[A Captured Dream] --- [Kirk and Bones]
(OOC: Listen to this while reading this and your heart will shatter just that bit more.)
The sound of the ocean filled his ears. It was familiar and beautiful, etched with the cries of sea birds in the distance. A slow deep breath filled his nose with the scents of saltwater and sand, of sun and Bones. The last one made him open his eyes, looking around from where he was laying. His heart immediately throbbed as he realized exactly where he was - back on Risa, in their cabin, wrapped in the warm confines of the sheets that had not yet forgotten the warmth of a second human body. Kirk slipped out of the sheets, feeling their familiar texture, feeling the coolness of floorboards beneath his feet. He was nude, which was how he had woken up every single morning of Risa, and could feel the sun eeking out through their sheer curtains and covering his body. He could remember laying in the sand, snuggled warm and safe without a care in the world.
"...Bones?" He called out quietly, not seeing his friend. No sound of the running shower, no sound from the kitchen. Maybe Bones had went into town? Kirk stood up and gave a slow stretch that showed off every inch of his toned, tanned body before scratching his ribs, running a hand through his hair, and working his way out into the living room. With a look around not immediately revealing Bones, he was just about to head into the kitchen to make himself breakfast when he caught a glimpse of something out on the beach. A grin pulled at the corner of his lips when he saw the doctor standing in the surf at the edge of their beach wearing only a pair of loose pants.
The sand was just as he remembered under his feet, oh so warm and clean, and the sun was the same. Kirk walked up to Bones, studying his friend in silence.
Bones looked exhausted, absolutely exhausted. There was a heavy stubble on his cheeks and chin, speaking of several days of not shaving, just like it had been on Risa. There was a sadness in his eyes that made Kirk's chin come up, made memory flare up in his mind. This is a dream. It was a sudden realization that came like a bolt of lightning. He was dreaming of Risa and Bones and escaping what was happening in the waking world.
It brought a cold shudder that ran the whole length of his body.
"Bones."
Maybe Bones could sense him because there was no slight jump like Kirk was expecting, just a tilt of the head in his direction. Fuck, Bones was beautiful. Those eyes could always sear him when they looked like that, wet and dark and needing. So Kirk just responded to it and immediately wrapped his arms around his friend, his everything, and sighed against the back of his neck. Not another word was said for some length of time, just the two of them standing against each other, so close and Kirk could feel Bones' heartbeat against his arms...
But he didn't know how long he was going to have, so he had things Bones needed to hear, "If I tell you something here, you promise to forget it when you wake up but keep it in your heart?" Something he had never hold anyone in his life, something he was regretting every second not having told Bones. Bones turned in his arms to face him, and their eyes met. Bones was silent still, so silent that Kirk was starting to wonder if the doctor had even heard him. Then Bones gave a very small nod, obviously waiting for more. Kirk's throat closed, trying to keep down the words that led to pain, that led to suffering, that led to broken homes and broken hearts. This was the sort of thing that he was fucking terrible at.
So Kirk took the bull by the horns as he usually did, squared his shoulders up, and spoke bluntly and honestly, "...I love you, Leonard McCoy. No matter who else comes along, no matter what happens, no matter if I don't make it out of this or don't make it out whole... I do."
The first place Kirk saw a change was in Bones' eyes. A joy that lit them up, that made his own heart stop to witness. He barely felt the cool hands that came up to either side of his face and held him in place so their lips could meet in a soft, tender kiss. Bones' words were whispered against his lips, soft and tickling, "Come home to me, Jim. I love you so much. Don't need any of it but you."
Kirk laid their foreheads together, sharing the same breathing space, "...I need you to promise me something, Bones."
There was a trickle of fingers through his hair as one long fingered hand cradled the back of his head, keeping them in that position. "Yeah?"
"...If... I'm not me when I get back, I need you to handle it, okay? No one else knows me." The words were sloppy, but Kirk only hoped their meaning could be divined.
"If you're not you... Jim?" Bones pulled back slightly, enough that his eyes could roam over Kirk's face, studying, serious. A surgeon's hand came over Kirk's forehead as if testing his temperature, then caressed along the hairline, moving over the temple, then their eyes met again. "What the hell is happening to you over there, baby...?"
Immediately, Kirk knew it was a question he couldn't answer. He couldn't tell Bones, couldn't add real truth and fact as fuel to the nightmare. The imagination couldn't come up with something as terrible as the truth in this situation. "...I can't tell you, Bones. It'll make you have nightmares." His hand came up to stroke the back of Bones' neck. "...I'm sorry."
When Bones suddenly moved and grabbed his shoulders, Kirk had to fight back a flinch. Guilt echoed through him as he realized Bones was shaking. Doctors, surgeons, didn't shake. They had to be steady, no matter the situation. Their eyes didn't meet. "Okay, I promise... I'll handle whatever happens, I'm gonna fix whatever or whoever comes back, because you're always gonna be my Jim, my best friend, my love, and I'm gonna make you better, I swear to fucking God." Bones tilted his chin up so their eyes locked, his tone so serious, "But I need you to promise me one thing too."
Words poured out like water, almost a babble despite the serious tone that Kirk was using, "...What if this is something you can't make better? What if it isn't the Jim you love that comes back?" He swallowed, forcing out the last words, "...What do you want me to promise?"
"I'm gonna take care of you, Jim, no matter what..." Fingers laced together on one hand, strong and steady, "You asked me to handle it... what do you mean? Like you want me to treat you? Figure out what's wrong? Or just not be broken when you come back and don't love me anymore?"
That, that, made Kirk wince, made his eyes drop away. He could be brave and bold and fearless and a leader, but here in this place he felt like absolutely not one of those things. He felt like a stupid, scared child trying to play the hero. It was not something he was familiar with feeling. "Nothing, no matter how I act or don't act or whatever will make me stop loving you, dammit. If I'm a drooling idiot, kill me. If I'm shattered, put me back together. If I'm as emotionless as Spock claims to be..." Words choked him, "Find someone who can love you properly."
Bones shook his head at that, "This is it for me, Jim. It's gonna be you or no one." Their linked hands shifted, and Bones pressed Kirk's palm over his heart. It beat strong and sure; was he going to end up shattering it? "So this is what you are going to promise me - that you aren't going to stop fighting. You were busted up from fighting the day I met your scrawny ass, and if there's one thing you are good at it's scrapping and getting beaten and broken and standing back up and taking it again." The grip on his hand tightened, "So you take whatever they are throwing at you and you fight, and you live, and you wait for us to come get you and bring you back to me. Promise me you won't stop fighting 'til you see me holding you."
It was too much. He didn't know how to tell Bones everything that was happening, how terrified he was down deep. His body was shattering under alien hands, he didn't know if his father was alive anymore. This, at least, was something to hold onto. A promise. Kirk licked his lips, tasting salt there, "...Until you're holding me. I can stop fighting then?" His hands were shaking, or maybe it was Bones.
"When you see me," Bones' free hand came up and cupped his cheek. A thumb stroked under his eye, "When you feel me, you can let go and let me take care of you." Kirk watched Bones' throat hitch, lips part, then shut, as if he couldn't speak. When Bones finally did again, Kirk could feel the doctor's voice break as much as he heard it, "But until then, you gotta fight as hard as you can, take whatever nasty shit they throw at you. You're the bravest fuckin' bastard I've ever met, and I know you can do it."
Kirk leaned forward, resting their cheeks together. When he finally summed up enough energy to speak again, it was faint, "I'll fight. Just for you, kay? Just keep yourself together because if you're broken, I can't fix you. I promise I'll fight."
Maybe it was the wrong thing to say because Bones hissed through his teeth and his words were strong, "Don't you fucking worry about me, Jim. Not a thought in your head but staying alive, I mean it. I trust you to do this." Then, all at once, he was being hugged. Strong, so strong arms were wrapping around him, holding him so tightly, and a voice was whispering in his ear, "You've never let anyone beat you, Jim. Don't fuckin' start now..."
The sun that was caressing over them both was nothing at all compared to the warmth coming from the man pressed against him. Kirk shuddered, his arms hanging loose at his sides for a moment before moving like a marionette, wrapping around Bones and holding onto him with every bit of his strength, painfully hard. "Gotta worry 'bout you because no one else will if I don't." He growled as he pressed his face against Bones' shoulder, next words muffled, "They won't beat me. They won't."
Bones spoke into Kirk's hair, "Damn straight they won't beat you. You're Jim Kirk, and I love you, so fucking much, and you're coming home to me. I know you are." They couldn't get any closer, holding onto each other so tight. It stopped being Bones and Jim but instead one being stood there on the beach. "Don't forget this when you wake up..."
"That's all that's gonna get me home to you." Kirk whispered, rocking just a little like a child in a nightmare. "Is knowing you're waiting for me. Not the captain, but for stupid old Jim." A weak laugh bubbled out of him, and when he breathed in, the painfully familiar scent rolled over him, "I swear I can smell you..."
Bones held him through his rocking and groaned quietly by his ear. Not a sound of lust, but one of a deep ache, "But doncha know? Grumpy old Bones loves stupid old Jim... needs him." Their heads tilted together, and their lips met. The kiss was almost brutal in its intensity, trying to pour out things that could not be said in words. It left them both breathless and panting and bruised. Foreheads met again as they breathed the same breath, as time slowed and stopped, distilling. "...You need anything right now? Anything from me at all. All of me is yours, Jim."
Kirk sucked in a breath, his eyes glittering in the low bits of sunlight that crept between them, "Just want my grumpy old Bones right now. That's all. Just you."
"...You've always had that, Jim. From that first night, you had me."
"...don't know when they'll wake me up. Don't know... I can't focus out of here. Dad's here, Bones. I heard him screaming, then... then nothing..." His voice cracked.
"He's a strong son of a bitch. Both of you are. Hang on, we're coming. Just don't give up." Bones reinforced his words with a tiny shake of Kirk's body.
Silence, then so softly, "Do they even know where we are, yet? Who took us?" He had to ask, had to know the truth.
The truth was denied to him. It was only a dream, after all. "Shhhh - don't worry about that. You've got one job - stay alive, fight, live."
There was one last real thing that he had to tell Bones. Something that he didn't want to say, but needed Bones to know. Why was he telling a dream? "Bones, I can't... make you promise me you won't fall apart if... if I don't come back." A hard, honest truth that tore his mouth up like razor blades to say, "Just promise me you'll settle everything first? Make sure the ship's got a good CMO, you tell your pretty little girl you love her." He could see wetness beading in Bones' eyes as the doctor started to blink fast to hide them, then finally had to look away, "I'm gonna fight every fucking step, Bones. Don't ever ever believe otherwise. I just... fuck."
"That's... that's my boy." Bones whispered, moving to press the bridge of his nose against Kirk's neck. "When you wake up, you remember this - I love you, Jim. Always belonged to you."
"Promise I'll remember. Remember this smell," Kirk took a deep breath, trying to commit it to memory, "Remember your voice, remember you."
Bones shifted, his voice only a whisper that barely carried above the sea behind them, "Yours." And they were kissing again, soft and tender and sweet, things they rarely had time to be in the waking world. Bones was pulling at his lips until they parted, tongue slipping inside his mouth all slow and tasting, teasing. Kirk wanted it, needed it, the taste he'll remember for the rest of his life. The feel of the first person who's ever really given a fuck about him and visa versa. So he held on, not letting go, never letting go. They kissed, they touched, memorizing every little thing - touch, sounds, the feeling of the other in their arms. The way Kirk shifted and moved like the water near them, the way Bones was strong and steady as stone in the face of the storm.
They pulled closer, just a moment, a single being, then drew away. They could not hold each other forever like they couldn't keep the tide from leaving, so they hold on as long as they can. Kirk wished, more then anything, he had said everything he had meant to Bones before this. This was just a dream. He knew he'll going to wake up, he'll remember all of this, but Bones would never know. But... he'll fight. Kirk promised, to a ghost or not, he promised. So he'll remember, and he'll dream, because dreaming was better than waking.
*****
Bones sat straight up, his body wracked with pain. Trying to catch his breath as if he'd run a race, his chest heaved as he looked around the room. Jim's side of the bed was empty, cold, as it had been when he'd fallen into it, exhausted. But he'd been there with him... could still feel him. Could remember... water, the beach. Their beach.
Then it was gone, like water through his fingers. Screwing his eyes shut, Bones tried hard to remember -it was right there, on the edge of his thoughts... what did he say? Where was he? What was happening?
Fuck! Bones found a datapad on the night table and threw it across the room as hard as he could, hearing it crash against the wall as he fell back into bed, pulling Jim's pillow over his face, and lay there sleepless until morning.