you believe me if I told you I remember each one? Some of the memories are vague, some crystal clear, but I still remember.
You know as well as I do my Korean was never the best. I tried, you know I did, but the more people that spoke, the less I understood. You know as well as I do in a group of fifteen people, one on one conversations were a rarity. It was even worse on stage, when someone was trying to mumble vague directions into a microphone that wasn’t wired quite right. You were always there though to slip your hand into mine to tug me off in whatever direction I needed to be in, saving me from looking like a fool time and time again. I’m sure the fans liked it too… I think they always thought of us as the romantic couple, but that’s just my opinion.
You were always such a cuddly person, you held my hand in happy times just as much as you did in sad times, but I think it’s the sad times I remember most. There always seemed to be some sort of strength in your touch, something in that little squeeze of your hand over mine that gave me the courage to continue on.
I still remember you holding my hand the day I told you I was leaving and not coming back. You probably would have held my other one as well, but it was holding my luggage as I stood in the door way. Your touch felt different then, but I still remember it. I could feel the way you hesitated, I could feel the way you wanted to pull me back inside, but you held yourself back because you were always too much of a gentleman to force your opinions on others. I still remember how it felt to have your hand squeeze mine again as you tried to be supportive and positive and wish me luck in everything that I did, even though I knew you were sad, I could see it in your eyes. You might have been good at forcing a smile on your lips… but your eyes never lied.
There was a part of me that thought that touch would be the last, but that just wasn’t meant to be. We were a family, weren’t we? Bonded through thick and thin, no matter how far distance might stretch the bonds.
I remember you held my hand again as we walked in the funeral procession, though this time your grip wasn’t as strong and encouraging. I think you needed me to hold you up just as much as I needed you. Kangin’s death had come as a shock to everyone, didn’t it? I suppose if it were to happen, you’d think it’d be more logical for him to die while he was in the army, there’d been a few close calls when things had become tense between North and South Korea, though thankfully nothing had happened. But just two short weeks after his release from the army he collapsed and was gone just like that. They said he’d had a hemorrhage in his brain, though the doctors never figured out why. I still remember when Jungsu called me that night, but I don’t really remember much after that. I remember booking my flight back to Korea… but after that it gets a little fuzzy. Things happened in a blur. I had expected to be kept on the outside of the circle after what I had done, but you all welcomed me back into the circle like I had only gone off for a short vacation. To see that you hand still fit in mine the same way it always had made me feel as though I’d only been gone a moment.
But now, with my hand in yours, that feeling is gone, and you have no idea how much I want to get it back. Then again… maybe you do. I’m sure if you had your choice, you wouldn’t want to be where you are either, but you were always such a brave man. You and your faith… you always said the Lord would never give you more than you could handle so you would face your responsibilities without fear, but what about me? I’m pretty sure I can’t handle this, I’m pretty sure I’m scared to death, but I hold your hand and put on a brave smile, because that’s all I know how to do.
You of all people… you were so healthy. They didn’t call you a horse for nothing. But when you kept complaining about pain in your back, Jungsu being the umma that he is forced you to see a doctor for x-rays… and then those x-rays were sent on to a specialist, and you were sent off for more tests. They didn’t want to say much at first, just that something didn’t look quite right and they’d have to look a bit further. We thought maybe you’d over exerted yourself and pulled something in your back, but it doesn’t take a blood test to check for a pulled muscle, and I lost track of just how many vials they took out of you. I held your hand then too, but your hand was still warm then. I still remember the way your fingers trembled, even though you put on a brave face for the nurse and told her this sort of thing didn’t bother you.
I remember holding your hand when you got that phone call, too. You didn’t ask me too, but the look in your eyes told me you needed it. That was when they told you there was nothing wrong with your back, but there were two spots in your left lung that shouldn’t be, though I suppose spots isn’t the right word. A spot is something insignificant, but these were two… things… they estimated to be the size of golf balls. More tests were run after that, even more blood work, more body scans, even a biopsy, but you still looked so healthy then. When the diagnosis came back confirming what everyone feared, none of us knew what to say. You were far too young to have lung cancer; you’d never smoked a day in your life. But still you tried to be brave, more for us I think than for yourself. You said everything happened for a reason. You said if it was meant to happen it was meant to happen, and that you weren’t going to worry yourself sick over it… but that was okay, I think we all worried enough for you.
At first the doctors were confident you’d make it through, you were young, healthy. They were confident that with their treatment, you’d bounce right back and have nothing to worry about… but that was only a month ago, and now here we are. Here I am wishing you’d squeeze my hand and give me strength once again.
It was during a scan just a week after your first diagnosis that they found the lumps had tripled in size and were already beginning to grow into the lining of your heart. The doctors were still confident it was treatable… it was just a little more tricky. A week after that it had spread into your kidneys and other organs, and you began to rapidly grow weaker. Still the doctors promised… but we already knew time was running out. Still you smiled though, confident that you were in good hands, though you never really specified which hands you were referring to when you’d say that. A week after that and they confirmed it had spread to your brain as well. It was spreading so fast each day there was something else you couldn’t do, something else you forgot, but still you’d stay strong. The doctors still thought they could help… they’d just have to use stronger doses and work faster… but then when you refused the chemo and radiation you left them all baffled. Your faith was still strong though, that was something I had always envied about you. While I can’t say that I don’t have faith at all, I know I’m rather wishy-washy. But you… you were still a pillar of strength, even when all of your physical strength had left your body. You were still so confident in your faith, you had decided that you would go when God decided to call, not a moment before, not a moment after, and if he didn’t decide to call then some how you would make it through.
You forgot a lot more after that, though. You even forgot where you were or why you were there, but I suppose that was for the best. You still remembered us though; you still knew all of our names and our hobbies, what we liked to talk about and what we didn’t. And I still remember, even as you started slipping away, you’d still smile to me when I came in to visit, you’d still hold your hand out to me and curl your fingers around mine just like you always had, and you’d hold my hand just like that until you fell asleep and I decided it was time to slip away for a little while.
When I came yesterday Jungsu and Heechul were in the parking lot, I guess they’d just finished visiting. I stopped to talk for a little while, and it was with a bitter laugh and tears in his eyes that Heechul told me you really were losing your mind. He said you’d talked to them for a little while and that you had told them you were going to be leaving. He laughed again, though it was choked and pained. I think forcing himself to laugh was simply his way of coping, but he had laughed and wanted to know how you could possibly think you’d just up and recover and walk out of there when everyone else knew you were going to die. He said having that kind of faith was such a stupid thing, a waste of time… but that’s just Heechul for you, he’s just upset, don’t mind him much, you and I both know he cares for you a lot.
I remember when I went in and sat down to visit with you, I had to shake you a little to wake you up as you were back to sleeping again, but this time you opened your eyes wide and looked right at me, and I swear they’ve never been more beautiful. They were clear, they sparkled. They weren’t clouded with pain anymore, they weren’t darkened from exhaustion. You opened your eyes and looked right at me and spoke.
“Gege… I’ll be going soon.”
I forced a smile and nodded my head as I told you that it was okay, you could go whenever you were ready. You smiled at me… such a sweet, happy smile. You nodded your head again and closed your eyes, and I only sat with you for a little while longer before slipping away to let you rest. I spent the evening calling all the others because unlike Heechul, I understood what you meant; I knew it wouldn’t be that much longer.
It was early this morning that we got the call, they said we could come by one last time to say goodbye before you were taken away. That’s why I sit here now, my hand in yours, because this is the only thing I know how to do. I can’t cry, that’d almost seem selfish. You’re not suffering anymore; it’d be selfish to be sad that you’ve been released from the confines of the body that wore out long before your soul did. All I can do now is sit here with my hand in yours… just wishing…
Hold my hand one more time…
Please…
A/N: I am SO sorry. This is so sad, and I cried several times writing it. This was inspired by gifs provided by yeongwonnie on the previous post when I asked for pictures to use for inspiration to write short stories. I'm sorry it turned out so sad, honey!