(no subject)
I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days. Trying to figure out my life now that I'm 30. I don't think I have any answers, but I think I at least have a better idea of the questions now.
I was laying in bed this morning, thinking about the fanfic I was reading last night. It was a Ranma 1/2 fanfic but, instead of the usual martial arts hijinks the canon series has, it looked at Ranma's curse. For those who don't know the series, Ranma is a martial artist, one of the best. He's been pushed since he was a child to be a 'Man amongst Men', with the threat of a contract to commit seppukku if he fails. He also has a curse. After falling in to a cursed spring while training in China, he now turns into a girl when hit with cold water and back to a guy when hit with hot water. This obviously complicates the 'Man amongst Men' thing. Various other martial artists around him have similar curses, except turning into a panda, a cat, a pig, a duck etc... He's engaged to several different girls due to his father's duplicity and sometimes his own dumb luck. All the girls are martial artists and are constantly fight both him and each other. It's madcap fun and, when I was about 11 or 12 and I first discovered the series, it was a revelation to me. The idea of someone who could switch between male and female essentially at will held a great deal of fascination to a kid trying to deal with their own gender issues.
The fanfic I've been reading takes a different tack. When Ranma meets his mother for the first time in over a decade, the story diverges. She isn't a hidebound traditionalist who's the driving force behind the 'Man amongst Men' stuff and her insistence on him being such leading to his decade-long training journey with his father. She instead recognises Ranma's girl form as her long-lost daughter Ranko. It's revealed that in this universe, Ranko was born as a girl but, when she was four and a half her father's desire for a son caused him to make a foolish agreement with someone not very nice that ended with Ranko being magically turned into a boy, Ranma. In this story the whole 'Man amongst Men' thing was Ranma's father's attempt to force masculinity on his child despite her innate feminity. Gaining the curse, rather than just giving Ranma a female body some of the time instead began to awaken her long dormant female personality. The rest of the story follows Ranko figuring out who she is, who she wants to be and where she wants to go with her life.
This morning I realised that I find myself reading a lot of stories like these. Young trans people finding themselves, working out who they are, fighting through all the shit that's inevitably thrown at them and moving on with their lives. They usually have at least one supportive parent and often an intractable parent will come round to supporting them. They work through all the crap about what boys and girls are supposed to be and what they're supposed to do that they've been fed since birth. And, more often than not, they either find a talent that they can focus on to help them through or they use their transition to help them push an existing talent to a new level.
And I think that the fact that I've not got any of those things in my life is one of the reasons I'm stuck in this rut now. I didn't transition until my early/mid twenties, by which point testosterone had done plenty of damage to my body. Add to that the fact that Health Commssion Wales were cunts and delayed transition further, so that I only just started hormones earlier this year, just before my 30th birthday. I feel like I've missed out on so much in my childhood because I was stuck with a body I couldn't deal with. I couldn't begin to define myself until I was 21, by which point I'd already been forced into going to uni despite not knowing where I wanted to go with my life. I don't regret the course I took especially. I may not have completed the degree. It may still have no real relevence to my life, but I met all of my closest friends from being on that course at that time. Without them and their support, I wouldn't have got even as far as I have today. I just wish sometimes that I could go back and try again.
My parents are still being intractable. They talk to me, they'll have me home for a visit, but I'm never Emma, I always have to be Vincent. After nine years their continued refusal to accept who I am is hurting more and more. But I love my parents. I can't just cut them out of my life. I've tried. It just doesn't work. I just wish I could make them understand just how much their attitude hurts and how much the fact that my own parents won't accept me saps my self confidence about anybody else accepting me. I know my parents lov me. They wouldn't throw as much money as they do at times if they didn't. Or maybe they just feel guilty. But they have a hell of a lot to answer for over the years. I know they did their best, but the damage is there. I can trace a lot of my confidence problems to them. Why speak up? Nobody listens. Why be honest with your feelings? They'll just say you're lying anyway, or that you don't know what you're talking about. And so on and so no... I don't think it was intentional. I don't think it was vindictive. It was just that 'Parents know best, kids don't have a clue' attitude that's so prevalent. And my parents never seem to have got past this stage.
I dare say these things prey on the mind of a lot of trans people. I wouldn't keep coming across so many stories with the same elements if they didn't. These stories are basically wish fulfilment. "I wish my life had been like this. I wish I could have transitioned younger. I wish my parents accepted me. I wish I had a talent or skill that would give my life some focus and direction." And I read them because I wish the same things. Right now I spend my days sitting front of my computer. I hate myself and my body too much to go dare go out for anything but the briefest trips to the shops most days. I have no job. I have no focus. I have no direction. I'm on my own far far too much. My anxiety and my depression rule my life.
I'm trying to change. I moved up to the midlands to be closer to friends from uni so that I could have more of a social life. It's... worked somewhat but not as well as I would have liked. I've joined a sci fi costuming group to get myself out of the house more and to put myself into situations where I have to interact with more people. Again, it's somewhat worked. I've been to a few troops. I've had to pull out of a couple because my depression was just too bad on those days and panic attacks are a constant problem in crowds, but I feel like I'm making some progress. I just feel like there's more I could be doing. I just have no idea what.
My parents are a major issue. I don't think I'll ever be happy until something is resolved there. But I don't know how to bring them round and I'm scared of pushing them in case I lose them.
My body will never be what I want it to be. I know this and I've mostly accepted this. But it could still be better than it is now. If I can lose some weight, that would help. Except my depression is keeping me in a cycle of "Feel bad, binge eat, put on weight, feel worse, binge more" that I just can't seem to get out of. I did manage to lose weight earlier this year but I think I've put a lot of it back on now. I'd like to be more active. I'd like to cycle. I'd to try something like Tai Chi. I'd even settle for just going down to a gym once or twice a week. But right now my knees are so bad that I can cause myself serious pain walking across my living room. Couple that with my anxiety and the fact that there's no-one around here willing to do these things with me and I'm stuck.
I want to go back to uni and get a degree. Something I want this time, rather than just something that sounds fun and fills time I figure out where my life's going. I enjoyed working on equality stuff with NUS, so maybe something either directly to do with equality or to do with working in the public sector to implement and enforce equality measures. But right now I can't handle a degree. I broke down crying a few weeks ago trying to write a statement in support of a friend's DLA application. This lj post aside, I have a great deal of difficulty sitting down and writing anything nowadays. Plus how the hell would I afford it? Can I get a student loan, having already spent five years screwing up one degree and racking up £16000 debt? Right now, university is just a pipe dream.
I need a new hobby. Something not so passive as watching anime or reading, which are my main pastimes now. I enjoy music. I enjoy singing. I'm good at singing, but only in a male register, so that's kind of out. Maybe I should try learning a new instrument? I don't want to go back to the trumpet/cornet. It was never my first choice anyway. I'd rather have learned saxophone, but they wouldn't let me because I couldn't get a note out of it properly the first taster lesson. From messing around with a friend's sax a few years back I know that skills I picked up playing the cornet at least allow me to get sound out of one now. Although maybe something else. I've always wanted to learn guitar and I've often wondered about violin too. Maybe I can find some music shop that'll give me a few taster lessons on various instruments that'll let me see if any speak to me. maybe I should try drawing and painting again. There has to be soe art I can work on in my life.
I'm going to stop there. I've run out of steam. I'm not sure where I wanted to go with this when I started anymore and I'm not sure where it's ended up either. I think I've been able to see a few things I can work towards in my life. Maybe. I don't know. But I at least have some questions now. How do I bring my parents round? How do I move towards going back to uni? Should I try picking up some form of art again, and if so, what? Maybe that's a good enough start for now. Now I just need to work on getting some answers...
I was laying in bed this morning, thinking about the fanfic I was reading last night. It was a Ranma 1/2 fanfic but, instead of the usual martial arts hijinks the canon series has, it looked at Ranma's curse. For those who don't know the series, Ranma is a martial artist, one of the best. He's been pushed since he was a child to be a 'Man amongst Men', with the threat of a contract to commit seppukku if he fails. He also has a curse. After falling in to a cursed spring while training in China, he now turns into a girl when hit with cold water and back to a guy when hit with hot water. This obviously complicates the 'Man amongst Men' thing. Various other martial artists around him have similar curses, except turning into a panda, a cat, a pig, a duck etc... He's engaged to several different girls due to his father's duplicity and sometimes his own dumb luck. All the girls are martial artists and are constantly fight both him and each other. It's madcap fun and, when I was about 11 or 12 and I first discovered the series, it was a revelation to me. The idea of someone who could switch between male and female essentially at will held a great deal of fascination to a kid trying to deal with their own gender issues.
The fanfic I've been reading takes a different tack. When Ranma meets his mother for the first time in over a decade, the story diverges. She isn't a hidebound traditionalist who's the driving force behind the 'Man amongst Men' stuff and her insistence on him being such leading to his decade-long training journey with his father. She instead recognises Ranma's girl form as her long-lost daughter Ranko. It's revealed that in this universe, Ranko was born as a girl but, when she was four and a half her father's desire for a son caused him to make a foolish agreement with someone not very nice that ended with Ranko being magically turned into a boy, Ranma. In this story the whole 'Man amongst Men' thing was Ranma's father's attempt to force masculinity on his child despite her innate feminity. Gaining the curse, rather than just giving Ranma a female body some of the time instead began to awaken her long dormant female personality. The rest of the story follows Ranko figuring out who she is, who she wants to be and where she wants to go with her life.
This morning I realised that I find myself reading a lot of stories like these. Young trans people finding themselves, working out who they are, fighting through all the shit that's inevitably thrown at them and moving on with their lives. They usually have at least one supportive parent and often an intractable parent will come round to supporting them. They work through all the crap about what boys and girls are supposed to be and what they're supposed to do that they've been fed since birth. And, more often than not, they either find a talent that they can focus on to help them through or they use their transition to help them push an existing talent to a new level.
And I think that the fact that I've not got any of those things in my life is one of the reasons I'm stuck in this rut now. I didn't transition until my early/mid twenties, by which point testosterone had done plenty of damage to my body. Add to that the fact that Health Commssion Wales were cunts and delayed transition further, so that I only just started hormones earlier this year, just before my 30th birthday. I feel like I've missed out on so much in my childhood because I was stuck with a body I couldn't deal with. I couldn't begin to define myself until I was 21, by which point I'd already been forced into going to uni despite not knowing where I wanted to go with my life. I don't regret the course I took especially. I may not have completed the degree. It may still have no real relevence to my life, but I met all of my closest friends from being on that course at that time. Without them and their support, I wouldn't have got even as far as I have today. I just wish sometimes that I could go back and try again.
My parents are still being intractable. They talk to me, they'll have me home for a visit, but I'm never Emma, I always have to be Vincent. After nine years their continued refusal to accept who I am is hurting more and more. But I love my parents. I can't just cut them out of my life. I've tried. It just doesn't work. I just wish I could make them understand just how much their attitude hurts and how much the fact that my own parents won't accept me saps my self confidence about anybody else accepting me. I know my parents lov me. They wouldn't throw as much money as they do at times if they didn't. Or maybe they just feel guilty. But they have a hell of a lot to answer for over the years. I know they did their best, but the damage is there. I can trace a lot of my confidence problems to them. Why speak up? Nobody listens. Why be honest with your feelings? They'll just say you're lying anyway, or that you don't know what you're talking about. And so on and so no... I don't think it was intentional. I don't think it was vindictive. It was just that 'Parents know best, kids don't have a clue' attitude that's so prevalent. And my parents never seem to have got past this stage.
I dare say these things prey on the mind of a lot of trans people. I wouldn't keep coming across so many stories with the same elements if they didn't. These stories are basically wish fulfilment. "I wish my life had been like this. I wish I could have transitioned younger. I wish my parents accepted me. I wish I had a talent or skill that would give my life some focus and direction." And I read them because I wish the same things. Right now I spend my days sitting front of my computer. I hate myself and my body too much to go dare go out for anything but the briefest trips to the shops most days. I have no job. I have no focus. I have no direction. I'm on my own far far too much. My anxiety and my depression rule my life.
I'm trying to change. I moved up to the midlands to be closer to friends from uni so that I could have more of a social life. It's... worked somewhat but not as well as I would have liked. I've joined a sci fi costuming group to get myself out of the house more and to put myself into situations where I have to interact with more people. Again, it's somewhat worked. I've been to a few troops. I've had to pull out of a couple because my depression was just too bad on those days and panic attacks are a constant problem in crowds, but I feel like I'm making some progress. I just feel like there's more I could be doing. I just have no idea what.
My parents are a major issue. I don't think I'll ever be happy until something is resolved there. But I don't know how to bring them round and I'm scared of pushing them in case I lose them.
My body will never be what I want it to be. I know this and I've mostly accepted this. But it could still be better than it is now. If I can lose some weight, that would help. Except my depression is keeping me in a cycle of "Feel bad, binge eat, put on weight, feel worse, binge more" that I just can't seem to get out of. I did manage to lose weight earlier this year but I think I've put a lot of it back on now. I'd like to be more active. I'd like to cycle. I'd to try something like Tai Chi. I'd even settle for just going down to a gym once or twice a week. But right now my knees are so bad that I can cause myself serious pain walking across my living room. Couple that with my anxiety and the fact that there's no-one around here willing to do these things with me and I'm stuck.
I want to go back to uni and get a degree. Something I want this time, rather than just something that sounds fun and fills time I figure out where my life's going. I enjoyed working on equality stuff with NUS, so maybe something either directly to do with equality or to do with working in the public sector to implement and enforce equality measures. But right now I can't handle a degree. I broke down crying a few weeks ago trying to write a statement in support of a friend's DLA application. This lj post aside, I have a great deal of difficulty sitting down and writing anything nowadays. Plus how the hell would I afford it? Can I get a student loan, having already spent five years screwing up one degree and racking up £16000 debt? Right now, university is just a pipe dream.
I need a new hobby. Something not so passive as watching anime or reading, which are my main pastimes now. I enjoy music. I enjoy singing. I'm good at singing, but only in a male register, so that's kind of out. Maybe I should try learning a new instrument? I don't want to go back to the trumpet/cornet. It was never my first choice anyway. I'd rather have learned saxophone, but they wouldn't let me because I couldn't get a note out of it properly the first taster lesson. From messing around with a friend's sax a few years back I know that skills I picked up playing the cornet at least allow me to get sound out of one now. Although maybe something else. I've always wanted to learn guitar and I've often wondered about violin too. Maybe I can find some music shop that'll give me a few taster lessons on various instruments that'll let me see if any speak to me. maybe I should try drawing and painting again. There has to be soe art I can work on in my life.
I'm going to stop there. I've run out of steam. I'm not sure where I wanted to go with this when I started anymore and I'm not sure where it's ended up either. I think I've been able to see a few things I can work towards in my life. Maybe. I don't know. But I at least have some questions now. How do I bring my parents round? How do I move towards going back to uni? Should I try picking up some form of art again, and if so, what? Maybe that's a good enough start for now. Now I just need to work on getting some answers...