LJ cuts not working, meant to label this as pubilc but not fit for consumption
This is the obligatory psuedo-in-laws post. it is mainly a little whine about how my ego is not being stroked enough and how much I miss MY family. Don't read it.
B actually told his mom over the phone that they could only come down as long as she didn't say anything mean to me this time when they said they'd like to come. The whole trip was planned around helping us move, so of course I'm way off-kilter and unable to play hostess properly which really upsets me, because that's what I'm bred for. It's not that I'm not greatful for the help. They have a truck, they lift heavy things, it's wonderful. I don't know. Things were different this time, but I didn't feel any better, really, than last time.
This time, instead of direct comments it was all acs of ommision. His parents stayed in a hotel. But it felt like they did so because we couldn't provide adequate accomodations. We still didn't have a guest bed or anything, hmm! Also, our air conditioning sucks. And the family in general wouldn't let me plan any meals for them, we just go out to eat, and I know that's just what they do, eat out a ton, but it's not how I was raised and really I could have made something much nicer than zaxby's chicken strips or sonic. The one meal we ate here was designed so that brent could grill it. So I said I'd bake a pie. They went to the store with B but didn't bring back any pie ingriedients, so I got up early and went to the store myself to get them, and then I had to go back across town for something I forgot. The real point is, none of my hospitality is accepted.
And it's all these other little things that mean nothing that are driving me into my office to whine on LJ, too. Like his mother's goddamn crosswords. She'll ask everybody else in the house but me for help. I know, she knows them and what their areas of expertise are, but it was like, I wouldn't know.
Brent's parents do not exist to buy me things. I also do not believe they exist to buy Brent things, though he is still in poor college student mode and is totally cool with it and sort of expected that they'll take him grocery shopping and buy him a bunch of stuff for the new house. And they did! Brent's house now has two wicker chairs and a lawnmower and a new grill.
We also needed a new non-battle worn flag for the front porch, but I was sent with them on that trip as it was girly and someone had to wait for the cable man. They didn't even make a fake pass at paying for that. But they argued with Brent over every meal. And at the unclaimed baggage store his mom bought him some fancy pocket watch she caught him ogling. To be fair, she bought his brother one too, since they are both her sons and I am sure she loves them equally. And again, I don't expect them to buy anything for me. I certainly don't every intend to carry a pocketwatch. But really, I felt like I shouldn't be there at all.
When we visited my grandparents, my grandma took me bathing suit shopping and my grandpa bought Brent a power drill. They were as excited about Brent as they were about me. Even the "housewarming gifts" Brent's parents directed at thier son and no one else.
It'd be one thing if his mom was overly helpful(critical), if she tried to tell me how to bake things or how to decorate or anything. That I can handle. But this whole barley existing, and being of little or no value or use thing fucks my shit up.
I miss Nick's mom! She was always getting me to help her pick out paint for her living room and giving me hugs and saying how cool I was! I even miss Eric's mom, who would go from liking me to thinking I threw temper tantrums in resteraunts to liking me again in the blink of an eye, she was always interesting to talk to.
And my friend's moms who would let them go out and do things with me, because I was such a good responsible trustworthy kid! I'm sort of used to be treated as a smart charming aquaintance (or at least a dangerous imp of badness and corruption..hehehe), and instead I'm a conversation killer, someone who intterupts when they're trying to listen to Brent tell them about every little aspect of his wonderful life.
But the thing that got me the most was when his mom asked me if my family had ever come to vist. I had to lie and say that they're really busy, which sounded like they didn't really love me as much as thier own lives.
The truth is my family has not visited me because they are too polite to burnden someone young who lived in a two-bedroom apartment with entertaining REAL guests for days. They also don't want me to have to take time off of work that I could take off to do something "fun." Like the party we were invited to last night when Brent' usually early turn-in mom decided to stay until midnight playing video games in our living room. If anything my family would rather pay for me and Brent to come visit them at the beach in FL or in Minneapolis, where they'd encourage us to go off by ourselves and have a nice time and then come home to hang out in the kitchen and have dinner. And they frequently offer to do so. The truth is, my grandparents were really offeneded that I didnt ask THEM to help me move, but brent's parents had already claimed that slot before I even knew when or where we were living and it'd be seriously weird mixing the two. I could go on a long side-rant about the differences between our families and I could speculate that while my mom and Brent's mom are very alike, they'd totally get in a bitch fight.
I think the main thing is just that my family is and always has been very small, but we have always adopted alot of outsiders. Our extended family is huge and loved just as much and frequently more than blood relatives. My dad literally has an extra mother and father in his inlaws. So all this buisness of me just being an extra wheel feels really wrong no matter how normal it probably is.
I don't know what to do anymore. Part of me thinks I should just not give up. I should keep inserting myself in and participating. Part of me likes the idea of just leaving them to thier golden boy and taking solace in my own family. next time they come visit maybe I'll take time off and go stay with my grandparents or anybody. Some imaginary friend who just had a baby. It would have been nice if I had had to work this week. I should have found reasons to stay home form trips, or be away from them. Baking a pie in the kitchen and straightening it up today was very peaceful.
Part of me feels like it's perfectly logical to be in this position, part of me is pretty resentful. part of me really likes his family and part of me thinks they're boring as all getup. I like Brent alot, but I don't know that I ever really want to be part of his family, if you know what I mean. There are alot of people I'd have a hard time choosing between on a holiday, but they don't make that list. And anything more serious than it is now between us is going to make all that terribly complicated. My family was already really upset that they'd accidentaly split us up for the holidays, but Brent's couldn't spare him for a moment. I fear the version of the future where I have to go be a guest with them and miss out on my family because they're so fucking traditional and in love with B. Hello, I'm in love with B, too, but I know how to share. They had, like, 21 years of him pretty much all to themselves.I will stop typing now. Sorry there.
B actually told his mom over the phone that they could only come down as long as she didn't say anything mean to me this time when they said they'd like to come. The whole trip was planned around helping us move, so of course I'm way off-kilter and unable to play hostess properly which really upsets me, because that's what I'm bred for. It's not that I'm not greatful for the help. They have a truck, they lift heavy things, it's wonderful. I don't know. Things were different this time, but I didn't feel any better, really, than last time.
This time, instead of direct comments it was all acs of ommision. His parents stayed in a hotel. But it felt like they did so because we couldn't provide adequate accomodations. We still didn't have a guest bed or anything, hmm! Also, our air conditioning sucks. And the family in general wouldn't let me plan any meals for them, we just go out to eat, and I know that's just what they do, eat out a ton, but it's not how I was raised and really I could have made something much nicer than zaxby's chicken strips or sonic. The one meal we ate here was designed so that brent could grill it. So I said I'd bake a pie. They went to the store with B but didn't bring back any pie ingriedients, so I got up early and went to the store myself to get them, and then I had to go back across town for something I forgot. The real point is, none of my hospitality is accepted.
And it's all these other little things that mean nothing that are driving me into my office to whine on LJ, too. Like his mother's goddamn crosswords. She'll ask everybody else in the house but me for help. I know, she knows them and what their areas of expertise are, but it was like, I wouldn't know.
Brent's parents do not exist to buy me things. I also do not believe they exist to buy Brent things, though he is still in poor college student mode and is totally cool with it and sort of expected that they'll take him grocery shopping and buy him a bunch of stuff for the new house. And they did! Brent's house now has two wicker chairs and a lawnmower and a new grill.
We also needed a new non-battle worn flag for the front porch, but I was sent with them on that trip as it was girly and someone had to wait for the cable man. They didn't even make a fake pass at paying for that. But they argued with Brent over every meal. And at the unclaimed baggage store his mom bought him some fancy pocket watch she caught him ogling. To be fair, she bought his brother one too, since they are both her sons and I am sure she loves them equally. And again, I don't expect them to buy anything for me. I certainly don't every intend to carry a pocketwatch. But really, I felt like I shouldn't be there at all.
When we visited my grandparents, my grandma took me bathing suit shopping and my grandpa bought Brent a power drill. They were as excited about Brent as they were about me. Even the "housewarming gifts" Brent's parents directed at thier son and no one else.
It'd be one thing if his mom was overly helpful(critical), if she tried to tell me how to bake things or how to decorate or anything. That I can handle. But this whole barley existing, and being of little or no value or use thing fucks my shit up.
I miss Nick's mom! She was always getting me to help her pick out paint for her living room and giving me hugs and saying how cool I was! I even miss Eric's mom, who would go from liking me to thinking I threw temper tantrums in resteraunts to liking me again in the blink of an eye, she was always interesting to talk to.
And my friend's moms who would let them go out and do things with me, because I was such a good responsible trustworthy kid! I'm sort of used to be treated as a smart charming aquaintance (or at least a dangerous imp of badness and corruption..hehehe), and instead I'm a conversation killer, someone who intterupts when they're trying to listen to Brent tell them about every little aspect of his wonderful life.
But the thing that got me the most was when his mom asked me if my family had ever come to vist. I had to lie and say that they're really busy, which sounded like they didn't really love me as much as thier own lives.
The truth is my family has not visited me because they are too polite to burnden someone young who lived in a two-bedroom apartment with entertaining REAL guests for days. They also don't want me to have to take time off of work that I could take off to do something "fun." Like the party we were invited to last night when Brent' usually early turn-in mom decided to stay until midnight playing video games in our living room. If anything my family would rather pay for me and Brent to come visit them at the beach in FL or in Minneapolis, where they'd encourage us to go off by ourselves and have a nice time and then come home to hang out in the kitchen and have dinner. And they frequently offer to do so. The truth is, my grandparents were really offeneded that I didnt ask THEM to help me move, but brent's parents had already claimed that slot before I even knew when or where we were living and it'd be seriously weird mixing the two. I could go on a long side-rant about the differences between our families and I could speculate that while my mom and Brent's mom are very alike, they'd totally get in a bitch fight.
I think the main thing is just that my family is and always has been very small, but we have always adopted alot of outsiders. Our extended family is huge and loved just as much and frequently more than blood relatives. My dad literally has an extra mother and father in his inlaws. So all this buisness of me just being an extra wheel feels really wrong no matter how normal it probably is.
I don't know what to do anymore. Part of me thinks I should just not give up. I should keep inserting myself in and participating. Part of me likes the idea of just leaving them to thier golden boy and taking solace in my own family. next time they come visit maybe I'll take time off and go stay with my grandparents or anybody. Some imaginary friend who just had a baby. It would have been nice if I had had to work this week. I should have found reasons to stay home form trips, or be away from them. Baking a pie in the kitchen and straightening it up today was very peaceful.
Part of me feels like it's perfectly logical to be in this position, part of me is pretty resentful. part of me really likes his family and part of me thinks they're boring as all getup. I like Brent alot, but I don't know that I ever really want to be part of his family, if you know what I mean. There are alot of people I'd have a hard time choosing between on a holiday, but they don't make that list. And anything more serious than it is now between us is going to make all that terribly complicated. My family was already really upset that they'd accidentaly split us up for the holidays, but Brent's couldn't spare him for a moment. I fear the version of the future where I have to go be a guest with them and miss out on my family because they're so fucking traditional and in love with B. Hello, I'm in love with B, too, but I know how to share. They had, like, 21 years of him pretty much all to themselves.I will stop typing now. Sorry there.