fic: Empty Smiles {suju, hanwook}
Title: Empty Smiles
Length: One-Shot, 7k+ words
Author: M_K Yujji
Rating: PG-13 for theme
Genre: angst, h/c, friendship
Pairing/Characters: HanWook, ShiChul, Super Junior
Warnings: RPS, The Lawsuit, angst
Disclaimer: Though real people are used as characters, this fic bears no resemblance to Real Life and these people are not owned by me.
Comments/Notes: The world needs more HanWook love. Seriously, though... this was not intended to turn out this way. It was supposed to be a short ficlet and obviously... well.. it's definitely not. Oops?
babo - literally means 'a foolish person'. Depending on how it's said, can be anything from Idiot, Moron, Dumbass to a more affectionate endearment for someone who's behavior you find silly but not necessarily stupid.
Summary: Show a smile to the world, no matter how much your heart may be hurting.
~*~*~
Few things had ever frightened Ryeowook quite as much as Park Jungsu swooping through the doors looking like heaven's own avenging angel, grabbing him by the shoulder and shaking him fiercely. “Why didn't you warn me, dammit?! I just went in there and looked like a complete idiot thanks to you and worse, like a horrible, uncaring bandleader who doesn't even know what's going on in his own home!”
All Ryeowook could do was hang limply, curling as much into himself as he could and whimper in pathetic confusion.
“Hyung! Hyung, stop it.” He sagged in relief as Youngwoon managed to get an arm around their frenzied elder and the shaking stopped. “Look at him, Jungsu. He has no idea what you're talking about.”
Anger faded rapidly leaving only pain and concern. “So you don't know either?”
“Hyung?”
Jungsu clenched his eyes shut and pressed his fingers to his temples. “He didn't tell you. He didn't tell Heechul. He didn't tell anyone.”
There were plenty of people that Ryeowook had in common with Heechul, but only one that he could think of that was connected to the two of them above all others, and fear clenched his heart tightly. “Geng...”
And suddenly he was the one doing the gripping. “Something happened to Geng? What? Tell me!”
The startled look from Youngwoon at his uncharacteristic behavior only vaguely registered. It didn't matter if the others suddenly saw him as something other than their sweet, shy little magnae. If something was wrong with Geng...
Compassion filled Jungsu's face, making Ryeowook's chest feel tighter as he was pulled close again, more gently this time. “He's leaving, Wookie. Management says... He's suing for termination of contract.” Uncomprehending silence was the only answer Ryeowook could muster. His mind was completely blank except for the faint echo of Jungsu's words. Termination of contract. “It's more a principle stand than anything. Even if he loses the court battle, his family will buy out the remainder of his contract. He's gone.”
The world grayed out a bit and it wasn't until much later that he realized that the desperate, broken sounds that echoed through his ears were his own.
~*~*~
All was silent in the Super Junior dorms as the announcement hit the news. The television room was made for space, but the fourteen boys who'd gathered there - putting aside whatever other obligation or need they had for this one night - were pressed tightly together in little packets, huddled like little old men fighting off the pain and disbelief as the world found out what they themselves had known for less than twenty four hours.
Heechul refused to watch the television at all, choosing instead to press his face against Siwon's neck and cling more tightly than he ever had before. Everyone suspected, but only Siwon knew for sure that his face was wet with tears.
Only Ryeowook was sitting by himself, eyes glued to the television with single-minded focus, the stiff way he held himself apart making the others fear he'd lose it entirely if they tried to comfort him.
The announcement itself was no more or less than what they'd already been told. The reporter, of course, speculated endlessly - some of it completely groundless, some of it with kernels of truth wrapped up in pretty lies and dark half-truths.
There was no statement from their band mate and the lack only fueled even more speculation.
Youngwoon flipped the power off before any more of the poison could leech from the woman's mouth to their ears. “Well.” He swallowed tightly before patting Jungsu's head where it had fallen against his shoulder. “I guess that's that.”
It was official.
One of their own was leaving, through choice rather than force, and there was nothing they could do about it. No argument they could muster, no bribe they could use, no action they could manipulate their fans into.
Hankyung wanted to go badly enough to do the legwork entirely in secret and risk alienating everyone who had ever called him friend or brother or - and more than one pair of eyes had rested on Ryeowook's eerily still form more than the television even before it had been cut off - lover, rather than give them a chance to talk him out of it.
Nothing was going to change the outcome.
Ryeowook stood abruptly and left the room, his face devoid of expression, every movement of his body precise as if it was only achieved with the utmost concentration and care.
The silence that followed was broken by the sharp sounds of glass shattering, over and over.
Jongwoon sighed and pushed himself to his feet. “I'd better go get my turtle.”
~*~*~
A week passed after the announcement.
All proof of Hankyung's very existence had been completely eradicated from the dorm that housed half of Super Junior. Only Heechul's intervention had saved it in the second.
He'd stood in the doorway and refused Ryeowook's admittance until exhaustion - emotional more than physical - had finally left Ryeowook in a heap beside the hallway.
Kangin had carried him back to his room and left him in Jongwoon's care with strict orders to keep an eye on him this time, will you? Stop letting him break things. Since his own things had been hit the hardest in the initial grieving rage, Yesung didn't have much sympathy for the rest of the band, but he knew his friend would regret it once he'd moved out of his destructive phase.
When he'd woken up, warm in his bed with Jongwoon offering his turtle up for comfort, Ryeowook had softly apologized. First to Jongwoon, then to everyone else, each in their turn, right down to Heechul last.
As bad as the rage had been, the broken-hearted apologies were worse. It wasn't like everyone didn't understand, after all.
But the worst of all came exactly one week after the announcement.
Hankyung finally called.
Heechul.
They were just coming back from dance practice when the familiar ring tone echoed through the changing room. Everyone watched Heechul as he stared at the small cell phone as if it were a snake about to strike. When he finally answered it, his voice was soft and about as un-Heechul-like as they'd ever heard.
It was a short conversation, but painful to hear.
Throughout it, Heechul stared at Ryeowook and Ryeowook stared back.
As Heechul flipped the phone shut, he let out a shuddering breath. “He says... He apologizes for disrupting the band, but he hopes... that we understand why.”
That had never been in question. Of course they understood the protest of unfair treatment. They'd all experienced the double edged sword of their contracts themselves and knew that Hankyung's had been even worse.
Understanding didn't make it hurt less to know that their friend was gone, unlikely to ever return.
Understanding didn't make them feel any less helpless as they watched another friend shatter.
~*~*~
As days passed, as infrequent calls came to Heechul and then occasionally to Siwon, Ryeowook took to keeping his phone with him at all times.
Everyone noticed, but no one said anything as he checked for missed calls or texts, then rechecked, over and over just in case. No one had the heart.
Only Jongwoon - and Heechul, though his knowledge was second hand,worse because of who told him and held quietly for once in an effort not to make the situation even more painful for anyone - knew that every morning as soon as he woke up, Ryeowook made the attempt to initiate contact, that he wasn't just sitting back hoping that his lover would suddenly remember his existence and call him.
Eventually, Ryeowook stopped trying. His phone went into a drawer by his bedside as if he couldn't bear to acknowledge its existence any longer.
On stage he was more outgoing than ever, throwing himself into performances like a madman with a slightly hysterical tilt to his smile and a vaguely glazed look to his eyes.
Off stage, away from the prying eyes of strangers, he was more introverted than he had even been in the beginning when he'd been dumped into the middle of them all and told to fill in the empty spot left by someone else. He only spoke when someone else spoke to him first, and even then, sometimes his answers were non-verbal shrugs of his shoulders, shakes of his head.
It was as if, in the absence of communication from Hankyung, he suddenly lost the ability to communicate himself.
He drifted away from them, a silent observer with no hope or desire to be more.
~*~*~
“You're an idiot. I know you think you're doing the right thing, but really. Stop thinking. You suck at it.”
A sigh, strained and sad. “Heechul-”
“No. Seriously. Stop being a fucking coward. You're not the one that has to see what this is doing to him. Fix it.”
The silent 'or else' hung between them for a moment before the line was disconnected.
~*~*~
Somehow, Geng was pretty sure it violated some kind of rule for him to secretly sneak out and go to the concert in Taipei. He knew he'd be in trouble if anyone found out that he was lurking outside the hotel where his band mates - former band mates - were staying.
At best, his family's lawyer would scold him severely.
At worse, SM would raise all kinds of hell about it.
But those things only briefly flitted across his mind as he ducked behind a corner and did his best to make himself one with the wall.
He'd needed to see for himself how bad things really were. It wasn't that he didn't trust Heechul's judgment, but... The man did have a tendency to exaggerate.
The vans had trouble getting through the masses of fangirls, but they'd likely gotten drivers well experienced with this sort of thing.
Between the crush of fans and the tangle of boys, it was hard to pick out Ryeowook's tiny form and even harder to get any kind of real idea of how he was once Geng did find him. He wore aviator glasses that managed to cover half of his face and a beanie pulled low over his forehead. He was flanked by Shindong and Jongwoon, nearly hidden neatly between them, his mouth drawn slightly.
Geng bit his lip and considered his options as the surge of humanity began trying to stuff itself into the lobby of the hotel.
That one look had not been enough to reassure him that Heechul was exaggerating, that Ryeowook was fine. Anything else would mean getting close enough to be spotted, though, by fans who were already half frenzied.
If Ryeowook was even half as bad off as Heechul said....
He'd thought it was better this way, to cut off contact entirely. He'd thought it was the best way to give Ryeowook a chance to move on.
He hadn't expected the things Heechul had told him. And if a little voice had whispered in the back of his mind that of course Ryeowook would take it badly, he hadn't expected it to last so long. It had been months since he'd even spoken to his lover - former lover - and even longer since he'd seen him. Plenty of time for Jongwoon or Henry to soothe away any lingering pain and step into his place like Geng knew they'd been both been wanting to for years.
Plenty of time for Ryewook to forget about him.
Like you've forgotten about him?
Geng made a face, hating the fact that the annoying voice of his conscience somehow managed to sound like both Siwon and Heechul all at once.
He was dressed down in simple t-shirt and jeans, a backwards ball cap. He'd avoided the telltale I'm hiding from you signs of shades and beanies or low brimmed hats. He was pretty sure that he was about as normal and blend-able as he was ever going to get. It wouldn't help if a fan actually took a second glance at him, though.
Something that slinking along the corners of the crowd was bound to cause.
A story Heechul had told him once, something about walking straight through a crowd of fangirls who were too busy ogling Jung Yunho to pay him any attention, surfaced in his mind.
The complete unexpectedness of his presence could work in his favor. As far as the fans knew, he was well away from here.
He hesitated for another moment before squaring his shoulders and plowing right through the center of the crowd. Most of the girls never saw anything more than the back of his head as he passed them by. To them, he was just a random hotel guest trying to get to his room.
For once, luck was entirely on his side. He managed to get all the way through and past the girls crowded around the elevators. He only heard ”Was that- Nah, couldn't have been” twice.
He ducked into the stairwell and paused again. He had no idea where to go from there. The common practice was to split the band up and dot their rooms throughout the hotel. It made them harder to stalk if they weren't blocked together en mass. Which meant that Ryeowook could literally be anywhere in the hotel.
A familiar ring tone went off in his pocket and he couldn't help but perk up a little even though Heechul wasn't really someone he wanted to deal with just then. Heechul would know where Ryeowook was.
“Was that you I saw skulking about like some kind of crazed axe murderer across the street?”
Geng dropped his head and sighed. Of course Heechul had seen him. For all that the older man acted like his mind revolved around all Heechul, all the time, he really was quite observant.
And he'd never been very good at hiding. “I wasn't skulking.” Except he totally had been. He couldn't just agree with Heechul, though.
“Riiiight. And I'm converting to Christianity.” Siwon's voice vaguely reached him, scolding Heechul for mocking such important things and Is that gege? “I'll mock whatever I want. Of course it's Kyungie. What other skulking axe murderer do we know?”
“Heechul,” Geng whined, pouting slightly. “I'm not an axe murderer.”
“You might as well be, going around pulling the heads off of kittens and bunnies.” The mutter stung, but Heechul had never been one to mince words or hide his displeasure from others. “Get your ass into the hotel so-”
“I'm already there. In the stairwell.”
Heechul made a sound of approval. “Skulking in the stairwell instead of on the sidewalk? Figures. He's on the fifth floor. Room 509. Give me ten minutes to get Jungsu out of the way and swipe his key. I'll leave it under the flowerpot by the elevator.”
“Thanks.”
Somehow he'd expected Henry to be rooming with Ryeowook, but Jungsu was better. He'd be easier to distract, for one. He had a decided lack of interest in Ryeowook beyond the manner of an older sibling, for another.
He resolutely ignored the Heechul voice in his head singsonging madly about jealousy and stupidity as he jogged up the stairs to the fifth floor.
Ten minutes felt like an eternity when it was spent just out of reach of the man he'd spent the last few months trying - and largely failing - to put behind him.
When the allotted time finally slipped by, Geng let himself into the hallway, eyes scanning the doors looking for the right one. He was on the wrong end of the hall, though.
Hushed voices erupted out of one of the rooms and he shrank back instinctively, but ineffectively. It wasn't like there was really anywhere to hide.
“I really think one of us should stay with …. him.” Jungsu gaped at him for a moment, voice trailing off as he recognized Geng utterly failing at trying to be casual.
“Hi.”
Conflicting emotions of fury and concern, betrayal and affection flashed across his band leader's - former band leader's - face.
“As you can see, he'll hardly be alone.” Behind him, Heechul sighed and rolled his eyes. He shrugged at Geng's questioning look. “I underestimated our fearless leader's protective streak.”
There was a moment of awkward silence after that comment. It had been said so naturally, so instinctively that it was jarring to remember that no, Jungsu wasn't leader to all of them anymore.
Regret was a bitter emotion to taste, but Geng knew that he'd done what he'd had to. He simply couldn't have continued living as he had - it had been killing him with ever increasing speed as each year went by.
It was Siwon that actually got things moving again, stepping forward and tugging at Jungsu with a gentle hand. “Hyung... Let's let Geng-ge try, okay?”
Geng got the feeling that he was seeing part of an earlier, possibly long running discussion. Jungsu hesitated for a moment longer before sighing and holding up a keycard.
“This is against my better judgment,” he muttered, handing it over. His heavy gaze said what Heechul's silences had been. Fix this or else no force on earth will protect you from me. “But desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess.”
The knot that settled in Geng's stomach made him glad he hadn't eaten anything since breakfast. Heechul might exagerate and Siwon might occasionally overstate or misread a situation and Jungsu definitely worried too much, but seeing them now, he saw none of the usual signs that gave them away. They were all perfectly serious and their worry had a quiet, frantic air that settled on his shoulders like a leaden cloak of dread.
The room was dark when he let himself in, except for the light of the streetlamps coming in through the window.
It took a minute for his eyes to adjust to the transition from the brightly lit hallway. He let the door close behind him and pressed his back against it for a moment, hoping he'd made the right decision to come but doubting it just the same.
How could either of them move on if they didn't make a clean break?
The sight before him made his heart stutter painfully and every reason that had been so convincing before when he'd decided that this was for the best for both of them slipped away like smoke.
Curled up in a chair that had been pulled flush to the window, Ryeowook looked like his sweater was trying to swallow him whole as he stared blankly out the window. He'd always been thin. There'd been times over the years when Geng had been deathly afraid that he was going to break the smaller man if he held him too tightly. He'd never been this thin, though, almost painfully so.
More than the obvious weight loss, though, it was Ryeowook's expression that clenched at Geng's heart. The absolute vacancy that he'd been trying to convince himself Heechul was making up to guilt him was worse even than he'd imagined. There was no life there, no spark, just... existence. And barely even that.
He imagined having watched the gradual decline as Ryeowook's hope had faded, as he'd become quieter and more distant. It had been painful enough being an entire country away, hearing the phone sing out Insomnia less and less until it stopped playing all together. To have seen the vibrant, beautiful man become this first hand....
He was honestly surprised that Heechul, or any of his band mates - former band mates - for that matter, hadn't flipped a reckless fuck you to SM Entertainment and Han Geng, caught a plane to China and dragged him back by any means necessary.
This hadn't been what he'd wanted or even what he'd expected.
Part of him wanted to storm through the hotel, to find Jongwoon and Henry and demand to know why they'd let this happen.
Ryeowook was supposed to hate him. He was supposed to have moved on and been happy with someone else. He was not supposed to be wasting away from grief over Geng.
“I'm not worth this,” he muttered, hesitating only a moment before his feet seemed to move of their own accord. He dropped down to his knees beside the chair. “Ryeowook?”
If Ryeowook heard him at all, he gave no indication of it. Geng reached out, his dark hand resting on the smaller, pale hand that lay loosely against Ryeowook's hip. “Wookie?”
There was a tiny movement as Ryeowook took a deep breath and exhaled visibly before turning his head slightly to look at Geng with vague, uninterested eyes.
“Ah, babo... why are you doing this to yourself?” Geng's voice wavered at the end and he had to take a deep breath of his own. No one person should ever be this dependent on another for their happiness, he thought as he shifted and resettled so that he could lay his head on the chair against Ryeowook's leg.
He'd missed Ryeowook like a limb and certainly he hadn't been happy, but he'd pushed on, resolute and sure of his decisions. It would have been a long time before he'd have been okay, but he knew somehow, that he would never have just... stopped.
Did that say more about a difference in the depths of their affections or in their personalities?
He wasn't sure how long he lay there thinking about it before Ryeowook shifted and a hand settled in his hair. “Geng?”
Geng's eyes slipped closed at the soft, husky sound. He only ever talks in front of the camera anymore, jackass, Heechul's voice whispered in his memory.
After a lingering moment, he sat up. Ryeowook's hand slid through his hair as he moved and settled on his shoulder, twitching and tightening there as if expecting Geng to simply vanish now that he'd been acknowledged.
There was resignation and doubt in Ryeowook's eyes that just added to the ache in Geng's heart. Those eyes said that he believed that this was just another dream to add to his torment and that Geng would be gone when he woke up. They spoke of long sleepless nights and a depth of depressed pain that Geng simply couldn't understand.
He worried his lip then sighed. There wasn't much chance that Ryeowook was going to be receptive to any kind of serious conversation. He was too out of it, too tired both emotionally and physically.
He thumbed open his phone and sent a quick text. He needs sleep so we'll talk in the morning. Let Jungsu-hyung stay with you tonight. And make his excuses tomorrow. Then he turned the phone off entirely.
If his hyungs were going to meddle, they could damn well help out and accept the consequences.
As he lifted the small form, the weight loss was even more evident. He wondered if the others hadn't noticed how close their friend was to wasting away entirely or if they had, but just hadn't been able to do anything about it.
Considering the quiet conversation in the hallway, Geng figured it was probably the latter.
Ryeowook settled against him with a soft sigh.
When Geng tried to lay him on the bed, Ryeowook's hands clenched in his t-shirt and a soft whimpering sound escaped. “I'm not going anywhere, babo.”
By the time he managed to convince the other to let go enough that they could both get settled under the covers, Geng was exhausted himself.
But having Ryeowook curled into him, limbs tangled together, hearts beating together with steady reassurance....
It was like all the pieces that had been missing for the last few months had finally slotted back together and he was whole again.
~*~*~
Geng rolled his eyes and pulled his lover into a hug. “You know there's no reason to be jealous.”
“I'm not,” Ryeowook said, scowling, but allowing himself to be drawn closer. “But you shouldn't let Siwon-hyung hang all over you so much!”
“He hangs on you, too,” Geng pointed out, striving to maintain a calm tone. Experience dictated that if he grew audibly annoyed, then Ryeowook would go from mildly peeved to frothing at the mouth pissed in a heartbeat. He didn't much feel like sleeping on the couch. Especially since Siwon or someone else would poke their nose into things and Ryeowook's jealousy would continue to ratchet upwards. “Why would you have to worry about it more than me?”
He'd spent an entire week on the couch, once, before their band mates had finally figured out that their attempts to make things better were only making it worse.
Ryeowook scoffed, but he was already relaxing. “Everyone knows I love you more than you love me.”
“Hey!” Geng couldn't help but feel a little wounded by that. He'd overheard Henry saying something similar before, and it annoyed him a little that everyone automatically assumed that he didn't love Ryeowook deeply. “I love you.”
With a sigh, Ryeowook wrapped his arms around Geng's waist and let his head rest against Geng's shoulder. “I know. It's just... You're the first thought in my head in the morning when I wake up and the one that follows me into sleep. You're always right there, before anyone or anything else.” Ryeowook's voice was soft and hesitant. “It scares me sometimes, how much I love you... How much I need you.”
Geng bit his lip before hugging Ryeowook tightly. “That doesn't sound very healthy, babo...”
Then he yelped when clever fingers pinched the skin of his waist before sliding down under the waistband of his pants. “I'm only a babo for you.”
~*~*~
Geng woke slowly, not wanting to let the dream of happier times go. Waking up meant facing reality.
Waking up meant facing Ryeowook.
He lay there, eyes closed, for a long moment. The familiar warmth and comfort of Ryeowook's body pressed close made him sigh softly in contentment. He wanted to linger there for as long as he could, but already he could feel the weight of the other's stare and he made a face.
“Do I have something stuck on my face?” he rasped out, trying for a humor that he didn't feel.
“No.” Ryeowook's voice was still soft and diffident, but at least it sounded more aware than it had the night before.
When there was no more response than that, Geng finally managed to force his eyelids open and blinked sleepily at the face that was far closer to his own that he'd thought.
Ryeowook had settled his arms on Geng's chest and his chin was resting there. He wondered how long the other had been positioned like that, watching him sleep with rapt attention.
A yawn escaped and Geng stretched long limbs, wincing slightly at a few cracking sounds in his spine. He'd gotten out of the habit of having another person in bed with him over the last few months. He liked it, but his body would have to relearn the adjustments needed for sharing a bed.
As he setteld back down, he sighed.
If there was going to be any future bed sharing.
Geng eased Ryeowook off to one side and rolled out of bed, heading for the bathroom. This wasn't a conversation he wanted to deal with until he'd emptied his bladder. A little water splashed on his face and he frowned, staring at his reflection for a long minute. He looked more rested than he had in months, but there was still an uncertainty and tension underlying that.
When he finally let himself back out into the bedroom, Ryeowook was once against perched in the chair from the night before except that this time he'd turned it around and was staring at the floor in front of the bathroom door.
He didn't look up as Geng approached him, but he didn't turn his face away when Geng dropped down in front of him, either.
Geng decided to take that as a positive sign. Wariness he could deal with.
“Ryeowook....” Biting his lip, Geng searched for the words to make everything okay again, but he knew the chances of that ever happening were miniscule. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't change the course their lives were on now or the fact that those courses were set in completely different directions. And even this, even knowing what it had done to Ryeowook... Geng couldn't have stayed silent any longer. He'd made the only decision he could have made.
“I'm not sorry about the litigation. I can't be. There wasn't... I couldn't live like that anymore.” He reached out and let his hand rest on Ryeowook's. “But... I am sorry that it hurt you like this.”
The expression on Ryeowook's face twisted slightly before smoothing back out after he took a deep breath. “You think that I'm upset about the lawsuit?”
“I'm not-” He didn't manage to get anything out though as Ryeowook stood, fists clenched and body nearly shaking with what Geng suspected was barely suppressed rage.
“I remember the sprains and illnesses that you worked through,” Ryeowook ground out. “I remember the pain and the exhaustion and the homesickness and the insanity. I was there.”
Geng sincerely hoped that the walls were thicker than he imagined or that their band mates - former band mates - were in the rooms on either side because Ryeowook's voice got louder with each word until he was practically shouting the last bit. Wincing, he stood up but still shrank back slightly from the smaller man's anger.
“I was always there for you! Even before you ever even noticed my existence, with honeyed tea or warm soup or hugs or anything you needed.” It was hardly the first time that Geng had ever found himself on the wrong end of Ryeowook's temper. For all that he was usually a calm, loving person, the younger man possessed a jealous streak a mile wide and he wasn't afraid to vent about it if he felt Geng wasn't respecting the exclusivity of certain rights of Ryeowook's over anyone else.
He'd never seen Ryeowook quite this pissed before.
“I always noticed you,” he murmured, knowing it was true. From the moment the small, painfully shy man had joined their number, he'd always noticed Ryeowook.
His comment passed unacknowledged, though, as Ryeowook steamed on ahead. “I'm glad you finally got a backbone and did something about your stupid contract! Everyone took advantage of you and now you're getting your own back. Good for you. Fuck SM Entertainment. I hope your lawyer makes them all cry! And I've always known that you were more important to me than I was to you. I know that, but I thought I at least rated a So long, friend. but no. Not only do you not even bother to tell me that you're thinking about suing, you do it and I find out from Jungsu-hyung trying to rattle my brains out because he mistakenly thought that as your boyfriend I might have any idea what sort of things you get up to and then, on top of that you don't even have the decency to dump me properly! No. You just fucking ignore me until I finally go away and stop bothering you!”
At the end of the rant, as the anger drained away and left only pain and suffering, Ryeowook was breathing hard, his eyes clenched shut and Geng thought he was probably dangerously close to crying.
He'd never been able to stand seeing Ryeowook cry.
He pulled Ryeowook close and hugged him tightly. “Ryeowook... babo... please don't cry.”
It was too late, though. He could feel the tears against his neck.
“Don't... don't call me babo. You don't have that right anymore.”
Geng sighed and had to close his own eyes against the threat of tears. The body against his was still rigid and unforgiving, all sharp angles and anger instead of the softness and love he was used to. “It wasn't like that. I thought it was for the best.”
“How could it be-” He tightened his arms as Ryeowook stiffened and tried to wriggle away. The struggle only lasted for a moment before the smaller man sank back against him, resigned. “I don't understand.”
Honestly, looking back, Geng wasn't sure he did either. It had made so much sense to him at the time, but now...
Ryeowook deserved an explanation, though, however half-assed it sounded now, even to Geng's own mind.
He sighed. “Our futures are in different directions now. Long distance relationships never work. I just... I thought it would be easier to cut off entirely instead of watching our love die slowly. That it would hurt less.”
There was a moment of complete stillness before Ryeowook pushed at Geng's chest, trying for space again. This time, Geng relaxed his hold.
They stared at each other, then Ryewook shook his head with an expression of mixed disbelief and annoyance. “Heechul-hyung is right. You really do suck at thinking.”
Geng pouted. “It made sense at the time!”
Bony fingers poked him hard and he yelped and wiggled away himself before settling back down. He wilted slightly under Ryeowook's look which very clearly said you're an idiot, why do I love you again?.
“First of all, there are two of us in this relationship.” It warmed him to hear Ryeowook use the present tense. “You don't get to make all the decisions unilaterally. There are certain rather significant events in any couple's life that require communication and mutual agreement. This?” He wiggled his finger between them, pointing back and forth from Geng's chest to his own. “This is one of them.”
It was a little like being scolded by his mother. Geng felt properly chastised in the way that only Ryeowook and his mom ever managed. “I'm sorry.”
Ryeowook crossed his arms and sighed. “I forgive you for being an idiot.”
He wanted to argue with the insult, but it was kind of hard to, all things considered.
Geng hesitated for a moment, happy enough that things were moving in the right direction, but needing to have his own say about something else before they moved on. He reached out and took Ryeowook's wrist, holding it up between them. “Babo...”
Frowning, Ryeowook poked him again with his free hand. “I told you not to call me that.”
“Ryeowook,” Geng corrected, rolling his eyes. As if he was going to stop using the nickname after years of growing attached to it. But for now he would have to choose his battles carefully and this one was too important to risk. “This isn't healthy.”
Dark eyes cut away suddenly, looking at anything but Geng. “It wasn't on purpose.”
Geng cupped Ryeowook's chin and forced him to meet his eyes again. “I didn't say it was. That doesn't change the facts.”
Ryeowook made a face before sighing. “I just... wasn't hungry.”
“And the not sleeping?”
“My bed was too cold.”
“And the not speaking?”
“There wasn't anything to say.”
“Wook... You can't do this to yourself. Hurting yourself... It hurt everyone else to watch you do it.” He didn't say that it had hurt him because he hadn't been there to see it and he'd done his level best not to let himself believe what Heechul had been telling him.
“I didn't mean to.”
“I know, ba-” he cut himself off, making a face. “Wook. But it can't happen again. Promise me.”
“...” There was silence for a moment as Ryeowook frowned at him, suspicious. “Why? Are we going to be doing this again?”
Another pause and then Geng held out his pinky finger. “A promise for a promise. You promise never to hurt yourself like this again, and I'll promise that I won't make decisions for both of us anymore. Deal?”
For a minute, he wasn't sure Ryeowook was going to agree. But eventually a smaller pinky hooked around his own.
Ryeowook sighed and Geng didn't hesitate to pull him close again, pleased when the other relaxed against him completely.
They stayed like that, locked around each other, enjoying the simple fact that they were together.
The first knock at the door was kind of quiet, but when they ignored it, whoever was there grew impatient and began pounding. “Hey! I know you're awake, Donghae heard screaming. Is anyone dead in there?”
That was followed by other muffled voices that made Geng groan.
“...” Ryeowook made a noise of aggravation before pulling away and making a beeline for the door. He jerked it open so quick and hard that Siwon, Donghae, and Zhou Mi almost fell inside the room. “Don't you three.... or... dozen... have anything better to do?”
When Ryeowook stumbled and corrected himself, Geng moved closer so that he could see that rather than just three members, the entire band - or at least, the ones that were actually in Taipei - was assembled in the hallway. He moved up behind Ryeowook, sliding his arms around the smaller man's waist and hooking his chin over one shoulder. “Hi.”
Ryeowook relaxed back into his embrace and for a moment, it felt as if they'd never even been apart.
“HI!” Donghae almost pounced, but a grinning Zhou Mi and a long-suffering Henry each grabbed an arm and hauled him backwards.
“We're actually quite busy,” Heechul said from where he'd leaned against the wall across from their door, looking smug and satisfied. Beside him, Jungsu looked tired and cranky, but still pleased with the scene. “We'll be out all day. Since you're here and all, Kyungie, you might as well stay and take care of Wookie.”
If anyone had ever managed to make such innocent words sound as dirty as Heechul had, then Geng figured they must be in the porn industry.
He rolled his eyes and reached out for the door. “I'll do that. And you guys just go away.”
Then he shut it right in their faces. They could both hear the commotion and chaos that reined on the other side of the door.
There was a snort of amusement from Ryeowook, then a sigh. “I'm still tired.”
Geng pressed a kiss to Ryeowook's hair. “Then we'll sleep some more.”
“We still have things to talk about.”
“True. ” He turned Ryeowook around and cupped his cheek. “Ryeowook, I'm sorry. I want to make this work.” He bit his lip as he tangled their fingers together and considered his next words carefully. “I love you and no matter if I thought it was the right thing or not, these last few months have just... really, really sucked.”
A look of unease and uncertainty settled on Ryeowook's face. “Does it make me a bad person to feel better because of that?”
Geng very carefully didn't smile - not with his mouth, anyways. He couldn't be held responsible for any twinkle of amusement that may or may not have been in his eyes. “I think it just makes you human.”
All amusement aside, Geng dipped his head to press a soft kiss against Ryeowook's lips. “You still love me, right? And you want to make this work too?”
“Obviously.”
Had Ryeowook always been so droll and it was only time away that had made Geng notice it?
He pushed the thought aside and kissed his lover again, slowly, carefully walking them towards the bed again. “Then we can figure out the rest later.”
The wariness and distinct lack of trust in Ryeowook's eyes hurt, but Geng couldn't really blame him for it. It would be a long time before Ryeowook ever trusted him with the same blind faith and devotion that he'd had before - random jealousies aside - if he ever really did.
As they settled back in the bed, Ryeowook's painfully thin form half on top of him, Geng wondered if that was really such a bad thing, if blind faith and devotion did this to him.
“Geng?”
The soft voice interrupted his musings and he tilted his head in Ryeowook's direction. “Hm?”
The silence that followed lasted long enough that he'd just about decided that his lover must have fallen asleep. Then Ryeowook shifted and pressed a kiss against his shoulder. “I missed you.”
Geng rolled over so that he was on his side, Ryeowook pulled close against his chest. “I missed you, too.”
Ryeowook stared at him for a long moment before reaching up to poke his cheek, a grin lurking along the edges of his lips that did nothing to detract from the seriousness in his eyes. “If you break your promise, I'll sic Ttangkkoma and Heebum on you. China's not big enough to hide you from us.”
It felt good to laugh again.
It felt even better to hear Ryeowook's sweet laugh mix with his own.
He wiped his eyes and grinned, bumping Ryeowook's nose with his own before kissing him. “Understood, babo.”
“I'm only a babo for you,” Ryeowook said, sighing softly and letting his eyes slipped closed.
Geng made a soft noise of agreement, tracing the sharply defined edge of one cheekbone with his thumb.
The logistics of making a long distance relationship work were going to be difficult enough even without the added complications of the lawsuit or the fans. He had no illusions about the rocky road that lay ahead of them.
But he thought that between them, they had enough stubbornness and determination to make it work. And if not... Well, they had thirteen obnoxiously nosy friends who were perfectly willing to remind them when they were being stupid.
It was a comforting thought as he slipped into sleep, warm and content to be exactly where he was.
~*~*~
fin
Length: One-Shot, 7k+ words
Author: M_K Yujji
Rating: PG-13 for theme
Genre: angst, h/c, friendship
Pairing/Characters: HanWook, ShiChul, Super Junior
Warnings: RPS, The Lawsuit, angst
Disclaimer: Though real people are used as characters, this fic bears no resemblance to Real Life and these people are not owned by me.
Comments/Notes: The world needs more HanWook love. Seriously, though... this was not intended to turn out this way. It was supposed to be a short ficlet and obviously... well.. it's definitely not. Oops?
babo - literally means 'a foolish person'. Depending on how it's said, can be anything from Idiot, Moron, Dumbass to a more affectionate endearment for someone who's behavior you find silly but not necessarily stupid.
Summary: Show a smile to the world, no matter how much your heart may be hurting.
~*~*~
Few things had ever frightened Ryeowook quite as much as Park Jungsu swooping through the doors looking like heaven's own avenging angel, grabbing him by the shoulder and shaking him fiercely. “Why didn't you warn me, dammit?! I just went in there and looked like a complete idiot thanks to you and worse, like a horrible, uncaring bandleader who doesn't even know what's going on in his own home!”
All Ryeowook could do was hang limply, curling as much into himself as he could and whimper in pathetic confusion.
“Hyung! Hyung, stop it.” He sagged in relief as Youngwoon managed to get an arm around their frenzied elder and the shaking stopped. “Look at him, Jungsu. He has no idea what you're talking about.”
Anger faded rapidly leaving only pain and concern. “So you don't know either?”
“Hyung?”
Jungsu clenched his eyes shut and pressed his fingers to his temples. “He didn't tell you. He didn't tell Heechul. He didn't tell anyone.”
There were plenty of people that Ryeowook had in common with Heechul, but only one that he could think of that was connected to the two of them above all others, and fear clenched his heart tightly. “Geng...”
And suddenly he was the one doing the gripping. “Something happened to Geng? What? Tell me!”
The startled look from Youngwoon at his uncharacteristic behavior only vaguely registered. It didn't matter if the others suddenly saw him as something other than their sweet, shy little magnae. If something was wrong with Geng...
Compassion filled Jungsu's face, making Ryeowook's chest feel tighter as he was pulled close again, more gently this time. “He's leaving, Wookie. Management says... He's suing for termination of contract.” Uncomprehending silence was the only answer Ryeowook could muster. His mind was completely blank except for the faint echo of Jungsu's words. Termination of contract. “It's more a principle stand than anything. Even if he loses the court battle, his family will buy out the remainder of his contract. He's gone.”
The world grayed out a bit and it wasn't until much later that he realized that the desperate, broken sounds that echoed through his ears were his own.
~*~*~
All was silent in the Super Junior dorms as the announcement hit the news. The television room was made for space, but the fourteen boys who'd gathered there - putting aside whatever other obligation or need they had for this one night - were pressed tightly together in little packets, huddled like little old men fighting off the pain and disbelief as the world found out what they themselves had known for less than twenty four hours.
Heechul refused to watch the television at all, choosing instead to press his face against Siwon's neck and cling more tightly than he ever had before. Everyone suspected, but only Siwon knew for sure that his face was wet with tears.
Only Ryeowook was sitting by himself, eyes glued to the television with single-minded focus, the stiff way he held himself apart making the others fear he'd lose it entirely if they tried to comfort him.
The announcement itself was no more or less than what they'd already been told. The reporter, of course, speculated endlessly - some of it completely groundless, some of it with kernels of truth wrapped up in pretty lies and dark half-truths.
There was no statement from their band mate and the lack only fueled even more speculation.
Youngwoon flipped the power off before any more of the poison could leech from the woman's mouth to their ears. “Well.” He swallowed tightly before patting Jungsu's head where it had fallen against his shoulder. “I guess that's that.”
It was official.
One of their own was leaving, through choice rather than force, and there was nothing they could do about it. No argument they could muster, no bribe they could use, no action they could manipulate their fans into.
Hankyung wanted to go badly enough to do the legwork entirely in secret and risk alienating everyone who had ever called him friend or brother or - and more than one pair of eyes had rested on Ryeowook's eerily still form more than the television even before it had been cut off - lover, rather than give them a chance to talk him out of it.
Nothing was going to change the outcome.
Ryeowook stood abruptly and left the room, his face devoid of expression, every movement of his body precise as if it was only achieved with the utmost concentration and care.
The silence that followed was broken by the sharp sounds of glass shattering, over and over.
Jongwoon sighed and pushed himself to his feet. “I'd better go get my turtle.”
~*~*~
A week passed after the announcement.
All proof of Hankyung's very existence had been completely eradicated from the dorm that housed half of Super Junior. Only Heechul's intervention had saved it in the second.
He'd stood in the doorway and refused Ryeowook's admittance until exhaustion - emotional more than physical - had finally left Ryeowook in a heap beside the hallway.
Kangin had carried him back to his room and left him in Jongwoon's care with strict orders to keep an eye on him this time, will you? Stop letting him break things. Since his own things had been hit the hardest in the initial grieving rage, Yesung didn't have much sympathy for the rest of the band, but he knew his friend would regret it once he'd moved out of his destructive phase.
When he'd woken up, warm in his bed with Jongwoon offering his turtle up for comfort, Ryeowook had softly apologized. First to Jongwoon, then to everyone else, each in their turn, right down to Heechul last.
As bad as the rage had been, the broken-hearted apologies were worse. It wasn't like everyone didn't understand, after all.
But the worst of all came exactly one week after the announcement.
Hankyung finally called.
Heechul.
They were just coming back from dance practice when the familiar ring tone echoed through the changing room. Everyone watched Heechul as he stared at the small cell phone as if it were a snake about to strike. When he finally answered it, his voice was soft and about as un-Heechul-like as they'd ever heard.
It was a short conversation, but painful to hear.
Throughout it, Heechul stared at Ryeowook and Ryeowook stared back.
As Heechul flipped the phone shut, he let out a shuddering breath. “He says... He apologizes for disrupting the band, but he hopes... that we understand why.”
That had never been in question. Of course they understood the protest of unfair treatment. They'd all experienced the double edged sword of their contracts themselves and knew that Hankyung's had been even worse.
Understanding didn't make it hurt less to know that their friend was gone, unlikely to ever return.
Understanding didn't make them feel any less helpless as they watched another friend shatter.
~*~*~
As days passed, as infrequent calls came to Heechul and then occasionally to Siwon, Ryeowook took to keeping his phone with him at all times.
Everyone noticed, but no one said anything as he checked for missed calls or texts, then rechecked, over and over just in case. No one had the heart.
Only Jongwoon - and Heechul, though his knowledge was second hand,worse because of who told him and held quietly for once in an effort not to make the situation even more painful for anyone - knew that every morning as soon as he woke up, Ryeowook made the attempt to initiate contact, that he wasn't just sitting back hoping that his lover would suddenly remember his existence and call him.
Eventually, Ryeowook stopped trying. His phone went into a drawer by his bedside as if he couldn't bear to acknowledge its existence any longer.
On stage he was more outgoing than ever, throwing himself into performances like a madman with a slightly hysterical tilt to his smile and a vaguely glazed look to his eyes.
Off stage, away from the prying eyes of strangers, he was more introverted than he had even been in the beginning when he'd been dumped into the middle of them all and told to fill in the empty spot left by someone else. He only spoke when someone else spoke to him first, and even then, sometimes his answers were non-verbal shrugs of his shoulders, shakes of his head.
It was as if, in the absence of communication from Hankyung, he suddenly lost the ability to communicate himself.
He drifted away from them, a silent observer with no hope or desire to be more.
~*~*~
“You're an idiot. I know you think you're doing the right thing, but really. Stop thinking. You suck at it.”
A sigh, strained and sad. “Heechul-”
“No. Seriously. Stop being a fucking coward. You're not the one that has to see what this is doing to him. Fix it.”
The silent 'or else' hung between them for a moment before the line was disconnected.
~*~*~
Somehow, Geng was pretty sure it violated some kind of rule for him to secretly sneak out and go to the concert in Taipei. He knew he'd be in trouble if anyone found out that he was lurking outside the hotel where his band mates - former band mates - were staying.
At best, his family's lawyer would scold him severely.
At worse, SM would raise all kinds of hell about it.
But those things only briefly flitted across his mind as he ducked behind a corner and did his best to make himself one with the wall.
He'd needed to see for himself how bad things really were. It wasn't that he didn't trust Heechul's judgment, but... The man did have a tendency to exaggerate.
The vans had trouble getting through the masses of fangirls, but they'd likely gotten drivers well experienced with this sort of thing.
Between the crush of fans and the tangle of boys, it was hard to pick out Ryeowook's tiny form and even harder to get any kind of real idea of how he was once Geng did find him. He wore aviator glasses that managed to cover half of his face and a beanie pulled low over his forehead. He was flanked by Shindong and Jongwoon, nearly hidden neatly between them, his mouth drawn slightly.
Geng bit his lip and considered his options as the surge of humanity began trying to stuff itself into the lobby of the hotel.
That one look had not been enough to reassure him that Heechul was exaggerating, that Ryeowook was fine. Anything else would mean getting close enough to be spotted, though, by fans who were already half frenzied.
If Ryeowook was even half as bad off as Heechul said....
He'd thought it was better this way, to cut off contact entirely. He'd thought it was the best way to give Ryeowook a chance to move on.
He hadn't expected the things Heechul had told him. And if a little voice had whispered in the back of his mind that of course Ryeowook would take it badly, he hadn't expected it to last so long. It had been months since he'd even spoken to his lover - former lover - and even longer since he'd seen him. Plenty of time for Jongwoon or Henry to soothe away any lingering pain and step into his place like Geng knew they'd been both been wanting to for years.
Plenty of time for Ryewook to forget about him.
Like you've forgotten about him?
Geng made a face, hating the fact that the annoying voice of his conscience somehow managed to sound like both Siwon and Heechul all at once.
He was dressed down in simple t-shirt and jeans, a backwards ball cap. He'd avoided the telltale I'm hiding from you signs of shades and beanies or low brimmed hats. He was pretty sure that he was about as normal and blend-able as he was ever going to get. It wouldn't help if a fan actually took a second glance at him, though.
Something that slinking along the corners of the crowd was bound to cause.
A story Heechul had told him once, something about walking straight through a crowd of fangirls who were too busy ogling Jung Yunho to pay him any attention, surfaced in his mind.
The complete unexpectedness of his presence could work in his favor. As far as the fans knew, he was well away from here.
He hesitated for another moment before squaring his shoulders and plowing right through the center of the crowd. Most of the girls never saw anything more than the back of his head as he passed them by. To them, he was just a random hotel guest trying to get to his room.
For once, luck was entirely on his side. He managed to get all the way through and past the girls crowded around the elevators. He only heard ”Was that- Nah, couldn't have been” twice.
He ducked into the stairwell and paused again. He had no idea where to go from there. The common practice was to split the band up and dot their rooms throughout the hotel. It made them harder to stalk if they weren't blocked together en mass. Which meant that Ryeowook could literally be anywhere in the hotel.
A familiar ring tone went off in his pocket and he couldn't help but perk up a little even though Heechul wasn't really someone he wanted to deal with just then. Heechul would know where Ryeowook was.
“Was that you I saw skulking about like some kind of crazed axe murderer across the street?”
Geng dropped his head and sighed. Of course Heechul had seen him. For all that the older man acted like his mind revolved around all Heechul, all the time, he really was quite observant.
And he'd never been very good at hiding. “I wasn't skulking.” Except he totally had been. He couldn't just agree with Heechul, though.
“Riiiight. And I'm converting to Christianity.” Siwon's voice vaguely reached him, scolding Heechul for mocking such important things and Is that gege? “I'll mock whatever I want. Of course it's Kyungie. What other skulking axe murderer do we know?”
“Heechul,” Geng whined, pouting slightly. “I'm not an axe murderer.”
“You might as well be, going around pulling the heads off of kittens and bunnies.” The mutter stung, but Heechul had never been one to mince words or hide his displeasure from others. “Get your ass into the hotel so-”
“I'm already there. In the stairwell.”
Heechul made a sound of approval. “Skulking in the stairwell instead of on the sidewalk? Figures. He's on the fifth floor. Room 509. Give me ten minutes to get Jungsu out of the way and swipe his key. I'll leave it under the flowerpot by the elevator.”
“Thanks.”
Somehow he'd expected Henry to be rooming with Ryeowook, but Jungsu was better. He'd be easier to distract, for one. He had a decided lack of interest in Ryeowook beyond the manner of an older sibling, for another.
He resolutely ignored the Heechul voice in his head singsonging madly about jealousy and stupidity as he jogged up the stairs to the fifth floor.
Ten minutes felt like an eternity when it was spent just out of reach of the man he'd spent the last few months trying - and largely failing - to put behind him.
When the allotted time finally slipped by, Geng let himself into the hallway, eyes scanning the doors looking for the right one. He was on the wrong end of the hall, though.
Hushed voices erupted out of one of the rooms and he shrank back instinctively, but ineffectively. It wasn't like there was really anywhere to hide.
“I really think one of us should stay with …. him.” Jungsu gaped at him for a moment, voice trailing off as he recognized Geng utterly failing at trying to be casual.
“Hi.”
Conflicting emotions of fury and concern, betrayal and affection flashed across his band leader's - former band leader's - face.
“As you can see, he'll hardly be alone.” Behind him, Heechul sighed and rolled his eyes. He shrugged at Geng's questioning look. “I underestimated our fearless leader's protective streak.”
There was a moment of awkward silence after that comment. It had been said so naturally, so instinctively that it was jarring to remember that no, Jungsu wasn't leader to all of them anymore.
Regret was a bitter emotion to taste, but Geng knew that he'd done what he'd had to. He simply couldn't have continued living as he had - it had been killing him with ever increasing speed as each year went by.
It was Siwon that actually got things moving again, stepping forward and tugging at Jungsu with a gentle hand. “Hyung... Let's let Geng-ge try, okay?”
Geng got the feeling that he was seeing part of an earlier, possibly long running discussion. Jungsu hesitated for a moment longer before sighing and holding up a keycard.
“This is against my better judgment,” he muttered, handing it over. His heavy gaze said what Heechul's silences had been. Fix this or else no force on earth will protect you from me. “But desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess.”
The knot that settled in Geng's stomach made him glad he hadn't eaten anything since breakfast. Heechul might exagerate and Siwon might occasionally overstate or misread a situation and Jungsu definitely worried too much, but seeing them now, he saw none of the usual signs that gave them away. They were all perfectly serious and their worry had a quiet, frantic air that settled on his shoulders like a leaden cloak of dread.
The room was dark when he let himself in, except for the light of the streetlamps coming in through the window.
It took a minute for his eyes to adjust to the transition from the brightly lit hallway. He let the door close behind him and pressed his back against it for a moment, hoping he'd made the right decision to come but doubting it just the same.
How could either of them move on if they didn't make a clean break?
The sight before him made his heart stutter painfully and every reason that had been so convincing before when he'd decided that this was for the best for both of them slipped away like smoke.
Curled up in a chair that had been pulled flush to the window, Ryeowook looked like his sweater was trying to swallow him whole as he stared blankly out the window. He'd always been thin. There'd been times over the years when Geng had been deathly afraid that he was going to break the smaller man if he held him too tightly. He'd never been this thin, though, almost painfully so.
More than the obvious weight loss, though, it was Ryeowook's expression that clenched at Geng's heart. The absolute vacancy that he'd been trying to convince himself Heechul was making up to guilt him was worse even than he'd imagined. There was no life there, no spark, just... existence. And barely even that.
He imagined having watched the gradual decline as Ryeowook's hope had faded, as he'd become quieter and more distant. It had been painful enough being an entire country away, hearing the phone sing out Insomnia less and less until it stopped playing all together. To have seen the vibrant, beautiful man become this first hand....
He was honestly surprised that Heechul, or any of his band mates - former band mates - for that matter, hadn't flipped a reckless fuck you to SM Entertainment and Han Geng, caught a plane to China and dragged him back by any means necessary.
This hadn't been what he'd wanted or even what he'd expected.
Part of him wanted to storm through the hotel, to find Jongwoon and Henry and demand to know why they'd let this happen.
Ryeowook was supposed to hate him. He was supposed to have moved on and been happy with someone else. He was not supposed to be wasting away from grief over Geng.
“I'm not worth this,” he muttered, hesitating only a moment before his feet seemed to move of their own accord. He dropped down to his knees beside the chair. “Ryeowook?”
If Ryeowook heard him at all, he gave no indication of it. Geng reached out, his dark hand resting on the smaller, pale hand that lay loosely against Ryeowook's hip. “Wookie?”
There was a tiny movement as Ryeowook took a deep breath and exhaled visibly before turning his head slightly to look at Geng with vague, uninterested eyes.
“Ah, babo... why are you doing this to yourself?” Geng's voice wavered at the end and he had to take a deep breath of his own. No one person should ever be this dependent on another for their happiness, he thought as he shifted and resettled so that he could lay his head on the chair against Ryeowook's leg.
He'd missed Ryeowook like a limb and certainly he hadn't been happy, but he'd pushed on, resolute and sure of his decisions. It would have been a long time before he'd have been okay, but he knew somehow, that he would never have just... stopped.
Did that say more about a difference in the depths of their affections or in their personalities?
He wasn't sure how long he lay there thinking about it before Ryeowook shifted and a hand settled in his hair. “Geng?”
Geng's eyes slipped closed at the soft, husky sound. He only ever talks in front of the camera anymore, jackass, Heechul's voice whispered in his memory.
After a lingering moment, he sat up. Ryeowook's hand slid through his hair as he moved and settled on his shoulder, twitching and tightening there as if expecting Geng to simply vanish now that he'd been acknowledged.
There was resignation and doubt in Ryeowook's eyes that just added to the ache in Geng's heart. Those eyes said that he believed that this was just another dream to add to his torment and that Geng would be gone when he woke up. They spoke of long sleepless nights and a depth of depressed pain that Geng simply couldn't understand.
He worried his lip then sighed. There wasn't much chance that Ryeowook was going to be receptive to any kind of serious conversation. He was too out of it, too tired both emotionally and physically.
He thumbed open his phone and sent a quick text. He needs sleep so we'll talk in the morning. Let Jungsu-hyung stay with you tonight. And make his excuses tomorrow. Then he turned the phone off entirely.
If his hyungs were going to meddle, they could damn well help out and accept the consequences.
As he lifted the small form, the weight loss was even more evident. He wondered if the others hadn't noticed how close their friend was to wasting away entirely or if they had, but just hadn't been able to do anything about it.
Considering the quiet conversation in the hallway, Geng figured it was probably the latter.
Ryeowook settled against him with a soft sigh.
When Geng tried to lay him on the bed, Ryeowook's hands clenched in his t-shirt and a soft whimpering sound escaped. “I'm not going anywhere, babo.”
By the time he managed to convince the other to let go enough that they could both get settled under the covers, Geng was exhausted himself.
But having Ryeowook curled into him, limbs tangled together, hearts beating together with steady reassurance....
It was like all the pieces that had been missing for the last few months had finally slotted back together and he was whole again.
~*~*~
Geng rolled his eyes and pulled his lover into a hug. “You know there's no reason to be jealous.”
“I'm not,” Ryeowook said, scowling, but allowing himself to be drawn closer. “But you shouldn't let Siwon-hyung hang all over you so much!”
“He hangs on you, too,” Geng pointed out, striving to maintain a calm tone. Experience dictated that if he grew audibly annoyed, then Ryeowook would go from mildly peeved to frothing at the mouth pissed in a heartbeat. He didn't much feel like sleeping on the couch. Especially since Siwon or someone else would poke their nose into things and Ryeowook's jealousy would continue to ratchet upwards. “Why would you have to worry about it more than me?”
He'd spent an entire week on the couch, once, before their band mates had finally figured out that their attempts to make things better were only making it worse.
Ryeowook scoffed, but he was already relaxing. “Everyone knows I love you more than you love me.”
“Hey!” Geng couldn't help but feel a little wounded by that. He'd overheard Henry saying something similar before, and it annoyed him a little that everyone automatically assumed that he didn't love Ryeowook deeply. “I love you.”
With a sigh, Ryeowook wrapped his arms around Geng's waist and let his head rest against Geng's shoulder. “I know. It's just... You're the first thought in my head in the morning when I wake up and the one that follows me into sleep. You're always right there, before anyone or anything else.” Ryeowook's voice was soft and hesitant. “It scares me sometimes, how much I love you... How much I need you.”
Geng bit his lip before hugging Ryeowook tightly. “That doesn't sound very healthy, babo...”
Then he yelped when clever fingers pinched the skin of his waist before sliding down under the waistband of his pants. “I'm only a babo for you.”
~*~*~
Geng woke slowly, not wanting to let the dream of happier times go. Waking up meant facing reality.
Waking up meant facing Ryeowook.
He lay there, eyes closed, for a long moment. The familiar warmth and comfort of Ryeowook's body pressed close made him sigh softly in contentment. He wanted to linger there for as long as he could, but already he could feel the weight of the other's stare and he made a face.
“Do I have something stuck on my face?” he rasped out, trying for a humor that he didn't feel.
“No.” Ryeowook's voice was still soft and diffident, but at least it sounded more aware than it had the night before.
When there was no more response than that, Geng finally managed to force his eyelids open and blinked sleepily at the face that was far closer to his own that he'd thought.
Ryeowook had settled his arms on Geng's chest and his chin was resting there. He wondered how long the other had been positioned like that, watching him sleep with rapt attention.
A yawn escaped and Geng stretched long limbs, wincing slightly at a few cracking sounds in his spine. He'd gotten out of the habit of having another person in bed with him over the last few months. He liked it, but his body would have to relearn the adjustments needed for sharing a bed.
As he setteld back down, he sighed.
If there was going to be any future bed sharing.
Geng eased Ryeowook off to one side and rolled out of bed, heading for the bathroom. This wasn't a conversation he wanted to deal with until he'd emptied his bladder. A little water splashed on his face and he frowned, staring at his reflection for a long minute. He looked more rested than he had in months, but there was still an uncertainty and tension underlying that.
When he finally let himself back out into the bedroom, Ryeowook was once against perched in the chair from the night before except that this time he'd turned it around and was staring at the floor in front of the bathroom door.
He didn't look up as Geng approached him, but he didn't turn his face away when Geng dropped down in front of him, either.
Geng decided to take that as a positive sign. Wariness he could deal with.
“Ryeowook....” Biting his lip, Geng searched for the words to make everything okay again, but he knew the chances of that ever happening were miniscule. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't change the course their lives were on now or the fact that those courses were set in completely different directions. And even this, even knowing what it had done to Ryeowook... Geng couldn't have stayed silent any longer. He'd made the only decision he could have made.
“I'm not sorry about the litigation. I can't be. There wasn't... I couldn't live like that anymore.” He reached out and let his hand rest on Ryeowook's. “But... I am sorry that it hurt you like this.”
The expression on Ryeowook's face twisted slightly before smoothing back out after he took a deep breath. “You think that I'm upset about the lawsuit?”
“I'm not-” He didn't manage to get anything out though as Ryeowook stood, fists clenched and body nearly shaking with what Geng suspected was barely suppressed rage.
“I remember the sprains and illnesses that you worked through,” Ryeowook ground out. “I remember the pain and the exhaustion and the homesickness and the insanity. I was there.”
Geng sincerely hoped that the walls were thicker than he imagined or that their band mates - former band mates - were in the rooms on either side because Ryeowook's voice got louder with each word until he was practically shouting the last bit. Wincing, he stood up but still shrank back slightly from the smaller man's anger.
“I was always there for you! Even before you ever even noticed my existence, with honeyed tea or warm soup or hugs or anything you needed.” It was hardly the first time that Geng had ever found himself on the wrong end of Ryeowook's temper. For all that he was usually a calm, loving person, the younger man possessed a jealous streak a mile wide and he wasn't afraid to vent about it if he felt Geng wasn't respecting the exclusivity of certain rights of Ryeowook's over anyone else.
He'd never seen Ryeowook quite this pissed before.
“I always noticed you,” he murmured, knowing it was true. From the moment the small, painfully shy man had joined their number, he'd always noticed Ryeowook.
His comment passed unacknowledged, though, as Ryeowook steamed on ahead. “I'm glad you finally got a backbone and did something about your stupid contract! Everyone took advantage of you and now you're getting your own back. Good for you. Fuck SM Entertainment. I hope your lawyer makes them all cry! And I've always known that you were more important to me than I was to you. I know that, but I thought I at least rated a So long, friend. but no. Not only do you not even bother to tell me that you're thinking about suing, you do it and I find out from Jungsu-hyung trying to rattle my brains out because he mistakenly thought that as your boyfriend I might have any idea what sort of things you get up to and then, on top of that you don't even have the decency to dump me properly! No. You just fucking ignore me until I finally go away and stop bothering you!”
At the end of the rant, as the anger drained away and left only pain and suffering, Ryeowook was breathing hard, his eyes clenched shut and Geng thought he was probably dangerously close to crying.
He'd never been able to stand seeing Ryeowook cry.
He pulled Ryeowook close and hugged him tightly. “Ryeowook... babo... please don't cry.”
It was too late, though. He could feel the tears against his neck.
“Don't... don't call me babo. You don't have that right anymore.”
Geng sighed and had to close his own eyes against the threat of tears. The body against his was still rigid and unforgiving, all sharp angles and anger instead of the softness and love he was used to. “It wasn't like that. I thought it was for the best.”
“How could it be-” He tightened his arms as Ryeowook stiffened and tried to wriggle away. The struggle only lasted for a moment before the smaller man sank back against him, resigned. “I don't understand.”
Honestly, looking back, Geng wasn't sure he did either. It had made so much sense to him at the time, but now...
Ryeowook deserved an explanation, though, however half-assed it sounded now, even to Geng's own mind.
He sighed. “Our futures are in different directions now. Long distance relationships never work. I just... I thought it would be easier to cut off entirely instead of watching our love die slowly. That it would hurt less.”
There was a moment of complete stillness before Ryeowook pushed at Geng's chest, trying for space again. This time, Geng relaxed his hold.
They stared at each other, then Ryewook shook his head with an expression of mixed disbelief and annoyance. “Heechul-hyung is right. You really do suck at thinking.”
Geng pouted. “It made sense at the time!”
Bony fingers poked him hard and he yelped and wiggled away himself before settling back down. He wilted slightly under Ryeowook's look which very clearly said you're an idiot, why do I love you again?.
“First of all, there are two of us in this relationship.” It warmed him to hear Ryeowook use the present tense. “You don't get to make all the decisions unilaterally. There are certain rather significant events in any couple's life that require communication and mutual agreement. This?” He wiggled his finger between them, pointing back and forth from Geng's chest to his own. “This is one of them.”
It was a little like being scolded by his mother. Geng felt properly chastised in the way that only Ryeowook and his mom ever managed. “I'm sorry.”
Ryeowook crossed his arms and sighed. “I forgive you for being an idiot.”
He wanted to argue with the insult, but it was kind of hard to, all things considered.
Geng hesitated for a moment, happy enough that things were moving in the right direction, but needing to have his own say about something else before they moved on. He reached out and took Ryeowook's wrist, holding it up between them. “Babo...”
Frowning, Ryeowook poked him again with his free hand. “I told you not to call me that.”
“Ryeowook,” Geng corrected, rolling his eyes. As if he was going to stop using the nickname after years of growing attached to it. But for now he would have to choose his battles carefully and this one was too important to risk. “This isn't healthy.”
Dark eyes cut away suddenly, looking at anything but Geng. “It wasn't on purpose.”
Geng cupped Ryeowook's chin and forced him to meet his eyes again. “I didn't say it was. That doesn't change the facts.”
Ryeowook made a face before sighing. “I just... wasn't hungry.”
“And the not sleeping?”
“My bed was too cold.”
“And the not speaking?”
“There wasn't anything to say.”
“Wook... You can't do this to yourself. Hurting yourself... It hurt everyone else to watch you do it.” He didn't say that it had hurt him because he hadn't been there to see it and he'd done his level best not to let himself believe what Heechul had been telling him.
“I didn't mean to.”
“I know, ba-” he cut himself off, making a face. “Wook. But it can't happen again. Promise me.”
“...” There was silence for a moment as Ryeowook frowned at him, suspicious. “Why? Are we going to be doing this again?”
Another pause and then Geng held out his pinky finger. “A promise for a promise. You promise never to hurt yourself like this again, and I'll promise that I won't make decisions for both of us anymore. Deal?”
For a minute, he wasn't sure Ryeowook was going to agree. But eventually a smaller pinky hooked around his own.
Ryeowook sighed and Geng didn't hesitate to pull him close again, pleased when the other relaxed against him completely.
They stayed like that, locked around each other, enjoying the simple fact that they were together.
The first knock at the door was kind of quiet, but when they ignored it, whoever was there grew impatient and began pounding. “Hey! I know you're awake, Donghae heard screaming. Is anyone dead in there?”
That was followed by other muffled voices that made Geng groan.
“...” Ryeowook made a noise of aggravation before pulling away and making a beeline for the door. He jerked it open so quick and hard that Siwon, Donghae, and Zhou Mi almost fell inside the room. “Don't you three.... or... dozen... have anything better to do?”
When Ryeowook stumbled and corrected himself, Geng moved closer so that he could see that rather than just three members, the entire band - or at least, the ones that were actually in Taipei - was assembled in the hallway. He moved up behind Ryeowook, sliding his arms around the smaller man's waist and hooking his chin over one shoulder. “Hi.”
Ryeowook relaxed back into his embrace and for a moment, it felt as if they'd never even been apart.
“HI!” Donghae almost pounced, but a grinning Zhou Mi and a long-suffering Henry each grabbed an arm and hauled him backwards.
“We're actually quite busy,” Heechul said from where he'd leaned against the wall across from their door, looking smug and satisfied. Beside him, Jungsu looked tired and cranky, but still pleased with the scene. “We'll be out all day. Since you're here and all, Kyungie, you might as well stay and take care of Wookie.”
If anyone had ever managed to make such innocent words sound as dirty as Heechul had, then Geng figured they must be in the porn industry.
He rolled his eyes and reached out for the door. “I'll do that. And you guys just go away.”
Then he shut it right in their faces. They could both hear the commotion and chaos that reined on the other side of the door.
There was a snort of amusement from Ryeowook, then a sigh. “I'm still tired.”
Geng pressed a kiss to Ryeowook's hair. “Then we'll sleep some more.”
“We still have things to talk about.”
“True. ” He turned Ryeowook around and cupped his cheek. “Ryeowook, I'm sorry. I want to make this work.” He bit his lip as he tangled their fingers together and considered his next words carefully. “I love you and no matter if I thought it was the right thing or not, these last few months have just... really, really sucked.”
A look of unease and uncertainty settled on Ryeowook's face. “Does it make me a bad person to feel better because of that?”
Geng very carefully didn't smile - not with his mouth, anyways. He couldn't be held responsible for any twinkle of amusement that may or may not have been in his eyes. “I think it just makes you human.”
All amusement aside, Geng dipped his head to press a soft kiss against Ryeowook's lips. “You still love me, right? And you want to make this work too?”
“Obviously.”
Had Ryeowook always been so droll and it was only time away that had made Geng notice it?
He pushed the thought aside and kissed his lover again, slowly, carefully walking them towards the bed again. “Then we can figure out the rest later.”
The wariness and distinct lack of trust in Ryeowook's eyes hurt, but Geng couldn't really blame him for it. It would be a long time before Ryeowook ever trusted him with the same blind faith and devotion that he'd had before - random jealousies aside - if he ever really did.
As they settled back in the bed, Ryeowook's painfully thin form half on top of him, Geng wondered if that was really such a bad thing, if blind faith and devotion did this to him.
“Geng?”
The soft voice interrupted his musings and he tilted his head in Ryeowook's direction. “Hm?”
The silence that followed lasted long enough that he'd just about decided that his lover must have fallen asleep. Then Ryeowook shifted and pressed a kiss against his shoulder. “I missed you.”
Geng rolled over so that he was on his side, Ryeowook pulled close against his chest. “I missed you, too.”
Ryeowook stared at him for a long moment before reaching up to poke his cheek, a grin lurking along the edges of his lips that did nothing to detract from the seriousness in his eyes. “If you break your promise, I'll sic Ttangkkoma and Heebum on you. China's not big enough to hide you from us.”
It felt good to laugh again.
It felt even better to hear Ryeowook's sweet laugh mix with his own.
He wiped his eyes and grinned, bumping Ryeowook's nose with his own before kissing him. “Understood, babo.”
“I'm only a babo for you,” Ryeowook said, sighing softly and letting his eyes slipped closed.
Geng made a soft noise of agreement, tracing the sharply defined edge of one cheekbone with his thumb.
The logistics of making a long distance relationship work were going to be difficult enough even without the added complications of the lawsuit or the fans. He had no illusions about the rocky road that lay ahead of them.
But he thought that between them, they had enough stubbornness and determination to make it work. And if not... Well, they had thirteen obnoxiously nosy friends who were perfectly willing to remind them when they were being stupid.
It was a comforting thought as he slipped into sleep, warm and content to be exactly where he was.
~*~*~
fin