Permanent: Touch and Go [Series Part 4]

Sep 23, 2009 13:35


Now, there was nothing either of the boys could do but wait. Wait and hang thier hopes on something they couldnt see. Adam sent energy to the stars, begging them for Allie back. Kris hung his hat on his faith. More often than not, Adam found Kris with his head bowed muttering things quietly.

Adam had never felt so alone. Even when he was with Kris, he was alone. Every person grieved differently, every person felt differently, every person coped differently.  Adam? Adam felt alot of things. He was scared, lost, hurt, angry, sad and confused all at once. A trinity couldnt work with only two people, it just couldnt. There would always be a missing link. Allie was the piece that made the puzzle fit together. Neither Kris nor Adam could stand to lose her. She was the sassy voice of reason, the spice of life, she was everything. Please, just give her back. Make her better, give her back to me. I need her. No one understands how much I need her. Give her back, dont take her away....Tears prickled behind his eyes. The surgery thier little spitfire was having was no small thing. It was not getting her tonsils out or her teeth fixed. This, they opened up her head and dug around. The thought of someone being able to just chop through that beautiful mane of magenta hair that Allie was so proud of and cut her open to dig around and maybe fix what was wrong...This made Adam seethe. So many emotions, so much love and so many urges to run to her, protect her, save her, they all came boiling to the surface and made him brim over. He felt like a pot of soup just left to boil and stew.

The sound of a tiny whimper pulled Adam from his musings. He turned to see Kris sitting across from him. Silent tears were pouring from his eyes. Adam reached over and took his hand.
"I hate that theres nothing I can do. I hate that all I can do is watch her go and hope that at least she isnt hurting. I dont understand. I hate all of it. I hate touch and go, Adam..." he sobbed, heaving and pushing the last breath out before shakily forming the last part of the sentence. "W-w-why cant I fix it? Why cant we fix it? We always fixed everything. That was our job. That is our job. What do we do Adam? Tell me what to do."
"I dont know Kris. I dont know." was all Adam could think of to say.
"Remember when she used to come into our room and we'd all share stories about different stuff? She'd tell us how she used to sing at the grocery store and Id talk about the bars, and you would talk about cruiseships and theatre and upright?"
"Yea, I remember" he said softly.
"Remember that one night, after country week when they told her that maybe she was in trouble and she came to us in tears?"
"Mhm"
"Do you remember what she said?"
"Vaugely" They had said so much to eachother in thier time together that it all kind of ran together in Adam's vast memory bank.
"We both took one of her hands, and she said that if that was her last time, at least her dream had come true and she had two badass big brothers, and that she was more grateful for the bonus than the dream."
Adam's chest  was tight as he sucked in breath. The room was reeling, his equilibrium was completely thrown off.
"What if that was the last time Adam? How do we say goodbye to someone who doesnt know shes going?" Kris' voice was so small it squeaked.
"Shes not going" Adam said firmly.
"Adam...I miss her and Im scared."
"Me too Kris, me too."
"I dont need another angel, I need an Allie." Kris whispered.
Adam couldnt find words, he'd never had an angel before. He didnt want one now. Not if it was her. It was never supposed to be her.

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