[fanfiction] (sometimes I think that) you are everything

[kisforkurama]

(sometimes I think that) you are everything
Sam falls for Kurt the first time Kurt smiles and holds out his hand when he says hi, I'm Kurt. It's hard not to, he thinks, because Kurt lights up when he smiles like he's glad to see you and he's so glad you could make it and something in his smile makes the sun shine brighter, which is a cliché but Sam honestly can't think of any other words to describe what happens when Kurt smiles. He melts. He wants to hold Kurt's hand and take him on movie dates. He wants to fit his fingers around Kurt's waist and kiss him senseless while a choir of angels sings out behind them.

The only problem is that none of that is likely to happen, because Kurt seems to be infuriatingly oblivious to all of Sam's subtle flirting. It's not like Sam doesn't know how to flirt, because he does! He flirts all the time with girls and guys alike, and he's gotten people to go home with him for a little fun before because Sam is not the dorky and awkward kid he was in high school. Now he's hot and totally able to flirt except when it comes to Kurt Hugo Schneider apparently. Which sucks, but whatever. Sam is persistent and a little stupid because you don't become a classical Greek major without being a little stupid. Seriously, no one uses classical Greek but Sam is a classical Greek major because he likes Greek and he does what he wants, because all that matters is that he's happy and it's not like anyone really cares what your degree is in.

(His mother is probably still a little disappointed that Sam's not going to be a music teacher like her, but that's okay. Maybe he'll write songs in classical Greek to piano tunes, who knows? It's not like the market for classical Greek teachers is huge or anything.)

So Sam starts using more overt techniques of trying to get Kurt to notice that hey, he's interested. He makes Kurt a mixtape. He asks Kurt if he wants to go to the movies, just the two of them. He makes Kurt dinner. He wonders if none of this is coming off as interest in Kurt, but when he asks Jake and Allison they both pat him on the shoulder and say that no, he's being pretty obvious. It's just that Kurt's dense.

By the time Kurt asks him if he wants to sing a song from High School Musical 3 for shits and giggles, Sam has pretty much resigned himself to the fact that Kurt's never going to respond to his flirting and decided that whatever. If Kurt doesn't want to go out with him, then Sam will just spend as much time with him as possible. Which is a tiny bit pathetic and sad, but that's fine. He's going to sing this stupid song with a girl he thinks he's been introduced to at a party maybe and he's going to enjoy it because it's spending time near Kurt.

Except the girl never shows up and they sit around and stare at each other for a couple of minutes until Kurt sighs and slumps against Sam.

"What do we do now?"

There's a lot of things they could do, but Sam doesn't want to say any of the cheesy pick-up lines he thinks of and he doesn't shrug. Instead he tries to think of an actual solution to their problem, which is slightly more difficult than it sounds. Then, it hits him.

"Hey," Sam says, nudging Kurt, "Hey, what if I just sang both parts?"
"Wouldn't the video look weird if it's just you singing a duet?"
"No," Sam turns, holding Kurt by the shoulders, "because there will be two of me! You can just edit the videos together afterward, right?"
"Oh," Kurt blinks, then grins, "That would be pretty awesome."

Which is how Sam ends up being both Troy and Gabriella. He thinks it's kind of a sad allegory for his own life, but he is never, ever going to tell anyone that. It's really, horribly pathetic of him.

Jake and Kurt do a couple videos together after that, and then one day Kurt comes up to Sam, bright-eyed and excited, and Sam's heart sinks because he already knows he's going to say yes to whatever Kurt's going to ask him to do. He's in love. He's so in love that he'd definitely do anything Kurt asked of him.

"Sam," Kurt says excitedly, "Jake and I were talking and we came up with a idea: College Musical."
"Sounds awesome," Sam says, without meaning to, "Like High School Musical but inappropriate."
"Exactly! And we were talking, and Jake suggested that the main character could be someone who's in love with their TA but afraid to talk to them. He said we should get you to play the main character. What do you say?"
"Sure," Sam smiles, "You know I'd do anything for you."

Kurt's smile then is the same one Kurt fell in love with a year ago, and Sam can't even feel annoyed that Kurt can con him into doing almost anything. It's not that he doesn't love doing the things that Kurt asks him to do. Sam loves music and he loves singing. It's really just that sometimes Sam thinks that Kurt could ask him to jump off buildings and Sam would say yes.

"It's terrible," Sam tells Jake when they're hanging out one day, "Kurt asks me to do things and I just say yes without even knowing what I'm agreeing to sometimes. Also you're a horrible person for suggesting that I play Cooper."
"But you fit the part so well," Jake laughs, "except instead of wanting to bone your TA, you want to bone your best friend."
"I wanna bone my best friend, I wanna bang him up against the wall," Sam sings, overblown and slightly off-key, as he stands up, "I wanna bone my best friend-piano and harp, baby, he plays it all."

With a sigh, Sam sits back down next to Jake and flings an arm over his eyes.

"I really am Cooper, aren't I? I hate my life."
"It's okay," Jake says, patting Sam's shoulder, "If it makes you feel any better, I don't think Kurt responds any better to hot girls flirting with him."
"That doesn't make me feel better, Jake," Sam groans, "It still means he's not seeing that I am a perfectly viable, dating option. I've tried everything short of giving him a note that says do you like me? check yes or no which even I am unwilling to resort to."
"Maybe you should give up on him. It's hopeless."

The thing is that Sam should give up, because the chances of Kurt actually getting the picture and figuring out that hey, Sam is into him? Pretty much zero at this point. Most people would probably have given up by now, and Jake's right. There's just one problem: it's not just that Sam wants wants to bone his best friend. It's that he wants to wake up and kiss him even though they both have morning breath, that he wants to take walks through the park with him, that he wants to make music with him, that he wants to feed him bites of cake, that he wants to dance him him, that he wants to be one of those disgustingly cute couples cynical people gag at.

"I can't," Sam says finally, "Well, if he ever rejects me outright I'll give up but until then I'm just going to assume he's dense."
"You asked him if he wanted to go to a movie and dinner," Jake says dubiously, "and then he went with you. And then you guys went on like six more dates, except I don't think he knew they were dates. I'd say that the boy is hopelessly dense at this point."

Sam knows that both Jake and Allison think he's stupid for not giving up on Kurt and going for one of the girls that's falling over herself to be with him, but.

Okay, he actually does go for this one girl at a party because look, he's a college student and Kurt is clearly not going to come to his senses any time soon and she's hot and Sam is lonely. It sucks, okay? They're filming for Kurt and Jake's College Musical project and Sam spends hours at a time singing words Kurt wrote and pretending to be in love with some very lovely girls he doesn't feel anything more than friendship for.

(He does get to see Allison act sexy against a chalkboard, though, which is both hilarious and kind of weird seeing as she's like his sister in some ways. And he's pretending he wants to bone her.)

It turns out that Sam's not that much like Cooper, though, because Cooper eventually ends up with Jackie and not the hot TA. Or at least that's what the endgame is, but they're one on episode 1 so Jake and Kurt are kind of playing it by ear at this point.

And then it's winter break and Sam does not spend it all moping about how Kurt won't date him. He spends it talking to Kurt almost constantly and telling his mom about how much fun he's having at college and how his classes are going and how Kurt's doing. His mother gives him one of those looks that mothers have perfected around the billionth time he mentions Kurt, and places her hand on his knee.

"You know, Sam, I will love you no matter what."
"I know, Mom. What brought this up?"
His mom smiles at him and says, "You really love that boy. It's okay, I understand. When do I get to meet him?"
"Mom," Sam says, sighing, "I'm not dating Kurt. We're just friends."

She raises an eyebrow, and Sam sighs. He doesn't really want to explain the situation to her, but he knows that he's going to whether he likes it or not. Covering his mother's hand with his own, Sam manages a smile for her.

"I love him a lot, mom, but he doesn't seem to understand that I don't just love him as a friend. I took him on a date to the movies and he said he had a great time, but I don't think he knew it was a date. My friends say I should give up on him because he's not interested, and I've tried everything short of giving him a note that says do you like me? check yes or no and I don't . . . I don't know, mom. His smile is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and ever time I see it I know that I can just stop trying until he actually turns me down for real."

His mother considers him for a moment, and Sam waits for her to say something because he feels a little like he's just served his heart up on a plate for judgment. His mother squeezes his knee after a moment, and then smiles at him.

"Don't give up," she says quietly, "okay? He'll come around eventually."

Sam takes her words to heart, and when he gets back to school he's determined to do whatever it takes to get Kurt to realize that Sam's serious when he says I love you. Writing him a grade school note is definitely a last resort in this instance, though, because Sam's desperate but he's not that desperate. He's definitely considering standing outside Kurt's apartment building with a boombox, but Jake gives a look and Sam concedes that finding a boombox might be kind of difficult and that's probably a kind of cliché at this point. He needs something else grand and spectacular, but he doesn't know what it is. Asking Allison just gets him a raised eyebrow and a sigh.

"Sam," Allison says sadly, "I thought you were going to give up on Kurt. He's just not into you."
"I went on like six dates with him, Allison," Sam rolls his eyes, "I'm pretty sure him being into me isn't the problem here. He just doesn't realize I'm into him."
"Have you ever just said that? Have you ever just told him hey, I'm into you?"
"I say I love him all the time," Sam shrugs, "but I don't think he understands that I love him romantically."
"You're hopeless," Allison shakes her head, "but I'm going to help you get your man because you deserve to be happy."

The plan is . . . Well, they don't really have a plan. Allison says that Sam should just try telling Kurt, but Sam keeps reminding her that his confessed in every way humanly possible and really the only option left at this point is to make a grand confession. Allison concedes the point, and they still don't have an actual plan that's not standing outside Kurt's apartment building with a boombox. She says that's cheesy, though, and Sam tends to agree. Besides, he doesn't even know what he would play out of such a boombox.

As it turns out, planning grand confessions is much harder than it seems.

Somewhere in the midst of all their half-ideas, the first episode of College Musical gets released and people watch it. Like, people have watched the other videos that Kurt has put up, but this is a significant audience and Sam's kind of terrified. Thousand of people have heard him sing "I want to bone my TA" and he's not sure whether he should hide or take pride. He's leaning more toward hide, if he's being honest.

They've filmed the first two episodes of college musical, and they're working on the final script for the third, so Sam is free to privately freak out about his life and plot for the imminent seduction of his best friend for a couple of weeks. Mostly the freaking out part, if Sam's being honest, because while he's performed on stage in front of audiences and it's not like he's shy-he did record a whole song about wanting to bone his TA without blushing-but there's something different about knowing that people are watching something you made with your friends for fun and liking it, asking when the next episode will be.

Valentine's Day looms in the near future, and as much as Sam wants to make his grand gesture on the day that everyone is expected to make grand gestures, he and Allison still haven't come up with a plan. He does help Kurt out with his Valentine's Day video, though, which he thinks is going to be kind of hilarious and very Kurt. It's weirdly oblivious and ridiculous in the same way Kurt actually is, although a little more aware of what it's doing than Kurt generally is.

The video does give Sam an idea though. He kind of doesn't understand how it wasn't the first thing he came up with, but once he's realized that the perfect solution is to write Kurt a song? The idea won't leave his head. He covers at least half a dozen pieces of paper in half-lyrics and scraps of melody until it gets stuck in his head: sometimes I wonder, and sometimes I dream; sometimes I think that you are everything. It's a slip of song that floats around in his head and refuses to leave, so he writes it down and lets the rest of the song fall into place behind it. When he's done, he thinks the song might be named "Sometimes" or maybe "I Could Fly (You Are Everything)" but instead he scrawls "A Song for Kurt" on the sheet with the lyrics on it and sits down at his keyboard to fiddle with the song.

He's strangely glad that his mother insisted he take his keyboard with him to college, even though he sometimes lets it collect dust and his roommate complained about it his entire freshman year until he'd moved it into Kurt's apartment. Kurt had been happy to house the keyboard even though they had only been friends for a couple of months at the time, which Sam had thought was a little weird at the time but now realizes is just the way Kurt acts all the time.

Or rather, is the way Kurt acts around Sam. Allison and Jake both maintain that Kurt's never fallen over himself to help them before, which they maintain is proof that Kurt really does like Sam-in a "best friend" kind of way at the very least.

Sam would be annoyed at their lack of faith, but he's relying on them to run interference while he works on the music for his song and that sort of means he needs to be on their good side. As much as Allison says she's on his side, Sam doesn't think that she'd pass up an opportunity to get revenge if it presented itself. It's not like it's that hard to ignore their teasing: Sam works almost non-stop on his song for an entire weekend, and then it's done.

Well, it's as done as it needs to be. Sam doesn't want it polished and amazing; he wants it to sound like a diamond in the rough ready to be polished.

After Sam's reasonably sure he knows the song well enough to play it with minimal fuss from memory, he asks Allison what he should do with it. There's so many options that he's not sure which one would works best-should he record it and put it on a CD? should he play it somewhere public and invite Kurt? should he play it for Kurt in private? should he call Kurt and play it for him over the phone?-and Allison thinks for a long minute before she decides.

"Isn't there an open mic at The Space on Tuesdays?"
"Yeah," Sam says, "Yeah, I could do that."
"Great," Allison grins, punching him in the shoulder lightly, "I'll make sure Kurt goes with me next week Tuesday."

Standing, Allison gives Sam a little wave before she heads out to her next class. once she's gone, Sam breathes in and out while he reminds himself that its just a show and he's performed in front of even more people before. He's the star of a mildly popular webseries. People everywhere have heard him sing a stupid, embarrassing song. He can totally sing one sappy love song in front of an audience without passing out.

As it turns out, Sam doesn't have to worry that much about his potentially disastrous public confession of love, because the second episode of College Musical goes up the day before the open mic and he spends most of the day freaking out about that before Jake calls him.

"Allison said to remind you that we're all going to The Space tonight," Jake says, voice crackling through the phone, "because she wanted to make sure you didn't forget."
"I almost did," Sam says truthfully, "I'll definitely be there, though."
"You better."

Skipping out on his own confession would be a pretty lame thing to do, so Sam heads over to The Space and gets there just before the doors open. He signs up for a timeslot and then there's nothing to do but wait and look for his friends before he has to go up.

They get there just as the open mic is starting, and Sam's glad that he signed up for a time toward the middle of the night because it means he gets to sit with them for a little while and assure them all that his set is going to be pretty amazing. Kurt smiles like he always does when Sam owns up to being amazing, and then Sam has to go get ready to be on stage soon. He sets up his keyboard when the girl before him is done and then he's peering out into the audience and taking a deep breath.

"Hey," he says, giving a little wave, "My name's Sam Tsui and I hope you don't mind if I play you a little Lady Gaga."

Sam smiles slightly before launching into "Just Dance." Lady Gaga is still one of his favorite artists, and he's glad to be starting his set with something he knows from memory to ease him into his real purpose. When he's done with the song, Sam breathes in and then out. He smiles out to the audience again, looking in the direction where he knows Kurt is sitting with Allison and Jake, and makes a little small talk.

"This is an original song," he says, willing his voice not to waver, "and it's for someone who means the world to me."

Without pausing to think too much about what he's about to do, Sam starts playing the song. He's got it burned into his memory at this point, and his fingers are moving over his keyboard without much thought from him. The lights above him prevent him from being able to see Kurt, for which he's grateful, but he closes his eyes while he sings anyway.

"Oh, I just can't fight the way I feel," he hears himself sing, "Gotta find the words to tell you, because if you feel the same, I could fly. I could fly. The sometimes add up until I could burst, so this time is the right time for going first."

The song isn't particularly long and the crowd seems to like it, but Sam's not concerned about any of them as he takes his keyboard off stage and breaks it down. A couple of people tell him he did a great job, and Sam is polite to them like he's supposed to be, but once his keyboard's packed up he heads back over to his friends. Kurt finds him first, and Sam's heart feels like it could leap out of his chest.

"Hi," Kurt says, stopping just in front of Sam, "Allison told be that song was for me."
"It was," Sam says, because hiding that fact would defeat the whole purpose of it, "Did you like it?"
"Yeah," Kurt smiles, "You never said the title though."

Technically the song doesn't have a title. All his sheet music for it says "A Song For Kurt" on it though, so Sam figures that's about as close to a title as the song might ever get.

"I've been calling it 'A Song for Kurt' on all the sheet music," Sam says sheepishly, "but it doesn't really have a title."

Sam knows there are a lot of things that Kurt could do with that, and Sam's not entirely sure what Kurt's going to do at all, but he's definitely not expecting Kurt to tangle their fingers together and squeeze before pulling away again. The display of affection could be flashier, but Sam understands Kurt's reluctance. They might not be living in the time of Stonewall, but it's possible that an open mic night isn't the right place for show-stopping displays of affection. He takes the gesture for what it is and smiles at Kurt.

"I think the title suits it just fine," Kurt says, "but maybe if we ever release it we should give it a different one."
"Maybe," Sam laughs, "or maybe I'll just let everyone know it's a love song for you."

As soon as the words are out of his mouth, Sam wonders if he's crossed some kind of line, but Kurt just smiles and Sam knows everything will be okay.

"You wanna get out of here?"

Kurt says it almost shyly, and Sam realizes that he's just as terrified of screwing whatever's between them up as Sam is. It's good to know that Sam isn't the only one, and it makes him feel a little more at ease.

"Yeah," Sam nods, "Let me just grab my keyboard and we can get out of here."

When Sam grabs his keyboard from amongst the stuff open mic performers have left just off-stage, Kurt follows him and then they're hopping in Kurt's car and driving back to his apartment. They don't talk much, which is slightly awkward and also uncharacteristic for them, but once they've lugged Sam's keyboard back up to Kurt's apartment and settled on the couch, they both try to talk at once.

"What are we-"
"I didn't even know-"

Stopping, they look at each other and Sam waves his hand around to indicate that Kurt should go first.

"I didn't even know you liked me. I'm pretty bad at figuring out when people are flirting with me, though."
"It's okay," Sam shakes his head fondly, "but just for the record? We've been on seven dates."

The confession is worth it just for the way Kurt's face goes from mildly confused to horrified in a matter of seconds. He covers his face with his hands once he gets it, and Sam laughs until Kurt punches him in the shoulder to make him stop. It's light, but Sam still makes an overly exaggerated hurt face and Kurt lasts about five seconds before he mumbles sorry.

"It's nothing," Sam says, "I'll heal."
"I could kiss it better," Kurt says, eyes meeting Sam's in a question, "maybe?"
"I think," Sam says, voice cracking slightly, "that you should just kiss me instead."

There's a moment where Kurt does nothing, just studies Sam, and then he shifts to pull Sam close. Sam can feel Kurt's breath ghosting across his lips in the moment before Kurt presses their lips together, tentative and a little awkward. It knocks all the air out of Sam's lungs, like Kurt's managed to consume all the oxygen in the immediate area by kissing him, and he feels a little dizzy when Kurt finally pulls away. Focusing, Sam can see that Kurt's not in much better shape than he is. He's moving to kiss Kurt again when Kurt presses a hand to his chest and stops him.

"I should tell you," Kurt says quietly, "I should tell you that I've never done . . . this."

Kurt makes an expansive hand gesture Sam thinks might mean "the gay thing," but might also mean "relationships" or "kissing people." Sometimes it's hard to tell precisely what Kurt means by his hand gestures, and Sam's learned that asking is usually the best way to clarify. He sits back.

"This being . . . what?"
Kurt shrugs, "Any of it. I don't really . . . date people. Or sleep with them. Or kiss them. It's just not something I ever really wanted to do?"
"But," Sam says, just to make sure, "you don't mind kissing me. Right?"
"No," Kurt pulls Sam closer, "I'm just telling you that you're going to have to teach me."

Even if he wasn't immediately willing to do whatever it takes to make a relationship with Kurt work out, Sam would never be upset that Kurt isn't some kind of sex god. He sort of figured that Kurt was a little new to the idea of romance, but it's nice to know exactly what he's in for. It's also probably a good thing that he doesn't really want to sleep with Kurt so much as be a disgustingly cute couple with him. Allison is definitely going to regret helping Sam out in a couple of weeks, Sam thinks.

"I'd do anything for you," Sam says, shifting to straddle Kurt, "but right now I just want to kiss you. Is that okay?"
"Please."

Sam's never heard Kurt's voice the way it sounds now, and he swallows before dipping down to press his lips to Kurt's. This kiss is sweet and exploratory, Kurt's fingers digging into Sam's hips and the fabric of the couch scratchy under Sam's palms. It's Kurt who decides to take things further, licking his way into Sam's mouth. Sam obliges because he's always up for more tongue, and then Kurt's shifting until Sam's horizontal and Kurt's hovering above him. He pulls away for a moment, looking down at Sam, and then buries his face in the curve of Sam's neck. There's something mumbled into Sam's skin, but Sam can't make out what it is, so he carefully pulls Kurt's away.

"I can't hear you when you're talking into my shoulder," Sam says, fingers curling around the back of Kurt's neck, "What were you saying?"
"I'm really tired," Kurt mumbles, relaxing into the touch, "and I asked if you wanted to stay over."
"I have class in the morning," Sam says, which isn't a no, "and I don't have any clothes to change into."
"Yes you do," Kurt frowns down at Sam, "You have a drawer full of stuff in my room. My roommate teases me about us being married because of it."
"We're a little married," Sam laughs, pulling Kurt down until their foreheads are touching, "you have to admit."
"I don't mind."

Frankly, Sam doesn't mind either because Kurt kisses him with the air of someone who's discovered something amazing and never wants to stop doing it. Sam would let him do it forever too, only Kurt yawns into the kiss and Sam has to hide his face in Kurt's arm while he's trying not to laugh. Kurt pulls away and untangles himself from the mess of limbs they've become before standing up. He holds out a hand to Sam when he's standing and Sam takes it, letting Kurt pull him up and lead him to the bedroom. It's nothing new, and Sam's crashed there before with Kurt on at least five occasions, but Kurt pauses awkwardly once they're in his room. Sam kisses his cheek and bumps their shoulders together.

"Don't steal the blankets this time, you blanket hog."
"Then don't steal the pillows," Kurt snorts, the joke old between them, "It's only payback."

It doesn't really matter to Sam is Kurt steals all the blankets, just like Sam's sure that Kurt doesn't mind the fact that he steals all the pillows, but the light bickering breaks the tension and suddenly the thing between them isn't awkward and new at all: it's just the same old them they've always been. Sam settles onto the bed behind Sam, curling into him in the way he never let himself do before, and wraps an arm around Kurt's waist. Kurt tangles their fingers together, and Sam smiles even though Kurt can't see it.

"I love you," he whispers.
Kurt squeezes Sam's hand, "Love you too."

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