sunday ♥
[ ...I don't think I've ever felt like an idiot so much in my life before. I mean, I know that's not saying much - when am I not? - but this time... I really blew it. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to forgive myself for knowing that I broke his heart back then, even if it was unknowingly at the time. I should have noticed it had happened in the first place; that's where I'm the idiot.
Kentarou's known all this time. He's known for years and he didn't say a damn thing. It's not... something I can expect him to tell me, but... if I had only known. I've made a lot of stupid mistakes in my lifetime, but I think this one just tops them all. It's going to be fine. I know it is. Tezuka said so himself, and talking to Kentarou did help.
...But it still hurts so damn much. I thought I've experienced this emotion before, but those times are nothing compared to this. I don't cry. I don't cry. I can't remember the last time I have cried. But today I did. Twice, and in front of two different people - in person and over the phone. I know I shouldn't feel dumb because of that, but... this is a big thing to me. I've never let anyone see me cry from when I can really remember. I think my sister is the only one who has, and she's... my sister. My own father hasn't even seen me cry.
I don't know. I'm not helping myself by thinking about it. I can't get the feeling of his lips off mine, though. It's comforting, but almost... like my subconscious is doing it just to remind me of what I just can't have.
...I also have to wonder why I'm typing this out rather than writing it down. Mm. Whatever. ]
I can't believe it's already been over two months since I came on this show. Amazing how time flies. ♥ Fairly soon we'll be all headed back where we came from - some to work, some to school, some to meddling in other people's business that doesn't include a bunch of housemates, and whatever else you guys were doing beforehand. :3 It's gonna be weird to not be living in a house with you all, anymore. The nicest thing will be having a break from all the cameras, though - I think that's what I'm most looking forward to.
I think I'm going to keep using this journal after the show is finished, too. Normally, I probably wouldn't because I'm horrible at keeping these things updated, but I wanna stay in touch with some of you, yeah?~ They'll be a good way, especially for us who travel out of country often. ♥
Kentarou's known all this time. He's known for years and he didn't say a damn thing. It's not... something I can expect him to tell me, but... if I had only known. I've made a lot of stupid mistakes in my lifetime, but I think this one just tops them all. It's going to be fine. I know it is. Tezuka said so himself, and talking to Kentarou did help.
...But it still hurts so damn much. I thought I've experienced this emotion before, but those times are nothing compared to this. I don't cry. I don't cry. I can't remember the last time I have cried. But today I did. Twice, and in front of two different people - in person and over the phone. I know I shouldn't feel dumb because of that, but... this is a big thing to me. I've never let anyone see me cry from when I can really remember. I think my sister is the only one who has, and she's... my sister. My own father hasn't even seen me cry.
I don't know. I'm not helping myself by thinking about it. I can't get the feeling of his lips off mine, though. It's comforting, but almost... like my subconscious is doing it just to remind me of what I just can't have.
...I also have to wonder why I'm typing this out rather than writing it down. Mm. Whatever. ]
I can't believe it's already been over two months since I came on this show. Amazing how time flies. ♥ Fairly soon we'll be all headed back where we came from - some to work, some to school, some to meddling in other people's business that doesn't include a bunch of housemates, and whatever else you guys were doing beforehand. :3 It's gonna be weird to not be living in a house with you all, anymore. The nicest thing will be having a break from all the cameras, though - I think that's what I'm most looking forward to.
I think I'm going to keep using this journal after the show is finished, too. Normally, I probably wouldn't because I'm horrible at keeping these things updated, but I wanna stay in touch with some of you, yeah?~ They'll be a good way, especially for us who travel out of country often. ♥