I am Freedom
Fandom: Star Trek XI
Pairing: Sort of Uhura/Gaila, mentions of Kirk/Spock, Uhura/Chapel
Series: Belief in Angels
Summary: In which Uhura means freedom, which basically informs her entire life, and in which she hits hard, because someone has to be sanity on the Enterprise and it might as well be her.
1
She was born at night, and her mother used to tell her that she stared out the window that first night, the stars reflecting in her eyes, tiny hands reaching out as if she could touch them.
Her name is Nyota, which means "star" in Swahili.
It takes twenty years for her mother to tell her how much she regrets that, how she should have seen it coming.
Names have power. Nyota's mother taught her that. It takes twenty years for Nyota to throw it back in her face.
But for now, she is a thin, tree of a girl who is in love with words and the ocean. She loves the way Kilindini Harbor stretches out before her, wide and open and mysterious. The ocean is what space will become for her. It is an escape from her family, from their expectations of who she will be.
Uhura means "freedom" in Swahili. Nyota thinks it may be the most beautiful word in the world, and soon every word is freedom. Nyota falls in love with words the way her sisters and cousins fall for boys. Because words are her way out, her way to what she wants.
She begins to see herself as Uhura, more than she was ever Nyota.
2
Uhura loves to run, along the shore where the sand is wet and the waves lick at her feet. It makes her feel as if she is going somewhere, even though it is only along a dark strip of beach, too near her home. It is still dark here, before the tourists come and choke the water, which is quiet now, reflecting stars.
When she sits down to rest, watching the stars melt into pink rays of light, Uhura cries. This is not the first time she has ever done so, of course, but it is the first time she does it without reason. She doesn't like it much. After that, it takes a whole hell of a lot to make Nyota Uhura cry.
The boys at school learn this fact quickly, along with another, equally important one: she hits just as hard as they do.
3
Uhura remembers the day she sends in her application to Starfleet. Her mother is furious. Africa is her birthplace, she says. The land is her soul, part of her. Why could she not get married like her cousins? Why could she not just settle down? Why does she need to go (she gestures wildly with her hands) up there?
Uhura reminds her mother that it was she who named her. "Star." Space is where she belongs. Starfleet has become like her name, taken on its meaning. It is her freedom, and she wants it, wants it like the ground wants water, like the sand, greedy, soaks up waves.
Her sister, five years younger, without the need to escape that has gripped Nyota all her life, teases her about it later. Calls her a lesbian. Says that is why she wants to leave so badly, so their mother won't know. Uhura does not respond. She begins packing that night.
4
It isn't that she's never been in a shuttle before. They all assume, because she's wearing the traditional dress her mother forced her into (and there's that twinge of guilt, slight, but there), that she's some kind of backwater native. She isn't. She's a proud Bantu woman, from one of the largest cities in the United States of Africa. She is an intelligent woman with an education who could probably talk circles around the lot of them in more languages than they've ever heard.
Uhura doesn't say any of this, but it makes her feel better to think it. And to know that if she had to? She would tell them to their faces. But no one ever says anything. They've spent their lives in sensitivity courses and political correctness seminars. They don't say anything, but Uhura knows they think it. She knows the words that are written on their faces, even if they never speak.
She sits next to this quiet Japanese kid with tousled hair and a black bundle held tightly in his lap, clenching it, white-knuckled.
"Hikaru Sulu," he says, holding out his hand. It looks as if it hurts him to do it; he's had a death grip on whatever that black thing is, and it doesn't look like he wants to give it up. But he does, which is kind of sweet.
Uhura doesn't want to tell him her full name. She wants to tell him who she is. She wants him to understand what it would mean if she simply said "Uhura." But she's always been too polite for that. "Nyota Upenda Uhura," she tells him, shaking his hand.
He goes back to holding… whatever it is. And it would probably be impolite to ask, and Sulu's frighteningly intense. But maybe it will help him relax, and Uhura can't help asking if she thinks it might make him feel a little better. Because it isn't as if she's exactly comfortable here, either.
So, "What's that?" He doesn't answer at first, so she adds, "I'm sorry if that's too personal."
Sulu gives her a little smile, but he doesn't ever let up on his death grip. "It's a katana," he says, and just kind of expects her to know what that means. She does, but it's more the assumption. It doesn't actually bother her. It's nice that someone expects her to know for once, instead of being surprised.
5
They stop over in Riverside, Iowa on the way to San Francisco. Sulu invites her out for drinks with a couple of guys he knows going in for security and a pretty blonde with a fauxhawk who's going to be a nurse.
The bar is small and loud and full almost to the doors. Uhura likes the press of bodies and the way Sulu bets on who can out-drink whom. Uhura doesn't win, but she comes damned close. The only one who beats her is this burly guy named Giotto, and that's only because he's twice her size.
It reminds her of being ten years old and fighting with the boys from school. It's a little bit like home, and that makes her feel almost as good as the wind does in her hair while Aella, the nurse with the blonde fauxhawk and gorgeous eyes, drives her back.
6
Her roommate is an Orion girl with flaming red hair that she's pulled back behind her head. That's all Uhura can see of her at first, as she's got her head practically inside their replicator. Uhura coughs politely, trying to get the girl's attention. She fails. So, she taps her on the shoulder, and the girl turns around with a smudge of oil on her forehead and the biggest smile Uhura's ever seen.
"I'm Gaila," the girl says brightly. She makes a move like she's going to hug Uhura, then stops, jerking her arms back into place at her sides. "Um, sorry. I just got on the pheromone suppressants, and I'm supposed to keep the touching to a minimum. Which is kind of hard, I'm not gonna lie. They just had to give me a really hot roommate, didn't they?" she says, almost to herself, then seems to remember that Uhura's still in the room. "Oh, sorry. No offense. I mean, I'm sure we'll be friends, it's just.-"
"It's okay," Uhura assures her, wiping the streak of oil off her forehead. Gaila grins.
She likes Gaila, she decides. Even if she does talk too much, and half the stuff she says could be taken in incredibly wrong ways by some of the more sensitive humans. Also, she finds out Gaila reprogrammed the replicators to serve really good margaritas on their first day. Gaila seems so free, and Uhura's happy for her.
She comes back to the dorm really late one night, after spending the whole night studying with Sulu, Aella Beauvoir, and a cadet from tactical named Charlene Masters. Gaila closes the file she's been looking at on her datapad, but not before Uhura's seen Titian's Venus of Urbino. It's the first time Uhura's caught a glimpse of something beyond Gaila's normally-bubbly personality since their first day. She knows that Gaila's life had been hell, and she's still not as open as she seems to be, so when she hears about an exhibit at a nearby gallery of ancient art, she invites Gaila. Uhura knows it's just a front when her roommate complains, but it still hurts a little to know how scared Gaila is, even after she's been on Earth so long.
7
Uhura's focus is xenolinguistics. The study of alien languages, morphology, phonology, syntax. She's damned proud of what she does, and she's good at it. She's the best.
So she really hates the way this drunk asshole repeats it back at her, like it doesn't matter. He's already written her off as some hypocritical cheap fuck who throws out words like "xenolinguistics" to make people think she's less of a slut. It's almost like the way those cadets looked at her on the shuttle from Mombasa, and it makes Uhura want to punch him. She could, and it would hurt, and it would all be worth it from the surprise on his smug face that yeah, she may be in a miniskirt, but she hits hard.
She's back in Riverside again, another stopover on her way back to the Academy from spending summer at home. She's already decided that she's not going back for winter holidays. Even the ocean wasn't how she remembered it.
Giotto convinces her to go out for drinks, that same bar they'd gone to three years ago. And she's missing Gaila and Aella and even Sulu and especially the Academy, so she goes. Just for old times' sake.
And then there's this guy, Jim Kirk, who's hitting on her and being so fucking obnoxious, and she wants to punch him out. Because she can see that he's smart. He really does know what xenolinguistics is, and he could probably be at the Academy himself if he wanted to. But for some reason he's here, and here he's an annoying, drunk dickhead, and Uhura's clenching her fists to keep from breaking his nose.
"You think you're so smart," she grits out, because he so is, but he won't see it beyond the asshole personality he's hiding behind. It pisses her off.
"Oh, baby," he says, "I'm the smartest."
And then Giotto shows up. He's seen the way her body's tensed up, like she's ready for a fight, and even though they aren't exactly what you'd call best friends, she almost beat him in a drinking contest once, and you don't forget that kind of respect. So he comes over, pretending she actually needs the help (which she absolutely doesn't, and he's seen her in enough bar fights with jerkoffs like this to know it).
And then there's the fight, and Uhura doesn't really feel like jumping in. She just wants to go home.
The guy shows up on the shuttle the next morning. And Uhura really wants to hate him. But she sees something in his face that makes her think maybe he's finally gotten it, what she saw in him. She hopes so.
The guy-Kirk, she remembers-turns to talk to an older man sitting next to him, and Uhura thinks she'll call up Gaila when they get into orbit.
8
Uhura doesn't see Jim Kirk again till winter break. They can't exactly avoid each other by that point, because most of the cadets go home for breaks, so they end up spending a lot of time together, which is kind of weird. She didn't ever think she'd be sitting down and actually having drinks with him, but that's what they end up doing the first weekend into the holiday.
He's loud and abrasive and has crazy anger management issues, but he's also kind of a nice guy, when he's not drunk or getting provoked (which, actually, is how most of the fights he gets into start, surprisingly enough).
One Saturday night, when everyone's back from winter break and the two of them are out drinking, Jim's getting hit on by some guy in a bar near the Academy. Uhura's been talking about how her new linguistics professor is a genius (because he is, and she's doing better in his class than she ever has, even with, as Jim puts it, her "talented tongue"). Jim's trying to listen, or at least half-listen, because it's Jim, and there's this guy sitting on his other side who's trying to get his attention. The inevitable fight breaks out (Uhura still doesn't remember the specifics of how) and Uhura finds herself punching the guy's lights out. This is when she knows she's stuck with Jim. He even tells her ("That's it, Nyota, we're friends for life." And she knows he's right because she doesn't even get that mad that he uses her first name).
So Uhura sets him up with Gaila, because he's so her type and he's actually nice. And things are great. Sulu invites Uhura, Gaila, Jim, Jim's friend from the shuttle, Dr. McCoy, and this Russian kid named Chekov who's friends with Sulu out for drinks, and Uhura's pretty sure this is what family is supposed to feel like.
9
Everybody thinks she has a crush on Commander Spock, except for maybe Gaila. It wouldn't even piss her off that much, but these people are supposed to be her friends. They should know her better by now.
It isn't that she doesn't like men. She does. She finds them attractive, and she's slept with more than one. But she fell in love with words a long time ago, and they aren't letting her go so easily. Not when she's seen the blueprints for the Enterprise. That ship is beautiful, and she pines over it the way she's never done for a human being (or any other kind of being, for that matter). She's not letting anything or anyone get in the way of her becoming Chief Communications Officer of that ship. There's no way in hell.
So she graduates, and the Farragut wants her. Wants her bad.
Pike, though? Pike wants her more. And he's getting the Enterprise, and he's shown her the specs for Communications on that ship, and damn. Uhura's mouth doesn't actually water, but it's a near thing. So she agrees to spend a year in graduate until the Enterprise ships out. It's worth it.
10
If the actual test was bad, the hearing is hell. Uhura can see the way Jim's shoulders tense up when they call his name, the way Bones gives him this look like oh shit. The worst part of it is knowing whose name Barnett is going to call, waiting for it, and then just holding her breath for the inevitable explosion.
She's lacing her fingers with Gaila's without even thinking about it, just needing something to hold on to. Worry clenches in her stomach, and she wills herself to stay sitting. This isn't something she can protect Jim from, and she knows she shouldn't even if she could. He needs to face it on his own; this has nothing to do with her.
The part of Uhura's soul that is still woven together with Africa entreats her to get up, to protect the only family she has left. Her sense of loyalty is tugging at her heart, which cracks every time she sees the line of Jim's back and shoulders stiffen.
"Hey, Ny?" Gaila sounds worried. She's squeezing Uhura's hand, stroking her fingers softly.
Uhura wants to tell her that she's fine, that she'll be all right after one of Gaila's fantastic replicated margaritas. She wants to tell Gaila that it's Jim, that she's worrying over nothing because Jim doesn't let things hurt him. She wants to tell Gaila that she's an amazing friend, to hold her close without thinking about those silly pheromones.
She can't.
And then it's chaos, and she runs off to find Jim, only noticing belatedly when Gaila's fingers are no longer entwined in her own. She finds him, walking toward the docking bay next to McCoy, in a daze. She yanks on his arm, finally able to let loose the tension that had gripped her during his hearing.
"James Tiberius Kirk, what the hell were you thinking? What exactly did you expect was going to happen?"
He doesn't answer, which is probably a good thing for his continued health. Hey, just because Uhura's worried, just because Jim is the closest thing to a younger brother she's ever had, doesn't mean she won't kick his ass.
She gets in line for assignments, right behind Gaila, so she can at least say "good luck" before they ship out.
And then, it's all real. The Enterprise. Pike came through (not that she ever doubted him, exactly-she'll deny it, anyway-she just can't believe it's actually happening). She meets Spock at the shuttle. He's been her advisor throughout the past year, and they've become, if not friends, friendly.
"Congratulations, Lieutenant Uhura," he says with a small nod. Uhura smiles brightly. That's about the nearest thing to a compliment you get when it comes to Spock.
She sees Jim get on, half-carried by McCoy. She doesn't know how exactly he managed to get on the Enterprise-whatever it is is probably against regs-but she can't help a small smile.
Later, when he's not about to vomit, he'll come sit next to her. Then he asks her about Vulcans, and Uhura can't suppress a smile when she tells him about Vulcan kissing because it's so cute that Jimmy's got a crush.
She can't wait to tell Gaila about this, later. Preferably over margaritas.
11
Uhura never wore black much. Her mother's people wore the bright-colored kanga. She once resented the traditional dresses her mother insisted she wear, but now she misses the rainbow that was her family. She misses the bright red of her own kanga, sitting in the closet of her dorm room. She remembers watching her mother make it, stitching in the embroidery. Mkipendana mambo huwa sawa. Everything is all right if you love each other.
If she could force herself beyond the door to their dorm room, Uhura would run her hands over that cloth, would feel the love in it. It would have been so easy to buy, her kanga, but her mother insisted on weaving it by hand, the old way, meticulously stitching the words into the hem. Now, Uhura is thankful. If only she could force herself to press the keys that would let her in to the room. Their room.
She doesn't have anything black to wear to the funeral. There is a dress uniform in the closet, hung up next to the kanga. It isn't perfect, but it would be sufficient.
She can't do it. She keeps flashing back to all those nights when they would come back, drunk, Uhura's arms wrapped around Gaila's neck to keep herself upright until they could collapse in one bed or another and pass out.
Gaila.
She can't do it.
Christine Chapel finds her, forehead pressed to the cold metal door, hand pressed weakly to the keypad. Christine doesn't know her well; they served together, almost died together, and Uhura knows next to nothing about her. But that doesn't matter, because almost died. But didn't. And Christine's a nurse, and her voice is quiet but powerful, and her hands are soft as she leads Uhura away.
And none of it seemed real. It was all chaos and suicide missions and Jim being fucking insane and so many people died, but it didn't seem real, not then. But she hugged Spock in the 'lift, even thought something told her it was a bad idea, because Jim is an idiot and kind of an asshole sometimes, and she was the only one who would do it. Because let's face it, Spock needed a hug, and Uhura was the only one who wasn't scared of him, so she did it. She thinks he appreciated it, but of course there's no way to be sure.
And still, Vulcan is gone and most of the upperclassmen at the Academy-people Uhura knew, worked with-are dead, and it didn't seem real until Uhura got back and found an invitation to Gaila's funeral. She learned long ago that she hates crying for no reason, and she eventually began to hate crying at all, but she can't help it. She sits in Christine Chapel's room (she was in single living, thank god) and sobs into a stranger's shoulder.
Christine gives her a black dress and drives her to the funeral. Uhura thinks she tells her she doesn't have to stay, she never knew Gaila. But Christine shakes her head and asks her if she'll cry. It isn't what Uhura expects her to say, so she nods, slowly.
"People shouldn't have to cry alone," Christine says, taking Uhura's hand as if it's the most natural thing in the world. "I'll stay, if you don't mind." Uhura doesn't answer, and Christine stays.
The funeral is in the official Starfleet cemetery, and there's a black-haired Orion priestess chanting over a huge wreath of tiger lilies. There is a woman standing next to the priestess, older, with long, curly red hair and tear-stained eyes.
Uhura remembers Gaila talking about her mother, but she never met her. She's beautiful. Strong, sad, and beautiful. This is the woman who risked everything to save her daughter from a life of slavery, who almost died getting Gaila to earth. Uhura is in awe of her, and it breaks her heart.
They meet after the ceremony. Uhura is nervous, clutches Christine's hand even harder, and Christine simply propels her toward the Orion woman.
"My name is Nyota Upenda Uhura," she says quietly. "Gaila was… We were ro-She was my friend."
It is simple, but it is enough.
Later, when everyone has gone, Uhura will sit over the place where Gaila's body should be buried and sing a Tero buru for her. Gaila always loved it when she sang, especially in Swahili, the warm, old songs she learned from her mother. This song will be respect and love for the dead. Christine keeps the beat on her knees and holds her when her sobs choke off the words.
That night is the first and only time Jim ever hugs her.
12
Uhura falls asleep in Christine's room after the funeral, and that's where Jim finds her the next day. He takes her out for drinks, and she gets smashed, and she'll have a massive hangover the next day, but she promises herself she won't kill Jim because this is his way of helping. He's being sweet, really, the only way he knows how.
Uhura can't bear going home, and Christine doesn't have any family aside from an older brother who's a lawyer and doesn't talk to her much anymore. So Uhura stays at Christine's place, because she doesn't have anywhere to go. She says it will only be for a few days, until she can get her things and find an apartment until they're due to ship out again.
She TA's for one of Spock's classes, since he's on Vulcan II helping out, and she tries to get back to some semblance of normal. And she may never be able to drink another margarita as long as she lives, but she starts to be okay.
It's been a month, and she never moves out of Chris's place. Chris says there's no point, since they'll be shipping out in a month.
They start going drinking together. Chris doesn't seem like the kind of girl who parties hard, and Uhura wonders vaguely at first if she'll fit in with their group. Jim, McCoy, and Chekov could drink Giotto under the table, and Uhura comes close some nights, and Sulu parties pretty hard even though he's a total lightweight. She doesn't wonder for long. It takes awhile for Chris to take her hair down, but when she does? Damn.
So Uhura isn't exactly surprised when they end up kissing two days before shipping out.
She is surprised when Spock doesn't show up. Worried as she was about Jim during the Kobayashi Maru hearing (which seems like years ago), Uhura couldn't possibly have mistaken the feelings she saw. And she did. She knows people. She's not just a master of linguistics; Uhura's all about communication. Which means she knows subtext, body language, how to read between the lines. Besides, it's not like they're exactly subtle.
So, naturally, she expects him to be there. Jim doesn't. He spends the last two days before shipping out pacing around his room, running his hands through his hair and insisting that Spock isn't coming, that Spock hates him. Which is ridiculous and gives Uhura a headache. Because 1) she has her own problems, namely that Chris is going to be back in a couple hours and they really need to talk about this kissing thing and 2) Spock doesn't hate him, but Jim is a dramatic, stubborn asshole.
Spock shows up, of course. Spock shows up, and they pull out of the dry dock, and it's amazing.
Jim will tell her later that she's a genius. Of course. She knew it would work. She tells Jim never to question her communications powers, because they're beginning to seem pretty much infallible. Uhura's married to words. They don't fail her.
Sometimes, when it's been a particularly grueling shift and Uhura's dead on her feet, she'll go back to her bunk and think Gaila's going to be there, reprogramming their replicator again to make some kind of crazy, amazing drink. She never is. And Uhura will go see Chris, because she may be off-duty but it still feels wrong to cry here.
13
"I'm going to kill them, Chris, I swear to god I will."
"Have some chocolate, honey," Chris says, typing a code into the replicator.
It's not exactly an uncommon scene, much as Uhura would like it to be. It's just that it's been months and they're still fighting constantly and Jim's got this idea that Uhura should be the one to deal with it because it's her fault they got together in the first place. The fact that McCoy is Jim's best friend and a guy doesn't seem to factor into it. And Uhura could argue, could tell him to fuck off and let her deal with her own issues, but she doesn't because apparently Jim is her soft spot and when did that happen, exactly?
So she deals with it, makes them talk things out, kiss and make up. And then she goes to bitch to Chris, because at least Jim and Spock are getting make-up sex out of it. And all Uhura gets is bad replicated chocolate and the hope that maybe next time they'll deal with their own shit themselves. Which they do. Eventually. Eventually, which is too damn long in Uhura's opinion, but she'll take it. At least they aren't trying to kill each other anymore.
And then, her mother dies. They haven't spoken in awhile, and she's pretty sure her mother didn't ever want to see her again and her sisters are just like her and won't want her there either. But it's her mother and Uhura understands her much more now than she ever did at home. And maybe her mother finally accepted Uhura's leaving.
She finds that it doesn't really matter.
Jim schedules shore leave for the whole crew, and he doesn't say it's so Uhura can go to the funeral, but she's pretty sure it might be. She hugs him anyway, and he just grins and says she'd better let him call her Nyota. She won't. But it's still sweet of him to do.
Chris helps her pack, and she gives Uhura her black dress, the same one she wore to Gaila's funeral. Uhura smiles, and Chris kisses her. It isn't passionate; she's not looking for it to go any further. It just is. And Uhura kisses her back, and they become a thing.
Uhura wears her kanga, the deep red one her mother made, over Chris's black dress, and she almost smiles when she looks down at it because they look so odd together but it's as if the two most important women in her life are getting to meet each other.
When she comes back, she finds Chris sitting on her bed holding Spock's Vulcan lute. Chris stands when she comes in, cradling the instrument gently.
"I thought… I mean, after Gaila… You sing beautifully." She pauses, as if that wasn't what she'd meant to say. Uhura smiles, putting down her duffel to take the lute. It reminds her of home, back when her mother was alive and her family would sit in the living room and play music together. The guitar is an important instrument to her people, and she remembers how impressed Spock had been when she learned to play his lute, too. She sits down, cross-legged on the floor. Chris sprawls gracelessly across from her, leaning against Uhura's bed.
She plays something without melody, letting the music melt out of her. She remembers her grandmother's hands pounding drums, her aunts' voices chanting, her sister's feet beating the ground in time with the music. Uhura sings, and it feels like bleeding, like letting out everything she'd held inside her. And when she is finished, Chris kisses her.
"I love you; you know that, right, Ny?"
Uhura kisses her forehead, fingers twisting through her hair. "Yeah."
It's inarticulate, and she's a little ashamed, but she's been in love with words all her life. Now she's finding something else to love and the words are leaving her, for now.
"Yeah, I do."
14
They get married in San Francisco, outside, in this park near the ocean. It's nothing like the ocean in Mombasa, but it's still there, and Uhura appreciates that. Chris is wearing white, because she's got a little traditional in her, even though her parents were about as liberal as you can get. But it's this amazing, low-cut sundress that reaches to her knees, and she's got her hair down, long and blonde and curly. And she's wearing white pants underneath her dress, which makes Uhura smile because of course, that's so Chris. And also, she's gorgeous. Really fucking gorgeous.
And Uhura's nervous as hell. Jim takes her out drinking the night before, her sort-of bachelorette party, after promising Spock he won't do anything stupid (which, he won't, because they both know that Spock will know if he does). It isn't all that helpful, but thank god Jim had the sense to marry Spock, who can actually pass for normal sometimes (even though they pretty much all know he's as crazy as Jim, he's just better at hiding it). So Spock calls this Vulcan woman he knows-T'Pring-and she's apparently from some kind of nobility so she's not as hopeless with dressing up as Uhura's always been.
She ends up wearing the kanga, and T'Pring does her hair up like a high-class Vulcan, which makes her look exotic and pretty and it's infinitely better than a ponytail, which is pretty much the only thing Uhura knows how to do with her hair.
So, if nothing else, at least she knows she looks good. Which is one less thing to worry about when she's standing across from Chris and Jim's looking more captain-like than she's ever seen and when did he grow up? And they're saying their vows and they're kissing and it's amazing, even though she's got butterflies in her stomach the entire time.
Then McCoy gets drunk-well, they all sort of get drunk. And Jim offers them the use of his motorcycle because neither of them has a flitter, and he tells them to have fun but show up for duty in a week, if they can make it out of the bedroom. Uhura punches his arm for that, and Spock gives him one of those looks that's supposed to be disapproving but is actually amused.
The fact is, it's sweet that Jim trusts Uhura with his bike, but they still don't leave the hotel room for five days and it's a near thing making it to the shuttle hanger because sharing a shower is actually not efficient or time-saving at all.
But all the same, it's nice to be back on the Enterprise (Uhura's beginning to accept the fact that none of them are getting off that ship. Ever). Especially with Uhura's nice new promotion to Lieutenant Commander and Chris's becoming a doctor and the fact that they're off for another five years, even though the captain is crazy and they're all pretty sure they're going to die sooner rather than later.
And then one night, Uhura wakes up to Chris coming in after her shift, and the first thing her wife says is, "Ny, honey, I want kids."
Uhura practically writes a dissertation on all the reasons they shouldn't, but three years later they have a baby girl. Uhura doesn't know all the specifics, the science of the whole thing; that's Chris's department. All she knows is that she's holding this perfect little baby with gorgeously tanned skin and dark hair and blue eyes.
Her name is Bahari, which means "ocean" in Swahili.
15
Bahari lives the first year of her life on the Enterprise and the second with Uhura's family in Kenya. And then the second five-year mission is over, and they're all on forced-sabbatical for a year, and they're trying to figure out how to do this family thing.
The answer, basically, is to do things the same way they do in the black: as a crew.
Jim, McCoy warns them, is the most indulgent surrogate-uncle the universe has ever seen, which he knows from experience with Joanna. He turns out to be right, but Chris doesn't mind and Uhura just laughs and punches him. Not that McCoy has any room to talk. Jo's grown up now, so Bahari gets the brunt of his affection too.
Spock teaches her Vulcan, and he plays his lute sometimes when Uhura sings her to sleep. Sulu watches old action holos with her and tells her stories and T'Pring and Aella do her hair all wild. And Chekov builds snowmen with her out of marshmallows because it never snows in San Francisco, not like in Russia.
And it's all ridiculously domestic, but none of them have any kids (except that Jim and Spock have the crew and the ship, but that doesn't really count) and it's sweet the way they all help raise her, even though none of them have a clue what they're doing.
16
It's not that things are easy for the next twenty years. It's just that they know each other way too well by now and Starfleet Command has pretty much stopped trying to say no to them. And they all retire at about the same time, because they stop being able to function with any other crew. Except maybe Chekov, but he bitches all the time about how he's incapable of dealing with a crew that isn't insane, but he's being melodramatic. Mostly.
Bahari graduates college and becomes a marine biologist, which makes Uhura laugh because her mother told her once that names have power, and she really should have seen it coming. What she also doesn't see coming is the day she comms to tell them she's getting married. Chris tells her she's just being oblivious.
Either way, the boy's name is Zach and he's really sweet, even though Uhura might scare the hell out of him.
And then one day they have grandkids, twins, even, two little boys, and Chris wonders aloud when it was they got so old. Uhura reaches across the table to grab her hand and answers that she has no idea.
And even now, even though she doesn't really have to worry about him, Uhura knows that Jim has no idea he's getting old, and that just means headaches for everyone because Jim Kirk never changes. But if this is her life, Uhura could probably be okay with that. Even if she still comes home some nights begging Chris for chocolate. Because sometimes? Sometimes Jim forgets that yes, she can still hit pretty damned hard.
Pairing: Sort of Uhura/Gaila, mentions of Kirk/Spock, Uhura/Chapel
Series: Belief in Angels
Summary: In which Uhura means freedom, which basically informs her entire life, and in which she hits hard, because someone has to be sanity on the Enterprise and it might as well be her.
1
She was born at night, and her mother used to tell her that she stared out the window that first night, the stars reflecting in her eyes, tiny hands reaching out as if she could touch them.
Her name is Nyota, which means "star" in Swahili.
It takes twenty years for her mother to tell her how much she regrets that, how she should have seen it coming.
Names have power. Nyota's mother taught her that. It takes twenty years for Nyota to throw it back in her face.
But for now, she is a thin, tree of a girl who is in love with words and the ocean. She loves the way Kilindini Harbor stretches out before her, wide and open and mysterious. The ocean is what space will become for her. It is an escape from her family, from their expectations of who she will be.
Uhura means "freedom" in Swahili. Nyota thinks it may be the most beautiful word in the world, and soon every word is freedom. Nyota falls in love with words the way her sisters and cousins fall for boys. Because words are her way out, her way to what she wants.
She begins to see herself as Uhura, more than she was ever Nyota.
2
Uhura loves to run, along the shore where the sand is wet and the waves lick at her feet. It makes her feel as if she is going somewhere, even though it is only along a dark strip of beach, too near her home. It is still dark here, before the tourists come and choke the water, which is quiet now, reflecting stars.
When she sits down to rest, watching the stars melt into pink rays of light, Uhura cries. This is not the first time she has ever done so, of course, but it is the first time she does it without reason. She doesn't like it much. After that, it takes a whole hell of a lot to make Nyota Uhura cry.
The boys at school learn this fact quickly, along with another, equally important one: she hits just as hard as they do.
3
Uhura remembers the day she sends in her application to Starfleet. Her mother is furious. Africa is her birthplace, she says. The land is her soul, part of her. Why could she not get married like her cousins? Why could she not just settle down? Why does she need to go (she gestures wildly with her hands) up there?
Uhura reminds her mother that it was she who named her. "Star." Space is where she belongs. Starfleet has become like her name, taken on its meaning. It is her freedom, and she wants it, wants it like the ground wants water, like the sand, greedy, soaks up waves.
Her sister, five years younger, without the need to escape that has gripped Nyota all her life, teases her about it later. Calls her a lesbian. Says that is why she wants to leave so badly, so their mother won't know. Uhura does not respond. She begins packing that night.
4
It isn't that she's never been in a shuttle before. They all assume, because she's wearing the traditional dress her mother forced her into (and there's that twinge of guilt, slight, but there), that she's some kind of backwater native. She isn't. She's a proud Bantu woman, from one of the largest cities in the United States of Africa. She is an intelligent woman with an education who could probably talk circles around the lot of them in more languages than they've ever heard.
Uhura doesn't say any of this, but it makes her feel better to think it. And to know that if she had to? She would tell them to their faces. But no one ever says anything. They've spent their lives in sensitivity courses and political correctness seminars. They don't say anything, but Uhura knows they think it. She knows the words that are written on their faces, even if they never speak.
She sits next to this quiet Japanese kid with tousled hair and a black bundle held tightly in his lap, clenching it, white-knuckled.
"Hikaru Sulu," he says, holding out his hand. It looks as if it hurts him to do it; he's had a death grip on whatever that black thing is, and it doesn't look like he wants to give it up. But he does, which is kind of sweet.
Uhura doesn't want to tell him her full name. She wants to tell him who she is. She wants him to understand what it would mean if she simply said "Uhura." But she's always been too polite for that. "Nyota Upenda Uhura," she tells him, shaking his hand.
He goes back to holding… whatever it is. And it would probably be impolite to ask, and Sulu's frighteningly intense. But maybe it will help him relax, and Uhura can't help asking if she thinks it might make him feel a little better. Because it isn't as if she's exactly comfortable here, either.
So, "What's that?" He doesn't answer at first, so she adds, "I'm sorry if that's too personal."
Sulu gives her a little smile, but he doesn't ever let up on his death grip. "It's a katana," he says, and just kind of expects her to know what that means. She does, but it's more the assumption. It doesn't actually bother her. It's nice that someone expects her to know for once, instead of being surprised.
5
They stop over in Riverside, Iowa on the way to San Francisco. Sulu invites her out for drinks with a couple of guys he knows going in for security and a pretty blonde with a fauxhawk who's going to be a nurse.
The bar is small and loud and full almost to the doors. Uhura likes the press of bodies and the way Sulu bets on who can out-drink whom. Uhura doesn't win, but she comes damned close. The only one who beats her is this burly guy named Giotto, and that's only because he's twice her size.
It reminds her of being ten years old and fighting with the boys from school. It's a little bit like home, and that makes her feel almost as good as the wind does in her hair while Aella, the nurse with the blonde fauxhawk and gorgeous eyes, drives her back.
6
Her roommate is an Orion girl with flaming red hair that she's pulled back behind her head. That's all Uhura can see of her at first, as she's got her head practically inside their replicator. Uhura coughs politely, trying to get the girl's attention. She fails. So, she taps her on the shoulder, and the girl turns around with a smudge of oil on her forehead and the biggest smile Uhura's ever seen.
"I'm Gaila," the girl says brightly. She makes a move like she's going to hug Uhura, then stops, jerking her arms back into place at her sides. "Um, sorry. I just got on the pheromone suppressants, and I'm supposed to keep the touching to a minimum. Which is kind of hard, I'm not gonna lie. They just had to give me a really hot roommate, didn't they?" she says, almost to herself, then seems to remember that Uhura's still in the room. "Oh, sorry. No offense. I mean, I'm sure we'll be friends, it's just.-"
"It's okay," Uhura assures her, wiping the streak of oil off her forehead. Gaila grins.
She likes Gaila, she decides. Even if she does talk too much, and half the stuff she says could be taken in incredibly wrong ways by some of the more sensitive humans. Also, she finds out Gaila reprogrammed the replicators to serve really good margaritas on their first day. Gaila seems so free, and Uhura's happy for her.
She comes back to the dorm really late one night, after spending the whole night studying with Sulu, Aella Beauvoir, and a cadet from tactical named Charlene Masters. Gaila closes the file she's been looking at on her datapad, but not before Uhura's seen Titian's Venus of Urbino. It's the first time Uhura's caught a glimpse of something beyond Gaila's normally-bubbly personality since their first day. She knows that Gaila's life had been hell, and she's still not as open as she seems to be, so when she hears about an exhibit at a nearby gallery of ancient art, she invites Gaila. Uhura knows it's just a front when her roommate complains, but it still hurts a little to know how scared Gaila is, even after she's been on Earth so long.
7
Uhura's focus is xenolinguistics. The study of alien languages, morphology, phonology, syntax. She's damned proud of what she does, and she's good at it. She's the best.
So she really hates the way this drunk asshole repeats it back at her, like it doesn't matter. He's already written her off as some hypocritical cheap fuck who throws out words like "xenolinguistics" to make people think she's less of a slut. It's almost like the way those cadets looked at her on the shuttle from Mombasa, and it makes Uhura want to punch him. She could, and it would hurt, and it would all be worth it from the surprise on his smug face that yeah, she may be in a miniskirt, but she hits hard.
She's back in Riverside again, another stopover on her way back to the Academy from spending summer at home. She's already decided that she's not going back for winter holidays. Even the ocean wasn't how she remembered it.
Giotto convinces her to go out for drinks, that same bar they'd gone to three years ago. And she's missing Gaila and Aella and even Sulu and especially the Academy, so she goes. Just for old times' sake.
And then there's this guy, Jim Kirk, who's hitting on her and being so fucking obnoxious, and she wants to punch him out. Because she can see that he's smart. He really does know what xenolinguistics is, and he could probably be at the Academy himself if he wanted to. But for some reason he's here, and here he's an annoying, drunk dickhead, and Uhura's clenching her fists to keep from breaking his nose.
"You think you're so smart," she grits out, because he so is, but he won't see it beyond the asshole personality he's hiding behind. It pisses her off.
"Oh, baby," he says, "I'm the smartest."
And then Giotto shows up. He's seen the way her body's tensed up, like she's ready for a fight, and even though they aren't exactly what you'd call best friends, she almost beat him in a drinking contest once, and you don't forget that kind of respect. So he comes over, pretending she actually needs the help (which she absolutely doesn't, and he's seen her in enough bar fights with jerkoffs like this to know it).
And then there's the fight, and Uhura doesn't really feel like jumping in. She just wants to go home.
The guy shows up on the shuttle the next morning. And Uhura really wants to hate him. But she sees something in his face that makes her think maybe he's finally gotten it, what she saw in him. She hopes so.
The guy-Kirk, she remembers-turns to talk to an older man sitting next to him, and Uhura thinks she'll call up Gaila when they get into orbit.
8
Uhura doesn't see Jim Kirk again till winter break. They can't exactly avoid each other by that point, because most of the cadets go home for breaks, so they end up spending a lot of time together, which is kind of weird. She didn't ever think she'd be sitting down and actually having drinks with him, but that's what they end up doing the first weekend into the holiday.
He's loud and abrasive and has crazy anger management issues, but he's also kind of a nice guy, when he's not drunk or getting provoked (which, actually, is how most of the fights he gets into start, surprisingly enough).
One Saturday night, when everyone's back from winter break and the two of them are out drinking, Jim's getting hit on by some guy in a bar near the Academy. Uhura's been talking about how her new linguistics professor is a genius (because he is, and she's doing better in his class than she ever has, even with, as Jim puts it, her "talented tongue"). Jim's trying to listen, or at least half-listen, because it's Jim, and there's this guy sitting on his other side who's trying to get his attention. The inevitable fight breaks out (Uhura still doesn't remember the specifics of how) and Uhura finds herself punching the guy's lights out. This is when she knows she's stuck with Jim. He even tells her ("That's it, Nyota, we're friends for life." And she knows he's right because she doesn't even get that mad that he uses her first name).
So Uhura sets him up with Gaila, because he's so her type and he's actually nice. And things are great. Sulu invites Uhura, Gaila, Jim, Jim's friend from the shuttle, Dr. McCoy, and this Russian kid named Chekov who's friends with Sulu out for drinks, and Uhura's pretty sure this is what family is supposed to feel like.
9
Everybody thinks she has a crush on Commander Spock, except for maybe Gaila. It wouldn't even piss her off that much, but these people are supposed to be her friends. They should know her better by now.
It isn't that she doesn't like men. She does. She finds them attractive, and she's slept with more than one. But she fell in love with words a long time ago, and they aren't letting her go so easily. Not when she's seen the blueprints for the Enterprise. That ship is beautiful, and she pines over it the way she's never done for a human being (or any other kind of being, for that matter). She's not letting anything or anyone get in the way of her becoming Chief Communications Officer of that ship. There's no way in hell.
So she graduates, and the Farragut wants her. Wants her bad.
Pike, though? Pike wants her more. And he's getting the Enterprise, and he's shown her the specs for Communications on that ship, and damn. Uhura's mouth doesn't actually water, but it's a near thing. So she agrees to spend a year in graduate until the Enterprise ships out. It's worth it.
10
If the actual test was bad, the hearing is hell. Uhura can see the way Jim's shoulders tense up when they call his name, the way Bones gives him this look like oh shit. The worst part of it is knowing whose name Barnett is going to call, waiting for it, and then just holding her breath for the inevitable explosion.
She's lacing her fingers with Gaila's without even thinking about it, just needing something to hold on to. Worry clenches in her stomach, and she wills herself to stay sitting. This isn't something she can protect Jim from, and she knows she shouldn't even if she could. He needs to face it on his own; this has nothing to do with her.
The part of Uhura's soul that is still woven together with Africa entreats her to get up, to protect the only family she has left. Her sense of loyalty is tugging at her heart, which cracks every time she sees the line of Jim's back and shoulders stiffen.
"Hey, Ny?" Gaila sounds worried. She's squeezing Uhura's hand, stroking her fingers softly.
Uhura wants to tell her that she's fine, that she'll be all right after one of Gaila's fantastic replicated margaritas. She wants to tell Gaila that it's Jim, that she's worrying over nothing because Jim doesn't let things hurt him. She wants to tell Gaila that she's an amazing friend, to hold her close without thinking about those silly pheromones.
She can't.
And then it's chaos, and she runs off to find Jim, only noticing belatedly when Gaila's fingers are no longer entwined in her own. She finds him, walking toward the docking bay next to McCoy, in a daze. She yanks on his arm, finally able to let loose the tension that had gripped her during his hearing.
"James Tiberius Kirk, what the hell were you thinking? What exactly did you expect was going to happen?"
He doesn't answer, which is probably a good thing for his continued health. Hey, just because Uhura's worried, just because Jim is the closest thing to a younger brother she's ever had, doesn't mean she won't kick his ass.
She gets in line for assignments, right behind Gaila, so she can at least say "good luck" before they ship out.
And then, it's all real. The Enterprise. Pike came through (not that she ever doubted him, exactly-she'll deny it, anyway-she just can't believe it's actually happening). She meets Spock at the shuttle. He's been her advisor throughout the past year, and they've become, if not friends, friendly.
"Congratulations, Lieutenant Uhura," he says with a small nod. Uhura smiles brightly. That's about the nearest thing to a compliment you get when it comes to Spock.
She sees Jim get on, half-carried by McCoy. She doesn't know how exactly he managed to get on the Enterprise-whatever it is is probably against regs-but she can't help a small smile.
Later, when he's not about to vomit, he'll come sit next to her. Then he asks her about Vulcans, and Uhura can't suppress a smile when she tells him about Vulcan kissing because it's so cute that Jimmy's got a crush.
She can't wait to tell Gaila about this, later. Preferably over margaritas.
11
Uhura never wore black much. Her mother's people wore the bright-colored kanga. She once resented the traditional dresses her mother insisted she wear, but now she misses the rainbow that was her family. She misses the bright red of her own kanga, sitting in the closet of her dorm room. She remembers watching her mother make it, stitching in the embroidery. Mkipendana mambo huwa sawa. Everything is all right if you love each other.
If she could force herself beyond the door to their dorm room, Uhura would run her hands over that cloth, would feel the love in it. It would have been so easy to buy, her kanga, but her mother insisted on weaving it by hand, the old way, meticulously stitching the words into the hem. Now, Uhura is thankful. If only she could force herself to press the keys that would let her in to the room. Their room.
She doesn't have anything black to wear to the funeral. There is a dress uniform in the closet, hung up next to the kanga. It isn't perfect, but it would be sufficient.
She can't do it. She keeps flashing back to all those nights when they would come back, drunk, Uhura's arms wrapped around Gaila's neck to keep herself upright until they could collapse in one bed or another and pass out.
Gaila.
She can't do it.
Christine Chapel finds her, forehead pressed to the cold metal door, hand pressed weakly to the keypad. Christine doesn't know her well; they served together, almost died together, and Uhura knows next to nothing about her. But that doesn't matter, because almost died. But didn't. And Christine's a nurse, and her voice is quiet but powerful, and her hands are soft as she leads Uhura away.
And none of it seemed real. It was all chaos and suicide missions and Jim being fucking insane and so many people died, but it didn't seem real, not then. But she hugged Spock in the 'lift, even thought something told her it was a bad idea, because Jim is an idiot and kind of an asshole sometimes, and she was the only one who would do it. Because let's face it, Spock needed a hug, and Uhura was the only one who wasn't scared of him, so she did it. She thinks he appreciated it, but of course there's no way to be sure.
And still, Vulcan is gone and most of the upperclassmen at the Academy-people Uhura knew, worked with-are dead, and it didn't seem real until Uhura got back and found an invitation to Gaila's funeral. She learned long ago that she hates crying for no reason, and she eventually began to hate crying at all, but she can't help it. She sits in Christine Chapel's room (she was in single living, thank god) and sobs into a stranger's shoulder.
Christine gives her a black dress and drives her to the funeral. Uhura thinks she tells her she doesn't have to stay, she never knew Gaila. But Christine shakes her head and asks her if she'll cry. It isn't what Uhura expects her to say, so she nods, slowly.
"People shouldn't have to cry alone," Christine says, taking Uhura's hand as if it's the most natural thing in the world. "I'll stay, if you don't mind." Uhura doesn't answer, and Christine stays.
The funeral is in the official Starfleet cemetery, and there's a black-haired Orion priestess chanting over a huge wreath of tiger lilies. There is a woman standing next to the priestess, older, with long, curly red hair and tear-stained eyes.
Uhura remembers Gaila talking about her mother, but she never met her. She's beautiful. Strong, sad, and beautiful. This is the woman who risked everything to save her daughter from a life of slavery, who almost died getting Gaila to earth. Uhura is in awe of her, and it breaks her heart.
They meet after the ceremony. Uhura is nervous, clutches Christine's hand even harder, and Christine simply propels her toward the Orion woman.
"My name is Nyota Upenda Uhura," she says quietly. "Gaila was… We were ro-She was my friend."
It is simple, but it is enough.
Later, when everyone has gone, Uhura will sit over the place where Gaila's body should be buried and sing a Tero buru for her. Gaila always loved it when she sang, especially in Swahili, the warm, old songs she learned from her mother. This song will be respect and love for the dead. Christine keeps the beat on her knees and holds her when her sobs choke off the words.
That night is the first and only time Jim ever hugs her.
12
Uhura falls asleep in Christine's room after the funeral, and that's where Jim finds her the next day. He takes her out for drinks, and she gets smashed, and she'll have a massive hangover the next day, but she promises herself she won't kill Jim because this is his way of helping. He's being sweet, really, the only way he knows how.
Uhura can't bear going home, and Christine doesn't have any family aside from an older brother who's a lawyer and doesn't talk to her much anymore. So Uhura stays at Christine's place, because she doesn't have anywhere to go. She says it will only be for a few days, until she can get her things and find an apartment until they're due to ship out again.
She TA's for one of Spock's classes, since he's on Vulcan II helping out, and she tries to get back to some semblance of normal. And she may never be able to drink another margarita as long as she lives, but she starts to be okay.
It's been a month, and she never moves out of Chris's place. Chris says there's no point, since they'll be shipping out in a month.
They start going drinking together. Chris doesn't seem like the kind of girl who parties hard, and Uhura wonders vaguely at first if she'll fit in with their group. Jim, McCoy, and Chekov could drink Giotto under the table, and Uhura comes close some nights, and Sulu parties pretty hard even though he's a total lightweight. She doesn't wonder for long. It takes awhile for Chris to take her hair down, but when she does? Damn.
So Uhura isn't exactly surprised when they end up kissing two days before shipping out.
She is surprised when Spock doesn't show up. Worried as she was about Jim during the Kobayashi Maru hearing (which seems like years ago), Uhura couldn't possibly have mistaken the feelings she saw. And she did. She knows people. She's not just a master of linguistics; Uhura's all about communication. Which means she knows subtext, body language, how to read between the lines. Besides, it's not like they're exactly subtle.
So, naturally, she expects him to be there. Jim doesn't. He spends the last two days before shipping out pacing around his room, running his hands through his hair and insisting that Spock isn't coming, that Spock hates him. Which is ridiculous and gives Uhura a headache. Because 1) she has her own problems, namely that Chris is going to be back in a couple hours and they really need to talk about this kissing thing and 2) Spock doesn't hate him, but Jim is a dramatic, stubborn asshole.
Spock shows up, of course. Spock shows up, and they pull out of the dry dock, and it's amazing.
Jim will tell her later that she's a genius. Of course. She knew it would work. She tells Jim never to question her communications powers, because they're beginning to seem pretty much infallible. Uhura's married to words. They don't fail her.
Sometimes, when it's been a particularly grueling shift and Uhura's dead on her feet, she'll go back to her bunk and think Gaila's going to be there, reprogramming their replicator again to make some kind of crazy, amazing drink. She never is. And Uhura will go see Chris, because she may be off-duty but it still feels wrong to cry here.
13
"I'm going to kill them, Chris, I swear to god I will."
"Have some chocolate, honey," Chris says, typing a code into the replicator.
It's not exactly an uncommon scene, much as Uhura would like it to be. It's just that it's been months and they're still fighting constantly and Jim's got this idea that Uhura should be the one to deal with it because it's her fault they got together in the first place. The fact that McCoy is Jim's best friend and a guy doesn't seem to factor into it. And Uhura could argue, could tell him to fuck off and let her deal with her own issues, but she doesn't because apparently Jim is her soft spot and when did that happen, exactly?
So she deals with it, makes them talk things out, kiss and make up. And then she goes to bitch to Chris, because at least Jim and Spock are getting make-up sex out of it. And all Uhura gets is bad replicated chocolate and the hope that maybe next time they'll deal with their own shit themselves. Which they do. Eventually. Eventually, which is too damn long in Uhura's opinion, but she'll take it. At least they aren't trying to kill each other anymore.
And then, her mother dies. They haven't spoken in awhile, and she's pretty sure her mother didn't ever want to see her again and her sisters are just like her and won't want her there either. But it's her mother and Uhura understands her much more now than she ever did at home. And maybe her mother finally accepted Uhura's leaving.
She finds that it doesn't really matter.
Jim schedules shore leave for the whole crew, and he doesn't say it's so Uhura can go to the funeral, but she's pretty sure it might be. She hugs him anyway, and he just grins and says she'd better let him call her Nyota. She won't. But it's still sweet of him to do.
Chris helps her pack, and she gives Uhura her black dress, the same one she wore to Gaila's funeral. Uhura smiles, and Chris kisses her. It isn't passionate; she's not looking for it to go any further. It just is. And Uhura kisses her back, and they become a thing.
Uhura wears her kanga, the deep red one her mother made, over Chris's black dress, and she almost smiles when she looks down at it because they look so odd together but it's as if the two most important women in her life are getting to meet each other.
When she comes back, she finds Chris sitting on her bed holding Spock's Vulcan lute. Chris stands when she comes in, cradling the instrument gently.
"I thought… I mean, after Gaila… You sing beautifully." She pauses, as if that wasn't what she'd meant to say. Uhura smiles, putting down her duffel to take the lute. It reminds her of home, back when her mother was alive and her family would sit in the living room and play music together. The guitar is an important instrument to her people, and she remembers how impressed Spock had been when she learned to play his lute, too. She sits down, cross-legged on the floor. Chris sprawls gracelessly across from her, leaning against Uhura's bed.
She plays something without melody, letting the music melt out of her. She remembers her grandmother's hands pounding drums, her aunts' voices chanting, her sister's feet beating the ground in time with the music. Uhura sings, and it feels like bleeding, like letting out everything she'd held inside her. And when she is finished, Chris kisses her.
"I love you; you know that, right, Ny?"
Uhura kisses her forehead, fingers twisting through her hair. "Yeah."
It's inarticulate, and she's a little ashamed, but she's been in love with words all her life. Now she's finding something else to love and the words are leaving her, for now.
"Yeah, I do."
14
They get married in San Francisco, outside, in this park near the ocean. It's nothing like the ocean in Mombasa, but it's still there, and Uhura appreciates that. Chris is wearing white, because she's got a little traditional in her, even though her parents were about as liberal as you can get. But it's this amazing, low-cut sundress that reaches to her knees, and she's got her hair down, long and blonde and curly. And she's wearing white pants underneath her dress, which makes Uhura smile because of course, that's so Chris. And also, she's gorgeous. Really fucking gorgeous.
And Uhura's nervous as hell. Jim takes her out drinking the night before, her sort-of bachelorette party, after promising Spock he won't do anything stupid (which, he won't, because they both know that Spock will know if he does). It isn't all that helpful, but thank god Jim had the sense to marry Spock, who can actually pass for normal sometimes (even though they pretty much all know he's as crazy as Jim, he's just better at hiding it). So Spock calls this Vulcan woman he knows-T'Pring-and she's apparently from some kind of nobility so she's not as hopeless with dressing up as Uhura's always been.
She ends up wearing the kanga, and T'Pring does her hair up like a high-class Vulcan, which makes her look exotic and pretty and it's infinitely better than a ponytail, which is pretty much the only thing Uhura knows how to do with her hair.
So, if nothing else, at least she knows she looks good. Which is one less thing to worry about when she's standing across from Chris and Jim's looking more captain-like than she's ever seen and when did he grow up? And they're saying their vows and they're kissing and it's amazing, even though she's got butterflies in her stomach the entire time.
Then McCoy gets drunk-well, they all sort of get drunk. And Jim offers them the use of his motorcycle because neither of them has a flitter, and he tells them to have fun but show up for duty in a week, if they can make it out of the bedroom. Uhura punches his arm for that, and Spock gives him one of those looks that's supposed to be disapproving but is actually amused.
The fact is, it's sweet that Jim trusts Uhura with his bike, but they still don't leave the hotel room for five days and it's a near thing making it to the shuttle hanger because sharing a shower is actually not efficient or time-saving at all.
But all the same, it's nice to be back on the Enterprise (Uhura's beginning to accept the fact that none of them are getting off that ship. Ever). Especially with Uhura's nice new promotion to Lieutenant Commander and Chris's becoming a doctor and the fact that they're off for another five years, even though the captain is crazy and they're all pretty sure they're going to die sooner rather than later.
And then one night, Uhura wakes up to Chris coming in after her shift, and the first thing her wife says is, "Ny, honey, I want kids."
Uhura practically writes a dissertation on all the reasons they shouldn't, but three years later they have a baby girl. Uhura doesn't know all the specifics, the science of the whole thing; that's Chris's department. All she knows is that she's holding this perfect little baby with gorgeously tanned skin and dark hair and blue eyes.
Her name is Bahari, which means "ocean" in Swahili.
15
Bahari lives the first year of her life on the Enterprise and the second with Uhura's family in Kenya. And then the second five-year mission is over, and they're all on forced-sabbatical for a year, and they're trying to figure out how to do this family thing.
The answer, basically, is to do things the same way they do in the black: as a crew.
Jim, McCoy warns them, is the most indulgent surrogate-uncle the universe has ever seen, which he knows from experience with Joanna. He turns out to be right, but Chris doesn't mind and Uhura just laughs and punches him. Not that McCoy has any room to talk. Jo's grown up now, so Bahari gets the brunt of his affection too.
Spock teaches her Vulcan, and he plays his lute sometimes when Uhura sings her to sleep. Sulu watches old action holos with her and tells her stories and T'Pring and Aella do her hair all wild. And Chekov builds snowmen with her out of marshmallows because it never snows in San Francisco, not like in Russia.
And it's all ridiculously domestic, but none of them have any kids (except that Jim and Spock have the crew and the ship, but that doesn't really count) and it's sweet the way they all help raise her, even though none of them have a clue what they're doing.
16
It's not that things are easy for the next twenty years. It's just that they know each other way too well by now and Starfleet Command has pretty much stopped trying to say no to them. And they all retire at about the same time, because they stop being able to function with any other crew. Except maybe Chekov, but he bitches all the time about how he's incapable of dealing with a crew that isn't insane, but he's being melodramatic. Mostly.
Bahari graduates college and becomes a marine biologist, which makes Uhura laugh because her mother told her once that names have power, and she really should have seen it coming. What she also doesn't see coming is the day she comms to tell them she's getting married. Chris tells her she's just being oblivious.
Either way, the boy's name is Zach and he's really sweet, even though Uhura might scare the hell out of him.
And then one day they have grandkids, twins, even, two little boys, and Chris wonders aloud when it was they got so old. Uhura reaches across the table to grab her hand and answers that she has no idea.
And even now, even though she doesn't really have to worry about him, Uhura knows that Jim has no idea he's getting old, and that just means headaches for everyone because Jim Kirk never changes. But if this is her life, Uhura could probably be okay with that. Even if she still comes home some nights begging Chris for chocolate. Because sometimes? Sometimes Jim forgets that yes, she can still hit pretty damned hard.