Comments | kithlyara: Brigits_Flame June 2010 Week 1 Entry

kithlyara

Brigits_Flame June 2010 Week 1 Entry

May 31, 2010 19:52

Yup, I'm writing stories for brigits_flame again! As always, comments are loved and appreciated.

The theme for this week is: Jasmine, Forever
Genre: Fiction - Fantasy
Rating: PG
Word Count: 658

( One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. - Sophocles (496 BC - 406 BC) )

brigits flame

Comments 10

lacombe June 1 2010, 23:20:01 UTC

ink stained fingers = ink-stained fingers

I like this, Kit- your writing skills are definitely still there. I think that you spend a teensy bit too much energy on explaining what she's deserving. I'd recommend you using some of that energy to explain how she feels about it more-- the depth of her loss, her loneliness, and the sour feelings she has about whom she watches for eternity.

kithlyara June 2 2010, 00:56:02 UTC

Thank you for taking the time to read this for me! I'm really glad I'm not so rusty that my first foray into writing for Brigit's Flame again was terrible. It's funny how confident I can be about so many things in my life but I'm still unsure about my writing. I think it's because there's always a bit of my inner self in everything I write somewhere ( ... )

lacombe June 6 2010, 22:06:03 UTC

Hey there!

I was appointed as your editor! :-) I notice that I made the same editorial comments as before, even though I'd thought I hadn't. I'm going to leave it and see if this second way of explaining it strikes you differently.

http://www.brigits-flame.com/edits/kithlyara-june-06-2010.php

darlinleo June 6 2010, 00:42:48 UTC

Hi! Welcome back to the FLAME! I enjoyed your creation immensely. Is Jasmine a character you've worked with before, or is this her first appearance?

kithlyara June 6 2010, 03:30:45 UTC

Thank you so much for the welcome back :) I missed writing for Brigit's Flame so much! I didn't realize how much writing was a part of me and how happy it made me until I spent entirely too long not writing.

Jasmine is actually a brand new character of mine. I've been thinking about expanding on her story since there's quite a lot to it, though. I'm really glad you enjoyed reading about her :D

lacombe June 6 2010, 22:06:55 UTC

I'm very glad you're back, kith.

kithlyara June 7 2010, 00:10:51 UTC

I am very glad to be back! I missed all of you so much!

Getting diagnosed with Fibromyalgia last year on top of having CIDP really sent me into a downward spiral and I segregated myself a lot from the people that I love and care about. I spent an entire year suffering from it and I finally decided it was time to start living with it instead.

While I've been following Brigit's Flame for the past few months, I decided it was best not to enter the competition again until I was sure I was ready. Now, I am so glad I'm writing again! It really does make me happy, especially when other people enjoy reading what I've written.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and edit my entry this month! The encouragement you've given really does mean the world to me. *huggles*

By the way, while digging through stacks of old papers of mine, I found copies of short stories and poems that I wrote when I was in middle and high school. Would you like to read them whenever I get around to inputting them into my laptop?

Thread 5

writingmoments June 14 2010, 23:30:30 UTC

This was my very favorite line:

She covered the walls of her empty palaces with fragments of their lives, carefully written in her flowing hand.

That feeling seems familiar. If one cannot live the life one wishes, at least we can write about what we wanted to be and who we wish we still could touch.

And I agree with the ending:

Every story, every minute of his life was etched on the many pieces of her still broken heart and she knew she would carry them with her always.

Somehow...one can never forget the details of the object of one's passion, love and desire...even if it would ease the pain to somehow forget.

You put a lot into this. It's very original. I find the ideas keep lingering in my mind. I hope you keep writing..AND sharing:)

pipisafoat June 25 2010, 14:48:41 UTC

Hey there, sorry I'm so late bringing you this edit! Let's see what I can give you....

The first thing I noticed is that you say she only watched, but the rest of the story shows that she did fall in love with this man. Was that just through watching, or did she interact with the human world as you discuss in the first paragraphs? I'd like to see that cleared up a bit in the story.

The other content suggestion I have is related to the ending of the story. For one, did you consider introducing her name earlier? However, more importantly, I was thrown by your declaration that would remain Jasmine forever. It wasn't really hinted at throughout the story that there was a possibility she wouldn't. Or are you telling us that she's immortal, or that she could change into a human but won't?

As for grammar, I don't have a whole lot for you that Jacques didn't already catch. Ellipses, though ... they require a space on either side, like that.

So, she watched.I'd take out that comma. It doesn't seem necessary, and it would really add to the ( ... )