ii. Too Abstract
i. Abstract
Too Abstract
Junsu wasn't faithful.
He was nineteen, he was good looking and he was likeable. He was no saint.
At times all he wanted to do was to forget Yoochun even existed and go on with his life like any other normal student. He wanted normal people around him, people who could tell him what they were thinking without him having to pull it out of them, without him having to rephrase a question five times for him to get the right answer. He regretted meeting him, regretted falling so hard for him, he regretted it all.
“Do you know what a boyfriend is?”
“Yes. It's the boy a girl likes and when he likes her back he is the boyfriend and she is the girlfriend and when they still like each other after a long time they get married and have children and then they're a family.”
“Who told you that?”
“My therapist.”
“Did he tell you anything about when two boys like each other?”
“No.”
“Well it's the same.”
“But two men can't have children.”
“Except for that, it's the same.”
“Does that mean you are my boyfriend?”
“Yes. And when you have a boyfriend you can't have sex with anyone else, did your therapist tell you that?”
“Monogamy.”
“Exactly. So you won’t have sex with anyone else?'
“I don't like touching.”
“Right. So I guess you won’t.”
“No.”
Of course he wouldn't. Yoochun didn't go to busy places like the mall or even the supermarket down the street from his house because there were too many people and the chance of him getting touched was too big.
“Will you?” Yoochun asked.
“No,” Junsu said. “I only love you.” And that's where he had completely fucked himself.
There were three things that could make Yoochun shut down and retreat completely. One was change. Junsu had dyed his hair a while ago and Yoochun hadn't said a word for five weeks. Junsu wanted to dye it back but Yoochun's therapist told him not to, because Yoochun should get used to it. That was six months ago now and Junsu had re-dyed it every two months even though he was sick of the colour and wanted his black hair back. He didn't want a silent Yoochun for another five weeks.
The second thing that could upset Yoochun was touching. Junsu could hold his hand, he could kiss him and he could touch his dick. They could never hug or lie together.
And the third thing, the thing that Junsu fucked himself in over and over, was that Yoochun couldn't handle lies. Calling the colour blue red could make him stop talking for two days. He never watched the weather channel because if they were wrong Yoochun shut down. No talking, no eating, no nothing. All he did was make math problems in his room. His therapists said he did that to get back to factual sense. Yoochun needed facts. Things that were real. Lies were not real, they denied reality. Lies were unexpected. Yoochun couldn't handle that.
Junsu was a liar. He told Yoochun he was going home when he was going to a club, he told Yoochun he was faithful when he had slept around more than once. He found the warmth that Yoochun could never give him in others. Anal sex was no option with Yoochun; Junsu had to get that from others too. He was a bastard, he knew that.
If Yoochun ever found out, Junsu was absolutely convinced that he would shut him out completely. Not because he had cheated, but because he had lied. Junsu doubted Yoochun would care that Junsu fucked others if he was at least honest about it. Yoochun didn't know jealousy.
“Yoochun.”
“Yes.”
“Do you love me?”
“I don't know.”
“But you like me though.”
When he didn't get an answer he asked, “Well?”
“You didn't ask a question.”
“Do you like me?” Junsu asked.
“Yes,” Yoochun answered.
“Why do you like me?”
“Because you don't do things that I don't like and you don't lie.”
Junsu needed to get out of this. For his own mental health, he needed to forget about this boy who would never understand the world and who would never feel what he felt. His I love yous were never acknowledged, his touches were disliked and he tried, he tried so hard to make Yoochun realize. It just wasn't going to happen, he knew that.
“Hello,” Yoochun said when he came out of the therapist’s office. “Hello, Junsu.”
“Hello, hello Yoochun,” Junsu smiled and tried to shake away the tired feeling he had in his limbs. He hadn't slept that night. “How was it today?”
“It was okay,” Yoochun answered.
“So what do you want to do today?”
“I want to go home.”
Junsu took a step closer and Yoochun visibly froze. “What's wrong?” Junsu asked and Yoochun took a step back.
“You smell different,” Yoochun said. “I don't like it.”
Caught.
“No, I don't,” Junsu said. “I still smell like morning dew and violets.”
“You smell like aftershave and beer.”
Caught.
“Do I?”
“Yes.”
“I'm sorry. I'll go home and shower.”
Yoochun didn't say anything. Instead he just turned around and headed towards the exit of the building. Yoochun didn't speak to anyone for a week and Junsu dyed his hair back to black.
“Are you going to keep ignoring me? It's been over a month, you know? I've missed you. I've been thinking of you all the time. I've tried to stay away from you but I just can't. I love you too much too leave you. I bet you'd just forget me, wouldn't you? You'd just go on with your life, living every day the same, forget I ever existed. I wish I could do that.” Junsu felt like he was talking to a wall. Yoochun sat with his back towards him, hunched over an algebra textbook. Scribbling.
“I wish I could forget you,” he continued. “I wish I could hate you. I wish I could be as cold as you. Not have any feelings.”
Yoochun stopped writing and turned around. His eyes were hard and he didn't blink. “Being autistic doesn't mean that you don't have feelings, it means that you don't know what name to give those feelings. I know what hate is. And I know what being hurt is. I think you hurt me by saying you want to hate me.”
Junsu was struck with silence. It was the first time in a month that he had heard the autistic boy's voice. “I'm sorry.”
Yoochun turned around, back to his numbers.
“Yoochun, I'm sorry.” he repeated and put a hand on his shoulder. Yoochun immediately froze and Junsu quickly retracted his hand.
“I don't like touching,” Yoochun said. “Please go away.”
“I forgot,” Junsu said and he hated himself for sounding so pitiful. “I'm sorry, please forgive me?”
“Please go away.” Yoochun said.
“Yoochun, please-”
“Please go away.”
“What if I never come back if I leave? Do you want that?”
“Please go away.”
Junsu wanted to say something but his throat closed on him and he left Yoochun's room as fast as he could.
“I think you hurt me by saying that you want to hate me.”
“I don't like touching.”
“Please go away.”
“Please go away.”
“Please go away.”