HELLO CLOSURE!
So, finally, Chris told me what was up:
Also, apparently he and Lily have been dating.
WHO KNEW!? Not me, that's who.
Anyway
here's the dramatic ending to the Emily's Friends Suck Saga:
CHRISTOPHER: So I've given it a lot of thought
and I've really considered not saying anything else for a while
but I don't think that that is fully fair to you
me: ok
CHRISTOPHER: so I mean
I've valued your friendship a lot in the past few yaers
I think things were growing apart
I think the amount that we had in common was decreasing for the time being
and I think that that's a fine thing, and that's how things go
I lost touh with michael boyce for like, two years
and we grew back otgether
and it was great when that happened
and so I sort of figured that was what was happening with us, and I wasn't stressed about it
you were, and that's understandable
so when we talekd
I tried to be as honest as possible
because there really was no intent to like
hurt you
there still isn't
but I didn't see us as very close anymore, and I didn't think lying or pretending something else
was a very good idea
anyway, since this whole talk of the conpiracy thing that you were worried about
I've talked to Nick more about it
and I've talked to other people too, although Nick is very clearly the
the one who feels similarly or whatever
perhaps even more strongly, I think
but I have come to realize that we've both hurt each other plenty in the past while
like, over the course of our friendship
we've both caused each other a decent amount of suffering
and I think we've overcome it just fine
but coupled with my sense of our decreasing common ground
it sort of hastened my feelings of kind of wanting this friendship to be over for a while
anyway, that's where things stood
then one day shortly after we talked
a message was sent from my facebook account to Lily's
"I can't love you any more, please leave me alone"
and that was really hard to explain
so I checked with nick and dorie
who both ahve my password
and lily herself
I checked that my computer may have been tampered with
I went through a lot to figure out who could have done that
and to be honest, you're the only person who would have had any opportunity to have accidentally or deliberately saved my password, after I used your computer so much last spring
and you're the only person who I can figure who would have had a motive to go on at all
to like, look for evidence of a conspiracy or whatever else
and you're the only person who I can figure who would have been anywhere close to either of those two things, and who also would be in any way aggravated that Lily and I are seeing each other
so I have slowly come to believe that you did that
and maybe I'm wrong, I dont know
I'll probably never know
me: First of all, Although I actually had no idea that you and lily were seeing each other, I'm happy for the two of you, as it seems that something that had been developing for awhile finally came to light
Secondly, I'm terribly insulted that you think I would do something like that
Also, while I'll never be able to prove this to you
my harddrive shit the bed at the end of september
which would mean that if your password had accidently saved last spring
there is no possible way it would have been there whenever you think I said this message
Also, regardless of the fact that I've been super upset
I never like... wished ill of you
And why would I be ridiculous enough to try to sabatoge a relationship I A. didn't know about
and B. like... the situation would obviously be fixed immediately?
that makes absolutely no sense
What could I possibly gain from that
I assumed that you knew me well enough to know that I wasn't a vindictive sort of person
I also assumed that you realized that I haven't had any sort of romantic inclinations for you since last Spring
CHRISTOPHER: I'm not implying that you have romantic feelings for me
and I'm not really sure that it's worth discussing the likelihood of you being capable of doing this or not
me: No, because if you've already decided it's me than I can't do anything to defend it
CHRISTOPHER: because as much as I agree that it seems unlikely
I will never be able to feel certain that it wasn't you
I agree it doesn't seem like something you'd just casually do without thinking about it
your'e not a vindictive person, I agree
but I can't fully absolve you, all the same
me: This whole time that I've felt like crap about this, I've been perfectly civil
friendly even
until that last email
Where I was obviously angry
you didn't think it was worth asking me?
CHRISTOPHER: I'm not really interested in a protracted conversation about it
because that isn't even the final part of it
it was the realization
that I couldn't be certain, that I couldn't put it past you, and that I knew I wouldn't be able to fully trust you in the end whatever you said
that I would always have doubt
and I realized
me: I didn't even know you and lily were dating!
CHRISTOPHER: how unconcerned I had become
as to whether or not it was true
it made sense and I didn't really feel enough affection for you any longer to even bother trying to clear you in my mind
and that's the part
that's far more significant
than whether youer' actually guilty or not
so if you really are innocent, you can feel completely victimized in these last few weeks, if you want
that's fair, and in that case, then I guess I'm clearly at fault for making a bad assumption
but it's not even the central question to me anymore
so if I'm the badguy, then that's that
but I don't see the point in pressing on with any of this anymore
and my preferred way of dealing with this
would have been allowing our friendship to just fade away and not having to tell you all these things that are clearly going to be hurtful
because I really don't feel any animosity or desire to hurt you
I just don't care enough one way or the other anymore to pretend like we should still be friends
I'm sorry that that's hurtful, but I don't want to leave you in the dark anymore
me: Well thenl
I was more than willing to wash my hands of the friendship when after our last conversation you had made it fairly clear that you didn't care one way or the other whether or not we stayed friends
I thought that staying friendly wasn't going to be too much to ask
but that didn't pan out either, obviously
I really wracked my memory for something I could have done that would make you hate me so much as to cut off what had been, to that point, a good friendship
Well, atleast now I know it wasn't something I did, but something that was assumed
which is better to know on my part
The fact that you just don't care
I think is what hurts
because usually when frienships fall apart
it's a mutual thing
where people are too busy
or people grow apart
But that wasn't at all what happened in this situation
I was angry that I hadn't gotten a straight answer out of you
which I now have, of sorts
CHRISTOPHER: we grew apart to a point where I no longer was able to muster a struggle against the idea of you having betrayed me that severely
that's your straight answer
I mean, there have been other things
little things
I don't want to get into them
because no amount of conversation will change things
and I don't think a lengthy argument over nuance will do either of us any good
but if you want a take-home message of why this happened
I was no longer able to feel close enough to you to bother trying to resist this idea of you betraying me
me: This is what it is
but it's ridiculous
CHRISTOPHER: I guess so
me: Look,
I'm not trying to villanize you in this
I'm definately angry over the past month
because now I know it was something I was trying to figure out that I was never going to
but I appreciate you telling me the truth
I wish you'd done it sooner.
CHRISTOPHER: And I want you to know
I think we have other friends who feel similarly,
but many who don't
and I am not going to do anything to try to change the feelings of the rest of our common acquaintances
I have no interest in doing that
so I don't want you to feel like I (or nick) would be behind anything bad that happens
and I don't want you to feel insecure about how I'd be talking about you around people like jillian or megan rose or michael boyce or whoever else
me: We have other friends who feel similarly in that I'm not a friend?
CHRISTOPHER: well, Nick as the obvious
me: right
CHRISTOPHER: in regards to anyone else
me: Lily, probably, if she feels like I did the facebook thing
CHRISTOPHER: I'm not going to bother talking about that
because if they don't bring anything up
it's probably because they want to find a way to get past it or it isnt' that severe or anything else
me: Right
well, I wouldn't have assumed that you would have tried to make everyone see me as evil
or worthless
or what have you
I think it's unfortunate
that we won't be friends again
CHRISTOPHER: maybe we will one day
me: no
we won't
because there's no trust
CHRISTOPHER: although all of this disagreement makes that unlikely
that's true, there isn't
from either of us
me: Correct
I'm going to say that I feel betrayed, but I certain you feel the same way
Basically I've felt really terrible about myself for the past few months
I'm not saying that's totally your fault
I'm just saying that when someone who used to be really close to you tries reaching out, or whatever, obviously upset
It's really shitty to get nothing in response
And it feels really horrible for that to happen
I'm really unsure as to what made this happen
PM but there was a line
and it's so far gone I wouldn't even know which direction to look
This is also a new experience for me. I've stopped being friends with people because of school, or because they had sex with my boyfriend (you know, for instance)
but I've never just been cut out of someone's life before
So that's it?
we're done talking?
CHRISTOPHER: unless you have more to say
I don't know what else to do
me: I mean, an end to the conversation would be nice
Like
Bye, have a nice Christmas, see you at the 24 hour play festival
Oh
I have a question
which might seem ridiculous to ask
but like
I see you over break at the gym?
What?
I ignore you
?
Like Nick keeps trying to do to me
CHRISTOPHER: Nick, I believe
and I don't know this
bt I suspect it
is trying to avoid saying anything
that would give you any hope
or anything to be angry about
and I think he'd rather you be pissed at his silence
and have one thing to focus your anger at
me: He could be civil
CHRISTOPHER: and not have either of you have to talk abou tit
that's my suspicion
me: All I expected was a hello and a goodbye
CHRISTOPHER: but htat isn't the gospel truth
just what I think
and yes, I have no intent to ignore you or be stupid
civility makes perfect sense
I don't hate you
me: We end up being nothing to each other
aquintances with both good and bad memories
CHRISTOPHER: that sounds a little poeticized, but the concept is about right
me: Well goodbye
have a good semester
and I'll see you at the 24 hour play festival (where I will be a spectator)
CHRISTOPHER: see you then
Also, apparently he and Lily have been dating.
WHO KNEW!? Not me, that's who.
Anyway
here's the dramatic ending to the Emily's Friends Suck Saga:
CHRISTOPHER: So I've given it a lot of thought
and I've really considered not saying anything else for a while
but I don't think that that is fully fair to you
me: ok
CHRISTOPHER: so I mean
I've valued your friendship a lot in the past few yaers
I think things were growing apart
I think the amount that we had in common was decreasing for the time being
and I think that that's a fine thing, and that's how things go
I lost touh with michael boyce for like, two years
and we grew back otgether
and it was great when that happened
and so I sort of figured that was what was happening with us, and I wasn't stressed about it
you were, and that's understandable
so when we talekd
I tried to be as honest as possible
because there really was no intent to like
hurt you
there still isn't
but I didn't see us as very close anymore, and I didn't think lying or pretending something else
was a very good idea
anyway, since this whole talk of the conpiracy thing that you were worried about
I've talked to Nick more about it
and I've talked to other people too, although Nick is very clearly the
the one who feels similarly or whatever
perhaps even more strongly, I think
but I have come to realize that we've both hurt each other plenty in the past while
like, over the course of our friendship
we've both caused each other a decent amount of suffering
and I think we've overcome it just fine
but coupled with my sense of our decreasing common ground
it sort of hastened my feelings of kind of wanting this friendship to be over for a while
anyway, that's where things stood
then one day shortly after we talked
a message was sent from my facebook account to Lily's
"I can't love you any more, please leave me alone"
and that was really hard to explain
so I checked with nick and dorie
who both ahve my password
and lily herself
I checked that my computer may have been tampered with
I went through a lot to figure out who could have done that
and to be honest, you're the only person who would have had any opportunity to have accidentally or deliberately saved my password, after I used your computer so much last spring
and you're the only person who I can figure who would have had a motive to go on at all
to like, look for evidence of a conspiracy or whatever else
and you're the only person who I can figure who would have been anywhere close to either of those two things, and who also would be in any way aggravated that Lily and I are seeing each other
so I have slowly come to believe that you did that
and maybe I'm wrong, I dont know
I'll probably never know
me: First of all, Although I actually had no idea that you and lily were seeing each other, I'm happy for the two of you, as it seems that something that had been developing for awhile finally came to light
Secondly, I'm terribly insulted that you think I would do something like that
Also, while I'll never be able to prove this to you
my harddrive shit the bed at the end of september
which would mean that if your password had accidently saved last spring
there is no possible way it would have been there whenever you think I said this message
Also, regardless of the fact that I've been super upset
I never like... wished ill of you
And why would I be ridiculous enough to try to sabatoge a relationship I A. didn't know about
and B. like... the situation would obviously be fixed immediately?
that makes absolutely no sense
What could I possibly gain from that
I assumed that you knew me well enough to know that I wasn't a vindictive sort of person
I also assumed that you realized that I haven't had any sort of romantic inclinations for you since last Spring
CHRISTOPHER: I'm not implying that you have romantic feelings for me
and I'm not really sure that it's worth discussing the likelihood of you being capable of doing this or not
me: No, because if you've already decided it's me than I can't do anything to defend it
CHRISTOPHER: because as much as I agree that it seems unlikely
I will never be able to feel certain that it wasn't you
I agree it doesn't seem like something you'd just casually do without thinking about it
your'e not a vindictive person, I agree
but I can't fully absolve you, all the same
me: This whole time that I've felt like crap about this, I've been perfectly civil
friendly even
until that last email
Where I was obviously angry
you didn't think it was worth asking me?
CHRISTOPHER: I'm not really interested in a protracted conversation about it
because that isn't even the final part of it
it was the realization
that I couldn't be certain, that I couldn't put it past you, and that I knew I wouldn't be able to fully trust you in the end whatever you said
that I would always have doubt
and I realized
me: I didn't even know you and lily were dating!
CHRISTOPHER: how unconcerned I had become
as to whether or not it was true
it made sense and I didn't really feel enough affection for you any longer to even bother trying to clear you in my mind
and that's the part
that's far more significant
than whether youer' actually guilty or not
so if you really are innocent, you can feel completely victimized in these last few weeks, if you want
that's fair, and in that case, then I guess I'm clearly at fault for making a bad assumption
but it's not even the central question to me anymore
so if I'm the badguy, then that's that
but I don't see the point in pressing on with any of this anymore
and my preferred way of dealing with this
would have been allowing our friendship to just fade away and not having to tell you all these things that are clearly going to be hurtful
because I really don't feel any animosity or desire to hurt you
I just don't care enough one way or the other anymore to pretend like we should still be friends
I'm sorry that that's hurtful, but I don't want to leave you in the dark anymore
me: Well thenl
I was more than willing to wash my hands of the friendship when after our last conversation you had made it fairly clear that you didn't care one way or the other whether or not we stayed friends
I thought that staying friendly wasn't going to be too much to ask
but that didn't pan out either, obviously
I really wracked my memory for something I could have done that would make you hate me so much as to cut off what had been, to that point, a good friendship
Well, atleast now I know it wasn't something I did, but something that was assumed
which is better to know on my part
The fact that you just don't care
I think is what hurts
because usually when frienships fall apart
it's a mutual thing
where people are too busy
or people grow apart
But that wasn't at all what happened in this situation
I was angry that I hadn't gotten a straight answer out of you
which I now have, of sorts
CHRISTOPHER: we grew apart to a point where I no longer was able to muster a struggle against the idea of you having betrayed me that severely
that's your straight answer
I mean, there have been other things
little things
I don't want to get into them
because no amount of conversation will change things
and I don't think a lengthy argument over nuance will do either of us any good
but if you want a take-home message of why this happened
I was no longer able to feel close enough to you to bother trying to resist this idea of you betraying me
me: This is what it is
but it's ridiculous
CHRISTOPHER: I guess so
me: Look,
I'm not trying to villanize you in this
I'm definately angry over the past month
because now I know it was something I was trying to figure out that I was never going to
but I appreciate you telling me the truth
I wish you'd done it sooner.
CHRISTOPHER: And I want you to know
I think we have other friends who feel similarly,
but many who don't
and I am not going to do anything to try to change the feelings of the rest of our common acquaintances
I have no interest in doing that
so I don't want you to feel like I (or nick) would be behind anything bad that happens
and I don't want you to feel insecure about how I'd be talking about you around people like jillian or megan rose or michael boyce or whoever else
me: We have other friends who feel similarly in that I'm not a friend?
CHRISTOPHER: well, Nick as the obvious
me: right
CHRISTOPHER: in regards to anyone else
me: Lily, probably, if she feels like I did the facebook thing
CHRISTOPHER: I'm not going to bother talking about that
because if they don't bring anything up
it's probably because they want to find a way to get past it or it isnt' that severe or anything else
me: Right
well, I wouldn't have assumed that you would have tried to make everyone see me as evil
or worthless
or what have you
I think it's unfortunate
that we won't be friends again
CHRISTOPHER: maybe we will one day
me: no
we won't
because there's no trust
CHRISTOPHER: although all of this disagreement makes that unlikely
that's true, there isn't
from either of us
me: Correct
I'm going to say that I feel betrayed, but I certain you feel the same way
Basically I've felt really terrible about myself for the past few months
I'm not saying that's totally your fault
I'm just saying that when someone who used to be really close to you tries reaching out, or whatever, obviously upset
It's really shitty to get nothing in response
And it feels really horrible for that to happen
I'm really unsure as to what made this happen
PM but there was a line
and it's so far gone I wouldn't even know which direction to look
This is also a new experience for me. I've stopped being friends with people because of school, or because they had sex with my boyfriend (you know, for instance)
but I've never just been cut out of someone's life before
So that's it?
we're done talking?
CHRISTOPHER: unless you have more to say
I don't know what else to do
me: I mean, an end to the conversation would be nice
Like
Bye, have a nice Christmas, see you at the 24 hour play festival
Oh
I have a question
which might seem ridiculous to ask
but like
I see you over break at the gym?
What?
I ignore you
?
Like Nick keeps trying to do to me
CHRISTOPHER: Nick, I believe
and I don't know this
bt I suspect it
is trying to avoid saying anything
that would give you any hope
or anything to be angry about
and I think he'd rather you be pissed at his silence
and have one thing to focus your anger at
me: He could be civil
CHRISTOPHER: and not have either of you have to talk abou tit
that's my suspicion
me: All I expected was a hello and a goodbye
CHRISTOPHER: but htat isn't the gospel truth
just what I think
and yes, I have no intent to ignore you or be stupid
civility makes perfect sense
I don't hate you
me: We end up being nothing to each other
aquintances with both good and bad memories
CHRISTOPHER: that sounds a little poeticized, but the concept is about right
me: Well goodbye
have a good semester
and I'll see you at the 24 hour play festival (where I will be a spectator)
CHRISTOPHER: see you then