Arg
Cor I think my mother is right and I ate too many KP nuts.
This Christmas has been a time for reflection I feel.
The crew meetup.
I had a lot more fun than I thought I would. I won't lie, I was rather nasty about it before it had taken place. But it's because I was scared. I've learnt some interesting things about fear, from many people/books/websites. But the key thing about fear is, it all comes down to one common denominator.
'I can't handle it.'
I won't be ashamed to admit it. I felt situations might arise that I couldn't handle. This created panic. But, situations I was afraid of did arise, I handled them, or just let them pass by. It was no big deal. Another important thing I've learnt about fear, is that it will never go away. You can only learn to deal with it, not rid yourself of it. So I went, still afraid, but with a sense of confidence. I had a great time.
I apologise to anyone I may have offended with my selfish, childish attitude. The way to respond to resentment is not by returning it. For that I am truly sorry. There is no point turning myself into something I detest because it makes me feel like I have 'one up' on people for a fleeting moment.
I also received some news, which I'm not sure is still relevant, thought maybe that is just what I want to hear. It broke my heart. It really did. Perhaps it will finally end the torment that I put myself through for no means. I doubt it. But once again, I soldier on through it, and pretend not to feel. I hope this is the end.
I'm feeling a form of relief as I'm writing this, bear with me.
Christmas Eve...attempted the Firkin. Failed in 2 hour queue, gatecrashed a hotel, chatted up the bouncers, made videos, revisited the White Horse, ran away, got Jo stuck in a Christmas tree, tried The Snug, did a double Sambuca, ended up in the Lord Haig, snogged Michelle, got the train home early, Bryony fell on us, got in a luggage rack and made songs and movies.
Made. My. Christmas.
Srsly.
Christmas day was the big family bit. Mum went all out this year, dinner was yummier than normal, especially the stuffing. She bought a big plastic purple wig, which I can't take off because I look like a cartoon. We played a game where you step on a giant keyboard, football with tiny japanese fighting robots, and a shooting game. I got a black iPod with 'De La Kirst' written on it, Cubez, a White Stripes book, the new Story of the Year album, a black thong, red and black stripey socks, 'BLACK IS THE NEW PINK' tshirt, lime lip balm, a Green Day iPod case, an Alk3 CD, a hoodie, blue stripey scarf and gloves, a necklace, a popcorn making kit, a tiny purse with naked girls on, Madagascar DVD, Clash book, more socks, Spirited Away DVD, iPod sports wrap, a mug, TOC DVD, and a little Bailey's set thing.
Yes I sound spoilt. But I'm not. I mean wow, look at all that.
Went to Chelle's in the evening to stop her crying. Made her laugh. A job well done. Showed up at 10pm in a Winnie The Pooh dressing gown and the purple wig. I rool. We watched the Christmas Jackass and laughed 'til we peed. Not literally.
So this morning I woke up at hers. She dropped me home, I had some time on my own. Watched Eastenders Christmas special avec le famille. Relatives returned. We ate too much again, played Scene It. Watched home videos. My dad said 'Isn't it funny, how many little details you forget?'. It really meant something to me. Watching me and Rhea, dancing about in plastic shoes, trying to get our nan's attention, pretending to dive into a paddling pool. Our parents must really care, to make that much BORING video of us, haha. But I am serious. To be that interested in minute things, like us pulling a face, or falling over, or asking questions about parrots. Watching them, I can remember detail. I remember our tiny house, and our rabbit and guinea pig, and the seeds that used to fall into the garden, and the little swing which consumed all of the grass, but it didn't matter because we loved that swing. I remember the smell when it rained on the patio slabs, I remember sitting on the little half circle step and listening to our dance mix tape through the portable stereo.
We were all so happy.
In the videos...mum looked so happy. That struck me the most. But we all did. It makes me very sad to think that we might not be so happy anymore. Things change.
Jack was in the wedding video section. He looked so...alive. Thank god nan wasn't in the room.
I have many things to say on a certain subject, but I don't wish to discuss it with everyone.
It's late now. I should sleep.
Somehow it seems like the daytime. I am very awake.
This has been a very eye-opening Christmas. I hope you all had a great one x
This Christmas has been a time for reflection I feel.
The crew meetup.
I had a lot more fun than I thought I would. I won't lie, I was rather nasty about it before it had taken place. But it's because I was scared. I've learnt some interesting things about fear, from many people/books/websites. But the key thing about fear is, it all comes down to one common denominator.
'I can't handle it.'
I won't be ashamed to admit it. I felt situations might arise that I couldn't handle. This created panic. But, situations I was afraid of did arise, I handled them, or just let them pass by. It was no big deal. Another important thing I've learnt about fear, is that it will never go away. You can only learn to deal with it, not rid yourself of it. So I went, still afraid, but with a sense of confidence. I had a great time.
I apologise to anyone I may have offended with my selfish, childish attitude. The way to respond to resentment is not by returning it. For that I am truly sorry. There is no point turning myself into something I detest because it makes me feel like I have 'one up' on people for a fleeting moment.
I also received some news, which I'm not sure is still relevant, thought maybe that is just what I want to hear. It broke my heart. It really did. Perhaps it will finally end the torment that I put myself through for no means. I doubt it. But once again, I soldier on through it, and pretend not to feel. I hope this is the end.
I'm feeling a form of relief as I'm writing this, bear with me.
Christmas Eve...attempted the Firkin. Failed in 2 hour queue, gatecrashed a hotel, chatted up the bouncers, made videos, revisited the White Horse, ran away, got Jo stuck in a Christmas tree, tried The Snug, did a double Sambuca, ended up in the Lord Haig, snogged Michelle, got the train home early, Bryony fell on us, got in a luggage rack and made songs and movies.
Made. My. Christmas.
Srsly.
Christmas day was the big family bit. Mum went all out this year, dinner was yummier than normal, especially the stuffing. She bought a big plastic purple wig, which I can't take off because I look like a cartoon. We played a game where you step on a giant keyboard, football with tiny japanese fighting robots, and a shooting game. I got a black iPod with 'De La Kirst' written on it, Cubez, a White Stripes book, the new Story of the Year album, a black thong, red and black stripey socks, 'BLACK IS THE NEW PINK' tshirt, lime lip balm, a Green Day iPod case, an Alk3 CD, a hoodie, blue stripey scarf and gloves, a necklace, a popcorn making kit, a tiny purse with naked girls on, Madagascar DVD, Clash book, more socks, Spirited Away DVD, iPod sports wrap, a mug, TOC DVD, and a little Bailey's set thing.
Yes I sound spoilt. But I'm not. I mean wow, look at all that.
Went to Chelle's in the evening to stop her crying. Made her laugh. A job well done. Showed up at 10pm in a Winnie The Pooh dressing gown and the purple wig. I rool. We watched the Christmas Jackass and laughed 'til we peed. Not literally.
So this morning I woke up at hers. She dropped me home, I had some time on my own. Watched Eastenders Christmas special avec le famille. Relatives returned. We ate too much again, played Scene It. Watched home videos. My dad said 'Isn't it funny, how many little details you forget?'. It really meant something to me. Watching me and Rhea, dancing about in plastic shoes, trying to get our nan's attention, pretending to dive into a paddling pool. Our parents must really care, to make that much BORING video of us, haha. But I am serious. To be that interested in minute things, like us pulling a face, or falling over, or asking questions about parrots. Watching them, I can remember detail. I remember our tiny house, and our rabbit and guinea pig, and the seeds that used to fall into the garden, and the little swing which consumed all of the grass, but it didn't matter because we loved that swing. I remember the smell when it rained on the patio slabs, I remember sitting on the little half circle step and listening to our dance mix tape through the portable stereo.
We were all so happy.
In the videos...mum looked so happy. That struck me the most. But we all did. It makes me very sad to think that we might not be so happy anymore. Things change.
Jack was in the wedding video section. He looked so...alive. Thank god nan wasn't in the room.
I have many things to say on a certain subject, but I don't wish to discuss it with everyone.
It's late now. I should sleep.
Somehow it seems like the daytime. I am very awake.
This has been a very eye-opening Christmas. I hope you all had a great one x