30 years of false starts
Hi
I've hit 30 years old \@A@/
Here's a snapshot of what my thoughts and belief structure are after maturing into an adult (a.k.a. finally having my sense of self and identity solidify itself into something that I can pour into a LJ post)
The Meaning of Life;
I believe that the meaning of each person's life will only be revealed to themselves the moment they die. You know that famous movie trope where a person's life flashes before their eyes just before they die? That's the meaning of (their) life. The journey is the destination, man.
I came to subscribe to this school of thought when I started believing that there really isn't an answer to the age old question of "what is the meaning of life?", "why did god create us?", "what is my calling? my purpose?" There is no answer.
The only person that can answer and decide that is you, and even if you are brave enough to decide on an answer today, there is a nonzero chance that you will have second thoughts and decide on something else tomorrow - and that's ok! ^o^
As long as you're happy and contented. There is no correct or wrong answer, because there isn't an answer! Just go with your gut. If it feels good, its good.
for me, the current meaning of my life is to Experience the Experience of Experiencing Experiences(tm). I want the next time I sit down to have a great meal with great friends, I'll have a great story to tell them about something great I've done.
I care greatly about not caring about stuff that I'm supposed to care about;
I used to stress over so many things that I shut down and procrastinate (..actually to a certain extent I still do that, for example, I've been trying to post this post since December last year lol). I'm still a super duper lazy person ^^;
That said, I don't let anything bother me anymore. I just wanna be happy and contented, so if something gets in the way of that, I (try my best to get my shit together and) deal with it. If I can't deal with it, I eliminate its existance from my mind forever. With distractions! ^O^
So I've been trying to simplify my life to be surrounded by only things that I can control. Reducing a lot of worldly posessions and responsibilities. Buying digital download games only. Its very zen. I don't want a bonsai tree though, too much work to maintain :S
I don't want to be alone but please leave me alone;
I no longer pine endlessly for a relationship. It used to be my mission in life D: Long story short, have you watched 500 days of summer? Man that movie is depressing. High highs and looow lows.
I was broken by my last failed relationship, and because I had nobody but myself to blame, I shut myself from the world for a good while. There, in my loneliness, I found independance and a strong preference towards self reliance.
Also, I found a few great substitutes for human companionship :P (still, nothing beats a good pat on the head or a nice warm hug, though ;_;)
I want to make babies but I don't want kids;
"When you have a child, you die, and what remains lives for the sake of your child. Until the child starts earning money then it better move out or start paying rent I tell ya"
For the better part of the last 6 months, I've been trying to become some sort of content creator. I've tried posting on livejournal, making youtube videos, facebook videos, all with varying success. But I keep hitting a snag every time after a few posts. I ask myself why am I even doing this? What for?
My first thought is I want people to acknowledge me. But I know now that I cannot make things for people to say "hey, cool!" The most successful things I've made were always things that I myself was proud of or got a kick out of, and that attracts like-minded people to 'like' it, and thats how I.. make.. friends..? "Try to love yourself first, and when you do, people who love you will appear.." lol. pretentious. I hate myself! *wrists*
..then I realize that my original intent is because I'm getting old. My memory isn't what it used to be (actually my memory was never good) and the shortening of my attention span and memory retention thanks to the 'internet age' isn't helping.
I need to keep some kind of record of what I am. It took me about half a year to go through my old posts, and I was so greatful to my past self for posting all of it. Now I can revisit what a cringey, whiny, tryhard, emo kid I was. I was also really witty and funny sometimes, just not often enough :P
*shrugs* maybe its the primal survival instinct in me. Most people have a switch that turns on their biological clock around this age and drives them to a frenzy to make offspring(s) to carry on their genetic information. I think my switch blew its fuse when I broke myself in the last relationship I failed, and the next best outlet is for me to create something creatively to.. leave a mark on this world? *cringe*
I'm not special, and that's great;
In my youth, I tried so hard to be special, to stand out, to find what about me is unique and different from everyone else. My selling point. Hey guys, please like me! Choose me over that someone else thats.. cooler.. than me.. ._.
But now, I'm so happy that I'm not a special snowflake. I'm a normal dude whose tastes are dissapointingly mainstream and most of everything I like is aligned with the majority. Everything I like is so accesible and easy to get! *o* ..or is it that I like stuff that is easy and accessible? *shrugs* chicken and egg. I love egg but not really chicken tho :S
That piece of media that I'm so into that's in another language? Tons of (great) fansubs/scanslations! That game that I love? Everyone tries to make clones of it and as a result I'm never left having to beg the original creators to make more and having to wait 10 years! ^o^ yayy!
I bought a second monitor so I can listen to youtube videos;
I've come to rely on things that provide me escapism from the 'real' world. Games are the best. But I watch youtube the most. Did you know that watching and living vicariously through groups of friends doing fun things works as an acceptable substitute to having friends? (for a short while, like as long as the video lasts)
That, and I love looking at pretty and cute things. (I'm still heavily obsessed over Kpop girl groups, though not limited to SNSD any longer) Do you know the squee >w< feeling you get when you see a cute baby animal? Yeah, that endorphin rush, man *_*
I love my boring dream job;
I have decided that an incredibly boring, monotonous and repetitive office job that has little in the career advancement department is my dream job. I go to work every day for the past 5 years and turn off my brain and perform my job. If I have nothing much to do I'm free to let my mind wander (or check facebook/youtube). When the time is up I go home and never think, let alone worry, about work! (I have dreamt of work/workplace before though D: heh) I love my job! ^O^ And not many people can say that.
I'm working a weird shift. When most people are going home, I'm clocking in. When most people are going to sleep, I'm watching youtube. When most people are waking up for work, I'm going to sleep. As a result, my social life has been utterly decimated, but I weirdly wouldn't have it any other way. I love living in the odd hours, no crowds to get in my way, nobody around to judge me :( The shift allowance is a nice icing on the cake ;D
I do not have much financial burdens (my largest burden is my plot in the sky which hasn't done building v_v and games and consoles ^-^). I have enough money to buy anything I want on a whim, ("disposable income" is a term I like to throw around) though I don't really want for much nowadays, especially since I've traveled to the few countries I wanted to check out :S
This results in the only thing I'm worried about being what will I do when I retire? (or when the company fires my lazy stagnant ass or machines take over my repetitive job) When I run out of money? The job I'm working does not provide a pension like my parents have. How I envy them! But they wisely advised me that I'm making more than they did, and if I saved the difference I effectively have a pension (yeah right as if I have the discipline) :S
Do I save money now for my future self that might not even survive to spend it? Or do I not worry about it and Life Will Find a Way(tm) in 30 years? @_@\ luki luki
I hope my future self won't hate my past self that is my present self;
Due of my lack of subscription towards a religious belief, I'm deathly afraid of what will happen when I die. I know I'll review what my meaning of life was; a huge waste of time and space, but at least I had fun. But what happens after that? Do I get reborn? Do I go to the afterlife? Do I dissappear? Do I pay someone to revive me with dragonballs? Will humanity figure out the secret to immortality by then (and will I be able to pay for it?)
Can I upload my consciousness to a matrix-like, sword art online-type virtual reality where I can effectively live forever playing games and having fun? Or can I download myself into an andriod body that transcends mortal flesh? Will these digital consciousness of myself be.. me? What.. is.. me? Can I transfer my soul digitally? Do I even have a soul? (that is debateable, given how little morals I have left :S)
If I upload or download my consciousness.. is it a 'cut'? or a 'copy'? Wait, 'cut' is effectively 'copy', then 'delete' right?! @_@! That means the digital me will be a copy that believes it is me, but the ...real me, will be KILLED?!! @A@ NOOoowait wait wait... breathe.. v~v
Look at me, I've sorted out (most of) the troubles of my teenage life, and my adult self is worried about.. this?! Hahaha ~o~ The conclusion I come to everytime I reach this point is that, hey, 30 years ago I couldn't imagine that I'll be carrying a computer around in my pocket, with information about everything at my fingertips.. who knows what will happen in the next 30 years?
All I know is that I'm super excited for Nioh that's coming out in a few days.. that will entertain me until the end of the month, when I finally, finally get to dive into the amazingly cool world of Horizon *___* and who knows if I'm lucky enough, my Nintento Switch and Zelda will appear a week later @O@ cant wait!! \*O*/