Distortions, Ghosts and Tempation.
It felt like I was being haunted from the moment I met him. He was Travis, but he wasn't my Travis, is the best I can explain it. I think the most unsettling thing about it was that unlike my Travis, he was combat adept. It caught me off balance that he'd never met my double in his universe, but could find each and every one of my buttons to push, but given that my Travis was doing the same before he even considered me worth talking to, I can't say that it surprised me.
I didn't want to admit that he thrilled me. I'm afraid to admit that had we had more time together, had there not been this whole issue of almost everyone trying to kill us, steal our shit, or all together treating us like these undeserving brats who'd been given wealth we didn't deserve, I probably would have fallen for him. I'm not sure how that would have worked out though, Toby would likely kill me if I up and ditched him to stay in another universe, and I really don't think it would have worked to bring him back to ours, even if I had been inclined to ignore starfleet regs.
Part of me is afraid to talk about any of this with anyone else. It was pretty clear that he was simply taking advantage of a weakness in my armor. However, towards the end, part of me wanted to believe there was chemistry, that there was passion and desire there, that I could have recaptured what I'd lost. The rational part of me, no matter how quiet her voice and how often she fails to weigh in on my actions, kept telling me I was deluding myself, that I was reaching for a shadow and a reflection.
I think knowing that, it was part of the reason when Spiegel called me back early, stopping me from settling things with Maddie, I didn't insist on going and finishing. Travis offering to help me settle that, it would have given him more time to worm his way in, to convince me to do something that would have only shattered me later when it blew up. I think I can at least take some small measure of comfort to know that some version of him is out there, still alive and thriving, though in a way that's nothing like what my own Travis would have done.
I need to talk to either Blue or Toby now. Either one of them would be able to help me sort myself out over this. Unfortunately, I doubt I'll have time before debriefings, and those are only going to make it harder. Trying to stay detached, clinical and professional in my reports, when half my attention while I was there was being inflamed by this doppelganger.