(no subject)
This week at uni was, like the previous week, variant from the weeks that had come before. Apparently, there was no actual lecture scheduled for this week, which I found rather odd. So we ended up having a somewhat lengthier tutorial in which one of the lecturers attempted to gather relevant information about all of the groups doing the second assignment. They also attempted to gather the paperwork, that is the script, shotlist, and schedule, for each group. Of the group that I have been assigned to, the only other person who was actually present for today's tutorial was the one who seems to have assumed the role of leader. She is a small, skinny young redhead who at least seems to know what she is doing in terms of coordinating the group. I am not sure what roles she plans to delegate to the rest of the group, although the tutor and I have told her that I do my best work on the technical side of things, behind the camera. That much is true, although I do wonder what would happen if I was also asked to work on the sound mix for the video. My problems with aural sensitivity will certainly play a part in how I work in that part of the assignment.
The assignment in question is a documentary-style video somewhere between three and five minutes in length. It has to include three specific types of shot, and for the life of me I forget which specific types these are. I know that one is the Piece To Camera, which is my favourite kind of shot at the moment anyway. I could sit in front of a camera set at a low angle and speak into it at length for hours. Or at least until I get bored and find something better to do. Like the previous assignment, each group has to first submit the aforementioned paperwork for assessment before making the necessary arrangements for principal photography. One thing I asked my teammate at today's gathering is whether anyone else in the group had their own transport (ie. a car). Apparently, someone does, so maybe if the rest of us chip in for the cost of fuel we can get some transport to whatever shooting locations are required. So far, the aforementioned teammate seems to be taking on the leadership role and setting the roles that the rest of the group will play. Which suits me just fine. I work better when I am being told what to do, rather than merely told to think up something.
One good thing about the assignment from a certain point of view is that it gives me a reason to speak to others in the class, which I actually managed to do at one point today. Sort of. I asked the aforementioned teammate a few questions about what we were doing, and reported that I can be available to shoot footage at any time as long as I get a little bit of advance notice. That is where the factor of transport comes into play. Being able to get the whole crew plus whomever is going to be in front of the camera into the specified location promptly is a very important factor. During the lecture, our lecturer also told us that we had to let them know the dates we intended to shoot footage on so that the groups who want to borrow cameras from the campus library can do so without any overlaps or schedule conflicts. At least in theory. What happens in practice is going to be quite an interesting story in and of itself. The script that I looked at during the lecture/tutorial/whatever looked simple enough to shoot. The editing and sound mixing stage might be a different story, but we can cross those hurdles when we get to them.
I still wonder exactly what I am going to do when this subject is over and done with. Do I continue with the course and try to finish the degree, or do I cut my losses and get out while I still have my head above water? In spite of my small efforts at involvement with a film crew for this assignment, I still feel exceptionally isolated in the university environment. And the feeling is only growing worse with each week. I think part of the problem is that I have nothing in common with anyone in the class. I think the next youngest person in the class would be about ten years younger than me, in fact. Fifteen years ago, I would have said that this did not make a difference, and to me at that time, it did not make any real difference. But now I have grown old before I feel I was meant to, and it makes quite a lot of difference from my end. I really have no sense of unity or even identity when I am at the university. Readers of the novel Stranger In A Strange Land will understand the concept I am trying to describe. Even the officials, the people who are supposed to make the decisions, do not seem to know exactly where I fit in.
I really need to go back to the approach I had when I first arrived here with regards to money, too. The level of stress I feel about money lately, as opposed to when I first moved into this location, is terrible. When I first moved into the location I am at now, I seemed to take a bit of a delight in seeing how little money I could spend in a two-week period. It reminds me of a quote from a Robert Rodriguez commentary for Desperado. In it, he states that filmmakers can use what he describes as the "money hose" to wash away one's creative problems. The problem with doing that, he says, is that once you turn the hose on, you cannot turn it back off again. In day to day living, I would like to think that it is a little different. In day to day living, I like to think that one can sit and make a conscious effort to not spend money on things like recorded discs or peripheral attachments. I have been really losing control over my spending impulses in recent weeks. It takes effort to sit and consciously tell yourself not to spend that thirty or forty dollars day after day, but I fear that I need to start doing it again.
The problem is that there's so many tempting things out there to expend cash upon. Whether it be software for the computer, hardware for the computer, films on BD, or music, there always seems to be something out there if one looks hard enough. Hell, sometimes one does not even have to look at all. And some of the things I have bought in the last month or two have only made me feel miserable (the X-Men boxed set and the last My DyING BRIDE album come to mind). It is one thing when you spend money and feel better than usual about what you have spent it on. A BD of RoboCop or Repo Man, for example, would leave me in an awesome mood after I have watched either of them for the tenth or twentieth time. But when you habitually spend money on entertainment items like this, the satisfaction factor gradually becomes less easy to obtain. In some cases, such as the aforementioned My DyING BRIDE album, it disappears altogether. Of course, there could have been a time when the so-called responsible adults around me could have taught me to love the people around me more than my possessions. But as many a poet has written before, that time is long since over.
Of course, I just had to visit the shopping mall after the day at uni was over, although this time I limited my visit to the grocery store. But what got me really grumbling this time around is the number of times I found myself either stuck behind some brain dead dawdler or accosted by some piece of shit at a display stand that I do not want to talk to but have to pass by to get where I am going. I still do not understand what the fukk is up with that. Why do shopping malls allow sellers to block up a thoroughfare just enough to make avoiding them physically impossible? Do the sellers honesty think that pestering passers-by so aggressively will do anything other than foster ill will towards the company they represent? I sure hope for the sake of the Human race that they do not. But now, I can just sit in this little house and wait for the next Friday (or whatever day the rest of the assignment group coordinates in the meantime) to roll around. I still have no idea how I can expect to get through the next semester, or even if I really want to. I am even having a hard time figuring out when I should be worried about such decisions. Right now, I feel that no amount of effort could really convince me to return.
So there you have it, the basic synopsis of my past week. In closing, I will offer the following words of wisdom: No amount of pretending can make confusion fun.
The assignment in question is a documentary-style video somewhere between three and five minutes in length. It has to include three specific types of shot, and for the life of me I forget which specific types these are. I know that one is the Piece To Camera, which is my favourite kind of shot at the moment anyway. I could sit in front of a camera set at a low angle and speak into it at length for hours. Or at least until I get bored and find something better to do. Like the previous assignment, each group has to first submit the aforementioned paperwork for assessment before making the necessary arrangements for principal photography. One thing I asked my teammate at today's gathering is whether anyone else in the group had their own transport (ie. a car). Apparently, someone does, so maybe if the rest of us chip in for the cost of fuel we can get some transport to whatever shooting locations are required. So far, the aforementioned teammate seems to be taking on the leadership role and setting the roles that the rest of the group will play. Which suits me just fine. I work better when I am being told what to do, rather than merely told to think up something.
One good thing about the assignment from a certain point of view is that it gives me a reason to speak to others in the class, which I actually managed to do at one point today. Sort of. I asked the aforementioned teammate a few questions about what we were doing, and reported that I can be available to shoot footage at any time as long as I get a little bit of advance notice. That is where the factor of transport comes into play. Being able to get the whole crew plus whomever is going to be in front of the camera into the specified location promptly is a very important factor. During the lecture, our lecturer also told us that we had to let them know the dates we intended to shoot footage on so that the groups who want to borrow cameras from the campus library can do so without any overlaps or schedule conflicts. At least in theory. What happens in practice is going to be quite an interesting story in and of itself. The script that I looked at during the lecture/tutorial/whatever looked simple enough to shoot. The editing and sound mixing stage might be a different story, but we can cross those hurdles when we get to them.
I still wonder exactly what I am going to do when this subject is over and done with. Do I continue with the course and try to finish the degree, or do I cut my losses and get out while I still have my head above water? In spite of my small efforts at involvement with a film crew for this assignment, I still feel exceptionally isolated in the university environment. And the feeling is only growing worse with each week. I think part of the problem is that I have nothing in common with anyone in the class. I think the next youngest person in the class would be about ten years younger than me, in fact. Fifteen years ago, I would have said that this did not make a difference, and to me at that time, it did not make any real difference. But now I have grown old before I feel I was meant to, and it makes quite a lot of difference from my end. I really have no sense of unity or even identity when I am at the university. Readers of the novel Stranger In A Strange Land will understand the concept I am trying to describe. Even the officials, the people who are supposed to make the decisions, do not seem to know exactly where I fit in.
I really need to go back to the approach I had when I first arrived here with regards to money, too. The level of stress I feel about money lately, as opposed to when I first moved into this location, is terrible. When I first moved into the location I am at now, I seemed to take a bit of a delight in seeing how little money I could spend in a two-week period. It reminds me of a quote from a Robert Rodriguez commentary for Desperado. In it, he states that filmmakers can use what he describes as the "money hose" to wash away one's creative problems. The problem with doing that, he says, is that once you turn the hose on, you cannot turn it back off again. In day to day living, I would like to think that it is a little different. In day to day living, I like to think that one can sit and make a conscious effort to not spend money on things like recorded discs or peripheral attachments. I have been really losing control over my spending impulses in recent weeks. It takes effort to sit and consciously tell yourself not to spend that thirty or forty dollars day after day, but I fear that I need to start doing it again.
The problem is that there's so many tempting things out there to expend cash upon. Whether it be software for the computer, hardware for the computer, films on BD, or music, there always seems to be something out there if one looks hard enough. Hell, sometimes one does not even have to look at all. And some of the things I have bought in the last month or two have only made me feel miserable (the X-Men boxed set and the last My DyING BRIDE album come to mind). It is one thing when you spend money and feel better than usual about what you have spent it on. A BD of RoboCop or Repo Man, for example, would leave me in an awesome mood after I have watched either of them for the tenth or twentieth time. But when you habitually spend money on entertainment items like this, the satisfaction factor gradually becomes less easy to obtain. In some cases, such as the aforementioned My DyING BRIDE album, it disappears altogether. Of course, there could have been a time when the so-called responsible adults around me could have taught me to love the people around me more than my possessions. But as many a poet has written before, that time is long since over.
Of course, I just had to visit the shopping mall after the day at uni was over, although this time I limited my visit to the grocery store. But what got me really grumbling this time around is the number of times I found myself either stuck behind some brain dead dawdler or accosted by some piece of shit at a display stand that I do not want to talk to but have to pass by to get where I am going. I still do not understand what the fukk is up with that. Why do shopping malls allow sellers to block up a thoroughfare just enough to make avoiding them physically impossible? Do the sellers honesty think that pestering passers-by so aggressively will do anything other than foster ill will towards the company they represent? I sure hope for the sake of the Human race that they do not. But now, I can just sit in this little house and wait for the next Friday (or whatever day the rest of the assignment group coordinates in the meantime) to roll around. I still have no idea how I can expect to get through the next semester, or even if I really want to. I am even having a hard time figuring out when I should be worried about such decisions. Right now, I feel that no amount of effort could really convince me to return.
So there you have it, the basic synopsis of my past week. In closing, I will offer the following words of wisdom: No amount of pretending can make confusion fun.