Behind an Iron Door
I have a certain pathetic urge right now to be immune to other people's power to hurt me, either on purpose or by accident. The only way I can figure how to do that is to disconnect from others, one heart string at a time.
I wonder what it would be like to be in that place where you don't take anyone's words to heart. Insult or invitation, deceit or dedication, nothing causes that ache or that anger. I wonder what it feels like when you don't hold people to any obligations because you really don't care if they carry through. You don't need others for anything. When they do something nice, it's truly a surprise. Imagine not looking forward to anyone's call or email or visit because they don't matter and such things don't bring major upswellings of joy.
Part of me really wants to be in that place. Part of me murmurs that perhaps I am obsessive and smothering; perhaps people hear from me too much, perhaps I bully them into providing me company.
But another part of me knows I'm not being fair and reacts with horror to the idea of not caring. I want to care. And I want people in my life who want me to care. Ties can bind without smothering, and I value bonds of love and friendship. Surely there are others out there who feel the same way.
I wonder what it would be like to be in that place where you don't take anyone's words to heart. Insult or invitation, deceit or dedication, nothing causes that ache or that anger. I wonder what it feels like when you don't hold people to any obligations because you really don't care if they carry through. You don't need others for anything. When they do something nice, it's truly a surprise. Imagine not looking forward to anyone's call or email or visit because they don't matter and such things don't bring major upswellings of joy.
Part of me really wants to be in that place. Part of me murmurs that perhaps I am obsessive and smothering; perhaps people hear from me too much, perhaps I bully them into providing me company.
But another part of me knows I'm not being fair and reacts with horror to the idea of not caring. I want to care. And I want people in my life who want me to care. Ties can bind without smothering, and I value bonds of love and friendship. Surely there are others out there who feel the same way.