... but WHY am I upset about his death?
Most anyone reading this will be aware that I have certain religious and/or spiritual beliefs. Foremost among those are certain beliefs that suggest that I will have opportunity to see my deceased brother again, in some few years at the most.
Nevertheless, I remain inconsolable.
I assume that part of my counselor's goal was with suggesting I write focused letters to my brother was to explore my feelings. A trite phrase, and perhaps even a trite concept, but one that appeals just a bit at the moment.
So, you people are smarter than me. Am I mad at him that he "gave up"? Am I simply depressed to be without him?
I feel a certain culpability, because of something I'm not going into here that I believe perhaps I could have at least spoken up about though he wouldn't have listened anyway, probably. Could it be that?
No, this isn't a question that I need to ask right now, because I know the answer: "yes".
I do feel culpability for not speaking up about that thing.
I am angry with him for "giving up", which is related to that thing. No he didn't kill himself or anything, it is more complicated than that. His wife has been lost without him, and his poor kids ... though of course Daniel has stepped up, in a thousand ways. Aaron's death may be the thing that saves Daniel's life/soul/whatever. And mom and Davis, and Rachel ... and I miss him so much.
I am sad that I didn't get to know him better. After I went on my mission, I never got back together with Aaron and Rachel. Aaron and I were getting to know each other before I left Winnemucca, but it wasn't nearly enough. I blame myself for most of this, because he was making efforts to get back together with me.
At his funeral, I commented that the party he was certain he had wronged would meet him with the Lord, basically at the gates, where the two of them would tell Aaron that it was time to let it go, because it was never his fault in the first place. I was absolutely convicted of the truth of that statement when I made it, and if nothing else it was important to me and to Mom that day. Sometimes I wonder if I am still so confident, and if perhaps that doubt might be a part of my upset generally.
That's all I've got for now.
Nevertheless, I remain inconsolable.
I assume that part of my counselor's goal was with suggesting I write focused letters to my brother was to explore my feelings. A trite phrase, and perhaps even a trite concept, but one that appeals just a bit at the moment.
So, you people are smarter than me. Am I mad at him that he "gave up"? Am I simply depressed to be without him?
I feel a certain culpability, because of something I'm not going into here that I believe perhaps I could have at least spoken up about though he wouldn't have listened anyway, probably. Could it be that?
No, this isn't a question that I need to ask right now, because I know the answer: "yes".
I do feel culpability for not speaking up about that thing.
I am angry with him for "giving up", which is related to that thing. No he didn't kill himself or anything, it is more complicated than that. His wife has been lost without him, and his poor kids ... though of course Daniel has stepped up, in a thousand ways. Aaron's death may be the thing that saves Daniel's life/soul/whatever. And mom and Davis, and Rachel ... and I miss him so much.
I am sad that I didn't get to know him better. After I went on my mission, I never got back together with Aaron and Rachel. Aaron and I were getting to know each other before I left Winnemucca, but it wasn't nearly enough. I blame myself for most of this, because he was making efforts to get back together with me.
At his funeral, I commented that the party he was certain he had wronged would meet him with the Lord, basically at the gates, where the two of them would tell Aaron that it was time to let it go, because it was never his fault in the first place. I was absolutely convicted of the truth of that statement when I made it, and if nothing else it was important to me and to Mom that day. Sometimes I wonder if I am still so confident, and if perhaps that doubt might be a part of my upset generally.
That's all I've got for now.