On Dating

[kittyavatar]

So I meet a guy on OKCupid who seems really cool and interesting. He is an opera singer, a geek, and rather smart. He is quite interested in me. And yet I am not excited about the date. From my conversations with him, I can tell he is interested in sex, and that is not a problem by itself. It is the knowing someone is interested in having sex

Comments

[rick_day]

Tell him you are on your period. See if HE cancels your date.

That will say a lot about the guy.

[sfeley]

Have to disagree about the "period" advice. Two reasons:

1.) Lying to somebody just to "test" them is a bad start to any potential relationship. Would you be happy if you found out a date lied to you about something small just to see how you'd react? Honesty and mutual respect have to go both ways.

2.) Even if it was true, it's kind of a weird thing to tell somebody before you meet them. I wouldn't be freaked out, but I would think, "Umm, why is she telling me this?" (And if it was said with the implication of "This is why sex won't happen," it suggests rather hazardously that sex probably would have happened if you weren't.)

[dragontdc]

#2. You are obviously uncomfortable getting into a private situation (alone in a car) with this guy. Check him out somewhere safe, and if that goes all right, make further plans.

[sfeley]

If he's creeping you out, do not go out with him. Respect your instincts.

If you're not creeped, and interested in him apart from this forwardness, go on the date but stay comfortably within your boundaries. He might be cooler in person, and simply lack clue on how to flirt in email. Or maybe not. But if you meet him in person you'll have a chance to tell him to dial it back a bit. If he respects that, rock on. You've found a Guy Who Listens. If he doesn't, at least you'll know that it wasn't going to work and you won't be uncertain anymore. >8->

Do insist on taking your own car. Make that clear ahead of time, and explain what you said here about car-with-a-stranger. If he has a problem with that, and gives you shit about it, it's a great big danger sign and you should be creeped out. If he's a decent guy he'll be happy enough for your company at both destinations and won't stress about the getting there.

[erosissa]

I'd fall somewhere in the middle. DON'T just ignore him, and DON'T have shitty sex. You could try saying, "I'd love to go on this date with you, but I already feel awkward about the level of intimate talking we've had. How do you feel about leaving sex off the table entirely until we've had a couple of dates?" Or, "The closer we get to this date, the more I think I hate dating. Let's call it off, but do you want to come to this New Year's party I'll be at?" If you're going to do the date, something like, "Dinner and karaoke sound great, but let's take two cars since it's a first date." All of those things are perfectly reasonable, and his response to them should tell you more about the direction you want to go.

[dv8dgrrl]

Have to agree with Issa here. This is very reasonable and sound advice. I am particularly fond of the being honest about the uncomfortableness of the level of intimate talking.

[jb_27]

I think that there are truths underneath what you're expressing, but I'm so turned off by the over-generalizations that I can barely pick out your actual message.

[jb_27]

As outraged as I usually am at the things going on in the world, I wouldn't think that offending me would be some great accomplishment! It had to be your turn some time.

When I hear someone making over-generalized, stereotypical statements about a class or type of person, my instinctual reaction is to disregard what they're saying as unworthy of further attention. Some men may turn into "drooling morons" when they are exposed to a "wiggling woman," but some men do not, and so a description of male behavior based on that premise is inherently flawed. When I read your comment, my impulse to disregard you conflicted with my normal conclusion that your statements are worth bouncing off of my brain, even if I disagree with your conclusions.