Comments | kithlyara: Brigits_Flame June 2010 Week 2 Entry

kithlyara

Brigits_Flame June 2010 Week 2 Entry

Jun 12, 2010 21:59

In this week's brigits_flame entry, my muse demanded I write about something very personal to me which has me feeling a little fragile and reliving old memories. Any comments will be greatly appreciated.

The theme for this week is: Wild, Beguile
Genre: Nonfiction
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1548
Notes: Deals with a violent topic

( Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true. - Demosthenes (384 BC - 322 BC), Third Olynthiac )

brigits flame

Comments 7

Editor darlinleo June 14 2010, 12:59:50 UTC

This is incredibly touching. I have an affinity for those who record very personal parts of their lives in such a way then put it all on display here at the FLAME, perhaps because I've my own experience of just how cathartic the entire process is. I hope you found this cathartic, and I hope it encourages you to tread more into the realm of creative non-fiction with later entries ( ... )

Re: Editor darlinleo June 14 2010, 13:25:31 UTC

The next paragraph just needs a bit of tidying up:

You see, two days after Thanksgiving and eight days after his nineteenth birthday, November 28 became the day my family calls my brother's second birthday. By all accounts, that day should have been etched onto a tombstone in a San Diego graveyard. It's truly by the grace of God that he's even alive today.

Word change: My thoughts are a blur as I hopped onto the highway ... Raced or dashed - something depicting speed would do better here.

Again, just a little tidying (cleaning out the commas), a few more punctuational cues are needed here: I sincerely hope with all my heart and soul that you never know what it's like to identify someone you love, someone who is so close to you there is not a single childhood memory that they aren't a part of. I knew him simply by the tip of his nose. It was that nose jutting out of a face laden with tubes and wires, swollen and bruised beyond recognition, that made me pause as I walked toward the bed. In a quirk of genetics, my brothers ( ... )

Re: Editor kithlyara June 14 2010, 17:43:40 UTC

Thank you so much for your kind comments and edit!

This is actually the very first draft of what I wrote. I know I rushed over some of the description I could have given because of how emotional it was making me. I do want to rewrite this when I can look at it a little more objectively if for no other reason than to attempt to warn people away from gangs. When I do, I will definitely use your suggestions.

vyvyan_wilde June 14 2010, 15:30:19 UTC

This piece was amazing. I'm filled with admiration, not just because of your writing which is so touching filled with emotion but because of the strength it must have taken to write about something so personal to you. Thank you very much for sharing this.

kithlyara June 14 2010, 17:52:04 UTC

Thank you so much for taking the time to read it! It really does mean a lot to me, especially because of how personal this is.

Your BF edit! keppiehed June 14 2010, 21:24:06 UTC

Hello, I'm one of your editors this week!

I notice that you requested a no holds barred edit with grammar. I have quite a few things that I'd like to comment on that won't fit in this post. I can do one of two things: I can go line-by-line through the piece, like I usually do for folks, and just leave multiple posts here for you to see, or I can do it in a more professional way. I don't normally offer that type of edit here at BF, but if you are familiar with Tracking Changes, there are many things I feel I could offer some advice on. I notice that Darlinleo already gave you an edit more based on concrit, so I can focus on details of SPaG.

Let me know which method you prefer, and I'd be happy to work with you!

Your BF edit! keppiehed June 18 2010, 12:38:33 UTC

Hello, I am just checking in again, and I decided to leave your edit here, as time is running short. I hope that is okay with you.

First of all, let me commend you for choosing to write about such a personal topic. It isn't easy to do, but you were brave to use material from your own life to make a narrative from. It has a lot of emotional impact, more so than if you were just thinking up something fictional.

To help you gain maximum impact and to get the point across to the reader, after you write down your feelings, it is important to be able to go back with a clear head and edit out some of the more declarative statements that pepper the document.

All because he joined a stupid gang.In my experience, phrases that are overtly judgmental from the author, such as stupid, have less impact than the implied impact. It would be a stronger, punchier sentence, and the meaning is inferred without the "stupid". You don't lose any of your scorn, but you allow the reader to form their own conclusions. You aren't actually allowing for any ( ... )