Chains [2/2]
Previous
When I pass every light that illuminates the path
My vision gets blurry
It's not that my heart is beating
Because my breaths that get rougher are bothering me
Kibum likes to think he’s good with words. Right now though, he doesn’t think he’s doing very well. In his defense, he’s a little drunk. That should account to something right?
“Are you dating that guy?”
Jonghyun is surprised by the question to say the least. He doesn’t even know Kibum is in the same club as he is until they’re already face to face and the boy asks him the question seemingly out of nowhere, “I…”
“Forget it,” Kibum doesn’t bother to wait for his answer and starts to walk away.
“Wait,” Jonghyun calls out and the younger lad halts. “What if I am?” Kibum didn’t even mention who he was talking about but somehow, Jonghyun just knows it was Jinki.
Kibum turns around and searches the elder boy’s face. He doesn’t really know what he’s looking for and he’s never been good at reading people. It confuses him. That’s why he rarely even tries to understand them.
He watches the shorter lad’s face as the other stares back at him. Maybe he saw what he’s looking for. Or maybe he didn’t. He doesn’t know but at that moment, it seems like the most logical thing to do.
Or perhaps, it is what he wants from the beginning.
Kibum retraces his steps back towards the other boy and in an instant he’s cupping Jonghyun’s face in a heated kiss. The elder, startled, tries to push him away at first but Kibum won’t have it. It doesn’t take long when Jonghyun stops struggling completely and instead wraps his arms around the taller boy’s waist.
They don’t stop until both of them are breathless. When they do, Kibum lets go of the junior, once again studying the elder’s face. He still doesn’t know what he wants to see. But when Jonghyun lets go of his waist, Kibum feels something he doesn’t want to feel. Not from Jonghyun, not from anyone.
It is just for a moment but Jonghyun thinks he sees something flash on Kibum’s eyes. He isn’t sure if it’s only a trick of the lights or his dazed state, but Jonghyun’s certain he doesn’t like it. The younger boy is always so confident, so sure of himself, and the rejected look on his face a moment ago just doesn’t fit him.
Kibum’s now looking at him defiantly, and it probably should’ve annoyed Jonghyun at some extent because hey, he asks him a question abruptly and when Jonghyun asks why the boy tells him to forget about it and then kisses him?
However, it is Kibum and even if Jonghyun tries to deny it, he lets the boy get away with everything. Because in the in the end, Jonghyun still likes Kibum. And even with the other’s strong façade, Jonghyun knows Kibum isn’t as tough as he appears to be. And he had wanted to protect the other boy from the moment they first met.
They kiss for the second time that night. This time, however, Jonghyun is the one who initiates it and Kibum is the one who is caught by surprise. When Kibum starts to respond, Jonghyun’s holds him closer, his hands running through the blonde’s back. Kibum’s hands attached themselves to the back of Jonghyun’s neck, tugging the elder lad’s hair a few times none too gently. Jonghyun pulls away a moment later. But this time, he doesn’t let go of the thin frame in his arms, “You don’t wanna make out in public, right?”
Kibum glares at the conceited boy but then Jonghyun grins and like the previous times, all his annoyance somehow fades away. Jonghyun removes his hands from the taller lad’s back in favor of attaching them to the blonde’s shoulders and playfully pushing him towards the club’s exit. Kibum struggles at first. He tries to turn around to glare at the older boy but Jonghyun just gives him that annoying smirk and the freshman finally gives up after a few more attempts and just follows the shorter man’s lead.
•••
The previous night is all a blur to Jonghyun. He probably would’ve considered it as a dream if not for the clear evidence he’s staring at right now in the form of the naked lad beside him. He gives up trying to make sense of his memories after a while, opting to just watch the beautiful boy sleeping on his bed. Jonghyun can’t stop the grin spreading on his face as bits of the events from the previous night flashes in his mind. But then he remembers that time when Kibum may or may not had called him a pervert and he attempts to erase all his dirty thoughts.
Jonghyun realizes it too late though. Because at the moment, Kibum’s looking at him suspiciously and he is struggling to keep a straight face and wonders how the younger boy can read his thoughts. For this time around, Kibum clearly frowns and says, “You’re really such a pervert, Hyung.”
The elder doesn’t even try to deny it and instead just pecks Kibum’s lips. The younger boy mumbles, “Disgusting,” but the smile on his face is unmistakable so Jonghyun just grins at him cheerily and gets up to look for his discarded clothes. Once he deems himself decent enough, the white haired lad throws Kibum a wink -which the other boy returns with a glare- and excuses himself to make breakfast. Kibum refuses to respond but they both know he’s hiding a smile under those pillows.
•••
I try to erase the memories of loving you
But I look pathetic when I find myself putting them back
It has been a great day all in all and Kibum feels like an idiot for being incapable of wiping the grin off his face while he struggles to open his apartment. Jonghyun dropped him off in front of his building after they ate dinner at a nearby family restaurant. After they ate the breakfast the elder boy prepared, they took a shower together and proceeds to just lazing out on Jonghyun’s couch the whole day watching sappy movies and eating anything edible they find in the other’s home.
There was making out in between, of course.
It is all good and Kibum’s mood is still up after he showers for the second time that day and does his evening ritual. Of course, everything has to get ruined when Kibum flops on his bed and a face he wanted to forget for the past two years flash in his mind. With it, a memory he wanted to bury deep in his brain resurfaces and Kibum just knows it’s going to be a long night.
“Why did we keep that child? It creeps me out whenever I see him. He looks exactly like that woman.”
“We don’t have a choice. We’re the closest relative he got and it isn’t like we can abandon him after pretending that we saved him from his insane father.”
Kibum’s mother hissed. She was never really close with her brother but the thought of his husband killing him still wasn’t a very pleasant memory. “It’s because that woman wouldn’t mind her own business,” she commented dryly.
“Well, we were still lucky your brother went nuts when she died and so we were easily able to convince everyone that he was trying to kill his son when I shot him.”
Kibum retreated from where he was standing in front of his parents’ room. The ‘good night’ he was about to bid them long forgotten. His feet brought him to his cousin’s room and Kibum wanted to laugh. He was miserable because of the boy at the other side of the door but he still instinctively went to him to seek comfort.
Kibum felt like the biggest idiot on earth. He was so foolish. How could he not know until now? How could he not be suspicious at all when they all been living together for ten years? And it all came back to him. The tensed atmosphere whenever they all eat dinner together, Jinki’s stern politeness whenever he talked to his parents, those times when he caught his mother glaring at his cousin, Jinki flinching whenever he called them family…
The 17-year-old collapsed in front of his cousin’s bedroom door and he wanted to curse himself when he realized that even after all that, he still wanted Jinki to know he was there and for the elder boy to comfort him like he always did.
Jinki opens his door moments later and Kibum didn’t give him a chance to ask what was wrong as he let himself in and locked the door behind them before wrapping his arms around his cousin’s neck and sobbing in his chest. Jinki says nothing when they let themselves fall on the floor. He just silently attached an arm on Kibum’s back and began gently caressing the younger’s hair, turning the boy a little calmer at each stroke.
•••
“Hey,” Jonghyun greets awkwardly and Jinki immediately senses that he is about to hear something he probably won’t like.
“Hey,” he greets back anyhow.
“Uhm,” Jonghyun’s being coy and it is so not like him. The senior wants to call out the younger boy for it but he stops himself.
“About the other day…” Jonghyun starts and Jinki tenses, completing the junior’s sentence in his mind. The other day when you kissed me.
“It doesn’t mean anything, right?”
Jinki can feel his heart shattering into pieces at that simple query but he successfully maintains a neutral expression. “Yes, of course,” he answers with a smile, meeting Jonghyun’s unsure gaze.
“Uhm, so, yeah…” Jonghyun says uselessly and they just sit there for a couple of minutes.
“We’re still friends though, right?” the younger lad asks after a while and Jinki tries not to scoff at the clichéd question. He successfully does so replying with a casual, “Should you even ask that?”
Jonghyun looks worried for a moment but then Jinki grins widely and the junior is convinced they’re cool. So he smiles back, feeling all the weight is lifted off his shoulders.
•••
Jinki drinks occasionally but he’s not really a fan of clubs. He finds himself in one tonight, though.
“Hi, you’re Taemin’s roommate, right?” someone asks and Jinki would’ve thought the question isn’t directed to him if not for the mention of his younger friend’s name.
“Yeah,” he casually replies looking at the guy who sits beside him at the bar.
“Choi Minho,” the stranger introduces himself with a smile and Jinki thinks he’s heard that name before. Taemin probably have mentioned the boy to him in the past, Jinki can’t be sure.
“Lee Jinki,” he says back and he just notices how tall Minho is even when they are both sitting.
“Jinki-hyung?” Minho asks trying to seem unsure but Jinki’s quite certain it’s just for show. He goes with it anyways, “Yeah, most likely. I’m a senior.”
“Cool,” Minho comments and Jinki’s fully aware where all this is going but he still continues to submit to the younger boy’s obvious flirting. If there’s something that can make Jinki not be his awkward self (or at least a milder version of it), it’s alcohol. And having his heart broken just a few days ago probably makes it easier for him to do today.
Half an hour and four more shots later, Jinki’s tongue is already down Minho’s throat and the taller lad’s hands are not-so-subtly cupping his ass. Two more shots and Jinki’s already going home with someone he met just an hour ago.
•••
“You’re back to your apples?” Jonghyun asks, all smiles, as he flops on the chair across Kibum like he’s been doing the entire semester.
“I like apples,” the blonde shrugs.
“You never brought some for me,” Jonghyun pretends to whine.
“You said you don’t like them,” the taller boy scoffs.
“Why don’t you make a real lunch for me then?” the junior asks with a silly grin on his face and Kibum looks at him pointedly.
“Not a chance.”
“Why not?”
“Cos I don’t want to.”
“But…” Jonghyun pouts, but decides to drop it when he can’t think of a good reason for the blonde to make him lunch. He continues eating his food sulkily while Kibum conveniently ignores his moping.
The younger boy finishes eating the last of his apple slices and he watches Jonghyun moodily swallows his kimbap. “I hate waking up earlier than I should on weekdays,” Kibum starts and the junior looks up at him uninterestedly.
“But if you want, you can come over this weekend. I don’t really mind cooking us lunch,” he adds nonchalantly and perhaps it’s only the lights doing tricks on his eyes again but Jonghyun thinks Kibum’s cheeks have the slightest trace of flush on them.
The junior’s too giddy to play it cool so he just beams brightly and doesn’t even try to hide his excitement when he responds, “I’d love to.”
•••
Jinki didn’t think that the one night stand he had after being dumped by Jonghyun (technically, he didn’t get dumped because they were never together but it did sure feel like it), will evolve into something else. They’ve been seeing each other since then and even though nothing’s really official between them, Jinki’s quite sure Minho and him are pretty much dating.
It’s been three months now and Jinki thinks he’s doing well. He did great on his thesis proposal the previous semester and he’s considerably less pressured even though he’s now writing the real deal. Minho’s also great in general. The boy gets too flirty on other people at times and seems to have an excessive tendency for public displays of affection but he makes up for that by being incredibly sweet and caring. He takes Jinki to dates when they are both free and will sometimes drop by Jinki’s apartment just to bring him food. Not to mention, the boy’s really great in bed and that sort of eases Jinki’s stress somehow even if it doesn’t help much on the Jonghyun moving on thing he’s trying to accomplish.
It’s just… not easy. Because Jonghyun, albeit perhaps unconsciously, had made himself very endearing to Jinki during those months they spent together. And he’s also probably attracted to the younger boy even before that. He just didn’t realize it fully until he got closer to him.
“Hey,” Minho greets with a smile as the taller boy sits beside him.
“Hi,” Jinki greets in return, offering his drink to the younger lad. Minho sips on his milk tea before deciding to get himself coffee. When he comes back, he also brings cheesecake for both of them which they eat while they pass time waiting for their next class. Minho talks a bit about his soccer practice earlier in the day and Jinki listens, commenting at some parts occasionally.
Before they leave the café, Minho kisses him and by now, Jinki should’ve been used to it but it still made him flush and Minho teases him for it, “You’re really cute when you blush, Hyung.”
“Shut up,” Jinki retorts, as he pretends to arrange something in his bag just to have an excuse to hide his face.
Minho of course knows exactly what he’s doing and just so he could annoy Jinki and see the elder boy’s adorable pout afterwards, he cups his chin and captures the senior’s lips into a kiss once again.
•••
Of all times he could see his cousin, why must it be when he’s pathetically sitting alone at a café while that infuriating brunette makes out with a tall hottie in broad daylight? Kibum curses Jonghyun in his head for choosing the worst time to be late. They have more common breaks now and today, they should both be free from three to five in the afternoon and it’s almost half past three and the white haired boy is still nowhere in sight.
Just then, said lad comes in whilst Jinki and his boyfriend are about to leave. Kibum watches as his own boyfriend greets the couple. He knows Jonghyun and his cousin are friends but that doesn’t stop Kibum’s mood from dropping further as he sees his boyfriend beam brightly at the older boy.
Although the two agreed to stay as friends after Kibum and Jonghyun begun to date, Jinki and the junior still ended up stopping meeting up for snacks and hanging out on weekends. Kissing a friend and then dating someone else days after is awkward enough after all and the cousins’ situation just adds to the weird atmosphere between the two.
Jonghyun is kind of surprised to see Jinki at the café they used to frequent the previous semester. Even more so, to see the senior walking with a very tall guy who certainly is not just a friend if the arm around Jinki’s waist is enough indication. If not, then the way the boy moves Jinki closer to himself as they exchange pleasantries and how he casually nuzzles his head on the senior’s hair while the two of them talk briefly probably does.
Jonghyun’s relieved more than anything. Because he couldn’t help but feel a little guilty for possibly leading his friend on and then dating Kibum afterwards. It seems like he doesn’t have to worry though. Jinki probably just thinks of him as a friend and the kisses they shared that day doesn’t really mean anything for both of them. He still feels a pang of jealousy seeing the older boy with someone else though. Because he truly finds Jinki adorable and he knows he wouldn’t mind dating the senior. Well, at least without Kibum in the picture. With the thought of the said blonde, the brief emotion he felt washes away instantly and he excuses himself from the couple to start looking for his lover.
Kibum is frowning at one of the tables away from the entrance and Jonghyun beams at the boy before sitting across him. The freshman ignores him and Jonghyun grabs his hand on the table and play with the younger’s fingers a bit before standing up to order his tea. When he comes back, Kibum’s still moodily playing with the straw in his finished cup of latte and Jonghyun chooses to sit beside the younger instead.
“Someone’s a little cranky today,” he chuckles which expectedly gets ignored.
“Wanna have some?” Jonghyun asks after sipping on his drink and offers the cup to the freshman. Kibum finally pays him a pointed gaze and Jonghyun takes it as his cue to apologize, “Sorry I’m late. I had to drop by my department to submit a paper so, yeah.”
Kibum doesn’t respond and Jonghyun doesn’t push it and instead just resumes caressing the younger’s hand. They stay like that for about twenty minutes until Kibum finally talks, “I want pancake.”
“They don’t sell pancakes here,” Jonghyun replies amusedly and Kibum glares at him.
“Come on,” the junior beams as he grabs Kibum’s hand and urges the boy to stand up. Pancakes. That’s an easy one. It must be his lucky day, Jonghyun thinks cheerfully as they walk out of the café to head to the nearest pancake store.
•••
Jonghyun knows Kibum doesn’t feel the same way about him. He knows he’s far more into the boy than the younger is into him.
But still, he never expected this.
Half a year of going out and having keys to each other’s apartment, Jonghyun doesn’t expect to see Kibum making out with someone else in the younger’s bedroom.
Kibum’s lying on his own bed, writhing beneath another man and the way the boy moans at each thrust makes Jonghyun wince. The strange man’s thrusts gets harder, making Kibum yelp and the guy shuts him up by grabbing the tinier lad’s hair and catching his mouth into a heated kiss.
Jonghyun wants to scream, to make his presence known and barge into the room the two boys didn’t even bother to close. Not that they have to since they probably didn’t think anyone will come in as Jonghyun told Kibum earlier he won’t be coming over today. He’s so furious and wants nothing but to beat the guy on top of his lover until the asshole can’t stand.
Then Jonghyun sees his face. He’s too familiar to that face that Jonghyun can’t possibly mistake him for someone else. He feels his body tremble as his world crumbles around him. He doesn’t want to believe it. He doesn’t want to because that can only mean one thing.
And he’s not ready to admit it to himself yet.
•••
Jinki is beyond surprised when he reads the caller’s name being displayed on his phone’s screen. He and Jonghyun has stopped contacting each other altogether after the boy admits he’s seeing Kibum.
“Hyung,” the boy from the other line calls out softly and Jinki tries to keep himself calm.
“Yeah?” the elder replies, a bit too tight.
“Can we meet right now?”
Jinki hesitates for a while and then answers, a little more relaxed this time, “Sure, I’m at school right now though. Where do you want to meet?”
“The café just outside the campus. I’m on my way now,” Jonghyun says on the other line.
“Okay,” Jinki replies before he lets the phone slip from his ear and mocks himself for still feeling giddy just talking to the junior over the phone.
•••
I tell my empty heart that it’s a fool
"Why can’t I cry even though I’m in pain?"
Jonghyun gets to the café first and he waves at Jinki when he sees the other boy enters the shop.
“So, what’s up?” Jinki asks, grinning widely at the other lad. It doesn’t take a genius to discern Jonghyun’s depressed state but the elder boy opts to pretend not to notice.
Jonghyun returns the smile, albeit too forced, and Jinki tries not to cringe.
It is silent for a while as the two boys doesn’t talk until the coffee Jonghyun ordered for both of them finally arrives. “You’re dating that tall guy, aren’t you?” the junior asks suddenly, startling Jinki.
“Yeah,” the elder replies solemnly when he recovers.
Jonghyun chuckles but Jinki thinks it sounds like a sob more than anything. He watches the younger boy laugh without a hint of amusement in his eyes and Jinki feels like crying.
“I’m really stupid, ain’t I?” Jonghyun asks, meeting the brunette’s gaze. “I should’ve known. I…” he trails off, the words failing to get out of his mouth.
Jonghyun doesn’t cry. He doesn’t not because it doesn’t hurt. It freaking hurts, on the contrary. But at the same time, he finds the whole ordeal hilarious. And he feels stupid. He feels so, so stupid for even thinking Kibum really likes him too somehow. He feels like an idiot for letting himself fall harder for the other boy with every day that passed with them together when at the back of his mind, the suspicion that Kibum just went out with him to hurt Jinki always lingered.
Jonghyun wants to cry, thinking it may ease the pain even a little. He wants to because doing so will make him forget even just for a while. But he only ends up laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. And he thinks, maybe he’s not foolish after all. He’s just gone crazy.
Jinki just watches the whole time, his heart breaking at the sight of the other boy hurting. Jonghyun is laughing but the brunette can clearly see the unshed tears behind those chuckles. Jinki stops staring and looks out the window instead. He wonders if this is his fault too. He wonders if another person is suffering because of the mistake he committed that night. He wonders. But the truth is, he has the answer all along.
•••
You don’t smile, you don’t have anything to say
But it just has to be you
Jinki wants to convince himself he doesn’t know why he’s there. Why he’s in a room he’s never been before.
Why he’s writhing below the boy who broke his heart just a few months ago.
He wants to, but he can’t. It’s all clear to him. Even with his fuzzy mind, he can still recall perfectly the events that led them to where they are now.
Jinki was on his way home when he received a text from Jonghyun. It said he wanted to meet up again. And as with the other times, the senior found himself agreeing. The younger boy sent him an address and Jinki should’ve known where all of it will lead to from that alone.
But he was foolish and perhaps deep inside he wanted it to happen so he just silently followed when Jonghyun led him towards the building. Jinki had never been to Jonghyun’s apartment before but he knew the boy didn’t live in the building they were. He knew but he drove the thought away in his mind and just followed. Once inside, Jinki’s suspicion was confirmed and he should’ve run. He really should’ve but then Jonghyun kissed him and he let all thoughts disappear in his mind.
“Hyung,” Jonghyun whispers in his ear as he pushes in again and Jinki likes the sound of his voice as he calls him. He lets himself believe for a while that they are doing it because Jonghyun likes him as well. Not because the other wants to get back at Kibum.
Jinki feels breathless and he’s so, so close but then he hears the main door opens and the moment is gone and he just wants to run and hide before Kibum sees them.
Jonghyun doesn’t seem to notice though. Or pretends not to as he pushes into Jinki again harder and kisses the brunette again. Jinki’s thoughts of running away fades away in the background. He hears a clatter and something just hit the ground but Jonghyun is still kissing him and he tries to convince himself that maybe, maybe he’s just imagining all of it.
He can’t pretend any longer when he hears Kibum scream.
Jonghyun thrusts into him one last time and Jinki isn’t able to hold back a moan and he wants to die just then and there. The younger boy gets off him like nothing’s wrong and throws the spoiled rubber in the trash before finally looking at the fuming boy in the doorway.
“What’s up?” Jonghyun asks casually as if he isn’t just fucking another man on his boyfriend’s couch.
“What?!” Kibum shrieks in disbelief, too dumbfounded by the scene in front him.
Jonghyun huffs, “You’re only angry because it’s him, right?”
“What?” Kibum asks again, his wild gaze piercing the older boys.
Jonghyun meets the glare and continues to mock, “You’re only like that because it was him who I was fucking! If it wasn’t him, would you even care?”
“What are you trying to say?” Kibum is still furious but he’s more confused now. Why is Jonghyun acting like that? Isn’t he the one whom he just caught cheating on him?
“Do you really not know? Isn’t he the only reason you’re with me now?” Jonghyun asks scornfully and Kibum is too stunned to reply.
Jonghyun feels like crying. And he curses as he feels the tears stinging his eyes when he doesn’t want them to. Kibum doesn’t need to know how much this hurts him. He doesn’t because it will just make Jonghyun feel even more stupid than he does now. And that just sucks but of course, nothing ever goes as he wants to and his tears continue to flow freely down his face so he just wipes them away as soon as they fall.
“Did you ever like me even a little?” The question is asked so sincerely and Kibum feels a lump in his throat. He wants to answer yes just to wipe the hurt off Jonghyun’s face and it is then that he realizes, that yes, he does like the older boy. Much more than he probably let on.
Random memories flashes in his mind and he feels guilt crawling up his spine when a memory that doesn’t include the white haired junior surfaces. He understands it now. Jonghyun probably saw them that day right? Kibum feels so foolish and he wants to just disappear if that means he doesn’t have to look at Jonghyun’s defeated form anymore.
“I thought so,” Jonghyun remarks stiffly, when he doesn’t get an answer from the younger boy.
“Goodbye, Kibum,” he utters, when he passes by the blonde in the doorway.
Kibum finally collapses on the floor when he hears the door close. The two boys left in the room doesn’t talk as Jinki gathers all his clothes and wears them one by one. He gets out the apartment without a word afterwards, leaving Kibum alone to wallow in his misery.
•••
Kibum doesn’t want to believe it. He refuses to think that his misjudgment that day led him to lose Jonghyun. He shouldn’t have done that. He really shouldn’t have. What was he thinking? It wasn’t like he intended to date Minho afterwards just to spite his cousin. He wouldn’t even dare to rub it on Jinki’s face because he wouldn’t risk the chance of Jonghyun knowing and the boy hating him for it.
He really didn’t have to, did he? Kibum thinks bitterly as the scene he witnessed a few days ago unfolds in his memory.
I hurt him. The only man he didn’t want to cause pain was hurt because of his stupidity. He wants to blame Minho, for flirting with him when they both know they are committed to someone else. He wants to, but he knows in the end it’s all his fault. For not considering Jonghyun’s feelings when he did all that. For destroying what they had just so he can do something about the hatred he harbors towards his cousin.
He officially met Minho a few weeks back at a friend’s party. Jonghyun wasn’t able to go with him because the elder boy, being the procrastinator he was, was cramming something that night. Minho didn’t have Jinki with him as well and so he started hitting on Kibum and the younger flirted back a little just to pass time. Then that day, they accidentally met again at the university and Kibum recalled the few times he saw Minho publicly making out with his cousin and he just felt rage built up on him and the next thing he knew they were at his apartment doing it on his bed.
If Kibum is given another chance, he won’t ever do it again. It pains him to even just recall the look on Jonghyun’s face when he asked him whether he would have dated the junior if not for his cousin. He would have. He’s certain of it because he truly does like Jonghyun but with everything that happened between them, he knows it’ll be hard to convince the junior otherwise.
Kibum skipped school again that day. He just wanted to escape. He’s not ready to face the aftermath of his mistake yet. Maybe if he sleeps it off, everything will suddenly get better. Maybe.
•••
Jinki knows he never really liked Minho. Well, at least not as much as he likes Jonghyun so it isn’t really hard for him to break it off between them and get over the cheating bastard. He’s actually more concerned about Jonghyun. Because Jinki knows the younger seriously likes Kibum and he can’t help but feel somehow responsible for the other boy’s heartache.
It’s been two weeks since that fiasco in Kibum’s apartment and he and Jonghyun has been hanging out again during their breaks like they did some months ago and they even went out the previous weekend. Jinki won’t say they are dating or anything. Jonghyun never really made a move on him again after that day and Jinki prefers it that way. Somehow, it feels like they are back from the way they were before Kibum and Jonghyun started dating. Only now, the junior became a much more reserved and less goofier version of himself.
“Hyung, Jonghyun and the guys are setting up a noraebang slash drinking session this Friday, wanna go?” Jonghyun asks when he arrives at the cafeteria.
“Sure,” Jinki responds easily and earns himself a slight grin from the younger boy.
“I haven’t heard you sing for so long. I’m kinda excited,” Jonghyun says sincerely with a smile on his face and Jinki has the urge to sing for the younger boy right then and there if that means he’ll get to see that smile for a little longer.
“We can always go later if you want to,” Jinki says, acting nonchalant.
“Really? I’d like to. But aren’t you busy?”
“No, I’m fine. I don’t really have much to do later actually,” the senior lies.
“Great. I’ll text you later when my class ends,” Jonghyun chirps and Jinki knows they’ll be drowning themselves with alcohol in a few hours and he won’t get anything done when he comes home later. He finds it in himself he doesn’t really mind as long as doing so will help the other lad forget a certain blonde boy even just for a while.
•••
The memories of loving me may be a bit difficult
But I break down as I see you letting them go one by one
A month is what it took Kibum to finally have the courage to face Jonghyun and try to apologize. He waits for the older boy outside his classroom and when they are finally dismissed, Kibum gets closer and makes sure Jonghyun sees him.
Their gazes meet for a second but the shorter boy immediately retracts his, a sour expression on his face. The blatant rejection shatters Kibum’s resolve but he composes himself and follows the older lad. “Can we please talk?” he asks and gets ignored.
“Hyung,” the blonde calls out softly as he grabs Jonghyun’s arm.
“You know what? This is pathetic. You are pathetic. Do you really hate Jinki-hyung that much? So I start to hang out with him again and you’re suddenly interested on me again. You think this is a game Kibum? Did you really think I’ll let you play with my feelings again? Please don’t be so full of yourself. You’re not the only one who has fuckable ass around here,” Jonghyun mocks and Kibum knows it’s only the elder’s boy hurt pride talking but it still stung. He lets the junior’s arm go and the other boy starts walking away while he stays there in the hallway, silent tears making their way down his face.
•••
It’s an impulsive decision and Kibum knows he should’ve thought about it longer but he sees it as an opportunity to escape. To run away from everything.
His father’s sister called him a few weeks ago and like the other times, offers him to study and live with her family in the US. Kibum always refuses politely but her aunt is really persistent and even got more so when Kibum’s grandma finally agreed to live with them when he decided to move to Seoul for college. He always declines that when his aunt asked him on the phone that day and he answered yes, the elder woman thought she didn’t hear right and asked him again what he said.
“Can I talk to you alone for a minute?”
“No. I don’t think we have anything to talk about. And even if there is, which I doubt, I’m sure Jinki-hyung could hear it as well,” Jonghyun answers offhandedly, making Kibum wince.
“Fine,” the younger retorts after a while and when Jonghyun just stares at him indifferently, he continues, “I’m…” Kibum bites his lower lip and takes a deep breath before he successfully delivers what he intends to say the second time, “I’m moving to America. My flight is in two weeks.”
There is an evident pause before Jonghyun responds disinterestedly, “I don’t think that concerns me.”
It smashes Kibum’s every last bit of hope left and he balls his hands into fists before replying stiffly, “Yeah, you’re right. It doesn’t. Sorry for taking your time.”
Jinki speaks once Kibum is out of earshot, “Are you sure you won’t stop him? He may never come back.”
Jinki attempts to ignore all the thoughts that running in his head. This is not about him. Kibum’s leaving shouldn’t concern him. The boy was out of his life the moment he decided not to stop him that night.
He may never comeback…
Jinki feels a lump in his throat and the two boys stay silent the rest of the time, knowing they are thinking the same thing.
•••
I loved you to the point of it being tedious
Even the times we hated each other
I miss them so much, I can’t forget them
Jonghyun tries to convince himself that he doesn’t care. That Kibum leaving doesn’t concern him. He tries to but in the end, he still fails. And he finds himself pathetically stopping the younger boy from leaving.
“Don’t go,” Jonghyun pleads and Kibum feels his resolve crumbling. He remembers the event from the previous week though, and he finds the strength to remove Jonghyun’s grip on his wrist.
“You’re saying that to me now? You clearly stated last time that me moving doesn’t concern you.”
Jonghyun huffs, “You’re making me beg? You were the one who cheated on me. You were the one who used me to hurt your cousin. And now you’re doing this?”
Kibum tries to keep a straight face. He doesn’t need this. He’s already decided. He’s already decided to leave everything behind him and swore that day would be the last time he’ll fool himself into believing that Jonghyun will forgive him and that they will go back to the way they used to be.
“You were the one who told me I could leave and I’m just doing that. And no, I’m not making you beg. As far as I know we were done the moment you slept with that guy. And you just affirmed that the last time we talked. So goodbye, Jonghyun.” Kibum says in a firm voice even if inside, he feels every inch of himself breaking.
“I’m not going after you anymore after this, you know that right?” Jonghyun asks solemnly and Kibum wants nothing but to hug him and ask for forgiveness. To tell the older boy how much he loves him.
But instead, he slams the door to the junior’s face and collapses on the floor. This is what he wants, Kibum convinces himself as tears fall mockingly down his face.
•••
I can’t leave
You are more precious than I am
Come back again
Kibum gathers himself an hour later and feels like a hypocrite when a part of him hopes Jonghyun is still outside when he comes out to go to the airport.
Kibum is able to control himself and he doesn’t cry until the plane takes off. He weeps silently until he falls asleep and when he wakes up a few hours later, he cries again. He ignores the curious glances the passengers near him are throwing in his direction. He at the window, thinking of all what ifs and maybes.
Thinking of the boy he never wants to leave and the boy he wants to escape from -of the two men he loves most.
The aircraft finally lands and Kibum composes himself. He does all he needs to do at the airport and finally rests his tired body at the back of a cab on his way to his new home. He gets his phone out of his pocket and turns the airplane mode off. It doesn’t take a while when it vibrates in his hands and he freezes.
The number isn’t registered in his phone but there’s no way he can’t recognize it. He can still recite it even when he’s drunk after all.
Kibum reads the first message.
From: +639..
Message: Let me tell you something.
And the second one.
From: +639..
Message: I still regret not stopping you that day.
•••
Kibum stares at the door feeling like he’ll collapse from fatigue any second. His body feels very tired but his mind won’t stop from working as the rest of Jinki’s message play in his head over and over again.
Losing someone you love is painful. But that pain is nothing compared to knowing that you chose to lose that person. And that you can’t ever have them back. Don’t let this be the day you regret the rest of your life.
So he regrets it, Kibum feels tears find their way on his eyes again as the thought formed in his mind. He asks himself after a while if he regrets it and finds out he can’t answer.
Kibum knows that if he’ll be honest with himself though, the answer is no, he doesn’t regret it. He doesn’t regret ending his parents’ lives after knowing what they did to his aunt and uncle -to Jinki. He doesn’t think he can ever forgive them. The only thing he regrets is that he still loves them no matter what. That he’s too fragile and he can’t keep his sanity unless he blames what he did to someone else. That he chose to hate Jinki in order to live on.
Kibum turns the doorknob and for the last time, he wonders if this is the right the choice. He decides to stop thinking altogether a moment later and finally lets himself inside. He looks around and when he doesn’t see a boy with silvery white hair in the living room, he feels his heart clench.
Kibum leaves his luggage in the doorway and proceeds to the bedroom. There, he sees the said boy’s sleeping form and Kibum wastes no time and jumps on the bed to hug him.
And perhaps, it is the right decision. Because at that moment Kibum feels like there’s no other place he wants to be. And he doesn’t want to ever let go of the boy in his arms again.
Jonghyun wakes up with a start and he tries to make sense of his surroundings but nothing seems to add up. Kibum is on his bed hugging him tightly and it doesn’t make sense because Kibum flew to New York just the other day and he just can’t be in South Korea already.
“Don’t… Don’t do that again. Not with him, not with anyone. I…”
Nothing still makes sense but Kibum is sobbing in his chest and Jonghyun suddenly feels like a douche for making the boy cry and he does his best to wake up completely as he gently caresses the younger’s hair.
Kibum continues to mumble things Jonghyun isn’t able to comprehend with it being muffled by the younger boy’s sobs and Jonghyun’s shirt.
He thinks he gets the gist of it though.
Jonghyun softly pushes the bawling boy away from his body a bit and he mentally slaps himself when fearful eyes met his. In the end he decides it’s better than letting Kibum cry his eyes out more since it isn’t like he’ll be throwing him out or something anyway. He smiles down at the still slightly sobbing lad and gently wipes the tears off his face and tucks the loose strands of Kibum’s unusually messy hair behind the blonde’s ears.
“I love you,” Jonghyun says, and it seems to do the trick and Kibum stops weeping completely only to once again start bawling even louder than before just a few moments later. Jonghyun wants to demand the younger boy to say it back but concludes that there really isn’t a need too.
Kibum came back after all.
•••
The only place I have to rest at the end of the day is you
Kibum ends up sleeping off the rest of the day after all that drama and Jonghyun’s confession.
The elder boy finds it hard not to smile to himself as he sees Kibum’s luggage on his doorway. He feels a little guilty for feeling so giddy knowing that Kibum flew from South Korea to New York and back in a span of two days because of him.
He tries to erase his guilt by cooking food for the younger boy but the other refuses to wake up until dinner. They eat in the living room and everything feels normal and Jonghyun can’t ask for more. Not when Kibum’s there, in his arms, and they are fighting about trivial things like whether the girl on the television totally looks like a boxer or not.
They end the day just cuddling on the couch and Jonghyun tries his best not to fall asleep even when his eyes are drooping already. Kibum notices and pats the elder boy’s shoulder whispering softly, “You can sleep you know. I’m not going anywhere.”
The statement touches something in his heart and Jonghyun has the urge to kiss Kibum senselessly and just make out the rest of the night. He pushes the thought away though, not wanting to ruin the mood, and instead pecks Kibum’s lips and makes his own declaration, “I’ll never let you go again.”
He feels Kibum’s hold on him gets tighter just a bit and he kisses the boy again one last time before he changes their position to instead lay his head on the younger boy’s lap. For a moment, he thinks Kibum will argue and he’ll get shoved off and fall to the ground but the blonde just stays there, and Jonghyun lets himself relax. Kibum starts to stroke his hair affectionately and he falls asleep almost instantly.
•••
I keep you just because I want to
As you look at me who came speechlessly
It is Kibum’s birthday and they agreed to celebrate it at home instead of going out. Jonghyun tells him beforehand that he’ll be coming home first to prepare. They’ve been living together since Kibum went back from his short trip to New York.
Kibum tries to calm himself as he opens the door to their apartment. He feels foolish for acting like a schoolgirl but he can’t help but feel giddy with the anticipation of what Jonghyun prepared for him. He enters the apartment and even though he shouldn’t be surprised because he did know Jonghyun had prepared something, he feels emotional anyway when he looks at all the mushy decorations the elder boy decided to adorn their house with.
The breaking point is when he sees Jonghyun concentrating on writing letters to his birthday cake and it is just all too much and Kibum can’t stop his tears anymore. Jonghyun finally pays him attention and the boy’s grin immediately fades when he sees the tears on the blonde’s face.
“Hey,” Jonghyun coos as he steps closer to the younger boy and wraps his arms around his waist.
“I… That time, I never really apologized. I…” Kibum starts but fails to finish.
Jonghyun looks at him as if he’s saying something crazy and Kibum wants to smack the older boy.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” the elder says and Kibum thinks it is typical of Jonghyun to pretend to be foolish just to spare him the agony.
“No, I have to. I really… It was stupid. I never should’ve done that. I just…” The rest never leaves his mouth but they both know what he’s about to say.
He just wanted to hurt Jinki. He just wanted to prove to himself that he would be able to. Because only then could he prove that he really was able to hate him. Because only then could he at least lessen the guilt he felt for ending his parents’ lives. For choosing Jinki over them. For loving his cousin more than the people who gave him his life.
“Shhh… It’s okay baby. It’s all in the past now, right?” Jonghyun attempts to pacify him as Kibum bawls on the other boy’s neck.
“I’m really sorry. D-don’t hate me,” he ends lamely, not being able to let out the things he wants to say in the end.
“I can never hate you. You should know that by now,” Jonghyun replies sincerely.
And yes, Kibum knows. He knows and it only makes him more miserable because he knows that like Jonghyun, no matter how hard he tries to deny it to himself, he also can never hate Jinki. And it goes the same for the older boy. Kibum knows that whatever he does, Jinki will never hate him. And Jinki will always blame himself for what happened to them. And it makes Kibum miserable because as much as he wants to blame everything to Jinki, he doesn’t want the boy to blame himself for what he did. Because, in the end, even if he won’t admit it, all he wants is for Jinki to be happy. For the boy to smile again like he did all those years ago.
Kibum smiles bitterly as the thought crosses his mind. All he wants is for Jinki to find happiness, but all he does is the opposite, right?
He left Jinki. He left him so that he can save himself. He left Jinki alone to blame himself for what he did and then years after he steals the guy he loves. Kibum knows Jinki loves Jonghyun because he knows the elder boy more than anyone. And he loves Jonghyun too so it isn’t really difficult for him to discern. Even then, it is Jinki who reunited them. He is the one who stops Kibum from making another mistake in his life. In the end, it is still Jinki who suffers to make him happy.
Kibum lets himself cry until he doesn’t know anymore why he is. And maybe, he thinks, maybe someday he’ll stop thinking altogether. Perhaps someday he and Jinki will forgive themselves. Perhaps when the guilt has subsided, they can be their old selves again. Maybe Jinki is wrong. Maybe one day, they can still have each other back.
Maybe.
For now though, he has Jonghyun. He has him thanks to Jinki. And he will never let him go as long as Jonghyun still loves him because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone he loves again. And maybe that’s just him being a hypocrite. Because by being with Jonghyun, he knows he’s hurting Jinki.
Kibum looks up and Jonghyun smiles and gives him one of those uncharacteristically understanding gaze. Kibum buries his head on the shorter lad’s neck again and Jonghyun doesn’t stop stroking his back until he calms down completely.
Kibum thinks he should feel guilty, and he is. But as he looks up again and Jonghyun gives him another smile, he concludes that he can live with the guilt this time. He can because Jonghyun is there with him. And maybe that’s what he should’ve realized long ago. And Kibum stops at that because he doesn’t want to think about the past anymore. So he finally unwraps his arms from Jonghyun’s neck and returns the other’s smile, albeit with puffy eyes.
“Should we eat now princess?” Jonghyun teases, when he deems that it’s appropriate enough to do so.
He earns a hard smack from Kibum but the smile that curls up on the younger lad’s face is so worth it that Jonghyun isn’t able to stop and pushes his luck by annoying the other boy further, “I made everything extra pinkish and glittery so I’m sure Princess Kibum will definitely like them.”
Jonghyun regrets his decision afterwards when the cake he worked so hard for is shoved on his face.
•••
Everything underneath the sky, the moon is sunk in
Nothing seems to be the way it used to be
Except me who lost you
It’s been a year and Jinki knows it’s a lie if he says seeing Kibum with Jonghyun doesn’t make him feel the familiar twinge in his heart. Not that they see each other a lot- Jinki can easily count with his fingers all their encounters in the past year.
He still loved Jonghyun. And maybe that wouldn’t change in a few more years.
Or perhaps, never.
But Jinki doesn’t hate Kibum anymore. He probably never did, anyway.
Because for Jinki, Kibum is still that little boy who used to slip under his covers in the middle of the night and cuddled with him until the next morning whenever he had those nightmares.
Because for Jinki, Kibum is still the little kid who lied to everyone from their school and told them that Jinki was his elder brother when the words spread that his father was a crazy murderer who killed his wife and also tried to kill his son.
Because for Jinki, Kibum is still the 17-year-old boy who went to his bedroom in the middle of the night to apologize.
Apologize because from that night on, he didn’t have a choice but to hate Jinki.
•••
“Hyung,” the 7-year-old Kibum called out softly as he climbed to his cousin’s bed for the fifth time that week.
Jinki hummed to let the younger boy know he was listening, his back still on the smaller kid.
“Please don’t be sad anymore,” Kibum whispered as he wrapped his tiny arms around his cousin’s torso.
“I’ll always be here for you. And mom, and dad. We’ll be your new family. So don’t be sad anymore, okay?”
Jinki wanted to laugh, to scream at the little boy and tell him that those people whom he called family were the reason for his misery. But he didn't have the heart to. It wasn’t Kibum’s fault. And if there was something else in this world he treasured, it was the other boy.
He turned around and laid his eyes at the innocent face of the younger boy beside him. Kibum stared back, not having a clue of the inner turmoil in his cousin’s mind. Jinki smiled at him softly and wrapped his arms around the little boy as well.
“I won’t, I won’t,” he whispered to the younger’s ear.
Jinki started to stroke the other boy’s hair and Kibum finally smiled, “Good night, Hyung.”
“Good night, Kibum,” Jinki replied solemnly and caressed Kibum’s hair gently until the younger boy fell asleep.
A sigh weighs me down carefully
And won’t let me sleep
•••
A/N (2): Posting a story here after so long feels a little weird. Lmao.