tying the knot (1/2) [arashi rps]
tying the knot [1/2]
Jun/Nino | 嵐 RPS | R | ~14,000 words
This was - and it's shameful to even admit it - a request from help_japan, made over 3 years ago. I'm not sure if the requester is even around fandom anymore, but they were kind enough to never harass me, despite having made a generous donation against this fic's existence.
So, _ore_sama_ - if you're out there, I'm sorry that this took so long - but I hope that it's worth it.
A huge thank you to tangiblewhimsy, honooko, and nicefinalbeam for encouraging me and reading this in various drafts for the past couple of years! ♥
"What's your impression of Canada?"
It's about the fourteenth time they've answered this question so far, and the answers are getting as predictable as the question itself.
"Everyone is very polite," Jun said.
"Great beer," Aiba added.
"Freezing," Nino's words were muffled by the scarf wrapped around his face.
"Poutine," said Ohno, who was seconded by a vigorously nodding Sho and Aiba. Ever since the Montreal concert, their van had started to give off a permanent smell of gravy.
Aiba immediately launched into a long anecdote about he and Ohno setting out from their hotel after drinking in Ohno's room in search of poutine at 2:00AM. Jun took the opportunity to lean back and look at the scenery out of the window of the van.
It was a tight schedule, of course - most of their interviews were being done en-route to different places. Still, Jun couldn't really get his energy up - last night's concert had been amazing, but as always, exhausting.
Jun was enjoying the tour - it had seemed like a bit of a strange idea at first, the Arashi 'Lucky Hit' World Tour. Management had been unenthusiastic about pouring money into a concert tour in a foreign country that might not be profitable. Jun had been the one who proposed focusing on smaller concert halls in several cities, rather than a single big arena. They would make up slow sales by offering ticket and tour packages to Japanese fans, as they had done in the past. They had done analyses of several countries using the international fan club they had formed years before as a basis and shown that it could work, although it wouldn't bring in much money - if anything, it might raise their international profile.
The producer for Shiyagare had jumped at the chance to join the tour, which would be one week long, to film a special episode. Because of this, the country to which they would go was to decided on the show, live. In public, they remained impartial, but they all had their preferences - Jun had been secretly hoping for France or at least somewhere in Europe; he knew that Sho had wanted to go to South America, and both Aiba and Ohno had been hoping for America.
Nino, when pressed for his opinion, only said, "Hokkaido".
However, after all the discussions and planning, it had all boiled down to a large, spinning dart board with the names of 10 countries that contained members of their international fanclub, minus countries in which they had already held concerts (management had also set a minimum cap of fanclub members to include a country, lest they go to Bhutan and hold a personal concert for three very delighted fans), and the cameras focused on Ohno as he won the janken game to throw the dart.
Ohno had closed his eyes, let the dart fly, and when the wheel had stopped spinning, they all paused a moment for dramatic effect - or in Ohno's case, to puzzle briefly over the katakana.
"We're going to die," Nino had proclaimed in the green room, after they had finished filming. "It's a winter tour. We are going to freeze and die."
"It can't be that cold," Jun had scoffed, "People do actually live there."(A sentiment which, within a few months became how do people actually live there?)
In the end, it had become a three city tour - Montreal, Toronto and Vancouver. To management's surprise, well over three-quarters of the tickets were sold out before opening them to the Japanese fan club, and things began to get seriously underway. They all took intensive English lessons (Sho started French lessons, arguing Canada had two official languages), tour goods were designed, the set list was constructed, and before Jun knew it, he was walking off a plane and realizing that he should have packed many, many more sweaters than he had.
The cold aside, it was fun to travel as a relative unknown - they could easily walk around and browse or do touristy things without much worry about being recognized. There was security, of course, but things were looser than they were used to, and it was a nice change.
Filming Shiyagare while traveling was interesting. Since the staff was insistent on "spontaneous Arashi", they didn't have to worry much about memorizing scripts or planning. They usually just had to go about their business and wait for a 'challenge' to happen, at an apparently random (though carefully cleared by management, producers, and any other number of personnel beforehand) time.
Aiba had been the first to have his turn in Montreal, when he was unceremoniously "kidnapped", driven to a random point in the city with a single cameraman, and instructed to navigate his way to the restaurant they were meeting for lunch with no address, and only his English skills to guide him.
Unfortunately for him, the neighbourhood was quite Quebeçois, and the only French that Aiba had managed to pick up was from when he had been playing around with Sho's electronic dictionary and bookmarking all the dirty words he could find.
True to the rule of variety shows, it was hilarious when it happened to someone else.
Early this morning, sore from running circles around an arena and groggy from post-concert revels, they were all packed into their van, and the producer told them that they would be filming the next challenge.
After the interview wrapped up, the ride was long, and mostly quiet - the reporter going over his notes, Sho studying his phrasebook, Aiba and Nino hooked up to the same iPad, heads tucked close together, and Ohno napping. Jun continuted to watch the scenery outside the window, wondering what kind of challenge could involve the outdoors, and -
- gigantic waterfalls and -
"Niagara," said Sho suddenly from beside him, appearing to realize it at the same moment that Jun did. "No way. You don't think they would actually…"
"Awesome! Did anyone see the staff loading in wetsuits?" Aiba asked.
"No," Sho said, sounding slightly reassured. His eyes tracked the roaring rush of the falls. "They're big, aren't they?" His voice seemed an octave higher than normal.
"Don't worry, Sho-kun," their manager said soothingly from the front seat. "It's not legal for people to go over the falls anymore."
"Oh. That's good."
"They did let someone tightrope a few years ago, though," the reporter piped up.
Nino patted Sho on the arm sympathetically. "Just remember," he said, "They aren't allowed to actually kill us."
+
Their van stopped near a hotel, and they were met by the show's camera crew and (a very jet-lagged) Oriental Radio, flanked by the Funky Girls, who had shed their usual costume for some very becoming red-and-white maple leaf dresses.
"If you think of Niagara Falls," Fujimori began gleefully, "You think of…"
"Death," Sho muttered under his breath.
"Weddings!" Nakata finished. "Niagara Falls is one of the most popular locations for weddings in the world. Unbelievably, thousands of weddings are performed here every year."
They all murmured feigned surprise with appropriately impressed expressions.
"And…?" Nino prodded, hoping to get to the point and thus, back to the heated hotel lobby more quickly.
"Annnd," Fujimori was wearing the gigantic shit-eating grin that only came out when someone was about to get brilliantly humiliated. "Arashi is really close, huh? You've been together a long time."
"Well...yes," Sho replied delicately, with the air of one who knew he was walking into a trap.
"We're very close," Aiba added, sealing the deal. "Underwear-sharing and all. Buddies."
"Well, when people have been together as long as you have," Fujimori said, "They start to consider marriage."
There was a long silence.
"So," Nakata said, oblivious to the building sense of panic, "Today, as a special challenge, we will be marrying you - "
"We're all guys," Aiba pointed out.
"And gay marriage is legal in Canada," Nakata flipped his cue cards and continued. "In a romantic, scenic, authentic Niagara Falls wedding ceremony - Kekkon no Arashi!"
There was, unsurprisingly, no applause.
"You can't marry all five of us," Sho said, over the staff's sniggering.
"Ah," Fujimori said. "That's true. We're going to have to decide who the lucky couple is."
Nino started blowing softly on his lucky janken fist.
"Winner or loser?" Aiba asked, as they gathered in a circle.
"Just get it over with quickly," Fujimori said. "We've got to stuff one of you into a gown before the ceremony starts."
+
The dress was a bluff, actually. Which was a shame, Jun thought, because seeing a surly Nino in a dress might have been the one bright spot in the whole affair.
Nino was in a canary yellow suit. Jun's was a pale violet. Someone had thoughtfully given the chaplain a rainbow tie.
"What do the rest of us get to do?" Aiba asked from where he was lounging on the sidelines. Next to him, Ohno was trying to get a better view of the falls; Sho had him by the back of his pants to prevent him from going over the guard rail.
"You're the Best Men, of course," Fujimori said grandly. "You're going to serenade them after they make their vows."
"One Love?" Sho asked.
"Love So Sweet," countered Aiba.
"Lucky Man?" Ohno offered, making a rare contribution.
"When this is all over," Jun said, "I'm going to have a little talk with the show's writers."
"Okay," shouted the producer. "Let's get ready for the take." Staff and cameras scrambled, and Jun and Nino were shuffled into place, make-up staff pausing to rearrange their clothes and hair one last time.
The chaplain was standing on a dais above them, and he gave Jun a kindly, somewhat sympathetic smile when he nodded in greeting to him.
"Okay - action!" were probably not the most romantic words to begin a wedding, Jun thought, but at the producer's words, a swell of quiet piano music filled the air, and the cameras focused in on them standing together in front of the makeshift altar, the falls roaring in the background.
Nino's expression was unreadable, and Jun fought to keep his own face straight as their stupid bandmates snickered off to the side.
"We are gathered here today," said the chaplain, "To witness the union of Jun and Kazunari."
Jun's English wasn't quite good enough to understand most of what was happening, and he could see that Nino was tuning most of it out, too, although he was trying his best to stare passionately and meaningfully into Jun's eyes. Professional to the core, Jun thought, letting his competitive side get the best of him and staring back with equal ferocity.
"And now for the vows," the chaplain announced.
A cue card popped up in Jun's line of sight past Nino's shoulder: MAKE IT GOOD.
Jun was no good at trying to be funny on the spur of the moment. They should have let Nino go first, he thought, a bit irritably. "I promise to love you forever," he said, trying to remember all of the cheesy drama lines he had memorized over the years. "I promise to stay by your side and support you. I promise to be yours, always."
Aiba pretended to swoon, and Sho whacked him in the ribs, though he was also smirking. The chaplain nodded, and turned to Nino.
Nino met Jun's eyes evenly. "I promise to remember that you hate cold coffee," he says. "I promise to let you borrow all of my manga, even when you dog-ear the pages. I promise to never touch your back to surprise you. I promise that I will never forget who you are, and why I'm with you."
Trust Nino to bring down the house, Jun thought. He could feel the tips of his ears burning a little bit as the staff and ADs made noises of approval.
"Do you, Kazunari, take this man to be your husband" A translator next to the chaplain swiftly translated the words for them.
Nino smiled cockily, right at Jun. "I do," he said in English.
This had better not be building to a kiss, Jun thought with building dread, as the chaplain turned to him. "I do," he said.
"Very good!" said the producer. "Let's cut the take there, and we'll move Camera 3 to the side of the alter so we can get a shot of their kiss with a full view of the falls."
"We what and the what?" Jun muttered darkly. Nino rubbed his eyes, looking tired.
"Aiba-san, Ohno-san, Sakurai-san, please get on standby to sing!" chirped an enthusiastic AD with an armful of microphones.
Jun met Nino's eyes, and was relieved to see his own discomfort and horror reflected there. The only thing worse than having to kiss your bandmate, in front of all your other bandmates, staff, managers, and oh yes, the population of Japan - was having to wait a full two minutes for it to happen.
Nino squeezed his hand. "Let's elope next time," he said quietly.
Jun linked his fingers with Nino. "Agreed." This is Nino, he reminded himself. It was Nino. He has nothing to be afraid of.
"I don't think I remember all of the words," Ohno mumbled sleepily, as he shuffled into position behind Nino.
"Let's make it a nice, passionate kiss," the producer said.
The cameras started rolling, and the chaplain started speaking again, although he looked more anxious than happy now, staring somewhat suspiciously at the cameras. Jun could barely make out the words he was saying over the thump of his heart, concentrating on meeting Nino's even stare.
The MAKE IT GOOD cue card popped up again. Jun realized suddenly that it was Aiba's handwriting, and he wanted to laugh, but Nino was leaning up, reaching a hand up around the back of Jun's neck to pull his head down to his level.
Jun has done kiss scenes too many times to count - Nino has too, of course. Neither of them are inexperienced in kissing for a camera. This was different, though, Jun thought. Maybe it was because he knew Nino too well - he wasn't thinking about how to angle his head or what it looked like. All he thought about were stupid, meandering things like soft and feeling tiny, electric prickles as Nino's fingers combed gently through the hair at the nape of his neck.
All gathered were hooting and clapping as they separated. Jun's cheeks felt red-hot, and he was relieved to see that Nino looked a little unsteady. "Good work," he said, trying to relieve the tension.
"Good work," Nino repeated, not meeting his eyes.
"Please sign here," said the interpreter, guiding them to a table nearby with a piece of paper laid out on it. "This is your wedding certificate."
"Oh good," said Nino. "I can keep it with my child-minder certificate."
Jun signed quickly, glad to have the whole ordeal over with. Maybe they would have time to go look at the falls now. He remembered to charge his camera this morning luckily, and he -
Suddenly, there were raised voices behind him. The chaplain had turned pale and was speaking at a furious speed to the interpreter.
"Oh," the interpreter said. "But isn't this just for the commemorative certificate?"
"What's going on?" Jun asked anxiously. The interpreter and the chaplain were both gesturing at the piece of paper that the chaplain had handed to Nino. Jun's English was only good enough to pick out tiny snatches of what was being said.
"…wouldn't perform unless…" the chaplain said, shaking his head. "civil justice…license…didn't know…wasn't serious."
"You can't possibly mean that this is legal," the interpreter said, looking close to tears.
"Holy shit," Sho said." He tugged the piece of paper out of Jun's hand and started trying to read it.
Jun had a bad feeling about all this. "Will someone please explain what's going on?"
The interpreter signaled the director to switch off the cameras. "This is my fault," he apologized, bowing to them. "I can't even begin to - I'm very sorry."
"This is a joke, isn't it?" Nino asked, smiling.
"No, it's not," Sho said. He handed Jun back the paper. "You're married. Legally married."
"Legally," Jun repeated, dumbfounded.
"Well, in Canada," Sho added.
Their manager made a dying noise.
"But that's not possible," Jun said. "I mean, we didn't want to actually get married."
"They can probably just reverse it," Nino said.
"It's not that simple," said the interpreter tersely. He looked like he wants to sink into the ground. He turned to their manager. "We're going to need to get a lawyer out here to deal with this."
Their manager frowned. "Is that really necessary? That could cause a lot of trouble."
"The chaplain says that we need to go talk to the provincial marriage authority," the interpreter said. "That application the staff submitted last week for this segment - there must have been a mix-up. I told them to apply for permission to conduct and film a mock wedding ceremony, but there must have been some miscommunication, because they ended up applying for a legal marriage certificate in your names."
"So that's why they needed our passports," Jun said, his brain emerging from the dim shell of shock, the gears in his brain beginning to whir furiously. "But we didn't know that. Does it really have to go through a legal process?"
"We'll get a lawyer," their manager said. "We'll clear this up as soon as possible."
"I'm really very sorry," the interpreter repeated, hands wringing. "I'll go ahead to the government marriage bureau and talk to them. I'll see what they can do." He bowed until his nose almost touches the pavement, then rushed off.
"So…" said Aiba, and Jun had known him long enough to see how clearly torn he is between being genuinely concerned and mature about a Serious Situation, and how much he desperately wanted to laugh his ass off.
"This will get done with quickly," Sho said reassuringly. "It was a mistake, everyone knows it was a mistake. This won't drag out long."
Ohno punched Nino in the shoulder - quite hard actually. "How dare you run off and marry another man," he whined. "I thought our love was special."
"It's your own fault," Nino shot back, slapping Ohno's butt. "You smell like gravy all the time now. And you never touch my special places anymore."
"Children, please," said their manager placidly, jabbing furiously at the touch screen of his phone.
Jun smiled, but he's kind of shocked to find his own knees shaking. Yes, it was all a mistake, but the fact that he had just legally married someone was still a blow. He looked over at Nino to find him smiling ruefully.
"Like getting your first kiss stolen by a variety show okama, right?" Nino said. "Don't worry, Jun-pon. I won't demand you do your wifely duty until you're ready. I'm an understanding and generous husband."
Aiba slung an arm around Jun's shoulders, pretending to hold a microphone to his face. "So, what are your thoughts on being the first legally-gaymarried idol in Japan?"
"I want a divorce," Jun said, with great feeling.
"I don't think that 'gaymarried' is a word," Sho said, frowning.
+
" - therefore, we will file for annulment on grounds of freedom of consent, arguing that the legal nature of the ceremony was misrepresented," Katsushima finished, folding his hands in front of him serenely on the table. On their return to Toronto, Jun and Nino had been herded into their manager's room, which had quickly become crisis management central.
It's been exactly four hours since their 'wedding', and now that Jun was out of that horrific pastel suit, had eaten a good meal, and was listening to the soothing tones of a professional, everything somehow seemed less scary.
Except the part about how this actually seemed more complicated than they had assumed, as well as far, far more time-consuming than anyone had guessed.
"Isn't there any other way?" Jun asked. "We have a concert in Vancouver the day after tomorrow. It would be great if we didn't have to deal with any 'Kiss Your Husband' uchiwa."
"Which would be so much more threatening than the usual 'Kiss Your Bandmate' ones," Nino said, although he sounded more tired than sarcastic.
Their lawyer hummed thoughtfully. "I suppose we could try to work an angle on capacity to consent - technically marriage has to involve the consensual consumption of the marriage…"
"Well, that's great!" their manager said. "As long as we can prove they haven't had sex with each other, we're set."
Considering how much time and careful planning is spent implying that they all did each other on a regular basis, Jun found it amazing that no one else seemed to catch the irony in that statement.
Katsushima shook his head. "I'm afraid capacity to consent doesn't extend to willingness to consent. Since they are both physically and mentally capable of such consent, the only possibility is an utter revulsion that would inhibit sexual relations -"
"I find the idea of sleeping with him repulsive," Jun volunteered.
"I break out in hives just thinking about his penis," Nino added. "Big, itchy hives."
" - and given an impressive selection of publicly available media documenting," Katsushima seemed to struggle to find the right words, "how close you are, I doubt that claim would be accepted. If anything, we would be likelier to lose."
"They wouldn't actually reject the claim," Jun protested. "There was no actual consent to a legal ceremony. They can't be stupid enough to believe we actually wanted to get married."
"It's a little more delicate that you might think." Katsushima took off his glasses, rubbing at his nose bridge. "There's been international attention on your case - and the Ontario Marriage Bureau is receiving a lot of negative press about allowing a television show to use a legally-binding ceremony for a joke segment. Therefore, they are being - shall we say, difficult to deal with? At the same time, the scrutiny puts them under pressure to follow due process rather than let you queue-jump simply because you embarrassed yourselves and them for a global audience."
"Which means?" Nino asked.
"You have a court hearing in three days to verify the authenticity of your claim and proceed with an annulment," Katsushima said. "The good news is that Matsumoto-san is right; there is virtually no chance that your claim will not be accepted. The bad news is that, until then, you are legally married. I apologize for any undue hardship, but this was the best compromise that I was able to reach. There are some…sore feelings on the bureau's part about having the institution of marriage mocked and misused."
"The Japanese embassy already contacted the production offices to complain," their manager added. "They've received grievances about this segment being demeaning and homophobic. They've released an official apology, and pulled this segment, but the Canadian and international media are already all over the story."
"We can apologize," Jun said immediately.
Katsushima shook his head. "You've done nothing wrong."
"When has that ever mattered?" Nino said, somewhat bitterly.
"It's only three days," their manager said. "We'll take care of the legal issues and the media. I'm organizing a press conference for the early afternoon at the hotel, so we'll meet again just after lunch. Until then, don't release any comments about this. I'll talk to the other members as well."
"You two are lucky, really," Katsushima added, "Until a year ago, it wasn't legal for non-residents who get married in Canada to divorce, never mind get an annulment. I'm sure that an exception would have been found for your case anyways, but well - let's just say it's one less problem to deal with."
"Well, that's comforting," Jun said, trying not to sound sarcastic. He knows that everyone is trying their best, but it irritates him that this situation is happening anyways.
"Go back to your rooms, get some rest," their manager said. It's not so much advice as instructions. "This isn't going to be fun, but it will work out."
Jun shifted restlessly in his chair, knowing what was coming. "Since we had the rest of the evening off and we're flying out tomorrow, I was hoping to go and - "
"I'm sorry," their manager said firmly. "Too risky. There are too many reporters along on this trip, and now the Canadian media is interested, too. Stay inside, both of you."
Nino shrugged, and Jun felt even more irritated. Of course he didn't care - he was probably happy to be told to stay in his room for once. Anyways, Nino never responded to these things with anger, which was probably good - Arashi could stay peaceful because not all of them had a quick temper - but his apathy could be a little grating sometimes.
Nino had the right of it, though - it was no sense to get angry. They weren't in control of anything that was happening. All they could do was wait, and let things work themselves out.
Don't act like a child, he told himself. You're past the stage for temper tantrums
"All right," he said finally. "Thank you for your help," he says to the lawyer, who bowed deeply in response.
Nino followed him out of the room. "Thought you might rip a new hole in someone," he said, his voice light, as they got close to the elevators.
Jun pressed the button for the sixth floor. "It wouldn't help, would it?"
"My Jun-pon, all grown up, and controlling his emotions," Nino sighed. "Who can I possibly provoke for fun now?"
"I could always make an exception," Jun suggested, as they got into the elevator. "Ripping occasional holes can be…therapeutic."
Nino laughed. It wasn't actually that often that he heard Nino laugh, honestly, like he was surprised.
"Jun, Nino!" Aiba rushed towards the elevator, barely managing to stick his arm between the doors as they started to slide together. "Great, I caught you guys!" He joined them in the elevator. "I heard from the producer - you're under room arrest, huh?" He waved a key card in the air, grinning wildly. "Let me show you to your cell."
+
Sometimes Aiba had good ideas. Sometimes, Jun found him hilarious. And yet, there were times like these where Jun wanted to punch him in the face. They were few and far in between, mind, but they did happen.
"This," Jun said, carefully controlled, "was not a good idea."
Nino is even more blunt. "You're a fucking blockhead."
Aiba grinned even wider, eyes crinkling at the corners. He knew exactly what he was doing. "I put extra condoms in the bedside drawer, and there are ten flavours of lube!"
"Did you even clear re-booking the room with the managers?" Jun asked incredulously.
Aiba's smile twitched nervously, but he shrugged - Aiba was not stupid, and it wasn't that he couldn't predict the consequences of his actions - he just often chose to ignore them in favour of greater fun.
"They won't mind. I've got a key card copy for them, and it's not on management's tab." He grinned luridly. "I'll make sure to tell them to knock first."
"It's not on management's tab?" Jun repeated. Nino crossed his arms, his frown turning more pensive. "Masaki, if you used your own money for a stupid joke…"
"I didn't!" Aiba protested. "Well - not alone. Sho-chan and Leader helped. I just - we wanted you guys to be comfortable, since you're stuck here."
"You're too kind," Nino deadpanned, but he sets down his suitcase at last. He knocked a heart-shaped pillow off the king-sized bed disdainfully.
"I'm sorry about the condoms and stuff. That was just a joke, and you don't have to use them," Aiba said earnestly. "Unless you want to, of course."
"Aiba-chan," Sho's voice called from down the hallway. "Jun's manager is looking for you."
"See you! The walls are sound-proofed, so you can feel free to enjoy yourself!" Aiba beamed cheerfully and bounded off out of the door and down the hall.
"Screw this," Nino said. "It's a room, and we're under lockdown anyways. Let's just get room service and watch TV. I wonder if there's a Wii."
"They don't put Wii in honeymoon suites," Jun said, "because most people are too busy fucking to play video games."
"They should know that Wii can be very helpful in bed." Nino fell back dramatically onto the - extremely opulent - king-sized bed.
Jun paused on his way to the bathroom, and then he decided that he didn't want to know if Nino is joking. "I'm taking a bath," he said.
"Gross."
"Not for you."
"Okay," Nino said, flopped over the edge of the bed and digging in his suitcase. He pulled out a thick volume of manga. "You've got ten minutes before I barge in and suck you off."
"Just because they want to be perverts doesn't mean that you have to play along."
"I know," Nino said, flipping through his manga. "The things that I do out of the goodness of my soul, really."
The bath was blissfully hot, and the warmth lingers in his skin, his muscles loosening and shoulders sinking in relaxation. He stared at the wall across from the tub - part of him felt like it was trying to process something enormously important, while another part of him was rejecting the significance of the whole matter.
He was married to Nino. Legally, on-paper married. For at least the next week.
It wasn't not a big deal, though. It really wasn't - they didn't want to be married. It was a mistake, and the whole thing is going to be dealt with. It was inconvenient, but it was going to be fine.
Married, though. Jun sunk down in the bath up to his chin.
It had never been an issue, being gay - no, that's a lie. He had never let it be an issue. He had never even told the rest of Arashi - he had no idea if they had figured it out on their own, but they had never said anything.
So - aside from it being a joke, a stupid accident - Jun was probably never again in his life going to experience this. It probably wouldn't have occurred to him to think about this if it had been a stranger, but - well.
If he was honest with himself, he has probably had a dumb crush on every single one of his bandmates at one point or another. It had with started Sho when he was young and too naïve to really hide his feelings, because the chance of having them returned seemed so possible - but it hadn't stopped with that. Jun just got better at hiding.
"Stop being stupid," he said out loud to himself, forgetting for a moment that he wasn't alone in the hotel room. He got out of the tub and pulled the plug, standing dripping onto a towel while he watched the water swirl down the drain.
Nino was already sleeping when Jun came out of the bathroom. He was sprawled out under the covers, manga on the floor near the bed.
Jun was too tired to feel awkward anymore - much. He turned off the lights, the moonlight from the still-open blinds lighting up the room in faint silver stripes. The bed was big enough that he slid in without even making a dip in the mattress near Nino. He lay on his side for awhile, watching to see if Nino was really sleeping, or just faking. He wasn't sure he could tell, but the rise and fall of Nino's chest looked natural, and Jun found himself unconsciously falling into the same pattern as he lay still and his breathing slowed. There was something vulnerable about the soft pout of Nino's mouth in sleep, such a contrast to the sharpness of his staring -
Oh.
Jun felt his ears turn red, and was grateful that it was too dark to see properly. Nino's mouth was curved in a smirk, but his eyes were asking a different question altogether.
"Creeper," Nino's voice was scratchy with sleep. "I knew you would wait until I was sleeping to start perving on my innocent little body."
Jun reached over to whack him. "Just trying to check if you're still breathing."
Nino caught his wrist. "There's easier ways to do that."
Jun felt his heart stutter and speed up. Nino was using Jun's hand to lever himself closer to Jun, until their faces were barely inches apart. It was too close, and Jun found himself trying to shrink back to the edge of the bed.
"Like this," Nino said gravely, and huffed heavily right in Jun's face.
"Eurgh!" Jun nearly fell right off the bed. The smell wasn't that bad, but it was not pleasant. "Go brush your teeth, toilet mouth."
Nino laughed, rolling himself over Jun's body and stumbling towards the bathroom. "Wait for me, dearest."
Jun grabbed two pillows and barricaded himself in, willing his heart to slow down again.
It was going to be a long night.
+
"The staff is checking with the Guinness Book of World Records," Aiba said the next morning over breakfast. "They're pretty sure that we can get the record for boybands with legally married members now."
"Aiba," Sho said warningly. "Stop it. You're bothering them."
"I only -" Aiba flailed in the absence of approval for his idiocy, and Jun smiled gratefully at Sho.
"I mean," Sho said peaceably, munching into his fourth piece of toast. "It is their honeymoon."
When their manager came to check them, Sho was still trying to extract grapefruit pulp from his nose, and Ohno had snorted milk onto the tablecloth. Nino was whistling contentedly under his breath as he tapped at his poached egg.
Part of the incongruity of being half a world away from home was that time itself felt somehow disjointed. The entire marriage fiasco and ensuing drama had taken place over the course of an entire day and evening, but most of Japan was only barely waking up by the end of the say in Canada - and while they slept in Canada, the events of the day had clearly caught up some attention back home.
"People think it's hilarious, mostly," Sho said. "It'll blow over quickly, so there's no need to worry."
"That's reassuring," Nino grouched, swirling the yolk of his egg into patterns on his plate.
"Stop playing with your food," Jun said automatically. "It's gross."
"You're not my mother," Nino said.
"He's your husband," Aiba said, with no small amount of glee.
Nino put down his spoon. "I miss Japanese food," he said plaintively.
"I know a good restaurant I went to during the Olympics in Vancouver," Sho said coaxingly.
"I'll take you there when we arrive."
Nino nodded, but Jun could still see a faint pinch in his forehead, the frown not quite leaving his face. Nino rarely bothered to complain - he would whine about stupid things, but he was pretty stoic when he was actually unhappy. Still, it had only been four days since they left Tokyo; Jun didn't really see how he can be homesick already.
Their manager dropped into the chair next to Jun, his tie crooked, clutching a piece of toast. "Well, it's all settled," he said, taking a giant bite of the toast. "You're going to have a bit of an extended trip."
"Extended?" Jun said, with Nino echoing him in a slightly more murderous tone.
"Can't be helped," their manager said peaceably, with the air of a man who had given into the ring of sharks and decided to die peacefully. "It's upended schedules and all to no end, but unless you want to return as Japan's most famous newlyweds, this is how it's going to be. After the Vancouver concert and the VS Arashi taping, the other three will return to Japan directly, as planned. Nino and Matsujun will go to Ottawa for the annulment hearing. We've managed to cancel or delay any engagements for you two for that time. After the hearing has been resolved, you will return to Tokyo on a direct flight from Toronto."
"What if we're delayed longer than that?" Jun asked.
Their manager smiled. "I don't think there's any risk of that, unless one of you decides to drop the suit."
There was a silence that was infinitely more awkward than it was supposed to be.
"That was a joke, guys," their manager heaved himself back upwards. "And it had better stay a joke, or I will have your balls."
"They're already married," Aiba pointed out. "That's adultery."
+
"Jun-kun," Ohno said, as they are all drifting away from the breakfast table, putting his hand on Jun's arm. "Can we talk?"
The request was so unlike Ohno that Jun was momentarily stunned. Ohno's eyes were serious, though, so Jun slowed his pace so they fall behind the others. "Of course - here, or -"
"We can take the stairs," Ohno suggested.
"All right." He had no clue what Ohno wanted to talk about, but he had a feeling it had something to do with his newlywed status. Beyond that - no clue.
They walk in silence up the first two flights, and Ohno's expression is entirely unperturbed. Finally, Jun decides to break the silence.
"Is this about me being married to Nino?"
"Hmm," Ohno said, and frowns, then adds, "Yes, but not - well, that, too." He scratched his head. "I'm not really good at saying these things."
Jun continued to wait patiently, and after another flight, Ohno said, "The room wasn't Aiba's idea."
This seemed like a random place to start from, but Jun waited patiently. Ohno's words usually came at the speed of a two-fingered typist, and it's no point interrupting at the start.
"The staff had planned it as part of the segment," Ohno continued. "As a joke. But after the whole thing went wrong, well - anyways, your old rooms had been cancelled, and the whole hotel was booked. Aiba was worried that you would get angry at the staff or something -"
"I wouldn't get angry," Jun muttered.
"I know," Ohno said. "Still, he thought if he passed it off as a joke on his part, it would go over better."
"He's such an idiot," Jun said gruffly, but his heart isn't in it.
"About Nino," Ohno frowned, "Nino is - he might act like it's all a joke, but that doesn't mean he doesn't take things seriously."
"Seriously?" Jun was lost. "What do you mean, seriously?"
Ohno shrugged. "It'll be over soon enough," he says evasively. "Things will be fine."
"Right." Jun felt like they were having two entirely separate conversations. They get out on the tenth floor and head separately towards their own rooms. If possible, he's more confused than before.
Part 2
cross-posted to kotobayori
Jun/Nino | 嵐 RPS | R | ~14,000 words
This was - and it's shameful to even admit it - a request from help_japan, made over 3 years ago. I'm not sure if the requester is even around fandom anymore, but they were kind enough to never harass me, despite having made a generous donation against this fic's existence.
So, _ore_sama_ - if you're out there, I'm sorry that this took so long - but I hope that it's worth it.
A huge thank you to tangiblewhimsy, honooko, and nicefinalbeam for encouraging me and reading this in various drafts for the past couple of years! ♥
"What's your impression of Canada?"
It's about the fourteenth time they've answered this question so far, and the answers are getting as predictable as the question itself.
"Everyone is very polite," Jun said.
"Great beer," Aiba added.
"Freezing," Nino's words were muffled by the scarf wrapped around his face.
"Poutine," said Ohno, who was seconded by a vigorously nodding Sho and Aiba. Ever since the Montreal concert, their van had started to give off a permanent smell of gravy.
Aiba immediately launched into a long anecdote about he and Ohno setting out from their hotel after drinking in Ohno's room in search of poutine at 2:00AM. Jun took the opportunity to lean back and look at the scenery out of the window of the van.
It was a tight schedule, of course - most of their interviews were being done en-route to different places. Still, Jun couldn't really get his energy up - last night's concert had been amazing, but as always, exhausting.
Jun was enjoying the tour - it had seemed like a bit of a strange idea at first, the Arashi 'Lucky Hit' World Tour. Management had been unenthusiastic about pouring money into a concert tour in a foreign country that might not be profitable. Jun had been the one who proposed focusing on smaller concert halls in several cities, rather than a single big arena. They would make up slow sales by offering ticket and tour packages to Japanese fans, as they had done in the past. They had done analyses of several countries using the international fan club they had formed years before as a basis and shown that it could work, although it wouldn't bring in much money - if anything, it might raise their international profile.
The producer for Shiyagare had jumped at the chance to join the tour, which would be one week long, to film a special episode. Because of this, the country to which they would go was to decided on the show, live. In public, they remained impartial, but they all had their preferences - Jun had been secretly hoping for France or at least somewhere in Europe; he knew that Sho had wanted to go to South America, and both Aiba and Ohno had been hoping for America.
Nino, when pressed for his opinion, only said, "Hokkaido".
However, after all the discussions and planning, it had all boiled down to a large, spinning dart board with the names of 10 countries that contained members of their international fanclub, minus countries in which they had already held concerts (management had also set a minimum cap of fanclub members to include a country, lest they go to Bhutan and hold a personal concert for three very delighted fans), and the cameras focused on Ohno as he won the janken game to throw the dart.
Ohno had closed his eyes, let the dart fly, and when the wheel had stopped spinning, they all paused a moment for dramatic effect - or in Ohno's case, to puzzle briefly over the katakana.
"We're going to die," Nino had proclaimed in the green room, after they had finished filming. "It's a winter tour. We are going to freeze and die."
"It can't be that cold," Jun had scoffed, "People do actually live there."(A sentiment which, within a few months became how do people actually live there?)
In the end, it had become a three city tour - Montreal, Toronto and Vancouver. To management's surprise, well over three-quarters of the tickets were sold out before opening them to the Japanese fan club, and things began to get seriously underway. They all took intensive English lessons (Sho started French lessons, arguing Canada had two official languages), tour goods were designed, the set list was constructed, and before Jun knew it, he was walking off a plane and realizing that he should have packed many, many more sweaters than he had.
The cold aside, it was fun to travel as a relative unknown - they could easily walk around and browse or do touristy things without much worry about being recognized. There was security, of course, but things were looser than they were used to, and it was a nice change.
Filming Shiyagare while traveling was interesting. Since the staff was insistent on "spontaneous Arashi", they didn't have to worry much about memorizing scripts or planning. They usually just had to go about their business and wait for a 'challenge' to happen, at an apparently random (though carefully cleared by management, producers, and any other number of personnel beforehand) time.
Aiba had been the first to have his turn in Montreal, when he was unceremoniously "kidnapped", driven to a random point in the city with a single cameraman, and instructed to navigate his way to the restaurant they were meeting for lunch with no address, and only his English skills to guide him.
Unfortunately for him, the neighbourhood was quite Quebeçois, and the only French that Aiba had managed to pick up was from when he had been playing around with Sho's electronic dictionary and bookmarking all the dirty words he could find.
True to the rule of variety shows, it was hilarious when it happened to someone else.
Early this morning, sore from running circles around an arena and groggy from post-concert revels, they were all packed into their van, and the producer told them that they would be filming the next challenge.
After the interview wrapped up, the ride was long, and mostly quiet - the reporter going over his notes, Sho studying his phrasebook, Aiba and Nino hooked up to the same iPad, heads tucked close together, and Ohno napping. Jun continuted to watch the scenery outside the window, wondering what kind of challenge could involve the outdoors, and -
- gigantic waterfalls and -
"Niagara," said Sho suddenly from beside him, appearing to realize it at the same moment that Jun did. "No way. You don't think they would actually…"
"Awesome! Did anyone see the staff loading in wetsuits?" Aiba asked.
"No," Sho said, sounding slightly reassured. His eyes tracked the roaring rush of the falls. "They're big, aren't they?" His voice seemed an octave higher than normal.
"Don't worry, Sho-kun," their manager said soothingly from the front seat. "It's not legal for people to go over the falls anymore."
"Oh. That's good."
"They did let someone tightrope a few years ago, though," the reporter piped up.
Nino patted Sho on the arm sympathetically. "Just remember," he said, "They aren't allowed to actually kill us."
+
Their van stopped near a hotel, and they were met by the show's camera crew and (a very jet-lagged) Oriental Radio, flanked by the Funky Girls, who had shed their usual costume for some very becoming red-and-white maple leaf dresses.
"If you think of Niagara Falls," Fujimori began gleefully, "You think of…"
"Death," Sho muttered under his breath.
"Weddings!" Nakata finished. "Niagara Falls is one of the most popular locations for weddings in the world. Unbelievably, thousands of weddings are performed here every year."
They all murmured feigned surprise with appropriately impressed expressions.
"And…?" Nino prodded, hoping to get to the point and thus, back to the heated hotel lobby more quickly.
"Annnd," Fujimori was wearing the gigantic shit-eating grin that only came out when someone was about to get brilliantly humiliated. "Arashi is really close, huh? You've been together a long time."
"Well...yes," Sho replied delicately, with the air of one who knew he was walking into a trap.
"We're very close," Aiba added, sealing the deal. "Underwear-sharing and all. Buddies."
"Well, when people have been together as long as you have," Fujimori said, "They start to consider marriage."
There was a long silence.
"So," Nakata said, oblivious to the building sense of panic, "Today, as a special challenge, we will be marrying you - "
"We're all guys," Aiba pointed out.
"And gay marriage is legal in Canada," Nakata flipped his cue cards and continued. "In a romantic, scenic, authentic Niagara Falls wedding ceremony - Kekkon no Arashi!"
There was, unsurprisingly, no applause.
"You can't marry all five of us," Sho said, over the staff's sniggering.
"Ah," Fujimori said. "That's true. We're going to have to decide who the lucky couple is."
Nino started blowing softly on his lucky janken fist.
"Winner or loser?" Aiba asked, as they gathered in a circle.
"Just get it over with quickly," Fujimori said. "We've got to stuff one of you into a gown before the ceremony starts."
+
The dress was a bluff, actually. Which was a shame, Jun thought, because seeing a surly Nino in a dress might have been the one bright spot in the whole affair.
Nino was in a canary yellow suit. Jun's was a pale violet. Someone had thoughtfully given the chaplain a rainbow tie.
"What do the rest of us get to do?" Aiba asked from where he was lounging on the sidelines. Next to him, Ohno was trying to get a better view of the falls; Sho had him by the back of his pants to prevent him from going over the guard rail.
"You're the Best Men, of course," Fujimori said grandly. "You're going to serenade them after they make their vows."
"One Love?" Sho asked.
"Love So Sweet," countered Aiba.
"Lucky Man?" Ohno offered, making a rare contribution.
"When this is all over," Jun said, "I'm going to have a little talk with the show's writers."
"Okay," shouted the producer. "Let's get ready for the take." Staff and cameras scrambled, and Jun and Nino were shuffled into place, make-up staff pausing to rearrange their clothes and hair one last time.
The chaplain was standing on a dais above them, and he gave Jun a kindly, somewhat sympathetic smile when he nodded in greeting to him.
"Okay - action!" were probably not the most romantic words to begin a wedding, Jun thought, but at the producer's words, a swell of quiet piano music filled the air, and the cameras focused in on them standing together in front of the makeshift altar, the falls roaring in the background.
Nino's expression was unreadable, and Jun fought to keep his own face straight as their stupid bandmates snickered off to the side.
"We are gathered here today," said the chaplain, "To witness the union of Jun and Kazunari."
Jun's English wasn't quite good enough to understand most of what was happening, and he could see that Nino was tuning most of it out, too, although he was trying his best to stare passionately and meaningfully into Jun's eyes. Professional to the core, Jun thought, letting his competitive side get the best of him and staring back with equal ferocity.
"And now for the vows," the chaplain announced.
A cue card popped up in Jun's line of sight past Nino's shoulder: MAKE IT GOOD.
Jun was no good at trying to be funny on the spur of the moment. They should have let Nino go first, he thought, a bit irritably. "I promise to love you forever," he said, trying to remember all of the cheesy drama lines he had memorized over the years. "I promise to stay by your side and support you. I promise to be yours, always."
Aiba pretended to swoon, and Sho whacked him in the ribs, though he was also smirking. The chaplain nodded, and turned to Nino.
Nino met Jun's eyes evenly. "I promise to remember that you hate cold coffee," he says. "I promise to let you borrow all of my manga, even when you dog-ear the pages. I promise to never touch your back to surprise you. I promise that I will never forget who you are, and why I'm with you."
Trust Nino to bring down the house, Jun thought. He could feel the tips of his ears burning a little bit as the staff and ADs made noises of approval.
"Do you, Kazunari, take this man to be your husband" A translator next to the chaplain swiftly translated the words for them.
Nino smiled cockily, right at Jun. "I do," he said in English.
This had better not be building to a kiss, Jun thought with building dread, as the chaplain turned to him. "I do," he said.
"Very good!" said the producer. "Let's cut the take there, and we'll move Camera 3 to the side of the alter so we can get a shot of their kiss with a full view of the falls."
"We what and the what?" Jun muttered darkly. Nino rubbed his eyes, looking tired.
"Aiba-san, Ohno-san, Sakurai-san, please get on standby to sing!" chirped an enthusiastic AD with an armful of microphones.
Jun met Nino's eyes, and was relieved to see his own discomfort and horror reflected there. The only thing worse than having to kiss your bandmate, in front of all your other bandmates, staff, managers, and oh yes, the population of Japan - was having to wait a full two minutes for it to happen.
Nino squeezed his hand. "Let's elope next time," he said quietly.
Jun linked his fingers with Nino. "Agreed." This is Nino, he reminded himself. It was Nino. He has nothing to be afraid of.
"I don't think I remember all of the words," Ohno mumbled sleepily, as he shuffled into position behind Nino.
"Let's make it a nice, passionate kiss," the producer said.
The cameras started rolling, and the chaplain started speaking again, although he looked more anxious than happy now, staring somewhat suspiciously at the cameras. Jun could barely make out the words he was saying over the thump of his heart, concentrating on meeting Nino's even stare.
The MAKE IT GOOD cue card popped up again. Jun realized suddenly that it was Aiba's handwriting, and he wanted to laugh, but Nino was leaning up, reaching a hand up around the back of Jun's neck to pull his head down to his level.
Jun has done kiss scenes too many times to count - Nino has too, of course. Neither of them are inexperienced in kissing for a camera. This was different, though, Jun thought. Maybe it was because he knew Nino too well - he wasn't thinking about how to angle his head or what it looked like. All he thought about were stupid, meandering things like soft and feeling tiny, electric prickles as Nino's fingers combed gently through the hair at the nape of his neck.
All gathered were hooting and clapping as they separated. Jun's cheeks felt red-hot, and he was relieved to see that Nino looked a little unsteady. "Good work," he said, trying to relieve the tension.
"Good work," Nino repeated, not meeting his eyes.
"Please sign here," said the interpreter, guiding them to a table nearby with a piece of paper laid out on it. "This is your wedding certificate."
"Oh good," said Nino. "I can keep it with my child-minder certificate."
Jun signed quickly, glad to have the whole ordeal over with. Maybe they would have time to go look at the falls now. He remembered to charge his camera this morning luckily, and he -
Suddenly, there were raised voices behind him. The chaplain had turned pale and was speaking at a furious speed to the interpreter.
"Oh," the interpreter said. "But isn't this just for the commemorative certificate?"
"What's going on?" Jun asked anxiously. The interpreter and the chaplain were both gesturing at the piece of paper that the chaplain had handed to Nino. Jun's English was only good enough to pick out tiny snatches of what was being said.
"…wouldn't perform unless…" the chaplain said, shaking his head. "civil justice…license…didn't know…wasn't serious."
"You can't possibly mean that this is legal," the interpreter said, looking close to tears.
"Holy shit," Sho said." He tugged the piece of paper out of Jun's hand and started trying to read it.
Jun had a bad feeling about all this. "Will someone please explain what's going on?"
The interpreter signaled the director to switch off the cameras. "This is my fault," he apologized, bowing to them. "I can't even begin to - I'm very sorry."
"This is a joke, isn't it?" Nino asked, smiling.
"No, it's not," Sho said. He handed Jun back the paper. "You're married. Legally married."
"Legally," Jun repeated, dumbfounded.
"Well, in Canada," Sho added.
Their manager made a dying noise.
"But that's not possible," Jun said. "I mean, we didn't want to actually get married."
"They can probably just reverse it," Nino said.
"It's not that simple," said the interpreter tersely. He looked like he wants to sink into the ground. He turned to their manager. "We're going to need to get a lawyer out here to deal with this."
Their manager frowned. "Is that really necessary? That could cause a lot of trouble."
"The chaplain says that we need to go talk to the provincial marriage authority," the interpreter said. "That application the staff submitted last week for this segment - there must have been a mix-up. I told them to apply for permission to conduct and film a mock wedding ceremony, but there must have been some miscommunication, because they ended up applying for a legal marriage certificate in your names."
"So that's why they needed our passports," Jun said, his brain emerging from the dim shell of shock, the gears in his brain beginning to whir furiously. "But we didn't know that. Does it really have to go through a legal process?"
"We'll get a lawyer," their manager said. "We'll clear this up as soon as possible."
"I'm really very sorry," the interpreter repeated, hands wringing. "I'll go ahead to the government marriage bureau and talk to them. I'll see what they can do." He bowed until his nose almost touches the pavement, then rushed off.
"So…" said Aiba, and Jun had known him long enough to see how clearly torn he is between being genuinely concerned and mature about a Serious Situation, and how much he desperately wanted to laugh his ass off.
"This will get done with quickly," Sho said reassuringly. "It was a mistake, everyone knows it was a mistake. This won't drag out long."
Ohno punched Nino in the shoulder - quite hard actually. "How dare you run off and marry another man," he whined. "I thought our love was special."
"It's your own fault," Nino shot back, slapping Ohno's butt. "You smell like gravy all the time now. And you never touch my special places anymore."
"Children, please," said their manager placidly, jabbing furiously at the touch screen of his phone.
Jun smiled, but he's kind of shocked to find his own knees shaking. Yes, it was all a mistake, but the fact that he had just legally married someone was still a blow. He looked over at Nino to find him smiling ruefully.
"Like getting your first kiss stolen by a variety show okama, right?" Nino said. "Don't worry, Jun-pon. I won't demand you do your wifely duty until you're ready. I'm an understanding and generous husband."
Aiba slung an arm around Jun's shoulders, pretending to hold a microphone to his face. "So, what are your thoughts on being the first legally-gaymarried idol in Japan?"
"I want a divorce," Jun said, with great feeling.
"I don't think that 'gaymarried' is a word," Sho said, frowning.
+
" - therefore, we will file for annulment on grounds of freedom of consent, arguing that the legal nature of the ceremony was misrepresented," Katsushima finished, folding his hands in front of him serenely on the table. On their return to Toronto, Jun and Nino had been herded into their manager's room, which had quickly become crisis management central.
It's been exactly four hours since their 'wedding', and now that Jun was out of that horrific pastel suit, had eaten a good meal, and was listening to the soothing tones of a professional, everything somehow seemed less scary.
Except the part about how this actually seemed more complicated than they had assumed, as well as far, far more time-consuming than anyone had guessed.
"Isn't there any other way?" Jun asked. "We have a concert in Vancouver the day after tomorrow. It would be great if we didn't have to deal with any 'Kiss Your Husband' uchiwa."
"Which would be so much more threatening than the usual 'Kiss Your Bandmate' ones," Nino said, although he sounded more tired than sarcastic.
Their lawyer hummed thoughtfully. "I suppose we could try to work an angle on capacity to consent - technically marriage has to involve the consensual consumption of the marriage…"
"Well, that's great!" their manager said. "As long as we can prove they haven't had sex with each other, we're set."
Considering how much time and careful planning is spent implying that they all did each other on a regular basis, Jun found it amazing that no one else seemed to catch the irony in that statement.
Katsushima shook his head. "I'm afraid capacity to consent doesn't extend to willingness to consent. Since they are both physically and mentally capable of such consent, the only possibility is an utter revulsion that would inhibit sexual relations -"
"I find the idea of sleeping with him repulsive," Jun volunteered.
"I break out in hives just thinking about his penis," Nino added. "Big, itchy hives."
" - and given an impressive selection of publicly available media documenting," Katsushima seemed to struggle to find the right words, "how close you are, I doubt that claim would be accepted. If anything, we would be likelier to lose."
"They wouldn't actually reject the claim," Jun protested. "There was no actual consent to a legal ceremony. They can't be stupid enough to believe we actually wanted to get married."
"It's a little more delicate that you might think." Katsushima took off his glasses, rubbing at his nose bridge. "There's been international attention on your case - and the Ontario Marriage Bureau is receiving a lot of negative press about allowing a television show to use a legally-binding ceremony for a joke segment. Therefore, they are being - shall we say, difficult to deal with? At the same time, the scrutiny puts them under pressure to follow due process rather than let you queue-jump simply because you embarrassed yourselves and them for a global audience."
"Which means?" Nino asked.
"You have a court hearing in three days to verify the authenticity of your claim and proceed with an annulment," Katsushima said. "The good news is that Matsumoto-san is right; there is virtually no chance that your claim will not be accepted. The bad news is that, until then, you are legally married. I apologize for any undue hardship, but this was the best compromise that I was able to reach. There are some…sore feelings on the bureau's part about having the institution of marriage mocked and misused."
"The Japanese embassy already contacted the production offices to complain," their manager added. "They've received grievances about this segment being demeaning and homophobic. They've released an official apology, and pulled this segment, but the Canadian and international media are already all over the story."
"We can apologize," Jun said immediately.
Katsushima shook his head. "You've done nothing wrong."
"When has that ever mattered?" Nino said, somewhat bitterly.
"It's only three days," their manager said. "We'll take care of the legal issues and the media. I'm organizing a press conference for the early afternoon at the hotel, so we'll meet again just after lunch. Until then, don't release any comments about this. I'll talk to the other members as well."
"You two are lucky, really," Katsushima added, "Until a year ago, it wasn't legal for non-residents who get married in Canada to divorce, never mind get an annulment. I'm sure that an exception would have been found for your case anyways, but well - let's just say it's one less problem to deal with."
"Well, that's comforting," Jun said, trying not to sound sarcastic. He knows that everyone is trying their best, but it irritates him that this situation is happening anyways.
"Go back to your rooms, get some rest," their manager said. It's not so much advice as instructions. "This isn't going to be fun, but it will work out."
Jun shifted restlessly in his chair, knowing what was coming. "Since we had the rest of the evening off and we're flying out tomorrow, I was hoping to go and - "
"I'm sorry," their manager said firmly. "Too risky. There are too many reporters along on this trip, and now the Canadian media is interested, too. Stay inside, both of you."
Nino shrugged, and Jun felt even more irritated. Of course he didn't care - he was probably happy to be told to stay in his room for once. Anyways, Nino never responded to these things with anger, which was probably good - Arashi could stay peaceful because not all of them had a quick temper - but his apathy could be a little grating sometimes.
Nino had the right of it, though - it was no sense to get angry. They weren't in control of anything that was happening. All they could do was wait, and let things work themselves out.
Don't act like a child, he told himself. You're past the stage for temper tantrums
"All right," he said finally. "Thank you for your help," he says to the lawyer, who bowed deeply in response.
Nino followed him out of the room. "Thought you might rip a new hole in someone," he said, his voice light, as they got close to the elevators.
Jun pressed the button for the sixth floor. "It wouldn't help, would it?"
"My Jun-pon, all grown up, and controlling his emotions," Nino sighed. "Who can I possibly provoke for fun now?"
"I could always make an exception," Jun suggested, as they got into the elevator. "Ripping occasional holes can be…therapeutic."
Nino laughed. It wasn't actually that often that he heard Nino laugh, honestly, like he was surprised.
"Jun, Nino!" Aiba rushed towards the elevator, barely managing to stick his arm between the doors as they started to slide together. "Great, I caught you guys!" He joined them in the elevator. "I heard from the producer - you're under room arrest, huh?" He waved a key card in the air, grinning wildly. "Let me show you to your cell."
+
Sometimes Aiba had good ideas. Sometimes, Jun found him hilarious. And yet, there were times like these where Jun wanted to punch him in the face. They were few and far in between, mind, but they did happen.
"This," Jun said, carefully controlled, "was not a good idea."
Nino is even more blunt. "You're a fucking blockhead."
Aiba grinned even wider, eyes crinkling at the corners. He knew exactly what he was doing. "I put extra condoms in the bedside drawer, and there are ten flavours of lube!"
"Did you even clear re-booking the room with the managers?" Jun asked incredulously.
Aiba's smile twitched nervously, but he shrugged - Aiba was not stupid, and it wasn't that he couldn't predict the consequences of his actions - he just often chose to ignore them in favour of greater fun.
"They won't mind. I've got a key card copy for them, and it's not on management's tab." He grinned luridly. "I'll make sure to tell them to knock first."
"It's not on management's tab?" Jun repeated. Nino crossed his arms, his frown turning more pensive. "Masaki, if you used your own money for a stupid joke…"
"I didn't!" Aiba protested. "Well - not alone. Sho-chan and Leader helped. I just - we wanted you guys to be comfortable, since you're stuck here."
"You're too kind," Nino deadpanned, but he sets down his suitcase at last. He knocked a heart-shaped pillow off the king-sized bed disdainfully.
"I'm sorry about the condoms and stuff. That was just a joke, and you don't have to use them," Aiba said earnestly. "Unless you want to, of course."
"Aiba-chan," Sho's voice called from down the hallway. "Jun's manager is looking for you."
"See you! The walls are sound-proofed, so you can feel free to enjoy yourself!" Aiba beamed cheerfully and bounded off out of the door and down the hall.
"Screw this," Nino said. "It's a room, and we're under lockdown anyways. Let's just get room service and watch TV. I wonder if there's a Wii."
"They don't put Wii in honeymoon suites," Jun said, "because most people are too busy fucking to play video games."
"They should know that Wii can be very helpful in bed." Nino fell back dramatically onto the - extremely opulent - king-sized bed.
Jun paused on his way to the bathroom, and then he decided that he didn't want to know if Nino is joking. "I'm taking a bath," he said.
"Gross."
"Not for you."
"Okay," Nino said, flopped over the edge of the bed and digging in his suitcase. He pulled out a thick volume of manga. "You've got ten minutes before I barge in and suck you off."
"Just because they want to be perverts doesn't mean that you have to play along."
"I know," Nino said, flipping through his manga. "The things that I do out of the goodness of my soul, really."
The bath was blissfully hot, and the warmth lingers in his skin, his muscles loosening and shoulders sinking in relaxation. He stared at the wall across from the tub - part of him felt like it was trying to process something enormously important, while another part of him was rejecting the significance of the whole matter.
He was married to Nino. Legally, on-paper married. For at least the next week.
It wasn't not a big deal, though. It really wasn't - they didn't want to be married. It was a mistake, and the whole thing is going to be dealt with. It was inconvenient, but it was going to be fine.
Married, though. Jun sunk down in the bath up to his chin.
It had never been an issue, being gay - no, that's a lie. He had never let it be an issue. He had never even told the rest of Arashi - he had no idea if they had figured it out on their own, but they had never said anything.
So - aside from it being a joke, a stupid accident - Jun was probably never again in his life going to experience this. It probably wouldn't have occurred to him to think about this if it had been a stranger, but - well.
If he was honest with himself, he has probably had a dumb crush on every single one of his bandmates at one point or another. It had with started Sho when he was young and too naïve to really hide his feelings, because the chance of having them returned seemed so possible - but it hadn't stopped with that. Jun just got better at hiding.
"Stop being stupid," he said out loud to himself, forgetting for a moment that he wasn't alone in the hotel room. He got out of the tub and pulled the plug, standing dripping onto a towel while he watched the water swirl down the drain.
Nino was already sleeping when Jun came out of the bathroom. He was sprawled out under the covers, manga on the floor near the bed.
Jun was too tired to feel awkward anymore - much. He turned off the lights, the moonlight from the still-open blinds lighting up the room in faint silver stripes. The bed was big enough that he slid in without even making a dip in the mattress near Nino. He lay on his side for awhile, watching to see if Nino was really sleeping, or just faking. He wasn't sure he could tell, but the rise and fall of Nino's chest looked natural, and Jun found himself unconsciously falling into the same pattern as he lay still and his breathing slowed. There was something vulnerable about the soft pout of Nino's mouth in sleep, such a contrast to the sharpness of his staring -
Oh.
Jun felt his ears turn red, and was grateful that it was too dark to see properly. Nino's mouth was curved in a smirk, but his eyes were asking a different question altogether.
"Creeper," Nino's voice was scratchy with sleep. "I knew you would wait until I was sleeping to start perving on my innocent little body."
Jun reached over to whack him. "Just trying to check if you're still breathing."
Nino caught his wrist. "There's easier ways to do that."
Jun felt his heart stutter and speed up. Nino was using Jun's hand to lever himself closer to Jun, until their faces were barely inches apart. It was too close, and Jun found himself trying to shrink back to the edge of the bed.
"Like this," Nino said gravely, and huffed heavily right in Jun's face.
"Eurgh!" Jun nearly fell right off the bed. The smell wasn't that bad, but it was not pleasant. "Go brush your teeth, toilet mouth."
Nino laughed, rolling himself over Jun's body and stumbling towards the bathroom. "Wait for me, dearest."
Jun grabbed two pillows and barricaded himself in, willing his heart to slow down again.
It was going to be a long night.
+
"The staff is checking with the Guinness Book of World Records," Aiba said the next morning over breakfast. "They're pretty sure that we can get the record for boybands with legally married members now."
"Aiba," Sho said warningly. "Stop it. You're bothering them."
"I only -" Aiba flailed in the absence of approval for his idiocy, and Jun smiled gratefully at Sho.
"I mean," Sho said peaceably, munching into his fourth piece of toast. "It is their honeymoon."
When their manager came to check them, Sho was still trying to extract grapefruit pulp from his nose, and Ohno had snorted milk onto the tablecloth. Nino was whistling contentedly under his breath as he tapped at his poached egg.
Part of the incongruity of being half a world away from home was that time itself felt somehow disjointed. The entire marriage fiasco and ensuing drama had taken place over the course of an entire day and evening, but most of Japan was only barely waking up by the end of the say in Canada - and while they slept in Canada, the events of the day had clearly caught up some attention back home.
"People think it's hilarious, mostly," Sho said. "It'll blow over quickly, so there's no need to worry."
"That's reassuring," Nino grouched, swirling the yolk of his egg into patterns on his plate.
"Stop playing with your food," Jun said automatically. "It's gross."
"You're not my mother," Nino said.
"He's your husband," Aiba said, with no small amount of glee.
Nino put down his spoon. "I miss Japanese food," he said plaintively.
"I know a good restaurant I went to during the Olympics in Vancouver," Sho said coaxingly.
"I'll take you there when we arrive."
Nino nodded, but Jun could still see a faint pinch in his forehead, the frown not quite leaving his face. Nino rarely bothered to complain - he would whine about stupid things, but he was pretty stoic when he was actually unhappy. Still, it had only been four days since they left Tokyo; Jun didn't really see how he can be homesick already.
Their manager dropped into the chair next to Jun, his tie crooked, clutching a piece of toast. "Well, it's all settled," he said, taking a giant bite of the toast. "You're going to have a bit of an extended trip."
"Extended?" Jun said, with Nino echoing him in a slightly more murderous tone.
"Can't be helped," their manager said peaceably, with the air of a man who had given into the ring of sharks and decided to die peacefully. "It's upended schedules and all to no end, but unless you want to return as Japan's most famous newlyweds, this is how it's going to be. After the Vancouver concert and the VS Arashi taping, the other three will return to Japan directly, as planned. Nino and Matsujun will go to Ottawa for the annulment hearing. We've managed to cancel or delay any engagements for you two for that time. After the hearing has been resolved, you will return to Tokyo on a direct flight from Toronto."
"What if we're delayed longer than that?" Jun asked.
Their manager smiled. "I don't think there's any risk of that, unless one of you decides to drop the suit."
There was a silence that was infinitely more awkward than it was supposed to be.
"That was a joke, guys," their manager heaved himself back upwards. "And it had better stay a joke, or I will have your balls."
"They're already married," Aiba pointed out. "That's adultery."
+
"Jun-kun," Ohno said, as they are all drifting away from the breakfast table, putting his hand on Jun's arm. "Can we talk?"
The request was so unlike Ohno that Jun was momentarily stunned. Ohno's eyes were serious, though, so Jun slowed his pace so they fall behind the others. "Of course - here, or -"
"We can take the stairs," Ohno suggested.
"All right." He had no clue what Ohno wanted to talk about, but he had a feeling it had something to do with his newlywed status. Beyond that - no clue.
They walk in silence up the first two flights, and Ohno's expression is entirely unperturbed. Finally, Jun decides to break the silence.
"Is this about me being married to Nino?"
"Hmm," Ohno said, and frowns, then adds, "Yes, but not - well, that, too." He scratched his head. "I'm not really good at saying these things."
Jun continued to wait patiently, and after another flight, Ohno said, "The room wasn't Aiba's idea."
This seemed like a random place to start from, but Jun waited patiently. Ohno's words usually came at the speed of a two-fingered typist, and it's no point interrupting at the start.
"The staff had planned it as part of the segment," Ohno continued. "As a joke. But after the whole thing went wrong, well - anyways, your old rooms had been cancelled, and the whole hotel was booked. Aiba was worried that you would get angry at the staff or something -"
"I wouldn't get angry," Jun muttered.
"I know," Ohno said. "Still, he thought if he passed it off as a joke on his part, it would go over better."
"He's such an idiot," Jun said gruffly, but his heart isn't in it.
"About Nino," Ohno frowned, "Nino is - he might act like it's all a joke, but that doesn't mean he doesn't take things seriously."
"Seriously?" Jun was lost. "What do you mean, seriously?"
Ohno shrugged. "It'll be over soon enough," he says evasively. "Things will be fine."
"Right." Jun felt like they were having two entirely separate conversations. They get out on the tenth floor and head separately towards their own rooms. If possible, he's more confused than before.
Part 2
cross-posted to kotobayori