(no subject)
The clouds look pink from the sun set. I don't like sunsets, I think i might be the only person in the world who doesn't like sunsets. I am bad, i bum a cigarette from Kiki and she lights it for me. Maybe i just get to attached to everything, including the sun, and i can't stand to see it leave me everyday. This might also explain why i get so sad in the winter. I love the sun, I also love the moon, so im not going to jump off the roof because the sun is leaving. I feel cheated when the moon rises while the sun is still in the middle of the sky.
I inhale the poison smoke, i feel guilty. I can't help it, im stupid and i have nothing to do with my hands. Kiki tells me a look fabulous tonight and i thank her.
"God, it's about time you got away from that Malik, jesus" she says and pushes her bangs out of her face. Kiki has a very lovely face with rosy cheeks and green eyes like grass in spring, she always looks raidiant, which isn't a good word, a better word is "clean" she always looks so clean. her hair is always a shiny chestnut brown, her hands are always creamy white and her nails always perfectly painted. She would be perfectly lovely if it weren't for her big teeth. It's a shame, because it just messes up her whole face. I love her though. Even though she gets me in trouble.
"What do you mean?" I respond. I examine the label on the cigarette a little gold camel trots around the filter.
"Well, it's like he owns you, he's always keeping you at home and stuff, you know. Don't you think he's controlling?"
"No, i don't know what you mean"
"Jesus Aiko, nevermind, im just glad we're chillin' on this fine afternoon" she says and leans back on the bench and inhales from her cigarette deeply, cooly. She blows the smoke up and smiles at me. I smile back, there are things people will never understand. There is something about me no one will understand.
I go home to Malik after an upsetting sunset with Kiki. She drops me off and i try to sneak in back so i can change my clothes and shower so i don't get in trouble. Malik isn't home yet from work and i take a long hot shower and put on my house clothes. A comfortable skirt and a black tee shirt, nothing i would wear outside the house, but not quite bed clothes. I brush my teeth and put my clothes in the wash. I even have time to start dinner before Malik comes home. He hugs me from behind while i cut up potatos for mashed potatoes, He turns around and gives me a kiss. A very long loving one and i smile and laugh.
"Hey Aiko, what's happenin!" He says happily like He does everyday when He comes home from work.
"Just making dinner, hows herbed chicken breasts with garlic mashed potatos sound?"
"delicious, you need help?"
"No Sir, im almost done preparing. Thank you though, is there anything i can get you now?"
"Uh, im gonna go change, can you get me a coke?"
"Yep"
"What?"
"Yes sir" i catch myself and He grins and kisses my forhead.
"have you been smoking?" I have no idea how He knows. I hesitate to answer. "I can smell it in your hair, don't lie Aiko, because i'll know"
"Yes, i have been. I'm sorry" I know i don't sound sincere enough.
"Well, just bring me a coke in the living room." He says his casual tone gone now. He turns to the door and dissapears into the hallway. My heart sinks.
I met Malik at a show. A show is like a party where you dont have to talk to people, and there is music and slam dancing. Slam dancing is my favorite, i do it every week. I am the self-proclaimed slam-master, also, i am a slam-poet but that's off topic. Malik is tall and lean but strong. He's got long fingers and ink-black hair that He keeps casually cut. That means, not a conservitve short cut, but not surfer scruffy. When i met him He was going to do a beer run for Kiki and me and He told me to come with him to help him get the right stuff. He was 22, i was 16. I got into his old BMW, so old it looked more of a joke that a transportation device.
It was comfortable in the inside and He drove slowly and safely. I wondered if He was drunk and i asked. He smiled and said He wasn't, but i'd never seen a 22 year old drive safely without being intoxicated. I wasn't very trusting at the time and i didn't belive him. But it wasn't the first time i had ridden in a car with a drunken driver so i wasn't too worried. I was much more interested in him than his driving anyway. He has this low hiss of a voice and would talk to me like a child. No, that's not the right word, like a sub-orinate, like a lower ranking officer. I dont know the word. I didn't mind, and wouldn't have called him out of it either because He was, after all, buying me liqour for no charge.
When we got the liquor store, i asked him to buy a pack of cigarettes too. He wouldn't. When we got back I got drunk and He drove me to his apartment where i slept on the floor with his three cats. In the morning He put me on his bed and nursed my hangover with a smile. He was the weirdest person i had ever met.
"AIKO!" He yells from other side of the flat, i quickly grab a coke before hurrying to meet him.
"Yes sir?" i say handing him the red can,
"It's about time, what was taking you so long?"
"i must have been daydreaming, im sorry."
"I know, it's alright. Are you almost done, I'd like to watch TV with you"
"Almost, ill be back shortly"
"Okay"
We never really dated. I would walk to his apartment after school and nap on his bed until He got home. We'd hang out, play video games, drink and fool around. He would go never very far with me, never nearly as far as i wanted. He told me He loved me, and would hold me and undress me and buy me things, all the things men do when they want to fuck you. But He wouldn't.
"Not until you're older" He told me smiling, holding me close.
"I'm older now" I said and He laughed
"Not until you're legal Aiko!" He clairfied. Aiko wasn't my name before i met him. Aiko means little love.
The night i turned 18 i was so excited. I hadn't had sex in two years! but it wasn't a big problem because i always felt loved, which is all a girl really wants from sex anyway. Two years is a long time none-the-less and i remember wearing a very "convient" outfit. Convient here means easy to get off. Malik took me out and made me a card and took me to a porn shop and got me a video-rental card at four-star. It was lovely and that night i layed in his bed as He got ready to sleep. every other night i'd all ready be snoring on my futon on the floor but i assumed He'd want me up here.
I almost cried when He told me to get on my bed.
I mash sauteed garlic into the fluffy shite potatos and leave it warmed in the kitchen as the chicken continues to bake inthe oven. I wash my hands and join Malik in the living room. He is watching the Simpsons, it's the one where Bart and Lisa get a pool and Bart breaks his leg and Lisa becomes popular. Not one of my favorites but also not a bad one. I sit down on the floor next to the chair He's sitting on and wrap my arm around one of his legs. I like the floor, it's warm and comforable, Malik pulls on one of my braids and i look at him.
"just playing" He says and i look back at the screen. He procedes to pull at my two thick black braids making my head nod left to right. I laugh and ask him to quit. He drops the braids and pulls me up to my feet and on my lap.
"So what did you do today Bad Aiko?" He reminds me of my sin. My shame is worse than anything He could call me, or any blow He could land.
"I went downtown with Kiki, we people-watched and the sun set"
"Kiki gave you the cigarette then?"
"Yep- sir" I admit.
"And you know i told you not to smoke anymore, that you will die if you smoke. That you have heart problems, that you wont be able to breath, that you will die of lung cancer, that your nails will turn yellow, that your beautiful toffee skin wont glow.
"I know. I am sorry, it is hard"
"It is hard, but you've been through much harder, this is nothing..." He says and drifts off into though, He then stares right into my eyes. His dark eyes burn shame into mine and i am sorry, i would do anything to make it right. I feel i whould cut my arm off just to feel the pain, and that the pain would match my shame and replace it. I know how to handle pain. My eyes drift to the triangle scars on my palm, and my arm.
"This is nothing, maybe your becoming weak"
"No! im sorry, im sorry!" i begin to sob
In the morning of the first day of my 18th year i woke Malik up. I had waited all night, unable to sleep with my rage, sadness. I thought He must think me ugly, He must think im not worthy to fuck, He must tell me He loves me because He is cruel. He must buy me things because He thinks it's funny. He must look at my body with secret disgust. He had no other reasons to deny me, at least i thought. That morning i woke him up and demanded to know why. It was the first and last thing i demanded of him.
"Aiko, I love you. And yes, i told you it was because you weren't legal. But i can't make love to you yet because you are not ready." He told me, which was the truth, i thought everything was a game. I hadn't grown up. I couldn't have handled what Malik was going to give me, i was weak. Of course at the time i didn't understand.
"I'm not ready! Hello! I've had sex before Malik, i think i'd know if i was ready." I said with such indigation im embarrassed to think of it now.
"I know you are, honey, it's okay." He says and kisses my forhead, then my lips. I bury my head in his shoulder and i feel so happy. His forgiveness makes my heart swell with joy and the comfort and security of his shoulder makes me smile. I stay in his arm for a couple of minutes, reflecting on how bad it was of me to smoke, and how i shouldn't let Kiki even have cigarettes around me. I know im smarter than that, i know there is no exuse for me. I frown and start crying when i think of dying, having cancer. Malik watches the end of the Simpsons.
We eat dinner uneventfully. He tells me about working at the design studio, how they are starting a new office building for a bunch of dentists. It's all boring but i listen intently anyway. I find that even if what he's saying is boring, he never says it in a dull way. His hiss voice seems to ebb and flow, he dramatizes things for me and makes the kind of jokes i like.
He cleans up the table and i load the dishwasher as he takes a shower. I change into my pajamas and wait for him next the to bed. I kneel ankles together, it's a comfortable postion. I try to meditiate, and listen to the rainy sound of the shower.
Well into my 18th year Malik and i had been through a lot. My mother had died shortly after my 18 th birthday and 7 months alater i finally broke free of the depression that fallowed her death. During the time after my mother died Malik kept me off anti-depressants and any other drug. He wouldn't let me drink either. He gave me his love, support, he made me talk to him about it all day. It should have helped, i should have felt better. But it was like i didn't want to. It was like he was my enemy now, as was the rest of the world. I needed a release from the pain and grief and guilt that i always felt. I wanted to die most of the time, to ease the horrible pain i would cut triangles into my hands, and into my arms and my legs, deep ones, equallateral triangles. The pain of the cuts justified, made real, the pain in my heart and i could deal with that pain. The relief was temporary at best and came with a price.
One night i had cut to deep or something, i wanted to die. My mother being dead left such an emptyness in my heart i couldn't handle the horror of it anymore. I didn't want to die, I wanted it to end. I guess i cut too much and i didn't stop bleeding. I am grateful i was smart enough to call Malik from work to come take me to the hospital that day. I'm grateful i didn't wait, because i fainted putting the phone in the cradle.
I think i must have scared myself straight that time. Malik stayied with me in the hospital. When i got out he told me i could live with him now. He must have been scared too, i think he wanted better supervision of me. Soon after that trip to the hospital i started to get better.
By the time i turned 19 i was like i was before, happy and able to deal. I had learned a lot, i came to terms with my mother and on my 19th birthday Malik gave me the greatest gift i have ever recived.
A collar.
if you like i will continue the story, so comment please!