myspace isn't giving me space
I'm deleting my myspace page. Erica & I decided to do it together so I thought I would post all of my blog posts from myspace so they don't get erased in cyberspace. :o]
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
happiness
is hard to find within yourself.
I wish I could make myself happy. Should I have to rely on other people? I seem to always disappoint myself. Perhaps I'm too hard on myself and expect only the best when I know I can never achieve it.
It's fall now, my favorite... I can't put in to words my love for trees, in all seasons. I love them so much, walking through campus or driving through a wooded area. Parks! Formar!! Ahhh I just love them. (Happiness)
I hate losing friendships, I'm so reluctant. I can't let go, even if I want to. I always end up making up with the person but I don't think it will happen this time. It will be another situation like senior year. I still think about her even, but I don't miss her anymore, finally after 3 years. So maybe time will heal this wound.
I also hate girls who think they know everything about you. Calling me 'sorority girl' or 'stoner'... she doesn't even know me. If she did she would know I'm not a typical sorority girl, I'm not even a stoner, I'm just weird and say random things!
I wish my HS friends lived closer to me. :o[
I miss Bethany, Erica, Colin, Casey, Kyle, Zach, Molly, Matt
I have Whitney & Lauren :o]
We could probably fix this if we clean it up all day.
-C.C.
Who has the time for that?
I'll just trail off now................................
Friday, August 29, 2008
when planes are about to crash
Every time I hear a jet and it seems like it is getting closer and closer to the ground I wonder when will be the time when it actually does a crash landing.
Insomnia is interesting. I am exhausted, I haven't gotten my usual amount of sleep but now I find myself wide awake. I've found some new music while wandering the World Wide Web. I get to be up and ready in 7 hours. I can't wait to go home this weekend and get 10 to 12 hours of sleep in a row. Summer was such a treat.
This is the first time I have been completely satisfied with my sorority. I truely have sisterly bonds with these women and I see all the great qualities they inspire. This week has been so positive and that is amazing.
I haven't had to explain my tattoo in a long time and today I did and I teared up when I said it symbolized the line, "more precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world" I've made so many deals giving up my whole life just for one day back in time. I still can't wrap my brain around the fact that I can't ever see him physically in front of me. I do not understand. I want to so badly. You always want what you can't have. I always get this feeling where I need a hug from someone, but not just anyone, a certain someone. I can never put my finger on who I need a hug from but I guess I know it's always from him. I feel like I need him in my life, I need his advise, I need his voice, I need his thoughts.
It's hard to be inspired to be as amazing as him when he's not around to incourage you. Ever since the fateful day I hit rock bottom I've been climbing up and up and up and I wonder if I will ever reach that blissful time I once had. A million amazing things can happen to me but they will never make up for what I've lost. This is supposed to get easier but I think it just gets worse and worse and harder to put on a face and continue on with my life.
Every time I lose anything it goes back to this feeling of loss. Losing a ring or a friendship. Maybe that is why having things mean so much to me. Why I'm still friends will all of my oldest friends. I'm a collector of relationships. I'm always ready to put water under a bridge and make a mend. I never forget people, I remember them and wonder who and where they are today.
I really wonder how I will ever handle any other deaths in my family.
I want him to lift me up so I can touch the celing and think it's the best thing in the world.
Friday, August 01, 2008
sun and shambles
I spent all my time this week bathing in the sun, coasting down a river, reading in the woods. All the ideal time one would need to think about their life, if that's what they needed to do. I'm just too scared to really think everything through. I'm afraid of what will come out of my thoughts. I'm frightened to know.
Most people drink or smoke to put their worries at the back of their mind. For me it's the opposite. Everything is so clear and I know what I want / need to do. But as I sober up the thoughts release and I am back where I started.
Instead of figuring out who I am, or who I love I spent all my time deciding who I hate and what I hate. I hate a lot. Some people I hate to such an extent it makes me wonder if I could ever love someone that much.
Could I ever love myself that much?
I will end with two quotes.
1. "The life you save may be your own." -Chuck Palahniuk
Maybe I need to save my own life.
2. "Thinking about you puts polution in my head." -The Hippos
I'm trying hard to stop, you're the habit I can't kick.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
This one is for you
Elodie worked on her feet 8 hours a day, getting paid in coffee stains and rude customers. It was barely worth the labor but she was determined to save up every last penny.The cafe she wasted away at was near an airport. All day long she would day dream about being a passanger on one of the many planes she watched. They would take off and disappear into the distance. Oh, how she wished that could be her. She wanted to be doing exciting things, going exciting places. Every time she caught herself doing this she would think, "one day I'll save up enough to get up and go". So she worked extra hard, more tiring hours while dreaming up the ideas of where she would go.
One day she was on her break from the most exhausting shift she had ever worked and she realized she had saved up enough money to get out. She promptly went up to her manager, threw in her apron, and walked out the door. She practically ran home and packed her suitcase full of only her necesities, everything else would now be her landlords problem. She hailed a taxi for the airport and on the way there she still didn't know where she'd end up. It delighted her to know she could end up anywhere.
Elodie picked her destination and was excited as can be, she was finally going to live her dream and be gone. She got a window seat and as the plane started to take off she had a jolting thought. She wished she was back in her bed in her crummy apartment. She wasn't sure if she was ready for this adventure. She wondered what was so wrong with her life that she had to leave. It was too late as she looked out the window and now watched the city disappear. She couldn't go back, she didn't have the money.
Elodie had gone too far with her dream expecting it not to be realized. The whole adventure was built up so much and it didn't meet its expectations. Now she had to start all over again.........
Life is so short it's better not to change your mind.
And when you say you're not going to fuck someone over, you probably shouldn't. Espically if you want that person as a friend because it's hard to want to be so close to a liar.
This would have been so good.
Friday, June 13, 2008
filling my pockets full of stars
I got what I wanted.
I've never been one to keep on the same path. I thrive .. even if it's unwanted. I like not knowing my future, it's scary but it's nice. I've been dropped into a new environment and now I get to be adventurous and find my way through, on my own.
I haven't been this happy for a long time. Happy on the inside and happy on the outside. I love my friends (most of them) they are amazing people and I wouldn't trade them for anything. (Except maybe the same versions of them with the added bonus of not being flakey.) :o]
I'm hoping for a plateau instead of this mountains and valleys bull shit.
Of course I get sad and lonely and regretful but it just makes my happy high more intense.
"when all the hard times out weigh the good
and all your words are misunderstood
when the day seems lost from the start
you must follow your heart"
I'm a living, breathing being and I can continue to grow as long as I have the sun to guide me and my friends to share my company. I get car sick because I'd rather slow down and enjoy the scenery. I hate everything because I know what I love. I get scared easily because I don't want to lose anything. I base my life around living for my dad because he built this great life for me and I'm going to do everything I can to make it worthwhile and to be happy.
:o]
please make the deja vu go away.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Change is...
Change is hard, espically when changing seasons with all of the cold fronts, warm fronts, mixing fronts, putting up a front. My head really can't handle it. All this pressure.
"Change is hard. You fight to hold on. You fight to let go." - The Wonder Years
Ever since Hi School ended time has flown right by. I feel like I have nothing to show for it, I'm in the process of having something to show but right now it seems empty. It turns out going through the same routined, tedious day 5 times a week for 9 months really slowed down time.
Sliding Doors keeps running through my mind.
Putting itunes on shuffle is the only way I can have an uncontrolled relaxed moment. I'm so stressed all the time, it makes me sleep away most of the day. 1/3 of my life just gone.
"Life isn't hard, it just moves too fast."
-Sean "Skippy" Paro
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
happiness
is hard to find within yourself.
I wish I could make myself happy. Should I have to rely on other people? I seem to always disappoint myself. Perhaps I'm too hard on myself and expect only the best when I know I can never achieve it.
It's fall now, my favorite... I can't put in to words my love for trees, in all seasons. I love them so much, walking through campus or driving through a wooded area. Parks! Formar!! Ahhh I just love them. (Happiness)
I hate losing friendships, I'm so reluctant. I can't let go, even if I want to. I always end up making up with the person but I don't think it will happen this time. It will be another situation like senior year. I still think about her even, but I don't miss her anymore, finally after 3 years. So maybe time will heal this wound.
I also hate girls who think they know everything about you. Calling me 'sorority girl' or 'stoner'... she doesn't even know me. If she did she would know I'm not a typical sorority girl, I'm not even a stoner, I'm just weird and say random things!
I wish my HS friends lived closer to me. :o[
I miss Bethany, Erica, Colin, Casey, Kyle, Zach, Molly, Matt
I have Whitney & Lauren :o]
We could probably fix this if we clean it up all day.
-C.C.
Who has the time for that?
I'll just trail off now................................
Friday, August 29, 2008
when planes are about to crash
Every time I hear a jet and it seems like it is getting closer and closer to the ground I wonder when will be the time when it actually does a crash landing.
Insomnia is interesting. I am exhausted, I haven't gotten my usual amount of sleep but now I find myself wide awake. I've found some new music while wandering the World Wide Web. I get to be up and ready in 7 hours. I can't wait to go home this weekend and get 10 to 12 hours of sleep in a row. Summer was such a treat.
This is the first time I have been completely satisfied with my sorority. I truely have sisterly bonds with these women and I see all the great qualities they inspire. This week has been so positive and that is amazing.
I haven't had to explain my tattoo in a long time and today I did and I teared up when I said it symbolized the line, "more precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world" I've made so many deals giving up my whole life just for one day back in time. I still can't wrap my brain around the fact that I can't ever see him physically in front of me. I do not understand. I want to so badly. You always want what you can't have. I always get this feeling where I need a hug from someone, but not just anyone, a certain someone. I can never put my finger on who I need a hug from but I guess I know it's always from him. I feel like I need him in my life, I need his advise, I need his voice, I need his thoughts.
It's hard to be inspired to be as amazing as him when he's not around to incourage you. Ever since the fateful day I hit rock bottom I've been climbing up and up and up and I wonder if I will ever reach that blissful time I once had. A million amazing things can happen to me but they will never make up for what I've lost. This is supposed to get easier but I think it just gets worse and worse and harder to put on a face and continue on with my life.
Every time I lose anything it goes back to this feeling of loss. Losing a ring or a friendship. Maybe that is why having things mean so much to me. Why I'm still friends will all of my oldest friends. I'm a collector of relationships. I'm always ready to put water under a bridge and make a mend. I never forget people, I remember them and wonder who and where they are today.
I really wonder how I will ever handle any other deaths in my family.
I want him to lift me up so I can touch the celing and think it's the best thing in the world.
Friday, August 01, 2008
sun and shambles
I spent all my time this week bathing in the sun, coasting down a river, reading in the woods. All the ideal time one would need to think about their life, if that's what they needed to do. I'm just too scared to really think everything through. I'm afraid of what will come out of my thoughts. I'm frightened to know.
Most people drink or smoke to put their worries at the back of their mind. For me it's the opposite. Everything is so clear and I know what I want / need to do. But as I sober up the thoughts release and I am back where I started.
Instead of figuring out who I am, or who I love I spent all my time deciding who I hate and what I hate. I hate a lot. Some people I hate to such an extent it makes me wonder if I could ever love someone that much.
Could I ever love myself that much?
I will end with two quotes.
1. "The life you save may be your own." -Chuck Palahniuk
Maybe I need to save my own life.
2. "Thinking about you puts polution in my head." -The Hippos
I'm trying hard to stop, you're the habit I can't kick.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
This one is for you
Elodie worked on her feet 8 hours a day, getting paid in coffee stains and rude customers. It was barely worth the labor but she was determined to save up every last penny.The cafe she wasted away at was near an airport. All day long she would day dream about being a passanger on one of the many planes she watched. They would take off and disappear into the distance. Oh, how she wished that could be her. She wanted to be doing exciting things, going exciting places. Every time she caught herself doing this she would think, "one day I'll save up enough to get up and go". So she worked extra hard, more tiring hours while dreaming up the ideas of where she would go.
One day she was on her break from the most exhausting shift she had ever worked and she realized she had saved up enough money to get out. She promptly went up to her manager, threw in her apron, and walked out the door. She practically ran home and packed her suitcase full of only her necesities, everything else would now be her landlords problem. She hailed a taxi for the airport and on the way there she still didn't know where she'd end up. It delighted her to know she could end up anywhere.
Elodie picked her destination and was excited as can be, she was finally going to live her dream and be gone. She got a window seat and as the plane started to take off she had a jolting thought. She wished she was back in her bed in her crummy apartment. She wasn't sure if she was ready for this adventure. She wondered what was so wrong with her life that she had to leave. It was too late as she looked out the window and now watched the city disappear. She couldn't go back, she didn't have the money.
Elodie had gone too far with her dream expecting it not to be realized. The whole adventure was built up so much and it didn't meet its expectations. Now she had to start all over again.........
Life is so short it's better not to change your mind.
And when you say you're not going to fuck someone over, you probably shouldn't. Espically if you want that person as a friend because it's hard to want to be so close to a liar.
This would have been so good.
Friday, June 13, 2008
filling my pockets full of stars
I got what I wanted.
I've never been one to keep on the same path. I thrive .. even if it's unwanted. I like not knowing my future, it's scary but it's nice. I've been dropped into a new environment and now I get to be adventurous and find my way through, on my own.
I haven't been this happy for a long time. Happy on the inside and happy on the outside. I love my friends (most of them) they are amazing people and I wouldn't trade them for anything. (Except maybe the same versions of them with the added bonus of not being flakey.) :o]
I'm hoping for a plateau instead of this mountains and valleys bull shit.
Of course I get sad and lonely and regretful but it just makes my happy high more intense.
"when all the hard times out weigh the good
and all your words are misunderstood
when the day seems lost from the start
you must follow your heart"
I'm a living, breathing being and I can continue to grow as long as I have the sun to guide me and my friends to share my company. I get car sick because I'd rather slow down and enjoy the scenery. I hate everything because I know what I love. I get scared easily because I don't want to lose anything. I base my life around living for my dad because he built this great life for me and I'm going to do everything I can to make it worthwhile and to be happy.
:o]
please make the deja vu go away.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Change is...
Change is hard, espically when changing seasons with all of the cold fronts, warm fronts, mixing fronts, putting up a front. My head really can't handle it. All this pressure.
"Change is hard. You fight to hold on. You fight to let go." - The Wonder Years
Ever since Hi School ended time has flown right by. I feel like I have nothing to show for it, I'm in the process of having something to show but right now it seems empty. It turns out going through the same routined, tedious day 5 times a week for 9 months really slowed down time.
Sliding Doors keeps running through my mind.
Putting itunes on shuffle is the only way I can have an uncontrolled relaxed moment. I'm so stressed all the time, it makes me sleep away most of the day. 1/3 of my life just gone.
"Life isn't hard, it just moves too fast."
-Sean "Skippy" Paro