Charcoal Black and the 2 dwarfs
Title: Charcoal Black and the 2 Dwarfs
Chapter: 1/1
Author: kiroyo
Genre: AU, Severe Crack. Slight Smut
Warnings: Absence of any rationality.
Disclaimer: I own this page of lies.
Rating: PG15
Pairing: Aoi x Uruha, Aoi x Reita, mild Ruki x Uruha
Bands: the GazettE, Alice Nine, Gackt, Dir En Grey, SuG, Nightmare
Synopsis: Snow White meets Jrock and warped logic.
Comments: Comments make me happy, like little bits of candy :3
"We've gotta kill the princess! If not our grade point average for beauty of this Land of Superficial Looks will continue to dip and we'll get nothing except cow manure for all 3 meals for the next 10 years as decreed by the damned King Gackt!" Dwarf Ruki announced, shoving his plate of brown matter off the wooden oak table. "Ruki's right! She's so ugly, even Evil Witch Uruha is prettier than her!" Dwarf Kai agreed as he looked around the room for their peers' consensus, his hand firmly clasped on Ruki's shoulder. Instead of nodding heads and cheers of approval, crickets and cicadas echoed off the circular area of the tree hollow. Ruki and Kai sighed as they suddenly remembered the absence of their other 5 friends. They had all perished so quickly that neither of them had time to adjust to their permanent lack of presence. The two little dwarfs curled up their fists and gritted their teeth in determination, yes, Charcoal Black must die! For her hideousness had led to the acute death of their comrades one millisecond after they glanced at her. But first, they needed a plan. A piece of second-hand toilet paper, and yellow and green crayons crafted from dried ear wax and mucus later, Ruki and Kai were seated at the oak table, ready to devise Mission-Fucking-Hell-Better-Be-Possible.
To exterminate the enemy, one must know the enemy.
Charcoal Black popped out of his father's puckered hole fair as a proper stereotypical princess should be. She was gifted with a pair of size 36D and an extra hole between her legs. Her IQ was extremely high on the negative scale, thus when she attended science lessons in middle school and watched documentaries online, she deduced that she was at the final stage of breast cancer which was otherwise known as "puberty", and the two growing lumps on his chest had to be removed. Charcoal Black also found that in order to prevent himself from dying from prolonged extensive blood loss she had to stitch up the hole which allowed her precious red fluids to escape her body every month. Charcoal Black was once known as Aoi, which was an average girl’s name in her birthplace of the Land of Superficial Looks. However her removal of certain body parts led the commoners to think she has became a transvestite or perhaps transsexual even, thus Princess Aoi retained his status as Princess but his gender remained a mystery to all.
So how Princess Aoi became known as Charcoal Black today was when he purchased a UV-ray sun tanning kit online for a grand total of 50 cents. He read the guarantee card which provided assurance of the lack of it to ensure that he knew how to operate the machine properly. When Princess Aoi felt confident enough, he flipped open the capsule and hopped in, setting it to "HIGH" mode for 55 hours. After some sizzling and steam arising out of the gaps from the door of the cylindrical container, Charcoal Black climbed out of the machine, as tanned and hideous he was till this day.
As with every other princess, her fate and destiny or curse and misfortune was to marry the prince who had got to be the handsomest man in the land. They would fall in love with each other the first time they meet, get married the next day and conceive a baby during their nuptial night - which was supposed to be the first time each of them explored new horizons but seriously, is that entirely believable? What happens next: did the prince who became king morph into a domestic violence spouse, alcoholic or habitual gambler is never known.
The handsomest prince in the land was Reita; Tall, well-built and charismatic in the bad-ass aspect. All this was true, save for the last one which he only portrayed on the outside. Prince Coward Reita could show the world how bad-assy he was, but truth was that his ass had gone bad from bottoming too much with his harem of butlers. Yes, Prince Coward was gay.
Forget about two royalties prancing through meadows to embrace each other in eternal matrimony; Prince Coward was on the run from Charcoal Black. And to make matters worse (for empathetic readers), or spice things up (for sadistic readers such as yours truly), Evil Witch Uruha was not doing what his perceived duty was to be, for he and Mirror-on-the-wall Saga were busy having phone sex exchanges the entire day.
Yes, the Evil-Witch-who-was-actually-Wizard-if-classified-in-the-right-gender-category-but-too-pretty-to-be-one could not be bothered to conjure up a poisonous fruit to wipe out the ugly creature. Thus there was no one else to undertake responsibility for this task except Dwarfs Ruki and Kai.
On a dark stormy night while Evil Witch Uruha was teasing himself in front of Mirror Saga, a round of rapid knocking on the metal doors brought the climax they were building up to a complete halt. Evil Witch Uruha seethed and screeched, "Who dares bother me at this hour!" He pointed his middle finger at the spot where the noise came from and the metal door flew open, revealing the pair of dwarfs. "What do you midgets want? I'm in the middle of something extremely important." Dwarf Ruki felt his cheeks burn up as he scanned the Evil Witch from tip to toe who was scantily clad in what seemed to be nothing more but a ripped purple rags. He rotated his head slightly to the left, foam starting to gather in his mouth when a long whip floating in midair came into view. Kai groaned and slapped his companion, knocking him out onto the floor, before clearing his throat and said "Evil Witch! You're supposed to be the ugliest in the land, and destroy the princess because your magic mirror told you that your beauty does not match up to her or in our case, him! What in good heavens have you been doing!?"
Evil Witch Uruha stuck his right index through a loop formed by his left finger and thumb, and a high stool appeared out of thin air. He took a step backwards, sat on it and crossed his slender legs. "Little shortie, you're lecturing me on MY beauty? Firstly, Charcoal Black is as hideous as he is today purely as a result of his own misdemeanor and miscalculated actions. Secondly, my magic mirror says I'm the most beautiful in the land, which is an undisputed fact, right" At this, a face with an odd nose due to a botched nose job appeared and nodded in agreement, "I'm Mirror Saga and I hereby swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Evil Witch Uruha is the most beautiful and gorgeous and amazing and sexy and-" "I get your point! Geez." Dwarf Kai interrupted and rolled his eyes. Evil Witch Uruha smiled fondly at his mirror before he continued, "Thirdly, that princess is so fugly he can go fuck-I mean kill himself. Lastly, I'm born this way so don't hold it against me."
Dwarf Kai stooped down and rolled his friend over face down, then he bent his knees and placed his butt snugly on Ruki’s back. “We need your help Evil Witch. Charcoal Black’s hideousness is so powerful it overwhelms all types of black magic! He has already killed off 5 of our innocent friends - Kyo, Takeru, Yomi, Shinpei and Hiroto! He might not know it but he’s on a killing spree. It’s a bloodbath our there! Innocent people are dying! Soon all the villagers will die and there will be no one making whips, chains and cuffs anymore!” Dwarf Kai pleaded, pouting and bringing on his best defense: Puppy eyes which he obtained from Ruki’s now blind Chihuahua. Evil Witch Uruha gasped. No more toys!? He hyperventilated, his bony chest rising and falling against the thin fabric of his garments. Mirror Sage too, reacted, his brass frame swaying back and forth to the closest imitation of how humans panted and freaked out. Evil Witch Uruha stuck out a hand, stalling Mirror Saga’s movements. “Don’t fret my dear,” turning to face Dwarf Kai, he said “Alright puny I’ll help you and your friend. But answer me this: Why aren’t you as miniature as your kind?” Dwarf Kai clapped his hands in delight and replied, “That’s because when I was young my mother fed me a ‘growth spurt’ potion by accident when she should have given me a ‘growth halt’ potion.”
Evil Witch Uruha flipped both his middle fingers, each at one side of Dwarf Kai and Ruki and teleported them home. He sighed and retreated to his seat in front of Mirror Saga. “What am I to do Mirror Saga? I need to come up with something to get rid of Charcoal Black! The standard recommended procedure is the poison apple but I do not wish to taint my eyes with his fugliness!” Mirror Saga frowned and replied, “Why not Uruha? Your magic would prevent his repulsiveness from sapping your life force away. His power of obnoxiousness is redundant against you!” The Evil Witch nodded in agreement. “Yes I do know that, but I still do not wish to go near that creature. Who knows what he might do to me if he gets jealous of my beauty! Then again, I have to be the one to carry this out personally to make sure that I really do kill him once and for all. It’s inevitable after all. Oh well! Guitar Villain it shall be!” A complete set of vulgar and obscene gestures later, the demonic purple guitar - Guitar Villain was formed.
At the same time, Prince Coward Reita was bent over his golden desk, moaning in ecstasy as his butler Tora pounded ceaselessly into him. “Oh god more!” he cried, and his butler was more than pleased to comply. Oblivious to both of them, Charcoal Black was making his way up the castle, pushing open doors which would lead to the room where the Prince was in. “Prince Coward?” he called, “Where are you my beloved?”
Butler Tora stilled. “I think I hear something Your Highness. Someone’s calling for you.” Prince Coward Reita scoffed and waved off the remark. “You’re hearing things Tora. That’s your echoes moaning my name in this room.” Butler Tora nodded and continued where they left off, decided that what the prince said made sense.
Charcoal Black came to the final room. He was just about to turn the doorknob when his ears picked up panting and deep groans from behind the wooden door. He gasped and immediately delivered a high-kick, knocking the door down and exposing two sweaty naked men in the room. Magic-less Butler Tora disintegrated into sand upon seeing the dreadful human being, while Prince Coward rolled into a ball, whimpered and dissolved into tears. “Please go away! I do not wish to marry you! I am not into vaginas!” Charcoal Black gasped again, his hands flew to his mouth and he was just about to explain that he sealed up his own years ago when a stunning transsexual appeared right between them.
Evil Witch Uruha spun around and stumbled backwards when Charcoal Black came into view. He thought he was mentally prepared to face him but nothing could prepare him for such an atrocity. He inhaled and exhaled slowly for a few times, then he straightened his clothes and fixed his hair. Teleportation was quick as lightning but it wasn’t the smoothest mode of transport.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE GORGEOUS!”
Evil Witch Uruha’s hands froze and he cautiously peeked at Charcoal Black through his long fringe. What was with that?
Charcoal Black ran up to the witch and grabbed both of his hands. His eyes sparkled with admiration as he spoke, “Oh my heavens! I never thought I’d lived to see this day! To meet someone who is as mistakenly gender-confused as me! Tell me my beautiful, are you male or female?”
Evil Witch Uruha’s jaw fell, extremely appalled and taken aback by the man’s rude question. “Excuse me!? ‘Mistakenly gender-confused’!? What on earth are you talking about! I am well-known all around the land for my beauty and no one has ever questioned me like this or insinuated anything similar to this extent!” he huffed, pulling back his hands from the man and wiped them against the fabric of his robes. Charcoal Black pouted and tears welled up in his eyes. “That’s because you have such an amazingly pretty face like a lady but you’re flat-chested and your voice is guttural deep. Whereas I have the pointed face of a male but I had a duo of cumbersome bulging flesh on my chest and an extra hole which did me no good. So I thought we were similar. I’m sorry I misunderstood.” He apologized and sniffled, rubbing away his tears with black gnarled fists.
The evil witch remained stark still as he processed what the princess just said to him earlier on. He too, also never thought that he would meet someone who could understand his growing pains and multiple misunderstandings. Of all people, it had to be the one he was assigned to kill. “NO THIS IS TOO TRAGIC!” Evil Witch Uruha wailed, “I think I’ve just met my other half! Sorry Mirror Saga, it was fun while it lasted. We’ll always be friends with benefits, but I’ve found who I belong to now.” He spun around and wrapped his arms around Charcoal Black’s trembling form, “Let’s elope, to somewhere they wouldn’t find us and where there are no possibilities for accidental deaths to occur.” “Ah Uruha, we really are meant to be! You are the only person whom I can’t kill!” Charcoal Black choked through sobs, embracing the tall witch back. Evil Witch Uruha smiled and wiped away the black onyx tears of tar, “Let’s go my love.” Both of them flashed the bird and disappeared with a poof of green gas.
Meanwhile Prince Coward Reita was curled up and forgotten at the corner of the room. He sneezed as something pungent entered his nose. Unraveling his naked self, he crawled out of his spot and quickly glanced around the area. No one else was present except himself. He grinned, peace has finally arrived! Evil Witch Uruha and Charcoal Black were gone! However Butler Tora was gone forever too… Prince Coward Reita sighed. He had just lost one of his best butlers; his sex life would be adversely affected. Just as he was about to start moping, a gentle knock on the door frame sounded. “Your Highness, are you alright? We heard some commotion downstairs.” Prince Coward Reita crossed his eyebrows and threw the butler a deadly glare. He needed some time to be alone damn it- Ah, his eyes rested upon a smooth handsome face with gentle features. Those eyes… “Your Highness?” The young butler entered the room, concern etched across his face. “You’re new here aren’t you?” the prince asked. “Yes I am! Sorry for not introducing myself earlier! I am Shou!” the new butler hastily apologized, bowing down with his hands neatly folded in front. “Nah it’s okay. Your first duty would be to help me out here.” Prince Coward Reita waved his words off, and instead pointed down at his rising column of blood vessels.
A couple of weeks later, Dwarf Kai and Ruki were having their crappy meal which was freshly made that morning and delivered from the farm when their door slammed down and poultry flew into their circular house. Both of them looked at each other and beamed.
Mission-Fucking-Hell-Better-Be-Possible: Success
A/N: This was incredibly taxing to write.