Numb
Yoosu; Oneshot; R; It's like a vicious circle
Numb
There were too many what ifs, buts and maybes. It was like their entire relationship was based on uncertainties.
'I love you. Why can't that be enough for you to trust me?'
Because you're a liar, Junsu had scoffed. There had been too many broken promises. Junsu had been left waiting for too many times and he felt there was only one step left to take.
“I really don't have time right now, Junsu. But I'll call you when I'm done here, okay-”
“This can't wait,” Junsu cut him off. “I'm sick of waiting.”
“I'm sorry, but right now-”
“If you can't meet me right now then don't bother calling me ever, okay Park? I'm sick of this.”
It was quiet for a few seconds and Junsu had to catch his breath. He didn't meant to explode like that but Yoochun was being his stubborn and selfish self again and Junsu couldn't stand it.
“Fine, come over.
Junsu pulled up in front of the apartment complex and waited for a few minutes before going in. He couldn't be a coward now, he had to do what he came here to do. But there was more holding him back. He was afraid of what he'd find once he got up there.
When he finally reached Yoochun's floor, he knocked on the door and a few seconds later it opened.
Yoochun stood there with his smile, like nothing was wrong, like Junsu wasn't staring daggers at him.
“You want to go out to dinner tonight? I can arrange something with friend-”
“No,” Junsu said and closed the door behind him. “You know what I came here for, Yoochun. Where were you last night?”
“Didn't you get my message? Something came up. If I had a choice I would have come to you, you know that right?”
“Not really, no.” Junsu was surprised at how composed he held himself. He looked around the apartment, too nice for a man Yoochun's age, and his eyes stopped at a table at the far end of the room, near a window. On top of it lay something black and when Junsu realised what it was he took a step back. “What...what are you doing with that thing?”
Yoochun's head turned to look at what had startled Junsu so much. He looked at it for a while before saying: “It's not mine.”
“Bullshit.”
“Changmin...he left it here.”
“Bull.shit. You're making this really easy for me, Yoochun. What were you doing before I came over? Making a deal? I'm sure you still have some of your poison here right?”
“You don't know what you're talking about, Junsu. Changmin was here and he was having some troubles, that's all.”
“There's a fucking gun lying on that table. I'm guessing you didn't have enough time to hide it? It was more important that I didn't see the stacks of cocaine and money?”
“Junsu...what do you want from me? You know what I do so why the fuck are you talking like this?” Yoochun raised his voice and Junsu could have punched him in the face, that's how angry he was.
“All I want is a boyfriend who gives a shit!”Junsu snapped. “All you care about is selling and everything other than that is just nice to have, right? No priority?”
“Why don't you just say what you came here to say. Go ahead,” Yoochun hissed. “End it if that's what you really want. Go find yourself a new boyfriend who works from nine to five and can cater to your needs every other second of the day. Seriously, Kim Junsu, who the fuck do you think you are? When have you ever done anything for me that you can come here and say that you're not a priority? I deal drugs, I'm not a fucking moron.”
“I really... I can't believe this. I'm done,” Junsu snorted, but he could have just as well be whimpering. He took off the coat he was wearing, bought with money this man had made. He ripped off the sliver bracelet he had gotten as a present almost a year ago. He threw them on the couch. “Don't call me when you're in jail because I'm not bailing you out.”
Yoochun snorted. “Call me when reality hits you.”
Reality was that Junsu had let go the one person who kept him from getting drowned in shit. Junsu went to school and he worked to pay for his rent, but at the end of the month when he hadn't made enough hours he could always depend on Yoochun to lend him money for rent. He was living above his standards and he knew that, but Yoochun made everything seem so easy with his never ending cash flow.
They used to be classmates in Junsu's first year, but Yoochun dropped out even though his grades were good enough to continue and he seemed to have the money to pay for tuition. They kept in touch and Junsu soon found out what the actual reason was for Yoochun to quit. He used to only be a courier, taking the drugs from one place to another, handing it over, accepting the money. More money than he'd ever make with his degree in journalism, he had scoffed once. Junsu had never even met anyone who did drugs, let alone sold them so this was a completely new world for him. He should have turned his back on this whole matter at that moment. But he didn't. Because Yoochun was good looking, he was cool, funny, kind and great in bed. He was too easy to fall in love with.
'It's like walking around with a fuzzy blanket wrapped around you all the time, and it's never too hot or too cold. Everything is just perfect.'
'You've used before?'
'Once. Never again.'
'But why, if you know how great it feels?'
'I've seen what it does to people. Addicts are barely people anymore, actually. They don't know morals or ethics. They can't live without the fuzzy blanket anymore. When it comes off it's like finding yourself in a snowstorm naked. They'll do anything to get warm. Anything.'
Junsu was enraged for the days, no weeks that came after the break up. There was no sadness, only anger. It wasn't until that anger started fading away and memories of the good times came flooding in that he had a hard time finding a reason to get out of bed every morning. The fact that Yoochun hadn't called yet got to him. He could actually be in jail for all he knew. Or even worse, he could have gotten shot, he could be in the hospital, he could be dead.
He dragged himself from and to school and work in the evenings. He smiled when people expected him to smile, laughed at things he would usually find funny and told his friends Yoochun was part of his past, no big deal. He cried once, when he was in the shower one morning. He had barely slept the night before, Yoochun's words flooding his mind and when he stood under the cold water with nothing but white tiles staring back at him, he broke. He let himself cry once, hard and ugly, before going on with his day.
There were clothes and books and things that belonged to Yoochun everywhere he looked. He didn't know what to do with them. He contemplated bringing them back himself but was too proud to do so. If he wanted his shit, he could come get it himself, he thought.
Time went by too slow. It took Yoochun a month to finally give him call. Junsu didn't pick up. He was scared. Scared that he's say something stupid or that his voice would crack maybe, he wasn't sure, he just knew he was scared. He let it go to voicemail.
'I know you didn't change your number. You could at least pick up the phone. I just want to know how you're doing. Call me.'
Junsu waited an hour and around midnight he called him back.
“Hello.”
“I just got your message. I was in the shower.” He didn't have to lie but decided to do so anyway.
“Well, like I said I just wanted to know how you were doing. You sound good, so.”
“There's...there are still some things of yours here. You can come pick them up whenever.”
“Are you going to bed now?”
Junsu realised Yoochun wanted to come over right then and there and choked up. “No...sure...you can come now.”
He hung up and immediately texted his friend to tell him he couldn't meet him at the bar because something came up. He noticed how he made the same excuse Yoochun had made that last time but brushed it aside. He gathered the clothes, cd's, toothbrush, razor and everything that was too much of a reminder and laid them out on the couch. Yoochun was there within half an hour.
Junsu let him in without saying anything and Yoochun silently walked passed him and into the apartment.
Junsu tried to find any sign of pain or fatigue in the older man but couldn't find anything. Maybe he really didn't care after all.
Yoochun stood in front of the couch and picked up one of his hoodies and put it on over his t-shirt.
“Thanks.”
“I can get you a box if you want,” Junsu said.
“Okay.”
He fled into his bedroom and found a flat mover's box at the back of his closet. He brought it back into the livingroom and found it empty. Yoochun's stuff was all gone except for one mixed cd. He saw a green bill stick out of it and opened it up. Bills came falling out of it and when he counted the money he realised it was exactly the amount of his monthly rent.
Junsu put the money in an envelope the next day and put it in Yoochun's mailbox on his way to school.
He could have really used that money, but there was no way he could accept it. He planned on just picking up a few extra shifts at the restaurant until he finds a more affordable apartment.
On his way back from school he spotted Yoochun's car parked at the other side of the street. It was a nice car. Too nice for someone his age. He stared at it from the school ground's for a while before deciding to act as if he hadn't seen it at all. He crossed the street and as if on cue, a honk came from Yoochun's car.
He looked up and saw Yoochun motioning him from inside the vehicle. Junsu sighed, walked over to it and got into the passenger's seat.
“It's rude to return presents.”
“I don't need it,” Junsu said. “It was nice of you to offer.”
“I didn't offer because I knew you wouldn't take it. I'm giving it to you.”
“No, thanks. I need to get home now, so...”
Yoochun started the car. “I'll drop you off.”
The ride to Junsu's apartment was silent and awkward and when they finally arrived Yoochun took the envelope out of his pocket and held it up. “I'll buy that necklace off of you.”
“This necklace cost six dollars,”Junsu frowned, looking down at the leather strap with a long plastic tooth as a pendant.
“I'd say it's become a hundred times as valuable since it's been hanging around your neck,” he smiled.
Junsu hesitated. He really could use the money and Yoochun knew that.
“Fine,” Junsu finally said and took the necklace off. He hung it around Yoochun's neck and accepted the money. Yoochun smiled and kissed the tooth.
“Call me if you ever need anything.”
A numbness fell over him after that, even more than before. Everything seemed to remind him of their time together. Everything was a sign to call him up. Junsu thought that if only there was someone he could talk to about this everything would be a lot easier, but in the end none of his friends had asked more than two questions about why they broke up. He could only conclude that none of them really cared and Junsu wasn't going to talk to someone who wasn't interested.
He didn't go out any more. He really didn't have time for that. He worked as much as he could and whenever he wasn't working he was doing his homework. And he slept. He slept a lot.
On the second month, he bumped into Changmin when he stopped at a coffee place before school. Changmin was Yoochun's partner in everything. He had gotten himself through college by dealing and finished it in two years. He didn't stop dealing though, and that's all Junsu knew.
He paid for Junsu's coffee and walked to school with him.
“Yoochun left for Brazil a week ago. He should be back tomorrow morning. He's not smuggling anything, so don't worry about it. I'd be with him if he was. He's been talking about you a lot.”
“I don't know what to say. You shouldn't be telling me this. Not about your...business.”
“Yoochun trusts you. I trust him.”
“I don't.”
“He never cheated and he doesn't use. What's not to trust?”
“Excuse me for not trusting a drug dealer, Changmin, maybe I'm just paranoid.”
“Touché. I'll tell him to give you a call.”
They arrived and Changmin walked away before Junsu could say anything.
When Junsu went home that afternoon and dug into his coat pocket for his keys, he found two hundred dollar bills that had not been there before.
Junsu expected a call that next morning but it didn't come until the morning after that.
“Hey, Junsu...”
“Hey.”
“I hear you bumped into Changmin the other day.”
“I was on my way to school.”
“How is that going? School, I mean.”
“Fine. I don't know. Good enough.”
“Don't you have classes today?”
“It's Sunday.”
“Right. Well, we could go for coffee if you're not busy. My treat.”
Junsu hesitated. He really didn't have time. He had two essays to write for that upcoming week and today was his only free day. “I can't go out,”he finally said. “But you can come over if you want.”
There was really nothing he wanted more than to see him at that point. He just wanted to see him, know that he was still alive and well and maybe find out that he wasn't completely forgotten.
“I brought breakfast. Or lunch, whatever you want to call it,” Yoochun said when Junsu let him in.
“That's nice,” Junsu said. “Thanks.”
He had turned on his laptop and left it on the table. Yoochun put down a grocery bag next to it. “Bagels and everything you'd want on them.”
He had a tan, Junsu noticed. It was November. “So how was Brazil?” he asked.
“It was great. You'd love it. You should go whenever you get the chance.”
They sat down on the couch and Yoochun unwrapped the bagels. They were still warm and Junsu could feel his stomach screaming out to him. They ate in silence, until Junsu decided to put on some music. He opened Itunes on his laptop and let it shuffle.
“I don't want you to think that I was fine with you breaking up with me,” Yoochun finally said. “If it had been any other situation...any other life, I would have never let you go.”
Junsu stared at him. It was painful how spot on Yoochun's words were with what he wanted to hear.
“I love you,” he added. “I love you so much... but clearly I can't give you what you want. I'm not the man you want and you deserve better. I just...I can't be away from you for that long.”
“Stop it,” Junsu said.
“If you want me to leave and never come back... if that's really what you want, that's fine. I'll disappear and you can live your life-”
“How can that be what I want, Yoochun? We've been apart for two months and I'm walking around like some kind of widower. I hate everything and everyone. All I want to do is sleep.”
“I'm happy to hear you're as miserable as me,” Yoochun said with a little smile. “But I couldn't help but notice you didn't say you love me.”
“Yoochun...”
“It's fine,” he said and his smile faltered for little under a second. “Like I said, you deserve better anyway. It's been nice seeing you again.” He stood up and put a hand on Junsu's cheek before heading towards the door.
“Wait, where are you going?” Junsu asked and followed him.
“Home, I guess. Don't really have a plan yet.”
“You can hang out here if you want. I'm just going to work on those essays so...”
Yoochun turned around and cocked up an eyebrow. “You don't know what you want, do you?”
There was no denying that after two months of no sex Junsu didn't fight Yoochun for a second when he kissed him early that evening. They kissed with the slight taste of coffee on their lips.
“It's not that I don't love you,” Junsu said softly, his eyes closed and their foreheads pressed together. “I love you... I just can't... I can't be with you and I can't be without you... Like you said, I don't fucking know what I want.”
“You shouldn't have said that,” Yoochun chuckled. “How am I supposed to let you go, knowing you're head over heels for me?”
“You need to leave.”
“Really?”
“No...yes. You should. Maybe.”
Yoochun kissed him again, sweet, bitter, hard to tell. “Let me stay the night and you can decide in the morning?”
Junsu was suckered in again.
Numb
There were too many what ifs, buts and maybes. It was like their entire relationship was based on uncertainties.
'I love you. Why can't that be enough for you to trust me?'
Because you're a liar, Junsu had scoffed. There had been too many broken promises. Junsu had been left waiting for too many times and he felt there was only one step left to take.
“I really don't have time right now, Junsu. But I'll call you when I'm done here, okay-”
“This can't wait,” Junsu cut him off. “I'm sick of waiting.”
“I'm sorry, but right now-”
“If you can't meet me right now then don't bother calling me ever, okay Park? I'm sick of this.”
It was quiet for a few seconds and Junsu had to catch his breath. He didn't meant to explode like that but Yoochun was being his stubborn and selfish self again and Junsu couldn't stand it.
“Fine, come over.
Junsu pulled up in front of the apartment complex and waited for a few minutes before going in. He couldn't be a coward now, he had to do what he came here to do. But there was more holding him back. He was afraid of what he'd find once he got up there.
When he finally reached Yoochun's floor, he knocked on the door and a few seconds later it opened.
Yoochun stood there with his smile, like nothing was wrong, like Junsu wasn't staring daggers at him.
“You want to go out to dinner tonight? I can arrange something with friend-”
“No,” Junsu said and closed the door behind him. “You know what I came here for, Yoochun. Where were you last night?”
“Didn't you get my message? Something came up. If I had a choice I would have come to you, you know that right?”
“Not really, no.” Junsu was surprised at how composed he held himself. He looked around the apartment, too nice for a man Yoochun's age, and his eyes stopped at a table at the far end of the room, near a window. On top of it lay something black and when Junsu realised what it was he took a step back. “What...what are you doing with that thing?”
Yoochun's head turned to look at what had startled Junsu so much. He looked at it for a while before saying: “It's not mine.”
“Bullshit.”
“Changmin...he left it here.”
“Bull.shit. You're making this really easy for me, Yoochun. What were you doing before I came over? Making a deal? I'm sure you still have some of your poison here right?”
“You don't know what you're talking about, Junsu. Changmin was here and he was having some troubles, that's all.”
“There's a fucking gun lying on that table. I'm guessing you didn't have enough time to hide it? It was more important that I didn't see the stacks of cocaine and money?”
“Junsu...what do you want from me? You know what I do so why the fuck are you talking like this?” Yoochun raised his voice and Junsu could have punched him in the face, that's how angry he was.
“All I want is a boyfriend who gives a shit!”Junsu snapped. “All you care about is selling and everything other than that is just nice to have, right? No priority?”
“Why don't you just say what you came here to say. Go ahead,” Yoochun hissed. “End it if that's what you really want. Go find yourself a new boyfriend who works from nine to five and can cater to your needs every other second of the day. Seriously, Kim Junsu, who the fuck do you think you are? When have you ever done anything for me that you can come here and say that you're not a priority? I deal drugs, I'm not a fucking moron.”
“I really... I can't believe this. I'm done,” Junsu snorted, but he could have just as well be whimpering. He took off the coat he was wearing, bought with money this man had made. He ripped off the sliver bracelet he had gotten as a present almost a year ago. He threw them on the couch. “Don't call me when you're in jail because I'm not bailing you out.”
Yoochun snorted. “Call me when reality hits you.”
Reality was that Junsu had let go the one person who kept him from getting drowned in shit. Junsu went to school and he worked to pay for his rent, but at the end of the month when he hadn't made enough hours he could always depend on Yoochun to lend him money for rent. He was living above his standards and he knew that, but Yoochun made everything seem so easy with his never ending cash flow.
They used to be classmates in Junsu's first year, but Yoochun dropped out even though his grades were good enough to continue and he seemed to have the money to pay for tuition. They kept in touch and Junsu soon found out what the actual reason was for Yoochun to quit. He used to only be a courier, taking the drugs from one place to another, handing it over, accepting the money. More money than he'd ever make with his degree in journalism, he had scoffed once. Junsu had never even met anyone who did drugs, let alone sold them so this was a completely new world for him. He should have turned his back on this whole matter at that moment. But he didn't. Because Yoochun was good looking, he was cool, funny, kind and great in bed. He was too easy to fall in love with.
'It's like walking around with a fuzzy blanket wrapped around you all the time, and it's never too hot or too cold. Everything is just perfect.'
'You've used before?'
'Once. Never again.'
'But why, if you know how great it feels?'
'I've seen what it does to people. Addicts are barely people anymore, actually. They don't know morals or ethics. They can't live without the fuzzy blanket anymore. When it comes off it's like finding yourself in a snowstorm naked. They'll do anything to get warm. Anything.'
Junsu was enraged for the days, no weeks that came after the break up. There was no sadness, only anger. It wasn't until that anger started fading away and memories of the good times came flooding in that he had a hard time finding a reason to get out of bed every morning. The fact that Yoochun hadn't called yet got to him. He could actually be in jail for all he knew. Or even worse, he could have gotten shot, he could be in the hospital, he could be dead.
He dragged himself from and to school and work in the evenings. He smiled when people expected him to smile, laughed at things he would usually find funny and told his friends Yoochun was part of his past, no big deal. He cried once, when he was in the shower one morning. He had barely slept the night before, Yoochun's words flooding his mind and when he stood under the cold water with nothing but white tiles staring back at him, he broke. He let himself cry once, hard and ugly, before going on with his day.
There were clothes and books and things that belonged to Yoochun everywhere he looked. He didn't know what to do with them. He contemplated bringing them back himself but was too proud to do so. If he wanted his shit, he could come get it himself, he thought.
Time went by too slow. It took Yoochun a month to finally give him call. Junsu didn't pick up. He was scared. Scared that he's say something stupid or that his voice would crack maybe, he wasn't sure, he just knew he was scared. He let it go to voicemail.
'I know you didn't change your number. You could at least pick up the phone. I just want to know how you're doing. Call me.'
Junsu waited an hour and around midnight he called him back.
“Hello.”
“I just got your message. I was in the shower.” He didn't have to lie but decided to do so anyway.
“Well, like I said I just wanted to know how you were doing. You sound good, so.”
“There's...there are still some things of yours here. You can come pick them up whenever.”
“Are you going to bed now?”
Junsu realised Yoochun wanted to come over right then and there and choked up. “No...sure...you can come now.”
He hung up and immediately texted his friend to tell him he couldn't meet him at the bar because something came up. He noticed how he made the same excuse Yoochun had made that last time but brushed it aside. He gathered the clothes, cd's, toothbrush, razor and everything that was too much of a reminder and laid them out on the couch. Yoochun was there within half an hour.
Junsu let him in without saying anything and Yoochun silently walked passed him and into the apartment.
Junsu tried to find any sign of pain or fatigue in the older man but couldn't find anything. Maybe he really didn't care after all.
Yoochun stood in front of the couch and picked up one of his hoodies and put it on over his t-shirt.
“Thanks.”
“I can get you a box if you want,” Junsu said.
“Okay.”
He fled into his bedroom and found a flat mover's box at the back of his closet. He brought it back into the livingroom and found it empty. Yoochun's stuff was all gone except for one mixed cd. He saw a green bill stick out of it and opened it up. Bills came falling out of it and when he counted the money he realised it was exactly the amount of his monthly rent.
Junsu put the money in an envelope the next day and put it in Yoochun's mailbox on his way to school.
He could have really used that money, but there was no way he could accept it. He planned on just picking up a few extra shifts at the restaurant until he finds a more affordable apartment.
On his way back from school he spotted Yoochun's car parked at the other side of the street. It was a nice car. Too nice for someone his age. He stared at it from the school ground's for a while before deciding to act as if he hadn't seen it at all. He crossed the street and as if on cue, a honk came from Yoochun's car.
He looked up and saw Yoochun motioning him from inside the vehicle. Junsu sighed, walked over to it and got into the passenger's seat.
“It's rude to return presents.”
“I don't need it,” Junsu said. “It was nice of you to offer.”
“I didn't offer because I knew you wouldn't take it. I'm giving it to you.”
“No, thanks. I need to get home now, so...”
Yoochun started the car. “I'll drop you off.”
The ride to Junsu's apartment was silent and awkward and when they finally arrived Yoochun took the envelope out of his pocket and held it up. “I'll buy that necklace off of you.”
“This necklace cost six dollars,”Junsu frowned, looking down at the leather strap with a long plastic tooth as a pendant.
“I'd say it's become a hundred times as valuable since it's been hanging around your neck,” he smiled.
Junsu hesitated. He really could use the money and Yoochun knew that.
“Fine,” Junsu finally said and took the necklace off. He hung it around Yoochun's neck and accepted the money. Yoochun smiled and kissed the tooth.
“Call me if you ever need anything.”
A numbness fell over him after that, even more than before. Everything seemed to remind him of their time together. Everything was a sign to call him up. Junsu thought that if only there was someone he could talk to about this everything would be a lot easier, but in the end none of his friends had asked more than two questions about why they broke up. He could only conclude that none of them really cared and Junsu wasn't going to talk to someone who wasn't interested.
He didn't go out any more. He really didn't have time for that. He worked as much as he could and whenever he wasn't working he was doing his homework. And he slept. He slept a lot.
On the second month, he bumped into Changmin when he stopped at a coffee place before school. Changmin was Yoochun's partner in everything. He had gotten himself through college by dealing and finished it in two years. He didn't stop dealing though, and that's all Junsu knew.
He paid for Junsu's coffee and walked to school with him.
“Yoochun left for Brazil a week ago. He should be back tomorrow morning. He's not smuggling anything, so don't worry about it. I'd be with him if he was. He's been talking about you a lot.”
“I don't know what to say. You shouldn't be telling me this. Not about your...business.”
“Yoochun trusts you. I trust him.”
“I don't.”
“He never cheated and he doesn't use. What's not to trust?”
“Excuse me for not trusting a drug dealer, Changmin, maybe I'm just paranoid.”
“Touché. I'll tell him to give you a call.”
They arrived and Changmin walked away before Junsu could say anything.
When Junsu went home that afternoon and dug into his coat pocket for his keys, he found two hundred dollar bills that had not been there before.
Junsu expected a call that next morning but it didn't come until the morning after that.
“Hey, Junsu...”
“Hey.”
“I hear you bumped into Changmin the other day.”
“I was on my way to school.”
“How is that going? School, I mean.”
“Fine. I don't know. Good enough.”
“Don't you have classes today?”
“It's Sunday.”
“Right. Well, we could go for coffee if you're not busy. My treat.”
Junsu hesitated. He really didn't have time. He had two essays to write for that upcoming week and today was his only free day. “I can't go out,”he finally said. “But you can come over if you want.”
There was really nothing he wanted more than to see him at that point. He just wanted to see him, know that he was still alive and well and maybe find out that he wasn't completely forgotten.
“I brought breakfast. Or lunch, whatever you want to call it,” Yoochun said when Junsu let him in.
“That's nice,” Junsu said. “Thanks.”
He had turned on his laptop and left it on the table. Yoochun put down a grocery bag next to it. “Bagels and everything you'd want on them.”
He had a tan, Junsu noticed. It was November. “So how was Brazil?” he asked.
“It was great. You'd love it. You should go whenever you get the chance.”
They sat down on the couch and Yoochun unwrapped the bagels. They were still warm and Junsu could feel his stomach screaming out to him. They ate in silence, until Junsu decided to put on some music. He opened Itunes on his laptop and let it shuffle.
“I don't want you to think that I was fine with you breaking up with me,” Yoochun finally said. “If it had been any other situation...any other life, I would have never let you go.”
Junsu stared at him. It was painful how spot on Yoochun's words were with what he wanted to hear.
“I love you,” he added. “I love you so much... but clearly I can't give you what you want. I'm not the man you want and you deserve better. I just...I can't be away from you for that long.”
“Stop it,” Junsu said.
“If you want me to leave and never come back... if that's really what you want, that's fine. I'll disappear and you can live your life-”
“How can that be what I want, Yoochun? We've been apart for two months and I'm walking around like some kind of widower. I hate everything and everyone. All I want to do is sleep.”
“I'm happy to hear you're as miserable as me,” Yoochun said with a little smile. “But I couldn't help but notice you didn't say you love me.”
“Yoochun...”
“It's fine,” he said and his smile faltered for little under a second. “Like I said, you deserve better anyway. It's been nice seeing you again.” He stood up and put a hand on Junsu's cheek before heading towards the door.
“Wait, where are you going?” Junsu asked and followed him.
“Home, I guess. Don't really have a plan yet.”
“You can hang out here if you want. I'm just going to work on those essays so...”
Yoochun turned around and cocked up an eyebrow. “You don't know what you want, do you?”
There was no denying that after two months of no sex Junsu didn't fight Yoochun for a second when he kissed him early that evening. They kissed with the slight taste of coffee on their lips.
“It's not that I don't love you,” Junsu said softly, his eyes closed and their foreheads pressed together. “I love you... I just can't... I can't be with you and I can't be without you... Like you said, I don't fucking know what I want.”
“You shouldn't have said that,” Yoochun chuckled. “How am I supposed to let you go, knowing you're head over heels for me?”
“You need to leave.”
“Really?”
“No...yes. You should. Maybe.”
Yoochun kissed him again, sweet, bitter, hard to tell. “Let me stay the night and you can decide in the morning?”
Junsu was suckered in again.