What I want in a Boy
- lets his hand linger on my arm when he hugs me
- runs his fingers through my hair.
- kisses me on the top of the head (and on the nose)
- catches me staring at him (and gets caught staring)
- winks at me
- calls me baby (sugar, sweetie, honey)
- lets me play with his hair
- gets down to eye level when he talks to kids
- is protective (but not overprotective)
- smiles at me like we have an inside joke
- laughs at my jokes (even the dumb ones)
- tells me i'm beautiful
- doesn't hit on (but is nice to) my friends
- holds my hand
- kisses me for no reason
- calls me because he misses me
- thinks it's cute when i giggle for no reason
- smells good
- Impresses my Dad
- wears cute sweatshirts
- lets me steal his sweatshirts
- and basketball shorts
- makes me a cd of songs that remind him of me
- thinks he's lucky
- likes (or doesn't mind) tattoos and peircings
- takes my advice (especially about clothes)
- wants kids
- befriends my brother-in-laws
Will I ever find this? will I ever find ANY of this?
Will anyone ever want me? really?
I fear, constantly that I'll never find someone to love me. someone who would want to marry me. someone who would think I was good enough. Maybe I don't think I think i'm good enough. Maybe. today I was daydreaming while driving home ( I should NOT be allowed to have a licence) and I actually found myself being angry at a current crushes FUTURE non-existent yet girlfriend. like, literally, this person has no girlfriend prospects that i know of, but I got mad at a person who isn't even there yet. because she was better than me. or at least he thought she was. is that like totally twisted or what? I actually haven't even been technically "rejected" by this person. but I'm so sure that it will happen, and so sure that he'll find somebody else that he actually does like, that it's making me angry. I was looking at pictures of myself today and I wanted to puke, and cry at the same time. You don't realize how much you've let yourself go, or your actual size sometimes. I used to get away with just calling myself chubby. but, to be honest, I'm fat. I'm a fat person. and I don't want to be. I don't want this to be the person that other people see when they look at me. I don't want someone to have to make an excuse to like me. I don't want other people to look at whomever i'm with and say "what does he see in her?" I want people, seriously, COMPLETE strangers to look at us, and go "oh what a cute couple!"
You do it too.
admit it! you walk around wal-mart or wherever and when you see people you make a judgement about them. it's never solid of course, but it's there. you've said "are they a couple? or are they just friends? are they brother and sister?" you've wondered all the same things I have.
Sometimes it really does seem like my life is a joke.
or a test.
or some sort of entertainment for someone else.
I still feel guilt, regret, anger, remorse, jealousy, grief, heartache.
I still have to live my life day to day, I still have to put my pants on one leg at a time.
Nothing is easy. I'm not expecting my life to be a breeze from this point on because of what i've already been through.
I'm not stupid.
I've said it a thousand times before, and i'll say it a thousand times more....
I just want to be cut a break.
Martha would say that I have to create my own destiny. that nothing and nobody can create in for me.
I have to create my own opportunities in life.
and I absolutely believe and understand that.
and I'll probably always want to crawl back up inside my insecurities and my faults and find something else to blame for my own shortcomings, or for anything I want and don't have.
god. I really am becoming my mother.
I shouldn't say that some outer power is to blame for my life. even if I did believe in the only real religion i've been taught, that still teaches the idea of free will. My life is of my own choosing. I create my own path and my own happiness, or I create my own sadness.
I am the only one with the power to change my life, and to get the things that I want.
they won't just come to me if I'm good enough or if even if I deserve them.
I have to ask for them, and take them, and fight for them.
Nobody else is going to do it for me.
I have a support system already, I've always known that. I know I have people I can depend on to be there for me. but I don't need them to tell me what to do or who to be or how to act or how to fix my life and my problems. it's not their job to do that. it's my job.
I need to live my life for me, and not for anyone else. I need to want to live my life to the fullest, and be exactly who I want to be, in mind, body and soul. never let anyone tell me I don't deserve something. never let anyone make me feel unworthy or like i'm not good enough. what other people think of me is none of my business, and their opinion of me is their own to be burdened with.
There are things I need to improve upon in myself, and things I need to change. and I thank god that I have the time and the health and the youth to do it. I have time to waste, if i so choose, and that is a blessing beyond all blessings. I have time to figure out everything there is to know about me, and who I want to be. and who I already am. I don't need everything now. I will still make mistakes, and have setbacks. I'll still feel insecure, and vulnerable at points and that's okay. it's all okay. even just improving yourself day to day, maybe... reading a book you've never read, or even just learning a new word... these are things that can enrich the rest of your life. Think of who you want to be in 10 years and don't give up until you've reached that goal. hell, think of where you want to be even only a year from now. make it happen. don't let your dreams sit in your head like stones, that's what makes us bitter and spiteful. if you fail... at least you tried. at least you know. and that is a much better outcome than always wondering. reaching for the stars is the only way to get to them. nobody ever got what they wanted by sitting around and waiting for it to find them.
it may seem like there are things that are impossible, and out of reach.
it may seem like to much work.
it may even seem like you could never ever ever achieve them.
but you can.
seriously, I believe that there is nothing I want to do at this point in my life that I couldn't do someday, if I worked hard enough.
I just need to make sure that I have this attitude. that I don't fall back into my own negativity and pessimism.
I need to change that, in myself, to have a better attitude, and to start molding my life to be what it has the potential to be.
It doesn't even matter what I want, as long as i'm passionate about it...
even if I just want to live in a house in the suburbs, with a golden retriever and a volvo.
if... I want to live in soho at some point and try to make it as a starving artist.
if I want to have a cabin on a lake, with a boat to go tubing with.
If I want to shake hands with Harrison Ford.
It doesn't matter, as long as it's something I really want. as long as It's going to make my life exactly the way I want it to be.
starting today.