Comments | kithlyara: Brigits_Flame July 2011 Week 2 Entry

kithlyara

Brigits_Flame July 2011 Week 2 Entry

Jul 17, 2011 15:33

Any comments will be greatly appreciated.

The theme for this week is: Every family has its secrets
Genre: Fiction
Rating: PG/PG 13 - Could potentially be disturbing
Word Count: 451

( All secrets are deep. All secrets become dark. That's in the nature of secrets. - Cory Doctorow )

brigits flame

Comments 5

leticiae July 17 2011, 21:11:41 UTC

I must have a dark persona because I couldn't help laughing at this. Poor Melinda! She really is having problems dealing with reality, isn't she?

She probably should have gotten a decent A/C unit like everyone else. Then nobody would have figured it out... God, I'm bad!

Great job!

deusssexmachina July 18 2011, 00:43:54 UTC

Eeek. I imagined it like if it were a movie and it was way too easy to imagine. *kills my fantasy*
Great idea with the breaking news!

Your BF edit! keppiehed July 19 2011, 14:45:33 UTC

Hello I'm your editor this week!

Let's being with specifics. (corrections are in brackets):

-Instead of knocking on the door[,] as he had done at countless other homes,

-At first glance, the small farm house located at the end of a gravel driveway, hidden by trees along a curving stretch of FM 371 [,] would seem right at home on the cover of a home decorating magazine. "farmhouse" is a compound word. Also, this is a compound sentence and should be broken into two smaller and more manageable sentences.

-Freshly painted and bearing a picturesque porch[,] complete with his and hers rocking chairs, it would be easy to imagine a dog lazily sleeping as an elderly couple chatted the afternoon away. You can omit "lazily" or move it after "sleeping". Also, it is inadvisable to end on a preposition, so "away" should be moved to before "the".

-As soon as the officers entered the premises[,] however, the house went from the stuff of dreams to nightmar[ish].

-Seated upon a couch in the living room, facing an old, flickering television set, ( ... )

osoreranai July 19 2011, 17:54:36 UTC

The whole article thing was a great touch. I think the one part where it kind of fell in for me, though, was where it starts to get descriptive. It's not typical of news articles to do that unless it's TIME magazine or Newsweek or something.

It's just a thought, though.

bluegerl July 20 2011, 09:03:20 UTC

Golly I have to use the Sunflower icon!

Hello, I'm your ROARer for the week. My first time doing this, so I'm not at all good at growling!

This is really something else! Wonderful use of the prompt! Creepy and bloodcurdling and - oh dear it could happen somewhere... somehow - very very atmospheric. Poor mad Melinda.
Your editor has said what I may have quietly growled, and the whole piece is - most enjoyable, (and here in the UK one of the most likely Tabloid Newsrags to have printed it has just closed down, thank goodness. They loved stuff like that!)

Good work, good idea, Good Thinking Batwoman!!! best wishes.