[LOG - Communication Is A Good Thing]
Who: Lucci and Kaku
What: NOT PORN. Things that needed to be said. A serious conversation. Mostly.
Where: The Observation Deck
When: Some time last evening.
Lucci was apprehensive as he waited for Kaku to show up. This wouldn't be an easy conversation to have, in spite of several days of careful mental rehearsal, but Lucci knew that he was as prepared as he was ever going to be, and that they needed to talk about it. Putting it off would only make him feel worse.
Kaku arrived up in the observation deck not too long after having received Lucci's request, thinking it a bit odd that Lucci would request his audience over the internet rather than in person. He stepped into the room and paused, putting his hands in his pockets easily. He would have smiled warmly in greeting had the vibe in the room not been suddenly so...uneasy. His easy expression faded.
"Lucci? You wanted to talk to me?"
Leaning against a window partition with his arms crossed, careful to keep his pose casual rather than standoffish, Lucci looked up, the faint hint of a greeting smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "I apologize; I was too lazy to come and get you myself." He moved to sit down on a bench nearby. "Come here." He patted the seat next to him.
"Oh." Kaku didn't sound completely convinced, but it was an invitation, so quietly, he strode across the room and took a seat next to Lucci. This room...he remembered it well, for a few key reasons. Despite the easy nature of the greeting and the offer to have a seat, there was something odd here; Kaku couldn't figure out what it was, exactly, but...but perhaps he was thinking to hard on it.
"So, to what do I owe the pleasure?"
"Well." Lucci didn't presume to keep up the act of pleasantry. He knew that Kaku already felt something amiss. "We...should talk. It's important, I think." He paused, cleared his throat, and glanced at the door. "...I'll be honest: you won't like it."
Kaku felt his mood plummet instantly; he knew it was going to be bad. And here he'd thought everything had been cleared up for the moment. Frowning, Kaku scooted away a bit so that he could get a better eye on Lucci, and crossed his arms.
"Let's hear it then," he murmured, making sure to keep his tone steady. This could go one of many ways. It would simply be upsetting, it would be crushing, it could be infuriating...or any combination thereof.
Lucci very nearly winced at the unforgiving tone in Kaku's voice. "...Nothing has happened," he began, still looking ahead. "It's simply something that I ought to have addressed a long time ago, and never did. I thought that...since we agreed to communicate--" he cut himself off with a curt sigh. "Kaku, I am not a normal person. Typical human opinion is not something that applies to me at the best of times. As I'm sure you're aware."
"Yes, of course, I know," Kaku replied. He wasn't cold at all, because he could tell that Lucci was not finding this easy, but he knew that..at least for the moment, it would be best to keep his reactions neutral. There would be room for anger or frustration at a more appropriate time. "I wasn't accusing you of doing anything, but...it does make me wonder as to your train of thought. Please, go on."
"I wanted to get that out of the way, because it wouldn't sound very good otherwise, considering. I..." He paused, collecting his thoughts. "...Kaku, I don't understand monogamy. As a concept. I know what it is, obviously, and I practice it, but it doesn't make sense to me sometimes. I can't - I don't think that I can comprehend its purpose."
Kaku's even expression quickly shifted to confusion. Oh dear; this didn't bode well at all. Taking a few moments to consider what he'd just been told, he finally spoke.
"So you see no reason for such an ideal to exist?"
Lucci thought that over. "...I see a reason for it, in that I know that it makes people happy, sometimes. But it clearly makes many people unhappy as well, and yet it's enforced as a social norm. Of course, many things fit that description..." He shook his head slightly, and finally chanced a look in Kaku's direction. "What I'm trying to say is that...I am not one of those people to whom such a concept would ordinarily apply."
Kaku's jaw set, and he regarded Lucci carefully. "...Are you having second thoughts?" he asked after what seemed like a long time. "After all these months...years, even, considering." There was a bit of an edge to his voice, but only just. His expression was no longer confused; his brow was furrowed, and he was looking at Lucci intensely.
"No. That isn't what I mean. What I mean is that...I love you, and I want to be with you, and only you. I still want to be married to you and I always will, and everything I told you was true - I'm not going to desert you or go behind your back. Ever." He said it firmly, making sure that that was very clear. "...However. I..." He hesitated. "Kaku, haven't you ever been attracted to another person? Ever?"
Had he? Hm. It was a tough question. Before Lucci, he'd only ever dated a single girl, and after that discarded all notions of ever being with another person in lieu of his duty. "I've thought other people are attractive, but...Lucci, you know that before you, and even when we first got together, that I did not pay much attention to my sexuality. All that mattered to me was my duty, my training. You know that." He hated to say it, but he had a nasty feeling that he knew what Lucci was going to say.
"...I know that. But since we got together? Kaku, I--" He stopped, looked away, and then looked back as soon as he'd gotten a grip on what he was trying to say. "...I have been. I think you know that too."
"...Yes. Yes, I know." Kaku recalled that Lucci had said that nothing had happened, but that didn't detract from the growing insult, nor the pain that this obvious statement brought. He cast his eyes aside, focusing instead on the wall across from this.
"I just want you to understand what that means to me," said Lucci, gaining a bit of momentum now, "because I don't think that you understand my viewpoint, similar to the way I don't completely understand yours. ...Whenever I have been attracted to someone else, I--" He stopped. Perhaps he was going about this the wrong way. "...Kaku, I think that...in a way, I almost wish that you were attracted to someone else."
"Ehh?" Kaku's eyes were back on Lucci sharply; both startled and confused. "What? Why? Why would I want anyone else?" His eyes were wide and completely bemused, and yes, a bit hurt. Lucci was right, he did not understand his viewpoint, not at all.
"Because," said Lucci, before Kaku could go on, "I know that you love me, and that you are devoted to me, and that you want to be with me. I know it because you've told me and I trust you. For me, that is different from simple attraction - different from the physical aspect of a relationship. When I have sex with you, it's because I love you and want you and because it's fun, and I enjoy it because of what we have. But if you were, hypothetically, to be attracted to someone else...even to sleep with someone else...I would still know that you would be coming home to me. Because you are mine, and I am yours, and nothing and no one can change that." He looked very earnest, and incredibly hopeful that Kaku would understand.
Kaku listened to what Lucci said...it seemed that he was giving a lot of long pauses in this conversation. He understood the words that were coming out of Lucci's mouth, but the very idea...it was...it was ludicrous, wasn't it?
"So..." he began, slowly. "I'm supposed to understand that you would like to go and sleep with any random person you might be attracted to without barriers, while I wait at home like some faithful, pathetic housewife. Waiting for you to come home when you're bored of your other lover and ready to have me once again." There was a biting tone in his words. He narrowed his eyes. "Is that correct?"
For a second, Lucci almost didn't understand what Kaku was saying for the sheer bizarreness of it. He sat back a bit in alarm. "No, that - that isn't what I meant at all..."
But how else to say it? He didn't want things to work out that way. He didn't want to hurt Kaku, and he certainly didn't want to keep him like a pet. Only the words he wanted to use wouldn't seem to come. He looked down. "...Kaku. I don't - yes, all right, I would like to sleep with other people sometimes; there's no way to make that sound any nicer. But the fact of the matter is that I won't because I know that it would hurt you and that you don't want me to. I want for you to be happy, and I am happy with you exactly the way things are. I just - I only wanted for you to see things the way that I see them."
Kaku was still gritting his teeth a bit, but he kept himself calm so that they could struggle through this conversation. But now, he felt insulted; he knew that Lucci was attracted to other people at times; that was normal; Lucci didn't go blind after getting married. But that he would like to actually sleep with others at times? At the moment, Kaku didn't focus on the fact that Lucci wouldn't ever; he trusted him deeply enough to know that.
It was the fact that he wanted to.
"You'd be sorely disappointed," Kaku finally said, and stood up, putting his hands back in his pockets. He took a step, but kept his back to Lucci.
"...I'm sorry?" said Lucci. Disappointed in what?
Kaku looked over his shoulder.
"I...That I wouldn't be there when you returned. I understand what you're saying. But...I wouldn't be able to do it. It's not how..I can't separate the act from the emotion. I used to be able to, when I was younger. When I first wanted you. But then I fell in love, and that changed everything. And..." He took a breath, and tried to find his words. Then, he turned sharply and crossed his arms. He fixed Lucci with a firm look.
"There is no one you could ever sleep with who can give you what I have, and what I can. No one can ever, will ever measure up. You'll always find that something is lacking. No one will ever be as good as me."
"I--" Lucci was suddenly, viciously distracted by the faintly visible outline of a scar bitten deep into the curve of Kaku's neck. "...I know." Arrogant as that was, it was true - and Lucci had always liked Kaku's cocky attitude in the first place. He almost wanted to smirk at that, despite the woefully inappropriate nature of the situation. "You are absolutely right. But I don't--" He looked down, shaking his head slightly. "...I don't want you to think that I want or need something more. Or something else, for that matter. It's just...the way I am. I've always been this way. ...And for the record, you are not in the least excluded from any of this. I told you once about...you asked me about an unattainable fantasy that I might have..."
Kaku remained standing there for a moment, thinking. He did recall that particular fantasy...the kill during climax, while Kaku looked on. Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair and brought it to rest on the back of his neck.
"I'm not much of a voyeur, I'm afraid. I'd much rather be a part of the action," he murmured idly. "I understand, Lucci, that...for you, you can easily separate the two. Sex can be simply a gratifying physical act, or more, depending on the person you are with. I recall you saying that you have no intention of going behind my back, so..I'm not angry, really..." He paused. "A little insulted, I suppose, just because it did sound like...you sought after more when, clearly, there is nothing better." He made a quiet, wry sort of sound that might have been a chuckle.
"I know," Lucci said simply. "I...suppose that I can understand when you say it that way - that you can't separate..." He shrugged slightly, at a loss. "I think I know why you feel that way. But in general...it's confusing. I don't really know what else to say..."
"...I don't want to hold you back," Kaku finally said after another pause. He looked away as he said this. "I'm not here to keep you shackled, after all. It's a catch-22. Damned if I don't, and damned if I do." He sighed. "If I force you to remain monogamous, I fear that in time you will come to resent me. If I give in and let you go...I'm strong, Lucci. But I'm not that strong. Not here. Not with that."
"Kaku, I..." Lucci stood up, suddenly restless, and jammed his hands in his pockets. "You're my husband. I am not shackled. I asked you to marry me knowing how you felt. I will never resent you for that. Things change, but...not the way I feel about you." He sighed. "...But I don't know what to do, now. I wouldn't ask you to let me see other people, especially considering that you wouldn't want to as well, and I wouldn't presume to...invite someone else into what we have, either..."
"Wait wait." Kaku quickly put a hand up to stop Lucci. "Threesomes are completely different." His expression hadn't changed; he still looked serious as ever, though a bit more adamant. "You going off and sleeping with whomever you please without my consent or knowledge is one thing. That would result only in jealousy and...well, the end of all we've worked for. A three some, including me in this desire of yours...Lucci, I want you in any way I can get. That has never changed. And you know I'm always up for something new and interesting."
...To that, Lucci could only stand and look on in silence, eyes slightly wider than before. He opened his mouth, closed it again, and finally blinked once.
...Well, it hadn't been the reaction Kaku had been anticipating. Kaku stared at Lucci for a moment, slowly becoming more bemused. Had he said something wrong? Or that surprising? Never, in the nearly ten years he'd known Lucci, had he known the man to ever be speechless. Carefully, Kaku shifted to his other foot, and looked to the side.
"...What? Have I said something?"
"Yes, I'd say you have," Lucci muttered, after a moment. "...I apologize for my silence. I was...that was unexpected." He cleared his throat. "...Do you really mean that, or are you only saying it to appease me?"
"Have I ever said something to you that I didn't mean? When it counted, of course," Kaku replied, tilting his head to the side. "Why was it so unexpected?"
"...Well, because--" But Lucci couldn't exactly imagine why he would be surprised, aside from the fact that he had never seriously contemplated Kaku's reaction before. Oh, back when they had first gotten out into the real world, free of an institution that would put them to death for openly displaying their relationship, there had been an occasion or two on which Lucci had briefly considered asking Kaku about his feelings on the matter and what he thought of a particular person, but he had always assumed, after giving it a bit of thought, that it would be wisest to keep those thoughts to himself. Why? Why indeed...
"I'm honestly not sure," he said distantly. "I suppose that I thought it tied into that issue of jealousy..."
"It's hardly cheating if we're in it together," Kaku said. "I just...the thought of you alone with someone else like that brings up old urges I've tried to suppress." His fingers twitched where they were pressed against his biceps. "It's my only fear, you know." H e looked aside, ashamed at this admission.
"...I didn't know that," Lucci said quietly. "Do you...would you really think that I would..."
"I don't know. It's not that I'm insecure. I suppose it's a normal feeling a person gets when they get attached. Before, I knew that losing you was simply a reality. Now that this is no longer the case...Well, I've put everything I have into this. Doesn't the thought of my leaving permanently bother you?" Kaku recalled a moment not too long ago when he had left, though not for good. It had been hard...
"Of course it does. I hadn't thought it possible before recently..." It wasn't arrogance. He knew himself and Kaku and what they'd been through well enough to be sure of that. "When you did leave, I - it was difficult. Very difficult. I was...yes, I was afraid. That you wouldn't come back. The thought of you leaving me permanently...I couldn't do anything to jeopardize our relationship." He took a step closer. "Perhaps that's why I never thought to ask you..."
Lucci had been afraid? Upset, certainly, but...afraid? A myriad of emotion passed over Kaku's face in a second.
"You? Afraid?" Kaku's voice was quiet, contemplative. "...I'm sorry. Truly." He looked away for a moment, then quickly back to Lucci. "I understand that you brought this up because you want this to work. I do. Had you wanted otherwise, you wouldn't have gone through the trouble. But...if there is someone you might consider...talk to me. Perhaps we could work something out. I certainly don't want to hold you back..and besides..." The look in Kaku's eyes changed to one of abject sexuality, if only for a second. "I always want you. You know that, don't you? It's never far from my mind."
"...I do know. Trust me; I feel the same way." Lucci was confused - not by what Kaku had said, but by the way he had said it. It seemed that things were more or less worked out for the moment, that they had reached an agreement of sorts...but he couldn't decide whether it was appropriate to be turned on at the moment...
Suddenly, there was a moment of clarity. Kaku regarded Lucci for a moment as the realization slowly dawned on him...Lucci's desire for other partners...it didn't have to exclude him, did it? Lucci had said before about wishing to include Kaku in his fantasies...It was a somewhat empowering thought. They were partners, always had been and always would be. THis was another way...to enjoy each others' company.
"I had no idea that I oft appeared in your fantasies," he said after a moment. "Reality, of course. But even fantasy." A slightly smug look began to play on his lips; Lucci had been appearing in his fantasies for going on nine years, truth be told. He wondered if Lucci realized that or not.
"...Really? You didn't?" Lucci was surprised. "Kaku, I've been thinking about doing shockingly deviant things to you for almost eight years."
"Oh?" Now, Kaku was intrigued. He took a step closer, looking innocently inquisitive. It was an easy ruse to see through. "How deviant are we talking?"
"Oh, there's no end to it," Lucci said, the casual nature of it almost exaggerated. "Of course, I've done most of them by now, but that hardly stops me thinking about it." He smirked.
"Ah, I see. Of course," Kaku said, nodding his head in understanding. "I suppose one more can be added to your list, then." He chuckled and finally uncrossed his arms, letting his hands slide into his pockets. He took a very casual stance, though, to a trained eye, he was poised and ready. "I'm...thankful we seem to have worked out this to a mutual understanding. But!" He put a finger up suddenly in an exaggerated fashion, and smirked. "Under no circumstances whatsoever are you allowed to want anyone else more than me. Are we clear?"
"Absolutely," Lucci said. "I can't imagine it." And he really couldn't; there was no comparison.
What: NOT PORN. Things that needed to be said. A serious conversation. Mostly.
Where: The Observation Deck
When: Some time last evening.
Lucci was apprehensive as he waited for Kaku to show up. This wouldn't be an easy conversation to have, in spite of several days of careful mental rehearsal, but Lucci knew that he was as prepared as he was ever going to be, and that they needed to talk about it. Putting it off would only make him feel worse.
Kaku arrived up in the observation deck not too long after having received Lucci's request, thinking it a bit odd that Lucci would request his audience over the internet rather than in person. He stepped into the room and paused, putting his hands in his pockets easily. He would have smiled warmly in greeting had the vibe in the room not been suddenly so...uneasy. His easy expression faded.
"Lucci? You wanted to talk to me?"
Leaning against a window partition with his arms crossed, careful to keep his pose casual rather than standoffish, Lucci looked up, the faint hint of a greeting smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "I apologize; I was too lazy to come and get you myself." He moved to sit down on a bench nearby. "Come here." He patted the seat next to him.
"Oh." Kaku didn't sound completely convinced, but it was an invitation, so quietly, he strode across the room and took a seat next to Lucci. This room...he remembered it well, for a few key reasons. Despite the easy nature of the greeting and the offer to have a seat, there was something odd here; Kaku couldn't figure out what it was, exactly, but...but perhaps he was thinking to hard on it.
"So, to what do I owe the pleasure?"
"Well." Lucci didn't presume to keep up the act of pleasantry. He knew that Kaku already felt something amiss. "We...should talk. It's important, I think." He paused, cleared his throat, and glanced at the door. "...I'll be honest: you won't like it."
Kaku felt his mood plummet instantly; he knew it was going to be bad. And here he'd thought everything had been cleared up for the moment. Frowning, Kaku scooted away a bit so that he could get a better eye on Lucci, and crossed his arms.
"Let's hear it then," he murmured, making sure to keep his tone steady. This could go one of many ways. It would simply be upsetting, it would be crushing, it could be infuriating...or any combination thereof.
Lucci very nearly winced at the unforgiving tone in Kaku's voice. "...Nothing has happened," he began, still looking ahead. "It's simply something that I ought to have addressed a long time ago, and never did. I thought that...since we agreed to communicate--" he cut himself off with a curt sigh. "Kaku, I am not a normal person. Typical human opinion is not something that applies to me at the best of times. As I'm sure you're aware."
"Yes, of course, I know," Kaku replied. He wasn't cold at all, because he could tell that Lucci was not finding this easy, but he knew that..at least for the moment, it would be best to keep his reactions neutral. There would be room for anger or frustration at a more appropriate time. "I wasn't accusing you of doing anything, but...it does make me wonder as to your train of thought. Please, go on."
"I wanted to get that out of the way, because it wouldn't sound very good otherwise, considering. I..." He paused, collecting his thoughts. "...Kaku, I don't understand monogamy. As a concept. I know what it is, obviously, and I practice it, but it doesn't make sense to me sometimes. I can't - I don't think that I can comprehend its purpose."
Kaku's even expression quickly shifted to confusion. Oh dear; this didn't bode well at all. Taking a few moments to consider what he'd just been told, he finally spoke.
"So you see no reason for such an ideal to exist?"
Lucci thought that over. "...I see a reason for it, in that I know that it makes people happy, sometimes. But it clearly makes many people unhappy as well, and yet it's enforced as a social norm. Of course, many things fit that description..." He shook his head slightly, and finally chanced a look in Kaku's direction. "What I'm trying to say is that...I am not one of those people to whom such a concept would ordinarily apply."
Kaku's jaw set, and he regarded Lucci carefully. "...Are you having second thoughts?" he asked after what seemed like a long time. "After all these months...years, even, considering." There was a bit of an edge to his voice, but only just. His expression was no longer confused; his brow was furrowed, and he was looking at Lucci intensely.
"No. That isn't what I mean. What I mean is that...I love you, and I want to be with you, and only you. I still want to be married to you and I always will, and everything I told you was true - I'm not going to desert you or go behind your back. Ever." He said it firmly, making sure that that was very clear. "...However. I..." He hesitated. "Kaku, haven't you ever been attracted to another person? Ever?"
Had he? Hm. It was a tough question. Before Lucci, he'd only ever dated a single girl, and after that discarded all notions of ever being with another person in lieu of his duty. "I've thought other people are attractive, but...Lucci, you know that before you, and even when we first got together, that I did not pay much attention to my sexuality. All that mattered to me was my duty, my training. You know that." He hated to say it, but he had a nasty feeling that he knew what Lucci was going to say.
"...I know that. But since we got together? Kaku, I--" He stopped, looked away, and then looked back as soon as he'd gotten a grip on what he was trying to say. "...I have been. I think you know that too."
"...Yes. Yes, I know." Kaku recalled that Lucci had said that nothing had happened, but that didn't detract from the growing insult, nor the pain that this obvious statement brought. He cast his eyes aside, focusing instead on the wall across from this.
"I just want you to understand what that means to me," said Lucci, gaining a bit of momentum now, "because I don't think that you understand my viewpoint, similar to the way I don't completely understand yours. ...Whenever I have been attracted to someone else, I--" He stopped. Perhaps he was going about this the wrong way. "...Kaku, I think that...in a way, I almost wish that you were attracted to someone else."
"Ehh?" Kaku's eyes were back on Lucci sharply; both startled and confused. "What? Why? Why would I want anyone else?" His eyes were wide and completely bemused, and yes, a bit hurt. Lucci was right, he did not understand his viewpoint, not at all.
"Because," said Lucci, before Kaku could go on, "I know that you love me, and that you are devoted to me, and that you want to be with me. I know it because you've told me and I trust you. For me, that is different from simple attraction - different from the physical aspect of a relationship. When I have sex with you, it's because I love you and want you and because it's fun, and I enjoy it because of what we have. But if you were, hypothetically, to be attracted to someone else...even to sleep with someone else...I would still know that you would be coming home to me. Because you are mine, and I am yours, and nothing and no one can change that." He looked very earnest, and incredibly hopeful that Kaku would understand.
Kaku listened to what Lucci said...it seemed that he was giving a lot of long pauses in this conversation. He understood the words that were coming out of Lucci's mouth, but the very idea...it was...it was ludicrous, wasn't it?
"So..." he began, slowly. "I'm supposed to understand that you would like to go and sleep with any random person you might be attracted to without barriers, while I wait at home like some faithful, pathetic housewife. Waiting for you to come home when you're bored of your other lover and ready to have me once again." There was a biting tone in his words. He narrowed his eyes. "Is that correct?"
For a second, Lucci almost didn't understand what Kaku was saying for the sheer bizarreness of it. He sat back a bit in alarm. "No, that - that isn't what I meant at all..."
But how else to say it? He didn't want things to work out that way. He didn't want to hurt Kaku, and he certainly didn't want to keep him like a pet. Only the words he wanted to use wouldn't seem to come. He looked down. "...Kaku. I don't - yes, all right, I would like to sleep with other people sometimes; there's no way to make that sound any nicer. But the fact of the matter is that I won't because I know that it would hurt you and that you don't want me to. I want for you to be happy, and I am happy with you exactly the way things are. I just - I only wanted for you to see things the way that I see them."
Kaku was still gritting his teeth a bit, but he kept himself calm so that they could struggle through this conversation. But now, he felt insulted; he knew that Lucci was attracted to other people at times; that was normal; Lucci didn't go blind after getting married. But that he would like to actually sleep with others at times? At the moment, Kaku didn't focus on the fact that Lucci wouldn't ever; he trusted him deeply enough to know that.
It was the fact that he wanted to.
"You'd be sorely disappointed," Kaku finally said, and stood up, putting his hands back in his pockets. He took a step, but kept his back to Lucci.
"...I'm sorry?" said Lucci. Disappointed in what?
Kaku looked over his shoulder.
"I...That I wouldn't be there when you returned. I understand what you're saying. But...I wouldn't be able to do it. It's not how..I can't separate the act from the emotion. I used to be able to, when I was younger. When I first wanted you. But then I fell in love, and that changed everything. And..." He took a breath, and tried to find his words. Then, he turned sharply and crossed his arms. He fixed Lucci with a firm look.
"There is no one you could ever sleep with who can give you what I have, and what I can. No one can ever, will ever measure up. You'll always find that something is lacking. No one will ever be as good as me."
"I--" Lucci was suddenly, viciously distracted by the faintly visible outline of a scar bitten deep into the curve of Kaku's neck. "...I know." Arrogant as that was, it was true - and Lucci had always liked Kaku's cocky attitude in the first place. He almost wanted to smirk at that, despite the woefully inappropriate nature of the situation. "You are absolutely right. But I don't--" He looked down, shaking his head slightly. "...I don't want you to think that I want or need something more. Or something else, for that matter. It's just...the way I am. I've always been this way. ...And for the record, you are not in the least excluded from any of this. I told you once about...you asked me about an unattainable fantasy that I might have..."
Kaku remained standing there for a moment, thinking. He did recall that particular fantasy...the kill during climax, while Kaku looked on. Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair and brought it to rest on the back of his neck.
"I'm not much of a voyeur, I'm afraid. I'd much rather be a part of the action," he murmured idly. "I understand, Lucci, that...for you, you can easily separate the two. Sex can be simply a gratifying physical act, or more, depending on the person you are with. I recall you saying that you have no intention of going behind my back, so..I'm not angry, really..." He paused. "A little insulted, I suppose, just because it did sound like...you sought after more when, clearly, there is nothing better." He made a quiet, wry sort of sound that might have been a chuckle.
"I know," Lucci said simply. "I...suppose that I can understand when you say it that way - that you can't separate..." He shrugged slightly, at a loss. "I think I know why you feel that way. But in general...it's confusing. I don't really know what else to say..."
"...I don't want to hold you back," Kaku finally said after another pause. He looked away as he said this. "I'm not here to keep you shackled, after all. It's a catch-22. Damned if I don't, and damned if I do." He sighed. "If I force you to remain monogamous, I fear that in time you will come to resent me. If I give in and let you go...I'm strong, Lucci. But I'm not that strong. Not here. Not with that."
"Kaku, I..." Lucci stood up, suddenly restless, and jammed his hands in his pockets. "You're my husband. I am not shackled. I asked you to marry me knowing how you felt. I will never resent you for that. Things change, but...not the way I feel about you." He sighed. "...But I don't know what to do, now. I wouldn't ask you to let me see other people, especially considering that you wouldn't want to as well, and I wouldn't presume to...invite someone else into what we have, either..."
"Wait wait." Kaku quickly put a hand up to stop Lucci. "Threesomes are completely different." His expression hadn't changed; he still looked serious as ever, though a bit more adamant. "You going off and sleeping with whomever you please without my consent or knowledge is one thing. That would result only in jealousy and...well, the end of all we've worked for. A three some, including me in this desire of yours...Lucci, I want you in any way I can get. That has never changed. And you know I'm always up for something new and interesting."
...To that, Lucci could only stand and look on in silence, eyes slightly wider than before. He opened his mouth, closed it again, and finally blinked once.
...Well, it hadn't been the reaction Kaku had been anticipating. Kaku stared at Lucci for a moment, slowly becoming more bemused. Had he said something wrong? Or that surprising? Never, in the nearly ten years he'd known Lucci, had he known the man to ever be speechless. Carefully, Kaku shifted to his other foot, and looked to the side.
"...What? Have I said something?"
"Yes, I'd say you have," Lucci muttered, after a moment. "...I apologize for my silence. I was...that was unexpected." He cleared his throat. "...Do you really mean that, or are you only saying it to appease me?"
"Have I ever said something to you that I didn't mean? When it counted, of course," Kaku replied, tilting his head to the side. "Why was it so unexpected?"
"...Well, because--" But Lucci couldn't exactly imagine why he would be surprised, aside from the fact that he had never seriously contemplated Kaku's reaction before. Oh, back when they had first gotten out into the real world, free of an institution that would put them to death for openly displaying their relationship, there had been an occasion or two on which Lucci had briefly considered asking Kaku about his feelings on the matter and what he thought of a particular person, but he had always assumed, after giving it a bit of thought, that it would be wisest to keep those thoughts to himself. Why? Why indeed...
"I'm honestly not sure," he said distantly. "I suppose that I thought it tied into that issue of jealousy..."
"It's hardly cheating if we're in it together," Kaku said. "I just...the thought of you alone with someone else like that brings up old urges I've tried to suppress." His fingers twitched where they were pressed against his biceps. "It's my only fear, you know." H e looked aside, ashamed at this admission.
"...I didn't know that," Lucci said quietly. "Do you...would you really think that I would..."
"I don't know. It's not that I'm insecure. I suppose it's a normal feeling a person gets when they get attached. Before, I knew that losing you was simply a reality. Now that this is no longer the case...Well, I've put everything I have into this. Doesn't the thought of my leaving permanently bother you?" Kaku recalled a moment not too long ago when he had left, though not for good. It had been hard...
"Of course it does. I hadn't thought it possible before recently..." It wasn't arrogance. He knew himself and Kaku and what they'd been through well enough to be sure of that. "When you did leave, I - it was difficult. Very difficult. I was...yes, I was afraid. That you wouldn't come back. The thought of you leaving me permanently...I couldn't do anything to jeopardize our relationship." He took a step closer. "Perhaps that's why I never thought to ask you..."
Lucci had been afraid? Upset, certainly, but...afraid? A myriad of emotion passed over Kaku's face in a second.
"You? Afraid?" Kaku's voice was quiet, contemplative. "...I'm sorry. Truly." He looked away for a moment, then quickly back to Lucci. "I understand that you brought this up because you want this to work. I do. Had you wanted otherwise, you wouldn't have gone through the trouble. But...if there is someone you might consider...talk to me. Perhaps we could work something out. I certainly don't want to hold you back..and besides..." The look in Kaku's eyes changed to one of abject sexuality, if only for a second. "I always want you. You know that, don't you? It's never far from my mind."
"...I do know. Trust me; I feel the same way." Lucci was confused - not by what Kaku had said, but by the way he had said it. It seemed that things were more or less worked out for the moment, that they had reached an agreement of sorts...but he couldn't decide whether it was appropriate to be turned on at the moment...
Suddenly, there was a moment of clarity. Kaku regarded Lucci for a moment as the realization slowly dawned on him...Lucci's desire for other partners...it didn't have to exclude him, did it? Lucci had said before about wishing to include Kaku in his fantasies...It was a somewhat empowering thought. They were partners, always had been and always would be. THis was another way...to enjoy each others' company.
"I had no idea that I oft appeared in your fantasies," he said after a moment. "Reality, of course. But even fantasy." A slightly smug look began to play on his lips; Lucci had been appearing in his fantasies for going on nine years, truth be told. He wondered if Lucci realized that or not.
"...Really? You didn't?" Lucci was surprised. "Kaku, I've been thinking about doing shockingly deviant things to you for almost eight years."
"Oh?" Now, Kaku was intrigued. He took a step closer, looking innocently inquisitive. It was an easy ruse to see through. "How deviant are we talking?"
"Oh, there's no end to it," Lucci said, the casual nature of it almost exaggerated. "Of course, I've done most of them by now, but that hardly stops me thinking about it." He smirked.
"Ah, I see. Of course," Kaku said, nodding his head in understanding. "I suppose one more can be added to your list, then." He chuckled and finally uncrossed his arms, letting his hands slide into his pockets. He took a very casual stance, though, to a trained eye, he was poised and ready. "I'm...thankful we seem to have worked out this to a mutual understanding. But!" He put a finger up suddenly in an exaggerated fashion, and smirked. "Under no circumstances whatsoever are you allowed to want anyone else more than me. Are we clear?"
"Absolutely," Lucci said. "I can't imagine it." And he really couldn't; there was no comparison.