(no subject)
If I ever have children, I'll never tell them: "You're too young to understand. You're too young to be in love, you just won't get it 'till you're older... and bla bla bla." Because, you know what? That's the time that you actually CAN love, that you really CAN feel. Just because you may not understand, doesn't mean you should walk away. Maybe it's better not to understand. Then you can actually whole-heartedly love, totally give yourself to someone, completely let yourself be engulfed by an emotion - because you have no preceeding prejudices, you have no idea what to expect, what to feel, what to do... which gives you the benefit to experience something with a completely fresh plate. I wish I could go back to the time when I allowed myself to love, when I could love. I didn't know then about the pain, about the hurt, about the way someone can become so entwined and twisted in your life, mind, heart and soul that they have the power to shred you like a piece of unwanted paper.
Back to a time when I didn't have this tower of protection guarding my heart so fucking well, that... well, I haven't really felt anything in a long time. I haven't let myself. My shield has stopped that heartache, stopped that betrayel, stopped all those terrible/awful/gut-wrenching feelings from invading my life. But the catch is this: the shield doesn't know the difference between good and bad. And I guess neither did I. Trying to block out just the bad things, caused the good things to be piled up outside my door along with them. And I'm not sure how to fix that anymore. I'm not sure if I should. I'm not sure of a lot of things right now.
And it's not that I'm like... giving up on anything, or looking for a solution, or... I don't know. I'm just... writing about it. Because that's what I feel like doing. I feel like pointing out the fact that I used to love, I did once, and since then - no more. I notice myself pulling away. I recognize that I won't put my all into everything. I sense this seal of protection. We know each other well. Too well.
Sometimes I never deal with my problems. Suppression can be a wonderful thing, and I've used it a lot. But just like the floating bodies that wash ashore and cause some poor sap to say "FUCK" as he slaps his hands into his face, because he thought they'd never be discovered... my problems always resurface... and then I sit here and say "FUCK." But I don't slap my face, and I don't usually really talk about them (unless I'm pretty drunk). I turn to other things to make me feel better, to make me feel some sort of pain or pleasure, to make me feel like I have at least SOME control in my life. If that doesn't make sense - I'm sorry... but I'm not sure I'm ready to write exactly what it is that I do do. Whatever those things may be - I like the calm after the storm. I like the feeling of serenity, of quiet, of control. I'm a control freak, what can I say - it's my obsessive compulsiveness.
Sometimes I wish there were things I could just forget.
Or erase.
Sometimes... it's just not all okay.