oneshot; asu wa kuru kara
another spinoff from Cingu series. Kisu ((((((:
PG13 for language content.
Another long gulp followed by another round of slaps on the table, the bartender now tending to her orders of beer for the night. She swallowed pints of beer, the burning hot sensation passing her lips and down her throat. Her eyes were wild with ecstasy, her head already lost in the music, nodding along to the fast beat of the music being played in the pub. She gave a lazy smile as a random stranger brushed up to her; I’m not fucking drunk yet, asshole.
She’s become accustomed to the taste of alcohol on her tongue. Two previous weekend nights finds her sitting at this same spot, alone and drinking the night away. A pack of cigarettes never failed to accompany her, sometimes two. Even as smoke curled around her lungs, and she coughs out puffs of cloudy air, she finds it strangely comforting; this inhaling and exhaling a cancer stick. She talks to the bartender, a handsome pale man in his early 20s, whose skin color had withered at the countless times he spends his waking moments at night. They usually talk of random stuff, Kira usually the one striking a conversation once she takes her seat at the stool by the counter and gives her order. His name was Yoochun.
An hour later, her mind is hazy, nothing seemed to make sense and her peripheral vision became unclear. She stumbled as she stood up, giggling to herself. I’m fucking drunk.
“My shift ends in 15 minutes, wait for me, I’ll drive you home” The bartender offered, shaking his head as her chin hit the counter top, limbs flailing by her side as she struggled to get up.
Home? Do I even have one?
“Call Saera! Call Saera! She’ll pick me up. Call Saera!” Kira stuttered, taking out her phone from her pant pocket and throwing it at Yoochun’s chest. The bartender scrambled to pick it up from the floor, scrolling through the contacts name and called a Saera.
After what seemed to be an eternity, Kira was dragged out of the pub door by an angry Saera and Yoohee. She could only make out fragments of their speech, their voices a noise to her ears. She tried to block them out, fisting her ears. She felt herself being sped away on a vehicle, “My car!” she groaned, before passing out on the backseat.
~*~*~
“Shit!” Kira woke up to an excruciating head ache, as if hands were pounding the insides of her head out of frustration. She threw a hand over her forehead, willing it to settle down. Saera was standing by her bed, an angry look donning her features. Yoohee was sitting beside her on her bed, pushing two aspirins into her mouth and letting her drink water from a glass she offered.
“Kira what the hell happened?!” Saera screamed. Mimi and Hana were standing behind her, an unreadable expression across their faces. Hana moved to pull open the curtains, letting sunlight flood into the room, hitting Kira’s bed.
“Close the curtains!” Kira roared, pulling up the comforter all the way to the top of her head to block the rays.
“You were pissed off drunk, you chain smoked and you were alone at some sleazy bar when we picked you up last night, what the hell is your problem?!” Saera gushed, heat creeping to her face. Kira tried to block out the noise, her head pounding even more. Saera got fed up with her attitude and left the room, slamming the door behind her.
Mimi moved closer, sitting beside Yoohee. “Junsu seonbae kept calling you since last night. He left you 46 missed calls; he’s been asking me what happened to you, why you haven’t seen him for weeks”
Ever since the last two weeks since getting back to campus from spring break, Kira had been steadily avoiding Junsu. When she sees him in the halls, she reversed her steps and ran away from him. For three days, Junsu kept on calling her, leaving her messages, asking her friends of her condition. Once they accidentally bumped into each other in the canteen, Kira quickly left the place, ignoring him completely. After that, he didn’t call nor send her messages on her phone, until last night when she went missing again and Yoohee had told him she wasn’t at campus.
Kira got up from her bed, cringing as she felt a wave of nausea hit her. She took a shower and changed into something decent, then left for the cafeteria to nurse her hangover. After queuing up and buying two cups of hard black coffee, she sat down in one of the booths, quietly sipping her drink in silence, groaning every now and then at the pounding in her head. She didn’t notice Junsu slipping into the booth and sat across her.
“Junsu! Shit” she gasped, making to get up from her seat.
“Sit down, Kira” he ordered, his eyes showing a mask. She slowly sat back down, held back down by his tone.
Junsu looked at her, face showing no emotion. “What’s happened to you? What’s happened to us? Did I do anything wrong? Kira, damn it, you’ve been driving me crazy for the past few weeks” he breathed.
“Nothing is going wrong okay, just lay off would you. I’m fucking fine, and you’ve done nothing wrong. Just… get away” Kira fished out a pack of cigarette from her pocket, needing to calm herself. Junsu’s eyes widen at the sight.
“You’re smoking now?! Are you delirious? “He stood up and snatched the stick away from her fingers, stubbing it out. Kira rolled her eyes in annoyance, finding it extremely agitating that people kept bombarding her with questions this morning.
“Would you lay off! I have a fucking hangover and you’re attacking me with all these questions this early”
“So you were drinking last night? I can’t fucking believe you. Everyone was so worried about you, and there you were, pissing yourself off” Junsu almost shouted, his anger mounting high. Other students were looking in their direction, a curious look on their faces.
“Look, I can’t deal with this shit right now okay. God” she took her coffee and stood up, leaving the booth and hurried off before Junsu could catch up with her.
~*~*~
Tuesday morning on a school day finds Kira still in bed, smoking away. She was already on her second packet. The room was filled with smoke, and she couldn’t be bothered to open the windows. Skipping class eventually became a habit. Usually she was the one to leave the room after her friends did; they didn’t know she would only attend classes until noon.
Last three weeks, when she came back home, she found both her parents and elder sister, Shiki, sitting at the sofa. Shiki must have missed her to be coming home like this; she lived alone at an apartment in the city. It should’ve looked nice; a family waiting for her at the living room and welcoming her back for spring break. She waited to be embraced by her parents, but what she got instead was Shiki pulling her in for a tight, bone crushing hug. They sat together at the sofa, Kira eagerly waiting for something to happen. But from the look on her parent’s faces, she sensed something was amiss. The look of love that they usually shared wasn’t there. And so she put on her guard and hoped for the worse. What she got was a hundred times worse than what she expected.
“Kira, your mother and I, we no longer love each other anymore. Not for a long time. We’ve filed for a divorce, and we’re going to court tomorrow.” Her father told her, dropping a bomb in her life. As if she needed this now. They explained that they would be parting ways, and that her father is already married to his secretary, a baby is on the way. Her mother is set to marry an old time friend and the friend has three kids who are still small, they would be living in this house.
What shitted her the most was that both of them did not want to take custody of her as she was 18 and legal, tearing away the cages of her life and giving her freedom, to soar high and far as much as she wants.
Shiki told her to pack her bags and that Kira would be living with her, as when she returns home on breaks, her home would be the apartment in the city her sister is currently residing in. And she did just that, packed all her belongings into boxes, however grudgingly she felt, she realized her parents were selfish beings, and that she no longer mattered to them. It was fine, it all felt fucking fine.
Until Shiki and her left for Shiki’s apartment that night and stepped into it, her tears began to flow and the realization hit her full force. She was an unwanted child, her parents couldn’t care less about her life to be doing this and the only people she had left was her sister, Junsu and her friends. Shiki just stood by watching her sister cry, feeling as helpless as she herself was feeling the same way. Her selfish parents were assholes and she swore to take care of her sister the way her parents didn’t anymore.
Her spring break was filled with going to court and hearing verdicts that she had access to her funds and that her parents were cleared off their status as guardian to her, Shiki now the only guardian to Kira. Some days she met her parents and they settled on agreements of who provides money for Kira as of on a weekly basis. Kira demanded high maintenance as a substitute to having to put up with this kind of shit, turning her heart a cold stone, not wanting to appear weak and helpless.
She refused to be a fragile doll, able to shatter into millions of pieces once it crashes onto the ground, waiting for someone to pick up the smithereens and piece it back together. She didn’t need that.
Kira didn’t realize she was turning into that fragile doll already. During nights when she felt too unbearable of her thoughts, she found solace in a pub she once went with her friends. It was the perfect escapade.
Click. The sound of the door being opened made Kira scramble up from her bed to open the window, letting the smoke escape from the room. It was Yoohee, coming back to their room to fetch her sweater.
“Kira? Why aren’t you in class? And oh my god did you smoke in here?” Yoohee waved her arms around the room, wanting the foul air to travel out.
“Shhh, don’t tell anyone okay. I’ll go to class later, I‘m just really tired” Kira said. She lied down on her bed and closed her eyes, as if ridding off the disaster in her life.
“I don’t know what to do with you anymore. I give up, Kira, I give up. Until you decide to tell us what’s going on, I’m washing my hands off you.” Yoohee left the room after that.
That’s right; give up on me like they did. Everyone should do that now.
~*~*~
She’s at the familiar spot in the pub again. No one saw her sneak out of campus; her friends were busy with their boyfriends. While hers was probably somewhere, she thinks he couldn’t be bothered with her now that her ass of an attitude should have turned his leash off of her. It’s good, maybe.
She’s been denying herself the fact that she misses his kisses, his hugs, his smiles and his laughter. It felt different somehow, not hearing him laughing to her ridiculous pervert jokes, or him cracking jokes and making her roar with laughter till she would roll on the ground and clutch her stomach in pain. It’s almost a month of no Junsu, now she has a numb sensation spreading through her.
The lights of the bar were dim and groups of people came in and out of the place, either too pissed off drunk and falling down on their asses, or too high from being stoned. Kira was halfway through her first beer, tonight she didn’t feel like binge drinking, instead she smokes her cigarette and chatted lightly with two girls sitting next to her, occasionally staring at the dance floor and contemplating to dance; though it would appear she as a sad girl dancing alone on the dance floor and desperate for a fuck.
Some guys tried to cozy up to her, and she flipped them the finger. “Harsh, aren’t we.” Yoochun smirked, filling a glass with martini. He slid it to an older woman sitting a few seats from Kira, then settled to sit in front of Kira, making sure that he didn’t need to tend to any customers at the moment.
“Aren’t you bored of this place?” he asked, taking a swig out of a bottle. He knows he shouldn’t flirt with this one; she was a girlfriend of his friend’s cousin, though she didn’t know of it. But a small conversation wouldn’t hurt. She usually was the one initiating it, never a light of playfulness in her eyes. He could sense she needed to be away from something by the way she kept frequenting this place, alone with no company and always getting drunk as the night rolls by.
“The music’s good. Beer’s good. What’s there to complain” she grinned. This guy was seriously handsome. It hurt her pride a little though; he never made an advance towards her for even once when she came to the bar.
Yoochun grinned back, “True. How come you’re not drinking tonight? Sick of alcohol? Whoa, that’s a first.”
“You’re asking questions tonight, that’s a first. And no, just don’t feel like it.” She closed her eyes and listened as a slow number is put on the speakers. Weird though, someone must have changed the music to fit romance as opposed to the usual techno and R&B tracks.
She sipped her drink. The couples on the dance floor were swaying to the slow music, each held in either’s arms. Kira suddenly felt unbearable and decided for a breather. “I need some fresh air” she told to no one in particular, though Yoochun heard her. She pushed through the crowd and walked out of the pub, thankful for the lesser people outside and the calmness of the night.
A guy in a white T-shirt and black jeans approached her slowly; Kira unable to recognize the features of the stranger coming closer as her eyes haven’t adjusted to the glaring street lights after coming out from the dark pub; squinting as she made out the spiky made up hair. Her instincts told her he wasn’t a threat and decided not to run away, even though she was never one to be scared.
Suddenly Junsu was in front of her; him the stranger in white. After a month of not being with him, the effects were starting to take its toll on her. Funny, she couldn’t even recognize her boyfriend of two years steady.
Instead of pulling her hands or shaking her senseless, something which Kira thought he would do after his initial response in the cafeteria, he gave her a cute smile, and said, “Hey”, as if they never knew each other. She misses that smile.
“Hey yourself” she slowly smiled, all the warnings in her head telling her to run away from him fleeting with a mere twitch of his lips.
“I trailed you here on Saera’s bike; she made me swear on all these ridiculous oaths. Sorry?” he offered a sheepish grin, rubbing the back of his neck out of habit.
Kira smiled even wider. “That’s Saera for you. You could have asked for Heechul’s bike.”
“He’s even worse. He’ll slice me in all his sadistic glory if I even sit on it.”
“So, how are you doing?” he asked, still playing stranger.
She sighed, letting her guard down for the first time ever since the day her ‘supposed’ parents announced their divorce. “I feel like shit, Junsu”
Immediately, he crossed the distance between them and pulled her in for an embrace. She misses this so much. His scent filled her nostrils; his warm touch a familiar feeling she didn’t want to get rid of, didn’t want to ever not feel. She wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face in the crook of his neck. His hand stroked her hair gently while he kissed her shoulder.
“Idiot, should have told me sooner” he said softly, pulling back to look at her. Kira stared into those orbs, those eyes she remembers looking back into hers with just as much affection as she did. He leant in for a gentle kiss, offering her a world of comfort on his lips. And she dived in for a deeper satisfaction, taking in all kinds of flavor he gave with his tongue.
Junsu slowly pulled away, panting softly for breath. “I miss you”
“I know, I miss you even more.”
“You know, times like this, we go to the beach”
Kira laughed, “Even if it weren’t ‘times like this’, we’d always go to the beach.”
“What could I say, I’m a romantic.”
“Thank god it’s night; I only like the beach at night.”
“Of course, so you could stargaze, you’re hopeless.”
“Yeah, but you love me” she grinned, planting a peck on his lips.
“True.”
~*~*~
Riding on Saera’s bike felt like all the troubles in her life seems to have flown away with the wind. The wind could have collected her sorrows and brought it to somewhere far away across the globe; wherever it travelled to, ridding it off her chest and she would never be able to experience the pain, somehow. Junsu brought them to the beach he loved to hang out at whenever he felt like college life was constricting his chest.
They sat at the breaking point rock. Kira pulled her legs to her chest. A breeze was blowing in their faces gently. Stars littered the night sky, a huge bed of small lights in the blanket of the dark, the moon hidden by the clouds. They were far from a city centre, which was why the stars were more visible.
Kira sat staring at the stars for a long time, held by the therapeutic beauty of it. She never favored the beach, but it was more tolerable at night without the hot sun baking her. Stargazing was a hobby of hers. It was a win-win situation between her and Junsu. He liked the beach, Kira hated it. But if they went there at night, she’d be able to like it because the stars accompanied her.
Beside her, Junsu was looking at her, eyes searching for an answer, but never demanding it. Kira slowly spoke up, knowing she would never be able to avoid this all her life, or at least for the time being. “Spring break, my… parents divorced. It was bound to happen sometime. Dad had been suspicious a lot of times, hiding stuff from mom and crap. She too kept things from us.”
What made her like Junsu even more was that he never tried to play the ‘pity the sad people’ game. He listened to her and never judged her for the choices she made. At times, he was like a best friend to her, able to keep on listening to her blabbering and didn’t preach about it.
“They gave up their status of being guardians to me, as I’m 18 and legal. I’m left to living with Shiki noona now. It’s like; they’re no longer my parents anymore. They want to start a new family with different partners, so whatever’s left from the past is excess baggage to them and they want to erase it away.”
“Sounds like they’re being selfish,” Junsu said.
“Exactly! But I asked for double allowance, no wait, triple. How the heck is Shiki going to settle my financial crap? She works as an assistant to a magazine editor. The money she gets, she has her own life too, she needs that money for herself too,” Kira sighed. She neared Junsu and laid her head on his shoulder. He snaked an arm around her waist, pulling her close.
“So why did you clam yourself up? You know I’m there for you rain or shine,” Junsu told her. Kira grinned at the cheesy line. However true it was. Junsu, Saera, Yoohee, Mimi, Hana and Shiki stayed strong beside her no matter what. She couldn’t remember a time when they were never by her side, fighting for her to strive on.
“I just want to forget. When all life’s trouble gets to you, sometimes you just want to run away from it, right? The whole week of spring break was hell. I had to go to court a few times, and then meet my ‘parents’, and finally, when I really was sick of it all, I tried the pub. It took my mind off things. I’m sorry I ignored you Junsu; I don’t know what was in my head at that time, just that I wanted to forget. You were bound to find out, you know me too well”
Junsu kissed her left temple. “It’s okay, but you did scare the shit out of me. I thought you hated me or something.”
“Hmm, hate you? Yeah, when you pester me” Kira joked and earned a playful nudge in return. “I thought avoiding you would make me forget things, since you would instantly know what’s wrong with me. I did that with Saera and the rest, I tried avoiding them.”
“So smoking and drinking became your haven? You know, everyone of us is really worried about your health.”
“I’m fine, it’ll be hard cutting on the smoking though. I do want to quit, I’m just hooked a bit now” Kira assured him, taking hold of his right hand and intertwining their fingers together.
“I’ll help you quit. I’ll look less macho if my girlfriend smokes and I don’t,” he joked, “When are you going to tell Saera and the others?”
“Soon, probably tomorrow. It sucks having them being mad at me. Yoohee caught me skipping class and smoking in our room some days ago. She said she gave up, I thought my world went spinning off its axis when she said that.” Her voice broke at her last sentence, hot tears washing down her cheeks out of the blue.
She couldn’t handle it anymore. Getting her troubles off her chest became a bit harder at the mention of making her friends and Junsu mad at her. She hadn’t been thinking much of the divorce and status clearance, but now that she talked about it, it brought back all the harsh memories from a month ago and she almost regretted saying it, but she couldn’t keep on denying herself. How long does she need to drown herself and try to forget the past? If it meant threading in deep waters and blocking out her social life; cutting away her friends and kicking out her precious relationship, how far could she go on?
Junsu pulled her to his chest, letting her sob on his shirt, the flood of emotions tearing away all the bravado she had put up previously. She clung to his shirt, clawing away at his chest at the intense despair she’s been experiencing all this while. It became harder for her to breathe after almost sobbing for quite some time; she gasped for air and had a headache settling in. This was the second time she cried; the first at Shiki’s apartment during the first night she moved in there.
“God, I feel like a loser crying like this” Kira laughed at the ironic confession.
“You’re not a loser if you cry because you’re hurt”
“It sucked not having you beside me” she said quietly, breathing low.
Junsu kissed her cheek, “I’m here aren’t I”
~*~*~
A few weeks after making up with Junsu, Kira felt that she needed him more than ever. He helped her through meeting with her parents, assuring her that he will always be by her side. Sometimes he stayed over at Shiki’s when Kira spent overnight at her sister’s place, of course, being reprimanded by Shiki to sleep in the living room and not to sneak into Kira’s room at night.
Hana and Mimi took the divorce and the status clearance the hardest, being the dramatics they were. They felt compelled to torture and hang her parents. Saera and Yoohee understood her, but they were forcing her to stop smoking and especially drinking. Their room seriously stunk and they almost got caught by the dorm advisor when Kira couldn’t stop succumbing to the addiction.
Today, Kira and Junsu were taking out In Hwan, Junsu’s 6 year old brother to the theme park. The boy was a carbon copy of Junsu, but younger looking and had a more cherubic face. Though he shared Junsu’s childishness and cheerfulness.
In Hwan hopped up and down, laughing merrily, hands clasped to Kira and Junsu’s hands and standing in between them. His playfulness cheered Kira’s heart instantly, and she felt like hugging the boy in her arms tightly or pinching his plump cheeks.
“Kira noona! Ride the horsies and ponies with me!” In Hwan skipped towards the merry-go-round, letting go of their hold on him. He jumped up and down, one small hand on the rail separating the ride from passengers waiting and another beckoning Kira to come over quickly. She laughed and ran over to him, taking hold of his hand and stood in line for their turn.
“Yah! Only Kira noona! What about Jun hyung?” Junsu pouted sadly.
“Jun-hyung, you’re too big! The ponies will cwack-cwack-cwack when you sit on them!” In Hwan said cutely, making a gesture of shooing Junsu away from the ride with his hands.
“Listen to him Jun-oppa” Kira teased.
Junsu quirked a brow. “You never call me oppa”
“Oh just run along”
Their turn came and Kira and In Hwan rode the merry-go-round. In Hwan loved it and demanded cutely for another round. Junsu had bought them candy flosses and was waiting for them by the side, smiling happily. He handed them the treat after they got off, In Hwan yelling in glory at the sight of candy.
They then rode the flying chairs, mini rollercoaster which made Kira extremely annoyed when Junsu shouted excitedly like a small child, toning down In Hwan’s barely there shouts. Junsu and Kira bravely took the spinning teacups, with Kira crying bloody murder at the endless turns and almost vomited in her cup. Junsu wobbled precariously when he got off, clumsily hitting other kids. Whilst In Hwan loved the ride, and when he demanded for another round, his brother carried him up in his arms and pulled Kira to run away from the place. After one more hour at the park, they had dinner and decided to send In Hwan home. He dozed off in the car, snoring lightly after a day’s fun.
“Thank you for accompanying me and In Hwan, it means a lot to me” Junsu said whilst they were walking back to their dorm after parking Kira’s car at the student’s car park. He stopped short and pulled Kira for a sweet kiss on her cheeks, smiling softly. The kiss lingered on longer before Kira turned her head and palmed Junsu’s face, kissing him fully on his mouth. He wrapped an arm around her waist, the other planted on her back, pulling her in closer. She brought her hand up to run her fingers through his raven locks.
When rain falls, I'll be the umbrella that covers you
When the wind blows, I'll be the wall that shields you
And however deep the dark of night,
Tomorrow will surely come
I want to tell only you
That tomorrow will surely come
PG13 for language content.
Another long gulp followed by another round of slaps on the table, the bartender now tending to her orders of beer for the night. She swallowed pints of beer, the burning hot sensation passing her lips and down her throat. Her eyes were wild with ecstasy, her head already lost in the music, nodding along to the fast beat of the music being played in the pub. She gave a lazy smile as a random stranger brushed up to her; I’m not fucking drunk yet, asshole.
She’s become accustomed to the taste of alcohol on her tongue. Two previous weekend nights finds her sitting at this same spot, alone and drinking the night away. A pack of cigarettes never failed to accompany her, sometimes two. Even as smoke curled around her lungs, and she coughs out puffs of cloudy air, she finds it strangely comforting; this inhaling and exhaling a cancer stick. She talks to the bartender, a handsome pale man in his early 20s, whose skin color had withered at the countless times he spends his waking moments at night. They usually talk of random stuff, Kira usually the one striking a conversation once she takes her seat at the stool by the counter and gives her order. His name was Yoochun.
An hour later, her mind is hazy, nothing seemed to make sense and her peripheral vision became unclear. She stumbled as she stood up, giggling to herself. I’m fucking drunk.
“My shift ends in 15 minutes, wait for me, I’ll drive you home” The bartender offered, shaking his head as her chin hit the counter top, limbs flailing by her side as she struggled to get up.
Home? Do I even have one?
“Call Saera! Call Saera! She’ll pick me up. Call Saera!” Kira stuttered, taking out her phone from her pant pocket and throwing it at Yoochun’s chest. The bartender scrambled to pick it up from the floor, scrolling through the contacts name and called a Saera.
After what seemed to be an eternity, Kira was dragged out of the pub door by an angry Saera and Yoohee. She could only make out fragments of their speech, their voices a noise to her ears. She tried to block them out, fisting her ears. She felt herself being sped away on a vehicle, “My car!” she groaned, before passing out on the backseat.
~*~*~
“Shit!” Kira woke up to an excruciating head ache, as if hands were pounding the insides of her head out of frustration. She threw a hand over her forehead, willing it to settle down. Saera was standing by her bed, an angry look donning her features. Yoohee was sitting beside her on her bed, pushing two aspirins into her mouth and letting her drink water from a glass she offered.
“Kira what the hell happened?!” Saera screamed. Mimi and Hana were standing behind her, an unreadable expression across their faces. Hana moved to pull open the curtains, letting sunlight flood into the room, hitting Kira’s bed.
“Close the curtains!” Kira roared, pulling up the comforter all the way to the top of her head to block the rays.
“You were pissed off drunk, you chain smoked and you were alone at some sleazy bar when we picked you up last night, what the hell is your problem?!” Saera gushed, heat creeping to her face. Kira tried to block out the noise, her head pounding even more. Saera got fed up with her attitude and left the room, slamming the door behind her.
Mimi moved closer, sitting beside Yoohee. “Junsu seonbae kept calling you since last night. He left you 46 missed calls; he’s been asking me what happened to you, why you haven’t seen him for weeks”
Ever since the last two weeks since getting back to campus from spring break, Kira had been steadily avoiding Junsu. When she sees him in the halls, she reversed her steps and ran away from him. For three days, Junsu kept on calling her, leaving her messages, asking her friends of her condition. Once they accidentally bumped into each other in the canteen, Kira quickly left the place, ignoring him completely. After that, he didn’t call nor send her messages on her phone, until last night when she went missing again and Yoohee had told him she wasn’t at campus.
Kira got up from her bed, cringing as she felt a wave of nausea hit her. She took a shower and changed into something decent, then left for the cafeteria to nurse her hangover. After queuing up and buying two cups of hard black coffee, she sat down in one of the booths, quietly sipping her drink in silence, groaning every now and then at the pounding in her head. She didn’t notice Junsu slipping into the booth and sat across her.
“Junsu! Shit” she gasped, making to get up from her seat.
“Sit down, Kira” he ordered, his eyes showing a mask. She slowly sat back down, held back down by his tone.
Junsu looked at her, face showing no emotion. “What’s happened to you? What’s happened to us? Did I do anything wrong? Kira, damn it, you’ve been driving me crazy for the past few weeks” he breathed.
“Nothing is going wrong okay, just lay off would you. I’m fucking fine, and you’ve done nothing wrong. Just… get away” Kira fished out a pack of cigarette from her pocket, needing to calm herself. Junsu’s eyes widen at the sight.
“You’re smoking now?! Are you delirious? “He stood up and snatched the stick away from her fingers, stubbing it out. Kira rolled her eyes in annoyance, finding it extremely agitating that people kept bombarding her with questions this morning.
“Would you lay off! I have a fucking hangover and you’re attacking me with all these questions this early”
“So you were drinking last night? I can’t fucking believe you. Everyone was so worried about you, and there you were, pissing yourself off” Junsu almost shouted, his anger mounting high. Other students were looking in their direction, a curious look on their faces.
“Look, I can’t deal with this shit right now okay. God” she took her coffee and stood up, leaving the booth and hurried off before Junsu could catch up with her.
~*~*~
Tuesday morning on a school day finds Kira still in bed, smoking away. She was already on her second packet. The room was filled with smoke, and she couldn’t be bothered to open the windows. Skipping class eventually became a habit. Usually she was the one to leave the room after her friends did; they didn’t know she would only attend classes until noon.
Last three weeks, when she came back home, she found both her parents and elder sister, Shiki, sitting at the sofa. Shiki must have missed her to be coming home like this; she lived alone at an apartment in the city. It should’ve looked nice; a family waiting for her at the living room and welcoming her back for spring break. She waited to be embraced by her parents, but what she got instead was Shiki pulling her in for a tight, bone crushing hug. They sat together at the sofa, Kira eagerly waiting for something to happen. But from the look on her parent’s faces, she sensed something was amiss. The look of love that they usually shared wasn’t there. And so she put on her guard and hoped for the worse. What she got was a hundred times worse than what she expected.
“Kira, your mother and I, we no longer love each other anymore. Not for a long time. We’ve filed for a divorce, and we’re going to court tomorrow.” Her father told her, dropping a bomb in her life. As if she needed this now. They explained that they would be parting ways, and that her father is already married to his secretary, a baby is on the way. Her mother is set to marry an old time friend and the friend has three kids who are still small, they would be living in this house.
What shitted her the most was that both of them did not want to take custody of her as she was 18 and legal, tearing away the cages of her life and giving her freedom, to soar high and far as much as she wants.
Shiki told her to pack her bags and that Kira would be living with her, as when she returns home on breaks, her home would be the apartment in the city her sister is currently residing in. And she did just that, packed all her belongings into boxes, however grudgingly she felt, she realized her parents were selfish beings, and that she no longer mattered to them. It was fine, it all felt fucking fine.
Until Shiki and her left for Shiki’s apartment that night and stepped into it, her tears began to flow and the realization hit her full force. She was an unwanted child, her parents couldn’t care less about her life to be doing this and the only people she had left was her sister, Junsu and her friends. Shiki just stood by watching her sister cry, feeling as helpless as she herself was feeling the same way. Her selfish parents were assholes and she swore to take care of her sister the way her parents didn’t anymore.
Her spring break was filled with going to court and hearing verdicts that she had access to her funds and that her parents were cleared off their status as guardian to her, Shiki now the only guardian to Kira. Some days she met her parents and they settled on agreements of who provides money for Kira as of on a weekly basis. Kira demanded high maintenance as a substitute to having to put up with this kind of shit, turning her heart a cold stone, not wanting to appear weak and helpless.
She refused to be a fragile doll, able to shatter into millions of pieces once it crashes onto the ground, waiting for someone to pick up the smithereens and piece it back together. She didn’t need that.
Kira didn’t realize she was turning into that fragile doll already. During nights when she felt too unbearable of her thoughts, she found solace in a pub she once went with her friends. It was the perfect escapade.
Click. The sound of the door being opened made Kira scramble up from her bed to open the window, letting the smoke escape from the room. It was Yoohee, coming back to their room to fetch her sweater.
“Kira? Why aren’t you in class? And oh my god did you smoke in here?” Yoohee waved her arms around the room, wanting the foul air to travel out.
“Shhh, don’t tell anyone okay. I’ll go to class later, I‘m just really tired” Kira said. She lied down on her bed and closed her eyes, as if ridding off the disaster in her life.
“I don’t know what to do with you anymore. I give up, Kira, I give up. Until you decide to tell us what’s going on, I’m washing my hands off you.” Yoohee left the room after that.
That’s right; give up on me like they did. Everyone should do that now.
~*~*~
She’s at the familiar spot in the pub again. No one saw her sneak out of campus; her friends were busy with their boyfriends. While hers was probably somewhere, she thinks he couldn’t be bothered with her now that her ass of an attitude should have turned his leash off of her. It’s good, maybe.
She’s been denying herself the fact that she misses his kisses, his hugs, his smiles and his laughter. It felt different somehow, not hearing him laughing to her ridiculous pervert jokes, or him cracking jokes and making her roar with laughter till she would roll on the ground and clutch her stomach in pain. It’s almost a month of no Junsu, now she has a numb sensation spreading through her.
The lights of the bar were dim and groups of people came in and out of the place, either too pissed off drunk and falling down on their asses, or too high from being stoned. Kira was halfway through her first beer, tonight she didn’t feel like binge drinking, instead she smokes her cigarette and chatted lightly with two girls sitting next to her, occasionally staring at the dance floor and contemplating to dance; though it would appear she as a sad girl dancing alone on the dance floor and desperate for a fuck.
Some guys tried to cozy up to her, and she flipped them the finger. “Harsh, aren’t we.” Yoochun smirked, filling a glass with martini. He slid it to an older woman sitting a few seats from Kira, then settled to sit in front of Kira, making sure that he didn’t need to tend to any customers at the moment.
“Aren’t you bored of this place?” he asked, taking a swig out of a bottle. He knows he shouldn’t flirt with this one; she was a girlfriend of his friend’s cousin, though she didn’t know of it. But a small conversation wouldn’t hurt. She usually was the one initiating it, never a light of playfulness in her eyes. He could sense she needed to be away from something by the way she kept frequenting this place, alone with no company and always getting drunk as the night rolls by.
“The music’s good. Beer’s good. What’s there to complain” she grinned. This guy was seriously handsome. It hurt her pride a little though; he never made an advance towards her for even once when she came to the bar.
Yoochun grinned back, “True. How come you’re not drinking tonight? Sick of alcohol? Whoa, that’s a first.”
“You’re asking questions tonight, that’s a first. And no, just don’t feel like it.” She closed her eyes and listened as a slow number is put on the speakers. Weird though, someone must have changed the music to fit romance as opposed to the usual techno and R&B tracks.
She sipped her drink. The couples on the dance floor were swaying to the slow music, each held in either’s arms. Kira suddenly felt unbearable and decided for a breather. “I need some fresh air” she told to no one in particular, though Yoochun heard her. She pushed through the crowd and walked out of the pub, thankful for the lesser people outside and the calmness of the night.
A guy in a white T-shirt and black jeans approached her slowly; Kira unable to recognize the features of the stranger coming closer as her eyes haven’t adjusted to the glaring street lights after coming out from the dark pub; squinting as she made out the spiky made up hair. Her instincts told her he wasn’t a threat and decided not to run away, even though she was never one to be scared.
Suddenly Junsu was in front of her; him the stranger in white. After a month of not being with him, the effects were starting to take its toll on her. Funny, she couldn’t even recognize her boyfriend of two years steady.
Instead of pulling her hands or shaking her senseless, something which Kira thought he would do after his initial response in the cafeteria, he gave her a cute smile, and said, “Hey”, as if they never knew each other. She misses that smile.
“Hey yourself” she slowly smiled, all the warnings in her head telling her to run away from him fleeting with a mere twitch of his lips.
“I trailed you here on Saera’s bike; she made me swear on all these ridiculous oaths. Sorry?” he offered a sheepish grin, rubbing the back of his neck out of habit.
Kira smiled even wider. “That’s Saera for you. You could have asked for Heechul’s bike.”
“He’s even worse. He’ll slice me in all his sadistic glory if I even sit on it.”
“So, how are you doing?” he asked, still playing stranger.
She sighed, letting her guard down for the first time ever since the day her ‘supposed’ parents announced their divorce. “I feel like shit, Junsu”
Immediately, he crossed the distance between them and pulled her in for an embrace. She misses this so much. His scent filled her nostrils; his warm touch a familiar feeling she didn’t want to get rid of, didn’t want to ever not feel. She wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face in the crook of his neck. His hand stroked her hair gently while he kissed her shoulder.
“Idiot, should have told me sooner” he said softly, pulling back to look at her. Kira stared into those orbs, those eyes she remembers looking back into hers with just as much affection as she did. He leant in for a gentle kiss, offering her a world of comfort on his lips. And she dived in for a deeper satisfaction, taking in all kinds of flavor he gave with his tongue.
Junsu slowly pulled away, panting softly for breath. “I miss you”
“I know, I miss you even more.”
“You know, times like this, we go to the beach”
Kira laughed, “Even if it weren’t ‘times like this’, we’d always go to the beach.”
“What could I say, I’m a romantic.”
“Thank god it’s night; I only like the beach at night.”
“Of course, so you could stargaze, you’re hopeless.”
“Yeah, but you love me” she grinned, planting a peck on his lips.
“True.”
~*~*~
Riding on Saera’s bike felt like all the troubles in her life seems to have flown away with the wind. The wind could have collected her sorrows and brought it to somewhere far away across the globe; wherever it travelled to, ridding it off her chest and she would never be able to experience the pain, somehow. Junsu brought them to the beach he loved to hang out at whenever he felt like college life was constricting his chest.
They sat at the breaking point rock. Kira pulled her legs to her chest. A breeze was blowing in their faces gently. Stars littered the night sky, a huge bed of small lights in the blanket of the dark, the moon hidden by the clouds. They were far from a city centre, which was why the stars were more visible.
Kira sat staring at the stars for a long time, held by the therapeutic beauty of it. She never favored the beach, but it was more tolerable at night without the hot sun baking her. Stargazing was a hobby of hers. It was a win-win situation between her and Junsu. He liked the beach, Kira hated it. But if they went there at night, she’d be able to like it because the stars accompanied her.
Beside her, Junsu was looking at her, eyes searching for an answer, but never demanding it. Kira slowly spoke up, knowing she would never be able to avoid this all her life, or at least for the time being. “Spring break, my… parents divorced. It was bound to happen sometime. Dad had been suspicious a lot of times, hiding stuff from mom and crap. She too kept things from us.”
What made her like Junsu even more was that he never tried to play the ‘pity the sad people’ game. He listened to her and never judged her for the choices she made. At times, he was like a best friend to her, able to keep on listening to her blabbering and didn’t preach about it.
“They gave up their status of being guardians to me, as I’m 18 and legal. I’m left to living with Shiki noona now. It’s like; they’re no longer my parents anymore. They want to start a new family with different partners, so whatever’s left from the past is excess baggage to them and they want to erase it away.”
“Sounds like they’re being selfish,” Junsu said.
“Exactly! But I asked for double allowance, no wait, triple. How the heck is Shiki going to settle my financial crap? She works as an assistant to a magazine editor. The money she gets, she has her own life too, she needs that money for herself too,” Kira sighed. She neared Junsu and laid her head on his shoulder. He snaked an arm around her waist, pulling her close.
“So why did you clam yourself up? You know I’m there for you rain or shine,” Junsu told her. Kira grinned at the cheesy line. However true it was. Junsu, Saera, Yoohee, Mimi, Hana and Shiki stayed strong beside her no matter what. She couldn’t remember a time when they were never by her side, fighting for her to strive on.
“I just want to forget. When all life’s trouble gets to you, sometimes you just want to run away from it, right? The whole week of spring break was hell. I had to go to court a few times, and then meet my ‘parents’, and finally, when I really was sick of it all, I tried the pub. It took my mind off things. I’m sorry I ignored you Junsu; I don’t know what was in my head at that time, just that I wanted to forget. You were bound to find out, you know me too well”
Junsu kissed her left temple. “It’s okay, but you did scare the shit out of me. I thought you hated me or something.”
“Hmm, hate you? Yeah, when you pester me” Kira joked and earned a playful nudge in return. “I thought avoiding you would make me forget things, since you would instantly know what’s wrong with me. I did that with Saera and the rest, I tried avoiding them.”
“So smoking and drinking became your haven? You know, everyone of us is really worried about your health.”
“I’m fine, it’ll be hard cutting on the smoking though. I do want to quit, I’m just hooked a bit now” Kira assured him, taking hold of his right hand and intertwining their fingers together.
“I’ll help you quit. I’ll look less macho if my girlfriend smokes and I don’t,” he joked, “When are you going to tell Saera and the others?”
“Soon, probably tomorrow. It sucks having them being mad at me. Yoohee caught me skipping class and smoking in our room some days ago. She said she gave up, I thought my world went spinning off its axis when she said that.” Her voice broke at her last sentence, hot tears washing down her cheeks out of the blue.
She couldn’t handle it anymore. Getting her troubles off her chest became a bit harder at the mention of making her friends and Junsu mad at her. She hadn’t been thinking much of the divorce and status clearance, but now that she talked about it, it brought back all the harsh memories from a month ago and she almost regretted saying it, but she couldn’t keep on denying herself. How long does she need to drown herself and try to forget the past? If it meant threading in deep waters and blocking out her social life; cutting away her friends and kicking out her precious relationship, how far could she go on?
Junsu pulled her to his chest, letting her sob on his shirt, the flood of emotions tearing away all the bravado she had put up previously. She clung to his shirt, clawing away at his chest at the intense despair she’s been experiencing all this while. It became harder for her to breathe after almost sobbing for quite some time; she gasped for air and had a headache settling in. This was the second time she cried; the first at Shiki’s apartment during the first night she moved in there.
“God, I feel like a loser crying like this” Kira laughed at the ironic confession.
“You’re not a loser if you cry because you’re hurt”
“It sucked not having you beside me” she said quietly, breathing low.
Junsu kissed her cheek, “I’m here aren’t I”
~*~*~
A few weeks after making up with Junsu, Kira felt that she needed him more than ever. He helped her through meeting with her parents, assuring her that he will always be by her side. Sometimes he stayed over at Shiki’s when Kira spent overnight at her sister’s place, of course, being reprimanded by Shiki to sleep in the living room and not to sneak into Kira’s room at night.
Hana and Mimi took the divorce and the status clearance the hardest, being the dramatics they were. They felt compelled to torture and hang her parents. Saera and Yoohee understood her, but they were forcing her to stop smoking and especially drinking. Their room seriously stunk and they almost got caught by the dorm advisor when Kira couldn’t stop succumbing to the addiction.
Today, Kira and Junsu were taking out In Hwan, Junsu’s 6 year old brother to the theme park. The boy was a carbon copy of Junsu, but younger looking and had a more cherubic face. Though he shared Junsu’s childishness and cheerfulness.
In Hwan hopped up and down, laughing merrily, hands clasped to Kira and Junsu’s hands and standing in between them. His playfulness cheered Kira’s heart instantly, and she felt like hugging the boy in her arms tightly or pinching his plump cheeks.
“Kira noona! Ride the horsies and ponies with me!” In Hwan skipped towards the merry-go-round, letting go of their hold on him. He jumped up and down, one small hand on the rail separating the ride from passengers waiting and another beckoning Kira to come over quickly. She laughed and ran over to him, taking hold of his hand and stood in line for their turn.
“Yah! Only Kira noona! What about Jun hyung?” Junsu pouted sadly.
“Jun-hyung, you’re too big! The ponies will cwack-cwack-cwack when you sit on them!” In Hwan said cutely, making a gesture of shooing Junsu away from the ride with his hands.
“Listen to him Jun-oppa” Kira teased.
Junsu quirked a brow. “You never call me oppa”
“Oh just run along”
Their turn came and Kira and In Hwan rode the merry-go-round. In Hwan loved it and demanded cutely for another round. Junsu had bought them candy flosses and was waiting for them by the side, smiling happily. He handed them the treat after they got off, In Hwan yelling in glory at the sight of candy.
They then rode the flying chairs, mini rollercoaster which made Kira extremely annoyed when Junsu shouted excitedly like a small child, toning down In Hwan’s barely there shouts. Junsu and Kira bravely took the spinning teacups, with Kira crying bloody murder at the endless turns and almost vomited in her cup. Junsu wobbled precariously when he got off, clumsily hitting other kids. Whilst In Hwan loved the ride, and when he demanded for another round, his brother carried him up in his arms and pulled Kira to run away from the place. After one more hour at the park, they had dinner and decided to send In Hwan home. He dozed off in the car, snoring lightly after a day’s fun.
“Thank you for accompanying me and In Hwan, it means a lot to me” Junsu said whilst they were walking back to their dorm after parking Kira’s car at the student’s car park. He stopped short and pulled Kira for a sweet kiss on her cheeks, smiling softly. The kiss lingered on longer before Kira turned her head and palmed Junsu’s face, kissing him fully on his mouth. He wrapped an arm around her waist, the other planted on her back, pulling her in closer. She brought her hand up to run her fingers through his raven locks.
When rain falls, I'll be the umbrella that covers you
When the wind blows, I'll be the wall that shields you
And however deep the dark of night,
Tomorrow will surely come
I want to tell only you
That tomorrow will surely come