Introducing: What livejournals were designed for!
I was in a really good mood when Di called about Rent. But now, I'm just annoyed. With everything. So here's my rant. If you don't want to read it, don't.
I'm sorry I think. I'm sorry that I care about all of you so much. I really wish I didn't sometimes because everyone lets me down. I guess I'm too much of an idealist and I expect too much. Sometimes I wish I were like some of them. So I wouldn't feel things as hard and I wouldn't miss things so much.
I tell myself that at least I'll be satisfied at the end of the day. But I'm not. I'm never good enough. And I'll never be. I just realized that nobody cares about how hard I try. Nobody cares about my pride, my dignity or my integrity. I forget that integrity doesn't mean anything anymore. It's overshadowed by all your supermodels and movie stars. And I don't even want to get into how superficial society has gotten. It's all about the person with the most to show and very little substance. It's always about the jock with an IQ of a walnut or the cheerleader with fake hair and a push up bra. Don't deny it. You and I both know it's true．
I really wish I wasn't here. Not now. I wish it was 2 weeks ago. I wish I was running around in my tutu and stage makeup. I felt like people really cared about me. Ho-makeup and all. I just don't want to deal with any of this. I don't want to have to put on makeup in the morning and some little skirt because I know you're all judging me on it. I want to be more than that. I want you to see more than that. But I'm afraid you never will. I'm afraid you won't love or even like me otherwise. So i do it anyways. I wear clothes that make you happy. Then I remember that I'll never be good enough.
You all know what it's like to feel like this. So why do we do it? So we can prove to everyone that yes, we really are this superficial and this ignorant? That we don't care about feelings anymore? Just clothes and makeup?
I guess it's one of those days that I wish I didn't have a brain. Because I think maybe you'll all like me better without one. I wish I didn't have a personality. Because it pisses people of. And I never really wanted anything than to be accepted. As stupid as that sounds. Because sometimes, I still feel like I'm not part of anything. I used to play football and watch pokemon. And it was okay because my friends loved me anyways. Here, I feel like if I don't do what everybody else does, I'll be alone. Let's save my fear of being alone for another day because this rant has gone on for much too long．
It feels like nobody recongnized substance anyone. Nobody sees passion or drive. Nobody realizes how, above all else, that's what makes a person. Some of you, I worry about. I worry about what you'll do when you grow up. I wonder about why you don't feel things as hard as the rest of us. I wonder about if you all think about this as much as I do. Some of you, I wonder if you think about any of this at all.
And this isn't for all of you. Some of you are the most amazing people I've ever met. I love you so much and remember, clothes and makeup don't make the person. Your sense of humor, your intelligence and your passions do. I'm sorry that was so long. But I guess that's what livejournals are for, right? Rants?
Tomorrow, I'll be studying Latin with the rat pack. Hopefully some girly bonding time and Rent will make me feel better. Now do you all see what happens to me when I don't dance? ahhh...I really need an outlet．