Fic for becroberts (1/3)
Title: Per Aspera ad Astra
Author: wintersdancer
Pairing: Akame
Word count: 31,020 words
Rating: NC-17
Genre/Warnings: AU, romance, (slight) angst
Notes: Dear becroberts, honestly speaking I was really scared when I read the email with my assignment for the exchange. That's because I remember reading your fics and that they left me totally amazed and speechless. I did my best in writing this fic, and I really hope you'll like it at least a tiny bit. In the end, it was a pleasure to write for you :)
Thanks a lot to my lovely beta and a lot of other people (you know who you are) for coping with my panic attacks during the writing of this fic.
Summary: Jin had always thought that life is all about meeting people, getting to know them, falling in and out of love before having a sad ending that only brings an air of melancholy with itself, but things changed when he met him.
"Akanishi-kun! Two blueberry cakes at table number three, one cheesecake and a coffee at table number six and there are some tables that need to be cleaned."
"Got it!" Jin yells through the small and crowded café he works at, wondering what is happening today; he's been working there since his graduation, and he has never seen so many people gathered there, all at the same time.
Jin loves his job; it's not what his parents would have hoped for, but he doesn't care. His colleagues have been nice and the place is comfortable; there's rarely some annoying customer, and even at those times, Jin always manages his best to be polite no matter what happens. It had taken him a lot of time and effort not to get worked up during his encounters with rude people, but now it's fine, he can manage.
The only thing he can't understand though, is why there's so many people in the café today. There's nothing special going on, and as much as the café is a nice place - one of those small, cozy places with wooden tables and soft music playing in the background like the ones he would have avoided like the plague when he was a high school student - he still can't understand all the general excitement.
It's true that their coffee is special and their cakes are "so delicious that they taste like they're from another world" (Jin still remembers the smile on that woman's lips when she told him that), but it had never been so famous as to gather huge crowds.
Not that Jin minds that much to be honest, because if more people finally start to recognize their place as a lovely one, maybe they'll be able to avoid closing down soon.
The truth is that the café's business isn't going that well, Jin knows it. His boss is not exactly keeping it secret from his staff, but he's quietly mentioned to Jin that they'll probably have to close the business after 50 years of activity.
When Jin thinks about it, he's sad. It's not like he's the owner, but the café feels like home to him by now, and he has learned so many things in there that he doesn't want the place to disappear just like that.
The boss is the one that taught him how to bake cakes, the very same cakes that make the place special, and Jin can't find anything else in the world that makes him feel better than baking; music is the only other thing that makes him feel so alive like that.
It's not that he's depressed or sad with his current life, no not at all, but there's always this permanent feeling of melancholy following him around, like there's something missing. Until now, Jin hasn't been able to find out what it is.
Working at the "Via Lactea café" is the only thing that manages to subdue that feeling, at least for a while.
Jin still remembers very well the first time he had been there, during a cold, winter evening. It was his last year of high school, and he was struggling with his own inner self, trying to sort out his sexuality. It hadn't been easy, and in a moment of despair he had been walking randomly through the cold city, before seeing the shiny sign of the café. He hadn't thought twice before stepping in, the sparkling stars hanging from the deep blue ceiling and the ones projected on the walls instantly making him comfortable. He sat in the corner, as far as he could from the counter and the door, and waited, not really knowing for what.
Until Yamamoto-san, the owner, had placed a slice of strawberry cake in front of him even before he had the time to ask for something, telling him he would feel better after eating it. Jin had looked up at the smiling man then, his brows quirked as he tentatively tasted the cake, discovering soon after that the man was right.
Jin thinks that might have been the moment when he had decided what he wanted to do with his life, right there and then, under the fake stars. He had discovered he wanted to make people feel better, just as it happened to him that day, when he had finally felt good about himself. If he thinks about it now, it's funny how he had been hopelessly looking for help at the time, trying to understand himself in order to be able to understand others better as well; it's funny how the help he thought he wasn't meant to have, had came to him through a slice of cake and an old, unknown man.
Jin thinks that maybe everything started that day; his resolutions in life, his will to get better and make others feel at ease, and that's probably why he's gone there almost every day since, even finding himself working there soon after graduation.
The "Via Lactea café" is not big nor fancy, but it's cozy and comfortable and it smells like home to Jin. The sparkling stars are still hanging from the ceiling - which Jin helped to paint again after his hiring. The projector isn't working anymore, but Yamamoto-san found several pictures of stars and galaxies to hang on the walls, so the feeling is still very similar to what Jin had felt the first time he had entered.
He doesn't exactly know why Yamamoto-san hired him at the time (he had said later that Jin's full of potential), but he's not going to complain. He loves his job and loves every moment spent in the shop; he loves it when his hands are mixing the dough as he hums some foreign song in the back of the small kitchen, the feeling of the mix on his fingers making him feel instantly better, and he loves when he has to walk between the small tables, greeting the customers with a warm smile and receiving one back as well.
Smiles from strangers make him feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
With time, Jin now is able to remember some of their usual customers, and this gives him the chance to have some small talks from time to time; it's never anything too deep or personal, just a small and light chat about everything and nothing while he serves them their cakes and coffees (blueberry cake and a cappuccino for the office lady who works down the street, strawberry cake and a hot chocolate for the man who works in the bookshop next door and a small slice of cheesecake for the student from the Medical School that comes from time to time). He might be wrong, but Jin likes to think that he's doing something to help them all have a better day.
He really hopes so, because he feels like they are his only purpose in life at the moment.
***
Jin is washing some bowls in the kitchen after closing time -the shutter is down already; he has taken care of the tables and of the counter, so now all that's left is to prepare the dough for tomorrow and wash the bowls and other utensils.
Yamamoto-san silently slips into the kitchen and sits on a stool, watching Jin as he takes care of everything before Jin serves him a slice of chocolate cake with some whipped cream on the side, and the man smiles.
Yamamoto-san is an old man with kind eyes and grey hair, a man that has been watching Jin for years now, helping him grow up both professionally and personally, and Jin admires the man's ability to always speak the right amount of words. There hasn't been a time, not even a single one, when something that was meant to be said had been left unspoken or that more words than necessary had been used to tell what was on his mind.
The silence between them is comfortable, and Jin likes it, because it makes him feel peaceful.
"This is really good!" Yamamoto-san tells Jin after tasting the cake, and Jin beams; having his boss' approval for a cake he baked is something that always makes him happy, and Jin had come to realize that he had sought for Yamamoto-san's approval more often than his own father's.
When Jin finishes his ministrations, he sits down on a stool next to Yamamoto-san and watches him as he eats the cake, smiling and licking his lips.
"You've grown to be a wonderful pastry chef, Jin."
Yamamoto-san places the empty plate on the metallic table of the laboratory and looks at Jin with serious eyes.
"You're probably the best pastry chef around by now."
Jin can see how serious the man is, but he feels like what he's saying is not the truth.
"I could be better," he tells him, and Yamamoto-san nods.
"Yes, you could. You have the talent, Jin. Don't waste it." Yamamoto-san looks at him with fond eyes. "But most of all, you have the passion."
Jin chuckles, embarrassed, and scratches his nape with his right hand and avoids the man's gaze; he doesn't know why, but he always feels under pressure when Yamamoto-san's looking at him like that, when he compliments him like that.
It's only that Jin doesn't have a high self confidence, he knows that very well. He always tries to be as objective as he can when thinking about himself, but it's not easy. He's working on it though, and he's sure he can do better.
For now, though, he'll be okay with changing the topic and trying to avoid the speech he knows Yamamoto-san will soon make. He can feel it, he can sense that there's something different in the man's voice over the last couple of weeks. It's not necessarily something bad, but somehow Jin doesn't feel like he's ready to know what it is.
"I always wanted to ask …" Jin starts, and he clearly sees the man's eyes lighting up in curiosity. "Why the stars?"
Yamamoto-san chuckles and places himself better on the stool.
"I never told you?"
Jin shakes his head and waits for an answer.
"Many years ago I was struggling to find out what my purpose in life was," he says. "I was lost, completely lost. I didn't know what to do in my life and with my life. One night, after a big crisis, my wife came to me and told me to look at the stars because they always have an answer."
Jin notices how Yamamoto-san's eyes grow clouded with sadness for a moment when he talks about his wife, and Jin really regrets that she had died before he could have met her, even if only once.
"And so I did," Yamamoto-san continues. "I looked up at the stars that night, and I decided. That's how I knew I wanted to open a small café and try to make people feel better with my cakes."
Jin opens his eyes wide, listening to him. He had always thought of Yamamoto-san as a man who ponders everything thoroughly before taking action, so the story sounds almost incredible to Jin's ears. When Yamamoto-san looks at him and sees the surprised expression on his face, he chuckles softly.
"Your wife was an awesome person," Jin says then, and Yamamoto-san's eyes are soft and warm now, filled with love. As he watches him, Jin thinks he can seriously feel the love Yamamoto-san still has for his wife, as if it was something palpable in the air, and he wishes to feel something at least remotely close to that some day.
"Yes, she was."
Yamamoto-san turns and looks at the wall-clock hanging above the door, clapping his hands on his knees and standing up from the stool.
"It's late already," he says. "Go home, I'll finish here."
Jin is on the verge of saying that it's not necessary, but Yamamoto-san doesn't let him.
"Go, Jin. I'll see you tomorrow."
Jin bows then, leaving the rag he used to clean the kitchen on the metallic table before hanging his blue apron on the rack and bowing.
"Good night."
"Good night, Jin."
Jin's almost out of the door already when he hears Yamamoto-san calling him back, so he peeks his head inside the kitchen again, a few strands of dark hair falling over his eyes.
"Remember, Jin. The stars have all the answers." Yamamoto-san looks fondly at him. "Don't you ever forget that."
"I won't." Jin smiles back, before going out into the night. He stops to look up at the strange sky; it has red nuances, and Jin thinks he has never seen something this odd before. He looks at it for several moments before slipping his hands in the pockets of his jacket, and walks away.
***
Jin doesn't see Yamamoto-san the next morning and not even the one after that, since he's forced into bed with a bad case of the flu that doesn't let him rest easily. He almost feels guilty while he calls in sick, but Yamamoto-san tells him it's okay and that he should think only about resting and eating properly for once 'instead of those precooked meal you always have'. Jin scoffs, but smiles at the same time hearing the mocking tone in the man's voice. He really likes the relationship they have built during the years; it's not only a boss-employee relationship, it's much more than that, and it's the closest thing Jin has ever had to a father-son relationship.
It's not that things are bad with his family, no, but he just can't bring himself to talk with them about things, personal things, while it has always been so easy to do it with Yamamoto-san, and Jin often wonders where would he be now if he didn't step into the café that winter night.
Any time he tries to find an answer, he gives up soon after.
In his mind, it's not important anymore.
-*-
When Jin goes back to work after a whole week of staying at home, he feels regenerated. In the moment when he steps into the café, the smell of cakes make its way to his nostrils, and he sighs in delight. He had missed the place during that single week he hadn't been there, and he wonders how is it even possible to miss something so much in such a short time.
He slips into the kitchen to see if there's something to do in there, but apparently there are cakes enough for now, so he goes back to the front of the café, waiting for customers.
The day is lazy though, and there's even less people than usual coming in.
"Is something wrong?" Jin asks Yamamoto-san when he has the chance, because even if they have days when almost no one comes in from time to time, Jin feels like there's something different this time.
The man looks at him, smiling sadly before telling him that a cake shop has opened just down the road; he explains that the cakes at the new place are apparently good and cheaper, so most of the people have stopped coming here because of that.
"They're not homemade like ours though," he adds soon after, a sour look cast on his face. "On a brighter note!" Yamamoto-san trills then, and Jin chuckles at the sudden change of atmosphere. "We gained a new customer."
He winks in Jin's direction before checking the time on the wall clock hanging above the counter.
"It's time for his second round of coffee now", he tells Jin, who stares back at him before he lets his gaze wander through the room in search of the new customer. "He likes it black."
Jin walks behind the counter, pouring some coffee in a cup before placing it on the tray and walks towards the most secluded corner of the café, the very same one he had occupied that winter evening.
Sitting there, half hidden by a wooden column, there's a guy about his age. His leather jacket is carefully placed on the chair on the other side of the small table, and he seems to be engrossed in reading a book.
"Here's your coffee, Sir." Jin places the cup on the table, careful not to damage the book, and that's when the other guy lifts his head, a surprised expression on his face before his lips curls into a tiny smile.
"Thank you," he says politely, and when he looks Jin straight in his eyes, Jin can study him; the guy looks slightly younger than him, and his dark hair frames his face. His nose is a bit crooked, but Jin thinks it really suits the guy, and he only notices how he has been staring when the guy slowly raises a brow, looking at him questioningly.
Jin bows then, rushing back behind the counter and muttering curses under his breath for his little slip; he has never done something like that previously, something like staring at a customer for longer than necessary, and he can't really understand why he did it this time. Then, the memory of the guy's eyes flash for a moment in his mind, and he thinks he has never seen more expressive eyes before in his whole life. It's like there's a mysterious light in them, something Jin can't clearly understand but that is magnetic and fascinating at the same time.
"He comes here every day, ever since the day you called in sick." Jin's startled by the sudden presence of Yamamoto-san at his side, and when the old man chuckles, Jin groans. "He reads and drinks two coffees."
Jin carefully looks at the guy, who's the only customer in the shop at the moment; he's focused on the book in front of him, one of his hands placed around the cup of coffee from which he takes a sip from time to time. The guy moves some strands of hair back from his eyes and takes a sip of coffee, his eyes never leaving the page in front of him.
"He always sits there and reads a book," Yamamoto-san continues, and Jin keeps on staring at the guy while he dries a cup with a rag. "He has never tried the cakes though." Yamamoto-san seems to be displeased about that, but his usual good mood comes back soon after. "He's nice."
Jin finds himself nodding, staring at the guy; there's just something so mysterious about him that make it impossible for Jin to avert his gaze. Somehow, Jin finds the guy intriguing.
"Jin, you'll consume the cup if you keep on rubbing it."
Yamamoto-san's chuckle brings Jin back to reality, and he yelps a bit when he notices for how long he had been drying the same cup; he mutters something about not being able to focus and having the attention span of a kid before taking another cup and drying it as well while Yamamoto-san goes back to the kitchen still laughing.
When Jin looks at the guy after finishing off drying the clean cups and placing them on the wooden shelf behind him, the guy is staring back at him with deep brown eyes, and Jin feels like they are carving his skin into foreign patterns, leaving him naked and out of breath.
Just as he's going to avert his gaze - which is not as easy as it might be, he notices - the guy smiles at him before putting his leather jacket on, picking up his book and walking out of the café.
***
The guy comes back the day after, and even the day after that, just like Yamamoto-san said he would. Jin still thinks the guy is overly mysterious and there's no chance they could have a chat from time to time, but he doesn't mind; the business is slowly sinking, and the guy is almost the only customer they have anymore. Jin knows perfectly well that a single customer won't save the shop, but at least he can spare them the dread of seeing the café completely empty. It's not a big relief, but it's at least something.
The guy comes in everyday at the same time, always sits at the same table and, from what Jin knows at least, always reads the same book. He only drinks black coffee and never even tries to ask for a slice of cake; Jin doesn't know if he should feel offended about that or not, because he can't really accept the idea that there might be someone in this world who doesn't like cakes.
Still, having someone occupying a table in the café is becoming more and more rare nowadays, so Jin won't complain; he has learned when it's the time for more black coffee, and he walks over to the table when it is. The guy always smiles politely at him, but there's always some sort of distance between them that Jin can't understand, since they are almost the same age. The few times he had tried to exchange a few words, the guy had always been listening to him, but never answered back except for nodding politely and smiling a bit, so Jin gave up.
Jin wonders if their only customer has friends, because he's always alone. Since he rarely has something urgent to do anyway, Jin starts to speculate about the guy's life, trying to imagine how it could be.
He guesses the guy is an astronomy student or something equally strange, because he always carries with him the book about stars and, sometimes, he even has a sky map with him.
All in all, Jin finds the guy interesting.
***
For the first time in a whole week, the mysterious guy didn't come. Yamamoto-san sighs when the usual time of his arrival passes, and Jin looks at him only to see him shrug in his direction.
"He's nice," Yamamoto-san tells him. "And he's the only one who comes here anymore."
Jin detects the sad tone in his boss' voice, and bites his lips; he wishes he would be able to comfort the old man with his words, but he has never been really good with speeches and that kind of things, so he places a slice of blueberry cake on a plate and places it in front of the man, who smiles at him.
The atmosphere in the café is almost surreal, and although Jin has seen days with not so many customers already, there has never been a single one like this in all the time he has spent working there. It saddens him, because he feels like the café is his home, and he doesn't really want it to disappear and be forgotten. Jin hates this feeling of impotence that always strikes when he looks around the room and sees nobody. It's not very different when the mysterious guy is here, but it's something. After all, that guy is the living proof that there's still someone who appreciates the place (Jin is still a bit offended that the guy doesn't even want to taste his cakes though).
When the wind chimes hanging above the door make a crystal sound, both Jin and Yamamoto-san turn to the door, an expectant expression on their faces, and Yamamoto-san's lips curl in a smile when the mysterious guy walks in, wishing them 'good morning' with his usual polite smile.
"I thought you weren't coming today," the old man says, and Jin's almost startled when he hears the guy's chuckle.
"I had something to do," he explains briefly before walking to the usual table and sitting down.
Jin doesn't waste time and brings him the usual cup of black coffee, placing it in front of him and looking at the old, ruined cover of the book, which is laying still closed on the wooden table.
"So …" The mysterious guy lifts his head and looks at Jin, and once again Jin finds himself thinking that every movement the other makes is really elegant. It's something he had noticed already in the past days, but this is the first time he looks at the guy from this close up, at least after the first time he had seen him. "Are you an astronomy student?"
Jin finds himself asking the question before he can even stop himself; inside of himself, he knows the guy probably won't even bother to answer him, because it's always like that. Jin doesn't know if it's because he's shy or because he's just being cautious, but either way he's not expecting an answer.
Much to his surprise, though, the guy talks to him.
"No, I'm not."
It's a simple answer, but somehow Jin feels like he has just achieved something extremely difficult, so he smiles.
"Are you a star-freak then?" he blurts out soon after, and he can see with the corner of his eyes how Yamamoto-san is trying not to laugh behind the counter, and Jin wants to slap his mouth for what he has just said. The mysterious guy's presence alone won't save the café's business, but he can't let himself chase away the only customer they still have, not to mention the fact that Yamamoto-san seems to really like the guy, and Jin knows he would to anything to please him.
Once again, the guy surprises him by starting to laugh, and Jin is even more surprised by this reaction.
"Yes, something like that," the guy tells him between bursts of laughter, and Jin's face goes red in embarrassment. He mutters some excuse and quickly flees back behind the counter, where he feels safe again. Yamamoto-san chuckles a bit and pats him on the back before going back to the kitchen.
Jin thinks it should probably be better if he keeps the distance between them from now on, at least he'll manage not to say stupid things again.
***
"Jin, do you have a moment?" Yamamoto-san asks while closing the shop, and Jin nods, leaving the rag he's holding on the counter. Yamamoto-san points to a table, and Jin sits down in front of him.
Suddenly, Jin starts to feel uncomfortable; it's not the first time he talks with Yamamoto-san of course, but this time there's just something different in the air, as if everything was more solemn. Jin can't really guess what's happening, so he breathes in heavily and waits for Yamamoto-san to talk.
The man clears his throat while he nervously taps with his fingers on the surface, and Jin instantly realizes that this won't be a nice chat.
"As you know, the business isn't going well." Yamamoto-san starts, and Jin now has an idea where this is going to end, and he thinks he's so screwed. There's not much that he can do well in his life, he thinks, and if he loses this job he's not sure he'll be able to find another one, not to mention that he really loves the café. Yamamoto-san sighs. "I don't want to fire you, Jin, but the café can't go on with the income we have from Kamenashi-san alone."
"Kamenashi-san?" Jin asks.
"The star guy."
Jin nods, surprised that Yamamoto-san even knows the name of their only customer, since he barely talks. Then, before Yamamoto-san can speak again, Jin has an idea; he's not sure it's the smartest thing to do, but he doesn't even care at this rate. He'll find a solution.
"What if I work for half of the salary?" he blurts out, and Yamamoto-san's eyes go wide as he looks at Jin; Jin seems to be totally resolute about this.
"I can't let you do that," the man says soon after, and his eyes don't leave Jin's.
"I don't want to work in another place," Jin honestly tells him, and Yamamoto-san nods.
"I know, Jin, I know, but I can't allow that."
"Please?" Jin keeps on looking at the man sitting in front of him and, for the first time since he started working there, he sees him as tired and old. "I'll work it out somehow, I can manage!"
Yamamoto-san seems to falter for a slight moment then, and Jin tries again.
"I love this place, it's my home," he says. "I don't want it to close down and neither do I want to work for somewhere else."
"Are you sure it would be okay?" the man asks, and Jin nods resolutely. "I can't force you to live with half of the salary, Jin. I'll understand if you'll leave."
Jin looks at Yamamoto-san and smiles.
"I know. But I don't want to go anywhere else," he declares, and the man smiles faintly at him. "It's settled then!"
Jin claps his hands on his thighs and stands up, going back behind the counter to finish his tasks for the evening.
***
When Jin steps inside his home that night, he looks around; the place is not really that big, but his standard salary was barely enough to pay for the rent and his living expenses. Now that his salary has been cut, he doesn't really know what to do, but he's also sure that he'll find a solution somehow.
Renting another place is out of the question, since Jin already had troubles at the time finding a place with a decent rent, and he's not sure he would be able to find a cheaper one.
It's while he's under the shower jet that he thinks of a solution; the idea of living with someone else is not really appealing to him, but he can't find any other solution except finding a roommate to share the rent with.
Even if his place is not exactly a royal palace, there's still room for another person; the guest room Jin had been using as a closet for a while can be cleaned and used by another person, so it should be fine. The kitchen and the living room are not big as well, but it's enough for two people.
More than that, if Jin doesn't want to look for another job, he has no other choice.
When he steps out of the shower, he takes some paper sheets and writes an ad and his cell phone number; when he's done, he admires his work. It's not a masterpiece, but it'll do the job.
Jin really hopes to find someone quickly, especially someone personable and funny, because the last thing he needs is someone annoying living with him.
***
Yamamoto-san doesn't have any problems with Jin taping his ad under the cash register, and so Jin does. He's not sure many people will see it given the lack of customers they're facing nowadays, and trying never killed anyone.
"Good morning Akanishi-san."
Jin turns and looks at the door, where Kamenashi is standing with his usual polite smile, and he opens his eyes wide when the fact that Kamenashi has used his surname sinks in. He stutters back a greeting, still not believing his ears, and then, when he hears the alarm of the oven ringing, runs into the kitchen.
"How does he even know my name?" Jin asks Yamamoto-san, who's flipping through his notebook of receipts.
Yamamoto-san shrugs. "He asked and I told him."
Jin looks at him, and thinks that things are surely taking a strange path nowadays, but then realizes that working with Yamamoto-san had taught him that already years ago.
Jin smiles delighted when he sees that the sponge-cake is ready; he only needs to leave it there for ten minutes more before he can finally experiment with the idea he had the previous night while rolling around in his bed unable to sleep.
"Excuse me?"
When Jin and Yamamoto-san look outside the kitchen, Kamenashi is standing in front of the counter, a sheet of paper in his hands, and Jin hurries behind the counter.
"I'm sorry, I forgot about your coffee, I'll bring it in a minute!" He panics, but Kamenashi stops him before he can go on rambling.
"I saw this," he says, lifting the ad Jin had previously taped to the counter.
"Are you interested?" Jin asks, and in his mind this looks like the best solution he could have hoped for. Not that he knows Kamenashi, but at least he's not a total, complete stranger.
When Kamenashi nods, Jin tells him how much the rent would be, and waits for the other guy to take into consideration the idea; even if he know basically nothing about him, Jin thinks it would be nice to have him around. Kamenashi seems to be pondering Jin's offer, and for a brief moment Jin doubts he's going to take it, at least until the moment when Kamenashi smiles at him and tells him it's fine with him.
"Deal?" Jin asks, as if he couldn't believe his ears.
"Deal," Kamenashi repeats, and his smile this time is not only polite, but feels more real as well. Jin smiles widely then, bows a bit; he really is happy now. Things are going to work out in one way or another, and the fact that he has so soon found a roommate gives him a positive vibe for everything else as well.
"There's only one thing I'd like to know though," Jin says soon after, his tone turning serious again. Kamenashi raises his brown and waits for Jin to tell him what it is. "Your name?"
Kamenashi chuckles and smiles again then, stretching his hand for Jin to take it.
"Kamenashi," he says, and Jin feels that the name suits him. "Kamenashi Kazuya"
"Pleased to meet you," Jin tells him, and shakes his hand. He knows that Kamenashi knows his name already, so he doesn't introduce himself again, even if he probably should. "I'll be right back with your coffee!"
***
After several minutes, Jin walks over to Kamenashi, who's sitting at the usual table, with a tray, and Kamenashi looks at him with a questioning gaze when he sees him placing a small plate in front of him, next to the cup of hot coffee.
"I didn't order this," Kamenashi politely points out, frowning slightly, and Jin nods.
"I know." Jin looks at him. "But we're going to live together anyway, so I wanted you to taste this at least once."
Kamenashi looks at the plate in front of him before his gaze goes back to Jin, who has sat himself down in front of Kamenashi.
"It's a sponge-cake filled with strawberries and cream," Jin explains, and Kamenashi looks at the plate again. The slice of roll looks yummy, and it's accompanied by some whipped cream and an entire strawberry on the side. He looks at Jin once more before taking the small fork and cutting a portion of the roll with it.
Jin looks at his newfound roommate as he brings the fork to his mouth, waits for a reaction; he's curious, and he really wants to know what Kamenashi thinks about it.
He doesn't have to wait long though, because Kamenashi's face soon goes from a not-really-convinced expression to a completely blissful one; he puts in his mouth another piece of roll and closes his eyes.
When Jin hears him moan softly, his lips curling in a smile, he thinks they'll manage just fine together, but when Kamenashi opens his eyes again and smiles widely at him, Jin is sure they'll get along fine.
***
Jin spends the whole Sunday, his usual free day, cleaning the house and making space for Kame (as Kamenashi has ordered him to address him after eating the strawberry roll). He doesn't know exactly at which hour Kame will be here, but he wants him to have a good first impression of his new house. Jin doesn't know how the place Kame used to live looks in, but he knows his own is not really fancy, and the minimum he can do is clean it; Kame will have time to realize how messy Jin can be.
Jin spends the hours dusting and cleaning everywhere he can think of, moving his stuff from the guest room to his own and trying to find a place for everything. He doesn't remember having all that stuff, and he thinks that if things will keep going on that way, he'll probably need to sell some of it to make some money, and he sighs as he looks at his acoustic guitar, laying against the wall, next to the window.
He's dragged out of his thoughts when the doorbell rings, and he passes a hand through his hair while hurrying to the door.
Kame is there, a couple of not-so-big bags in his hands and a rucksack on his back, and Jin smiles as he lets him in.
Kame takes his time to look around as he slips out of his shoes in the genkan , and Jin nervously watches him.
"It's not a palace, I know," he hurries to say, taking the bags from Kame's hands.
"It's nice though," Kame replies, and Jin visibly relaxes.
"I'll show you your room!"
Jin makes his way over to it, and Kame follows him looking around.
"It's not really that big," Jin tells him when they are standing in the doorframe of Kame's new room. "I hope you'll be okay with it."
Kame smiles at him and walks into the room, and lets himself plop on the bed; he chuckles when his back makes contact with the mattress, and Jin smiles.
"I don't know where you used to live …" he says again, fidgeting "…and I know this is not really a fancy place, but I hope it'll be okay."
Kame straightens his back and looks at Jin, smiling, and Jin automatically smiles back. It's strange how often Kame has started to smile at him since they agreed to share the place, and it's not that Jin is going to complain. On the contrary, he has slowly discovered that seeing Kame smile makes him all warm inside and, every time, he can't help smiling back. No matter how bad his day had been, if Kame smiles at him, Jin knows everything will be okay.
Jin proceeds to show Kame the rest of the house, guiding him through the different rooms; it's not really a grand tour, but Jin likes to see the expressions on Kame's face when he explains how things work (like how to close the bathroom door decently, since it's almost broken) and where the different things he might need are.
"You could have used your key," Jin tells Kame once they find themselves sitting at the kitchen table, two cup of coffees in front of them; Kame drinks his black, as usual, while Jin pours in a huge quantity of sugar. "You live here after all."
"Are you trying to kill yourself with a sugar overdose?" Kame asks him, and that's when Jin notices that he's still filling his cup with sugar, so he curses softly, and Kame chuckles.
It's strange, hearing someone else in his apartment, Jin thinks. He thinks it won't be difficult to get used to it.
It's not that Jin is socially awkward or anything similar, but he spends most of his time lazing around his place when he's not at work, and even if, from time to time, he calls over some of his friends, he's mostly alone. He doesn't mind that much to be honest, he feels at ease when he's alone, because he doesn't need to fake a smile if he's having a bad day.
At the same time, Jin feels like it won't be difficult to get used to his new life with Kame; the guy seems to be nice and maybe even funny, and Jin is already growing attached to him for a reason he can't explain. Maybe because Kame's the only customer they still have at the café, maybe because he's mysterious or maybe, most probably, Jin thinks, it's because…well, because it's Kame.
"Is there a balcony here?" Kame suddenly asks, and Jin looks at him, nodding.
"There's a really small one off the living room," he tells him, not really knowing how this could be important. Then, he thinks back to how many times he had seen Kame reading books about stars, and Jin thinks he understands why now.
"Can I see it?" Kame asks again, gulping down the last sip of coffee from his cup.
"Sure, let's go!"
Jin guides Kame to the living room, opens the huge window and lets in some fresh air, and Kame walks out on the balcony.
The balcony is not really spacious, but there's room for two people and a small chair. Kame places his hands on the rail and looks in front of him before turning his gaze up towards the sky. The sun is setting by now, and the first stars are already coming out from their hiding places; Kame looks at the sky and smiles in delight.
"Perfect!" Jin hears him say, and a smile creeps on his lips.
The evening air is chilly, and Jin massages his arms with his hands, trying to warm them up since he's wearing only a t-shirt.
When Kame notices that Jin's shivering, he takes a last glance at the sky above them and walks inside, dragging Jin with him and closing the window behind them.
"I'm cooking dinner tonight," he announces, and Jin grins at him, following him into the kitchen.
Jin sits at the table after setting it for two, watching Kame as he fumbles with vegetables and rice.
"You didn't need to bring groceries," he tells him, and Kame shrugs, chopping some carrots.
"I didn't know what you had or what we are supposed to do with groceries and stuff, so …" he explains, and Jin hums in understanding.
Kame works fast to prepare the dinner, and Jin stays there, observing his fluid movements as he does so. They keep on chatting about small things, laughing like old friends and having a good time, and Jin realizes that his house is finally looking more like 'home' instead of a place to crash for the night.
He likes it a lot.
***
Living with Kame is not difficult at all, it's probably even easier than Jin had thought. Kame really is nice and funny, a bit reserved and never intrudes on Jin's spaces. He never leaves a mess around - there's already Jin for that, since he's the messier between the two - and he usually cooks for both of them. Jin's really glad about it, because apart from cakes he's not really a master chef, and he had spent most of his days eating precooked meals or instant ramen, so it's nice having someone cooking real food.
It's one of those details that make everything look more like home.
Jin doesn't know why he keeps on thinking about "home" more and more often nowadays, but he's starting to suspect that maybe that's what he's missing.
It's true that Jin feels like the café is his home, but he's seriously starting to take into consideration the idea that maybe what he needs is someone, more than something. Someone that makes him feel at home wherever he is.
When this kind of thoughts start flowing in Jin's mind, he usually goes to the kitchen and starts to bake a cake; since he had started to work at the café, baking cakes had always been his way to focus on something more pleasant when he's having thoughts he doesn't want to think about.
Kame soon becomes his guinea pig when Jin decides to bake something new, something not written on a recipe; it doesn't happen often, except that since Kame had come to live with him, it's starting to become almost a habit, and Jin slowly notices how he won't bake the same thing again if he doesn't have Kame's approval first.
Living together with Kame is nice, and things don't change much from how they were before in terms of everyday life; the café is still deserted almost every day. Kame has stopped going there every day, and Jin asks himself what is the other doing while he's there, looking at the painted mirror in front of the counter.
Maybe Kame has found a job, Jin thinks. After all, he needs to have money for the rent and everything else he might need, and Kame has never, not even once, been late with the payment of the rent. Jin has never asked what he's doing for a living, and sometimes he thinks that maybe he should have. Only that then, every time he sees Kame, the little tingle of anxiety goes away, suddenly, like smoke in the wind.
Jin's not sure why that is, but he knows what's going on; he knows he's growing attached to Kame really fast, and there's a part of him that is scared about that. He's been there already, and he knows what that means.
Kame doesn't talk a lot, but when he does, it's always nice; he always makes sure to have a kind word for Jin in the morning, when Jin's going out for work, or in the evening, when he comes back. He makes sure to prepare dinner and not to step into Jin's spaces when Jin's upset. Jin notices these little details, and the more days go by, the more Jin likes all the small attentions Kame gives him. At the same time though, he's scared of them; he knows he's growing attached to Kame already, and all those small gestures are not really helping him in trying to ignore the feeling that is slowly creeping into his heart. Jin tries not to think about it too much, but he barely succeeds, because when he finally thinks he's managing to cope with everything in the right way, there's always a small brush of fingers on his arms, a laugh or a small smile.
Jin bakes a lot more than usual lately.
***
It's raining outside, and the sound of the droplets of water smashing against the window of his room are preventing Jin from sleeping. It usually has the opposite effect, because Jin loves the music created by the rain against his windows, but for some reason tonight it's different.
Jin keeps on tossing and rolling in bed, sighing from time to time. He has found himself thinking about what Kame is doing and where he is more and more often recently, and it's scary. He doesn't need to fall in love now, he doesn't want to fall in love now.
It wouldn't be the first time, and that's exactly why Jin doesn't want to go through all that again. He's been questioning himself for a long time before finally getting back on his own feet again after the last break up, questioning if there might be something wrong with him, if he's doing something wrong. He still doesn't have an answer, because when Jin's in a relationship, he's completely involved in it. Still, he thinks there must be something he did wrong, and he doesn't want to try again, not now at least. He doesn't feel ready.
Not to mention that he doesn't even know if Kame cares about him that way anyway. There have been feather like touches during their baking sessions, but Jin is not even sure they were really there. Or if they have been completely accidental.
It's just that everything seems so easy now, and Jin finds himself falling down and down to the pit of a spiral that seems never ending. He's doing everything by himself, and he doesn't need more reasons to start to believe in something that's not even there.
Jin groans and sighs, kicking the cover away and walking to the kitchen; he looks for his cigarettes before going out on the small balcony.
The air is chilly, and Jin shivers in his simple t-shirt. He lights up the cigarette and inhales a long drag, looking at the sky. The stars are beautiful tonight, he thinks while looking at them, and somehow he thinks he can understand why Kame likes them so much.
Then, Jin remembers Yamamoto-san words about the stars knowing everything, and he's almost going to ask them for help, for a small suggestion, when he hears Kame's voice coming from his room. The voice is muffled and the tone sounds serious; Jin can't hear it very well, so understanding what Kame is talking about is difficult. As soon as he notices where his thoughts are going, Jin wants to slap himself; if there's something he has always hated, that's people not minding their own business. The truth is that even if they've been living together for a couple of weeks, Jin has realized that he knows barely anything about Kame. He doesn't know where he works, if he works, who his friends are. He doesn't even know where Kame is from. It's just that there's something that stops Jin from asking, each and every time he starts. He doesn't want to be intrusive, so if Kame won't tell him, then he won't ask, no matter how curious he is.
Jin lets the indistinct sound of Kame's voice lull him, let him bring his mind far away and into the deep space, and he suddenly feels like flying.
"You can't sleep?"
Kame voice suddenly being so close startles Jin, who yelps and turns to the window; Kame's smiling, his hand placed on the window frame as he stares at Jin.
Jin looks at him for a while, and wonders how is it even possible to feel like this in such a short time. He doesn't even know why it is Kame, it's probably that Kame makes him feel good, feel relaxed. Being close to him is nice.
Jin throws the cigarette butt in the ashtray and sighs.
"Just some thoughts I can't chase away," he tells Kame before turning to look at the sky, and he hears Kame approaching him, until the guy's leaning on the rail as well, his shoulder bumping into Jin's, and Jin shivers, wondering if Kame has an idea of the effect his presence has on Jin.
"When I can't sleep, I look at the stars." Kame's eyes are fixed on the sky above them, and Jin studies his profile for a moment, following the bump of his nose and his lips. Kame's not a conventional beauty, but he has an elegance and a strength that is difficult to ignore. "That's my favorite one."
Kame points his finger right in front of them, and Jin follows it, looking at the star Kame's pointing at; it's the brightest he can see at the moment, right there, in front of him. Jin has the strange feeling that star is trying to tell him something.
"Why's it your favorite?" he asks, and he's not sure there's a real answer to his question. He's not sure how someone could pick a favorite star in all of the firmament, but then he remembers how passionate Kame is about stars, and he wonders if people can't understand his own passion for music and cakes.
Kame shrugs at Jin's question, slipping a cigarette out of Jin's packet and lighting up. Jin does the same then, waiting for Kame to explain.
"It's called Aldebaran," Kame suddenly says, his eyes never leaving the sky. "It's the brightest star of the Taurus constellation."
Jin thinks that the star's name rings a bell before he remembers that he had read it on the cover of the book Kame always brought with him at the café. He sits on the small wicker chair in the corner of the balcony and takes a drag from his cigarette, while Kame doesn't move from his spot.
"It's the Arabic way to say 'the follower'" Kame goes on, "because Aldebaran follows the Pleiades."
Kame takes a drag from his cigarette before he turns to look at Jin, who's gazing back at him; then, he turns again to look at the sky.
"Maybe I like it because I feel like I've been following something for my whole life," Kame whispers, and Jin would like to ask him who are his Pleiades, but manages to stay silent. He almost feels like congratulating himself, because most of the time he can't restrain himself; Jin has always been someone who blurts out whatever is on his mind, and it's not always been the smartest thing to do, he knows that. He has noticed how he's being more careful around Kame though, but he knows he can't lower his focus or else he'll say something he might regret.
He comes back to his senses when he feels Kame sitting on the armrest of the small chair, just next to him; Kame's thigh is mere centimeters away from Jin's hand, and Jin feels himself staring at it, a sudden urge to place his hand on it.
Kame starts to talk again, telling Jin about Aldebaran's characteristics - Jin feels a bit lost then -, and its astrological meaning. Jin drinks in each and every word Kame says, looking at him, and it doesn't take him long to notice the small hint of sadness and melancholy in Kame's eyes. Jin wonders why, but he doesn't ask.
Sometimes, Jin has the feeling that Kame's attraction to stars has a meaning, something he can't understand, something creeping in Kame's heart and soul more than he can understand, more than he can even try to understand. Sometimes, when Jin looks at him, Kame seems to be far, far away in a way Jin can't grasp.
Jin keeps on listening to Kame talking about stars and, particularly, Aldebaran. He can understand and remember less than half of the things Kame's telling him, but he doesn't mind. It feels good being like that, Kame talking to him like that, the sound of his voice wrapping around Jin while he sits there. They both keep on staring at the sky while Kame talks, and Jin has the feeling that Kame is revealing something to him, something he keeps buried in his soul, but no matter how much he tries, Jin can't understand.
By the time Kame stops talking about Aldebaran, the sun is rising and the sky is an explosion of colors in front of them.
***
It's a mystery how neither of them falls sick after that whole night spent on the balcony; Jin goes to work like usual and, like usual, business isn't going well. No matter how much he and Yamamoto-san try to think about a solution, no matter how many new recipes Jin creates in order to bring back the appeal of the place and bring back its old splendor, nothing seems to work.
Kame still spends some of his time at the café, reading and staring at his map, which is now worn out given how many times the guy has folded and unfolded it, his fingers following a path he's the only one able to see.
When even Kame leaves the café, all Jin can do is stare at the wall in front of the counter, trying to find a solution while the café slowly sinks.
***
It's raining outside, and Jin had noticed how Kame had spent their whole dinner vaguely glancing at the window, trying to see the stars which are obviously covered by the clouds.
Every time Jin tries to start a small talk topic, it soon dies. Even if Jin knows Kame is not in the mood for talkings, he can't really shut up. There's this slight pang in his heart while he looks at Kame being this distressed and melancholic, like there's something bugging him.
"Are you okay?"Jin's voice is almost a whisper, but he knows Kame has heard anyway. It takes him a bit longer than usual to answer, but then Kame smiles faintly at him and nods.
"Yes," he tells Jin. "It's only that rain makes me a bit melancholic."
Jin hums in understanding before he suddenly stands up from his chair and grabs Kame's wrist, dragging him to sit on the couch in the living room before he disappears into his room.
Kame is still trying to understand what's going on when Jin appears once again in front of him, his arms wrapped around his acoustic guitar. He sits on the floor, his back laying against the armchair, in front of Kame, and starts to play random chords. He sees how Kame looks surprised, but he also notices how the guy makes himself more and more comfortable with the chords slowly floating around them, the soft sounds of the rain spattering against the window as background.
Then, Jin's fingers caress the strings of his guitar before he starts to play a song, his voice joining the music soon after. He has closed his eyes by now, letting himself be absorbed by the music and the words, and when the song ends he keeps them closed for a little longer.
When he opens them, Kame is staring at him with a smile from the couch, and Jin feels his cheeks burning in embarrassment, because he feels exposed. It's always like that when he plays, but he usually does it when he's alone. It's happened before that he has played with his friends, of course it had, but the atmosphere had always been different from now. Not to mention the fact that the songs he plays with his friends are different, because it's not his soul and his heart he's exposing then. No matter how many times Ueda, one of his best friends, has asked him to hear his songs, Jin had always refused.
Now it's different though.
Jin is not sure why he had started to play one of his own songs, but he did and it's too late now to go back in time, especially since he can still feel Kame's burning stare on his skin.
"Did you write it?" Kame asks him after a while, and Jin feels like hiding somewhere. He feels naked like never before, completely lost like a child, and he can't even find the words to answer that simple question, so he just nods. When Kame stays silent, Jin lifts his face and looks at him, waiting as he bites his lower lip, and he's confused because he doesn't know since when Kame's approval on nearly everything has become this important. First it was with the cakes, now apparently with his music, and as if it wasn't enough that he had actually played one of his own songs for Kame, now he realises he's expecting to know what Kame thinks about it.
"I loved it."
Jin looks straight at Kame's face, trying to gauge how sincere his words are. He's not doubting Kame, he's not, but his self confidence is not really his best point. There's a part of him that wants to believe Kame, but there's another one, more annoying and insistent, that tells him that Kame might have said that only to please him.
When Jin looks in Kame's eyes, though, the only things he sees is that the melancholy which had previously stained Kame's eyes is not there anymore, washed away by his words and his music, and Jin can't help feeling happy about that.
Before Jin can say anything, Kame disappears in the kitchen, where the table is still messy from their dinner, and comes back several minutes later with two cups of hot chocolate. He sits down on the floor, next to Jin, and once again his shoulder bumps into Jin's as he does so, handing Jin one of the two cups. Jin asks himself if Kame had done it on purpose; the light touches are happening more and more often, and there's a part of Jin that tells him it's not by mistake.
Jin murmurs a quick "thank you" while he takes his cup from Kame's hands, and he feels Kame's fingers lingering on his for what might be longer than normal for two friends. His head shoots up and he looks at Kame, who's smiling peacefully, staring at the wall in front of them.
"I could play you something every time it rains," Jin whispers, and Kame sighs in delight.
"It would be nice."
***
Things haven't changed since that rainy evening, but Jin feels like there's a brand new connection linking him to Kame. It's something he can't explain, something small and fragile, almost intangible, but it's definitely there.
Jin would really like to ask Kame if he feels it as well, but he's afraid about Kame's reaction, about how that question might force him to talk about other stuff, other feelings, the very same ones he's trying his best not to allow to surface. He doesn't know if he's managing, but Kame hasn't said anything about that until now, so Jin's hoping he's being able to hide everything.
He doesn't want things between them to turn complicated, to change. No matter how difficult it's becoming with the days passing by, Jin doesn't want his feelings for Kame to change things between them. He feels comfortable with Kame, and if he has to deny and ignore his feelings in order to let things continue to feel nice, then he will.
It wouldn't be the first time something like this happens in his life anyway, and his feelings have always ruined it before, and if he just also ignores the fact that even though his feelings for Kame are different from every other time he has felt like that, then Jin can do it.
The fact is that he doesn't really know how to move around Kame anymore, because his heart starts pounding faster and faster every time Kame's around him, every time he talks or smiles, every time he calls Jin's name. There's always this force engulfing Jin and trapping him when Kame's around, something that tells him to touch the other, even slightly, to look at him, to memorize everything he can and never let him go.
And it's starting to be so difficult that Jin doesn't know what to do.
The more Jin thinks about it, the more the only solution he can find is accepting his feelings and acting according to them. Not telling Kame about them, not necessarily, but not even trying to avoid them (or Kame, for that matter). It's the only thing he can think of, so he decides to act accordingly, hoping for things to turn easier, at least in his heart.
***
"You're in love!" Yamamoto-san suddenly says, and Jin almost burns himself with the baking tray he's pulling out of the oven. It's another boring day at work; they had a few customers, but nothing that might really help them, and by now Kame is the only customer they have sitting in the café, as usual.
Jin looks at the man with a surprised face before he blushes, stuttering something that doesn't make sense. He knows there's no chance he might deny it now; he has been working with Yamamoto-san for years now, and it's not the first time the man is the witness of Jin's love life. There's no point in denying it.
"I'm happy for you," Yamamoto-san adds, and Jin smiles faintly at him while sitting on the stool next to the metallic table in the kitchen.
"Thanks," he mumbles, but he's not sure he means it, "but I'm not sure there's something to be happy about."
Yamamoto-san looks at him like a loving father would look at his child, and caresses Jin's hair for a moment before speaking again.
"Being in love is always a reason to be happy," he says, and Jin would really like to believe his words. "I know it seems easier said than done, but as long as the person you love is happy, you'll be as well."
Jin looks at Yamamoto-san, wondering about the words the old man just said, trying to make them fit his feelings.
"And whenever you'll feel lost, look at the stars," Yamamoto-san adds. "They always have the answers to everything."
Then, the man approaches Jin even more closely and places his hands on Jin's shoulders, whispering in his ears.
"It's Kamenashi, right?" he asks, and Jin yelps and blinks several times.
"Is it that obvious?" he asks then, defiance written all over his face, and Yamamoto-san chuckles a bit, patting his shoulders.
"A bit, but fear not Jin."
"Why not?" Jin asks, his shoulders slumping down. He doesn't care if Yamamoto-san knows, but if it's that obvious, then the man is probably not the only one who has noticed, and Jin can't let Kame know. He's still not ready to face him, not yet. He's not ready to be rejected.
Yamamoto-san doesn't answer, he only looks at Jin and smiles knowingly before leaving the kitchen, and Jin sighs heavily, resuming his baking.
***
As much as Jin wants to trust both himself and Yamamoto-san, loving is not easy. It doesn't matter that he has promised himself to act according to his feelings, not to let them stand in the way of his friendship with Kame, not to care, because the truth is that he does, he cares so much that it hurts. He's always afraid of telling something wrong, of doing something wrong, and he doesn't know what to do.
Jin is starting to think that it might be best to tell Kame the truth; things would probably fall apart then, but Jin can't be sure they won't anyway, given how difficult it is trying not to touch Kame when he's close or let his stare linger on him more than he should.
Every time Kame is near, Jin feels his head spinning, his breath caught in his throat, and it's both painful and great at the same time. It's strange how he's living the best and the worst time of his life at the same time; Jin would have never thought something like this would be possible.
Things are usually a bit worst in the evenings, when Jin's laying in his bed and he can hear Kame talking on the other side of the wall. He never understands what Kame is saying, but recently Jin has started to hear the other voice as well. It's a male voice, and Jin can't deny that every time he hears it there's a small pang in his heart, like a small fracture going deeper and deeper every time he hears the other voice. He wants to know who the other person is, if it's a friend or something more, but at the same time he's not sure he'd be able to handle the truth.
Jin wonders when this person comes in, because he has never heard the door opening or closing when Kame was already in there, and it's strange.
The apartment is on the second floor of a building, so coming in from a window is out of the question. There are so many things Jin would like to know, but he's so afraid of asking them, so he usually lays in bed and tries to distract himself from what's going on on the other side of the wall. It's not easy, but sometimes Jin manages. He builds his own fantasy where he and Kame are happy together, without the need to deny feelings and restrain actions.
Sometimes it works.
Part 2
Author: wintersdancer
Pairing: Akame
Word count: 31,020 words
Rating: NC-17
Genre/Warnings: AU, romance, (slight) angst
Notes: Dear becroberts, honestly speaking I was really scared when I read the email with my assignment for the exchange. That's because I remember reading your fics and that they left me totally amazed and speechless. I did my best in writing this fic, and I really hope you'll like it at least a tiny bit. In the end, it was a pleasure to write for you :)
Thanks a lot to my lovely beta and a lot of other people (you know who you are) for coping with my panic attacks during the writing of this fic.
Summary: Jin had always thought that life is all about meeting people, getting to know them, falling in and out of love before having a sad ending that only brings an air of melancholy with itself, but things changed when he met him.
"Akanishi-kun! Two blueberry cakes at table number three, one cheesecake and a coffee at table number six and there are some tables that need to be cleaned."
"Got it!" Jin yells through the small and crowded café he works at, wondering what is happening today; he's been working there since his graduation, and he has never seen so many people gathered there, all at the same time.
Jin loves his job; it's not what his parents would have hoped for, but he doesn't care. His colleagues have been nice and the place is comfortable; there's rarely some annoying customer, and even at those times, Jin always manages his best to be polite no matter what happens. It had taken him a lot of time and effort not to get worked up during his encounters with rude people, but now it's fine, he can manage.
The only thing he can't understand though, is why there's so many people in the café today. There's nothing special going on, and as much as the café is a nice place - one of those small, cozy places with wooden tables and soft music playing in the background like the ones he would have avoided like the plague when he was a high school student - he still can't understand all the general excitement.
It's true that their coffee is special and their cakes are "so delicious that they taste like they're from another world" (Jin still remembers the smile on that woman's lips when she told him that), but it had never been so famous as to gather huge crowds.
Not that Jin minds that much to be honest, because if more people finally start to recognize their place as a lovely one, maybe they'll be able to avoid closing down soon.
The truth is that the café's business isn't going that well, Jin knows it. His boss is not exactly keeping it secret from his staff, but he's quietly mentioned to Jin that they'll probably have to close the business after 50 years of activity.
When Jin thinks about it, he's sad. It's not like he's the owner, but the café feels like home to him by now, and he has learned so many things in there that he doesn't want the place to disappear just like that.
The boss is the one that taught him how to bake cakes, the very same cakes that make the place special, and Jin can't find anything else in the world that makes him feel better than baking; music is the only other thing that makes him feel so alive like that.
It's not that he's depressed or sad with his current life, no not at all, but there's always this permanent feeling of melancholy following him around, like there's something missing. Until now, Jin hasn't been able to find out what it is.
Working at the "Via Lactea café" is the only thing that manages to subdue that feeling, at least for a while.
Jin still remembers very well the first time he had been there, during a cold, winter evening. It was his last year of high school, and he was struggling with his own inner self, trying to sort out his sexuality. It hadn't been easy, and in a moment of despair he had been walking randomly through the cold city, before seeing the shiny sign of the café. He hadn't thought twice before stepping in, the sparkling stars hanging from the deep blue ceiling and the ones projected on the walls instantly making him comfortable. He sat in the corner, as far as he could from the counter and the door, and waited, not really knowing for what.
Until Yamamoto-san, the owner, had placed a slice of strawberry cake in front of him even before he had the time to ask for something, telling him he would feel better after eating it. Jin had looked up at the smiling man then, his brows quirked as he tentatively tasted the cake, discovering soon after that the man was right.
Jin thinks that might have been the moment when he had decided what he wanted to do with his life, right there and then, under the fake stars. He had discovered he wanted to make people feel better, just as it happened to him that day, when he had finally felt good about himself. If he thinks about it now, it's funny how he had been hopelessly looking for help at the time, trying to understand himself in order to be able to understand others better as well; it's funny how the help he thought he wasn't meant to have, had came to him through a slice of cake and an old, unknown man.
Jin thinks that maybe everything started that day; his resolutions in life, his will to get better and make others feel at ease, and that's probably why he's gone there almost every day since, even finding himself working there soon after graduation.
The "Via Lactea café" is not big nor fancy, but it's cozy and comfortable and it smells like home to Jin. The sparkling stars are still hanging from the ceiling - which Jin helped to paint again after his hiring. The projector isn't working anymore, but Yamamoto-san found several pictures of stars and galaxies to hang on the walls, so the feeling is still very similar to what Jin had felt the first time he had entered.
He doesn't exactly know why Yamamoto-san hired him at the time (he had said later that Jin's full of potential), but he's not going to complain. He loves his job and loves every moment spent in the shop; he loves it when his hands are mixing the dough as he hums some foreign song in the back of the small kitchen, the feeling of the mix on his fingers making him feel instantly better, and he loves when he has to walk between the small tables, greeting the customers with a warm smile and receiving one back as well.
Smiles from strangers make him feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
With time, Jin now is able to remember some of their usual customers, and this gives him the chance to have some small talks from time to time; it's never anything too deep or personal, just a small and light chat about everything and nothing while he serves them their cakes and coffees (blueberry cake and a cappuccino for the office lady who works down the street, strawberry cake and a hot chocolate for the man who works in the bookshop next door and a small slice of cheesecake for the student from the Medical School that comes from time to time). He might be wrong, but Jin likes to think that he's doing something to help them all have a better day.
He really hopes so, because he feels like they are his only purpose in life at the moment.
***
Jin is washing some bowls in the kitchen after closing time -the shutter is down already; he has taken care of the tables and of the counter, so now all that's left is to prepare the dough for tomorrow and wash the bowls and other utensils.
Yamamoto-san silently slips into the kitchen and sits on a stool, watching Jin as he takes care of everything before Jin serves him a slice of chocolate cake with some whipped cream on the side, and the man smiles.
Yamamoto-san is an old man with kind eyes and grey hair, a man that has been watching Jin for years now, helping him grow up both professionally and personally, and Jin admires the man's ability to always speak the right amount of words. There hasn't been a time, not even a single one, when something that was meant to be said had been left unspoken or that more words than necessary had been used to tell what was on his mind.
The silence between them is comfortable, and Jin likes it, because it makes him feel peaceful.
"This is really good!" Yamamoto-san tells Jin after tasting the cake, and Jin beams; having his boss' approval for a cake he baked is something that always makes him happy, and Jin had come to realize that he had sought for Yamamoto-san's approval more often than his own father's.
When Jin finishes his ministrations, he sits down on a stool next to Yamamoto-san and watches him as he eats the cake, smiling and licking his lips.
"You've grown to be a wonderful pastry chef, Jin."
Yamamoto-san places the empty plate on the metallic table of the laboratory and looks at Jin with serious eyes.
"You're probably the best pastry chef around by now."
Jin can see how serious the man is, but he feels like what he's saying is not the truth.
"I could be better," he tells him, and Yamamoto-san nods.
"Yes, you could. You have the talent, Jin. Don't waste it." Yamamoto-san looks at him with fond eyes. "But most of all, you have the passion."
Jin chuckles, embarrassed, and scratches his nape with his right hand and avoids the man's gaze; he doesn't know why, but he always feels under pressure when Yamamoto-san's looking at him like that, when he compliments him like that.
It's only that Jin doesn't have a high self confidence, he knows that very well. He always tries to be as objective as he can when thinking about himself, but it's not easy. He's working on it though, and he's sure he can do better.
For now, though, he'll be okay with changing the topic and trying to avoid the speech he knows Yamamoto-san will soon make. He can feel it, he can sense that there's something different in the man's voice over the last couple of weeks. It's not necessarily something bad, but somehow Jin doesn't feel like he's ready to know what it is.
"I always wanted to ask …" Jin starts, and he clearly sees the man's eyes lighting up in curiosity. "Why the stars?"
Yamamoto-san chuckles and places himself better on the stool.
"I never told you?"
Jin shakes his head and waits for an answer.
"Many years ago I was struggling to find out what my purpose in life was," he says. "I was lost, completely lost. I didn't know what to do in my life and with my life. One night, after a big crisis, my wife came to me and told me to look at the stars because they always have an answer."
Jin notices how Yamamoto-san's eyes grow clouded with sadness for a moment when he talks about his wife, and Jin really regrets that she had died before he could have met her, even if only once.
"And so I did," Yamamoto-san continues. "I looked up at the stars that night, and I decided. That's how I knew I wanted to open a small café and try to make people feel better with my cakes."
Jin opens his eyes wide, listening to him. He had always thought of Yamamoto-san as a man who ponders everything thoroughly before taking action, so the story sounds almost incredible to Jin's ears. When Yamamoto-san looks at him and sees the surprised expression on his face, he chuckles softly.
"Your wife was an awesome person," Jin says then, and Yamamoto-san's eyes are soft and warm now, filled with love. As he watches him, Jin thinks he can seriously feel the love Yamamoto-san still has for his wife, as if it was something palpable in the air, and he wishes to feel something at least remotely close to that some day.
"Yes, she was."
Yamamoto-san turns and looks at the wall-clock hanging above the door, clapping his hands on his knees and standing up from the stool.
"It's late already," he says. "Go home, I'll finish here."
Jin is on the verge of saying that it's not necessary, but Yamamoto-san doesn't let him.
"Go, Jin. I'll see you tomorrow."
Jin bows then, leaving the rag he used to clean the kitchen on the metallic table before hanging his blue apron on the rack and bowing.
"Good night."
"Good night, Jin."
Jin's almost out of the door already when he hears Yamamoto-san calling him back, so he peeks his head inside the kitchen again, a few strands of dark hair falling over his eyes.
"Remember, Jin. The stars have all the answers." Yamamoto-san looks fondly at him. "Don't you ever forget that."
"I won't." Jin smiles back, before going out into the night. He stops to look up at the strange sky; it has red nuances, and Jin thinks he has never seen something this odd before. He looks at it for several moments before slipping his hands in the pockets of his jacket, and walks away.
***
Jin doesn't see Yamamoto-san the next morning and not even the one after that, since he's forced into bed with a bad case of the flu that doesn't let him rest easily. He almost feels guilty while he calls in sick, but Yamamoto-san tells him it's okay and that he should think only about resting and eating properly for once 'instead of those precooked meal you always have'. Jin scoffs, but smiles at the same time hearing the mocking tone in the man's voice. He really likes the relationship they have built during the years; it's not only a boss-employee relationship, it's much more than that, and it's the closest thing Jin has ever had to a father-son relationship.
It's not that things are bad with his family, no, but he just can't bring himself to talk with them about things, personal things, while it has always been so easy to do it with Yamamoto-san, and Jin often wonders where would he be now if he didn't step into the café that winter night.
Any time he tries to find an answer, he gives up soon after.
In his mind, it's not important anymore.
-*-
When Jin goes back to work after a whole week of staying at home, he feels regenerated. In the moment when he steps into the café, the smell of cakes make its way to his nostrils, and he sighs in delight. He had missed the place during that single week he hadn't been there, and he wonders how is it even possible to miss something so much in such a short time.
He slips into the kitchen to see if there's something to do in there, but apparently there are cakes enough for now, so he goes back to the front of the café, waiting for customers.
The day is lazy though, and there's even less people than usual coming in.
"Is something wrong?" Jin asks Yamamoto-san when he has the chance, because even if they have days when almost no one comes in from time to time, Jin feels like there's something different this time.
The man looks at him, smiling sadly before telling him that a cake shop has opened just down the road; he explains that the cakes at the new place are apparently good and cheaper, so most of the people have stopped coming here because of that.
"They're not homemade like ours though," he adds soon after, a sour look cast on his face. "On a brighter note!" Yamamoto-san trills then, and Jin chuckles at the sudden change of atmosphere. "We gained a new customer."
He winks in Jin's direction before checking the time on the wall clock hanging above the counter.
"It's time for his second round of coffee now", he tells Jin, who stares back at him before he lets his gaze wander through the room in search of the new customer. "He likes it black."
Jin walks behind the counter, pouring some coffee in a cup before placing it on the tray and walks towards the most secluded corner of the café, the very same one he had occupied that winter evening.
Sitting there, half hidden by a wooden column, there's a guy about his age. His leather jacket is carefully placed on the chair on the other side of the small table, and he seems to be engrossed in reading a book.
"Here's your coffee, Sir." Jin places the cup on the table, careful not to damage the book, and that's when the other guy lifts his head, a surprised expression on his face before his lips curls into a tiny smile.
"Thank you," he says politely, and when he looks Jin straight in his eyes, Jin can study him; the guy looks slightly younger than him, and his dark hair frames his face. His nose is a bit crooked, but Jin thinks it really suits the guy, and he only notices how he has been staring when the guy slowly raises a brow, looking at him questioningly.
Jin bows then, rushing back behind the counter and muttering curses under his breath for his little slip; he has never done something like that previously, something like staring at a customer for longer than necessary, and he can't really understand why he did it this time. Then, the memory of the guy's eyes flash for a moment in his mind, and he thinks he has never seen more expressive eyes before in his whole life. It's like there's a mysterious light in them, something Jin can't clearly understand but that is magnetic and fascinating at the same time.
"He comes here every day, ever since the day you called in sick." Jin's startled by the sudden presence of Yamamoto-san at his side, and when the old man chuckles, Jin groans. "He reads and drinks two coffees."
Jin carefully looks at the guy, who's the only customer in the shop at the moment; he's focused on the book in front of him, one of his hands placed around the cup of coffee from which he takes a sip from time to time. The guy moves some strands of hair back from his eyes and takes a sip of coffee, his eyes never leaving the page in front of him.
"He always sits there and reads a book," Yamamoto-san continues, and Jin keeps on staring at the guy while he dries a cup with a rag. "He has never tried the cakes though." Yamamoto-san seems to be displeased about that, but his usual good mood comes back soon after. "He's nice."
Jin finds himself nodding, staring at the guy; there's just something so mysterious about him that make it impossible for Jin to avert his gaze. Somehow, Jin finds the guy intriguing.
"Jin, you'll consume the cup if you keep on rubbing it."
Yamamoto-san's chuckle brings Jin back to reality, and he yelps a bit when he notices for how long he had been drying the same cup; he mutters something about not being able to focus and having the attention span of a kid before taking another cup and drying it as well while Yamamoto-san goes back to the kitchen still laughing.
When Jin looks at the guy after finishing off drying the clean cups and placing them on the wooden shelf behind him, the guy is staring back at him with deep brown eyes, and Jin feels like they are carving his skin into foreign patterns, leaving him naked and out of breath.
Just as he's going to avert his gaze - which is not as easy as it might be, he notices - the guy smiles at him before putting his leather jacket on, picking up his book and walking out of the café.
***
The guy comes back the day after, and even the day after that, just like Yamamoto-san said he would. Jin still thinks the guy is overly mysterious and there's no chance they could have a chat from time to time, but he doesn't mind; the business is slowly sinking, and the guy is almost the only customer they have anymore. Jin knows perfectly well that a single customer won't save the shop, but at least he can spare them the dread of seeing the café completely empty. It's not a big relief, but it's at least something.
The guy comes in everyday at the same time, always sits at the same table and, from what Jin knows at least, always reads the same book. He only drinks black coffee and never even tries to ask for a slice of cake; Jin doesn't know if he should feel offended about that or not, because he can't really accept the idea that there might be someone in this world who doesn't like cakes.
Still, having someone occupying a table in the café is becoming more and more rare nowadays, so Jin won't complain; he has learned when it's the time for more black coffee, and he walks over to the table when it is. The guy always smiles politely at him, but there's always some sort of distance between them that Jin can't understand, since they are almost the same age. The few times he had tried to exchange a few words, the guy had always been listening to him, but never answered back except for nodding politely and smiling a bit, so Jin gave up.
Jin wonders if their only customer has friends, because he's always alone. Since he rarely has something urgent to do anyway, Jin starts to speculate about the guy's life, trying to imagine how it could be.
He guesses the guy is an astronomy student or something equally strange, because he always carries with him the book about stars and, sometimes, he even has a sky map with him.
All in all, Jin finds the guy interesting.
***
For the first time in a whole week, the mysterious guy didn't come. Yamamoto-san sighs when the usual time of his arrival passes, and Jin looks at him only to see him shrug in his direction.
"He's nice," Yamamoto-san tells him. "And he's the only one who comes here anymore."
Jin detects the sad tone in his boss' voice, and bites his lips; he wishes he would be able to comfort the old man with his words, but he has never been really good with speeches and that kind of things, so he places a slice of blueberry cake on a plate and places it in front of the man, who smiles at him.
The atmosphere in the café is almost surreal, and although Jin has seen days with not so many customers already, there has never been a single one like this in all the time he has spent working there. It saddens him, because he feels like the café is his home, and he doesn't really want it to disappear and be forgotten. Jin hates this feeling of impotence that always strikes when he looks around the room and sees nobody. It's not very different when the mysterious guy is here, but it's something. After all, that guy is the living proof that there's still someone who appreciates the place (Jin is still a bit offended that the guy doesn't even want to taste his cakes though).
When the wind chimes hanging above the door make a crystal sound, both Jin and Yamamoto-san turn to the door, an expectant expression on their faces, and Yamamoto-san's lips curl in a smile when the mysterious guy walks in, wishing them 'good morning' with his usual polite smile.
"I thought you weren't coming today," the old man says, and Jin's almost startled when he hears the guy's chuckle.
"I had something to do," he explains briefly before walking to the usual table and sitting down.
Jin doesn't waste time and brings him the usual cup of black coffee, placing it in front of him and looking at the old, ruined cover of the book, which is laying still closed on the wooden table.
"So …" The mysterious guy lifts his head and looks at Jin, and once again Jin finds himself thinking that every movement the other makes is really elegant. It's something he had noticed already in the past days, but this is the first time he looks at the guy from this close up, at least after the first time he had seen him. "Are you an astronomy student?"
Jin finds himself asking the question before he can even stop himself; inside of himself, he knows the guy probably won't even bother to answer him, because it's always like that. Jin doesn't know if it's because he's shy or because he's just being cautious, but either way he's not expecting an answer.
Much to his surprise, though, the guy talks to him.
"No, I'm not."
It's a simple answer, but somehow Jin feels like he has just achieved something extremely difficult, so he smiles.
"Are you a star-freak then?" he blurts out soon after, and he can see with the corner of his eyes how Yamamoto-san is trying not to laugh behind the counter, and Jin wants to slap his mouth for what he has just said. The mysterious guy's presence alone won't save the café's business, but he can't let himself chase away the only customer they still have, not to mention the fact that Yamamoto-san seems to really like the guy, and Jin knows he would to anything to please him.
Once again, the guy surprises him by starting to laugh, and Jin is even more surprised by this reaction.
"Yes, something like that," the guy tells him between bursts of laughter, and Jin's face goes red in embarrassment. He mutters some excuse and quickly flees back behind the counter, where he feels safe again. Yamamoto-san chuckles a bit and pats him on the back before going back to the kitchen.
Jin thinks it should probably be better if he keeps the distance between them from now on, at least he'll manage not to say stupid things again.
***
"Jin, do you have a moment?" Yamamoto-san asks while closing the shop, and Jin nods, leaving the rag he's holding on the counter. Yamamoto-san points to a table, and Jin sits down in front of him.
Suddenly, Jin starts to feel uncomfortable; it's not the first time he talks with Yamamoto-san of course, but this time there's just something different in the air, as if everything was more solemn. Jin can't really guess what's happening, so he breathes in heavily and waits for Yamamoto-san to talk.
The man clears his throat while he nervously taps with his fingers on the surface, and Jin instantly realizes that this won't be a nice chat.
"As you know, the business isn't going well." Yamamoto-san starts, and Jin now has an idea where this is going to end, and he thinks he's so screwed. There's not much that he can do well in his life, he thinks, and if he loses this job he's not sure he'll be able to find another one, not to mention that he really loves the café. Yamamoto-san sighs. "I don't want to fire you, Jin, but the café can't go on with the income we have from Kamenashi-san alone."
"Kamenashi-san?" Jin asks.
"The star guy."
Jin nods, surprised that Yamamoto-san even knows the name of their only customer, since he barely talks. Then, before Yamamoto-san can speak again, Jin has an idea; he's not sure it's the smartest thing to do, but he doesn't even care at this rate. He'll find a solution.
"What if I work for half of the salary?" he blurts out, and Yamamoto-san's eyes go wide as he looks at Jin; Jin seems to be totally resolute about this.
"I can't let you do that," the man says soon after, and his eyes don't leave Jin's.
"I don't want to work in another place," Jin honestly tells him, and Yamamoto-san nods.
"I know, Jin, I know, but I can't allow that."
"Please?" Jin keeps on looking at the man sitting in front of him and, for the first time since he started working there, he sees him as tired and old. "I'll work it out somehow, I can manage!"
Yamamoto-san seems to falter for a slight moment then, and Jin tries again.
"I love this place, it's my home," he says. "I don't want it to close down and neither do I want to work for somewhere else."
"Are you sure it would be okay?" the man asks, and Jin nods resolutely. "I can't force you to live with half of the salary, Jin. I'll understand if you'll leave."
Jin looks at Yamamoto-san and smiles.
"I know. But I don't want to go anywhere else," he declares, and the man smiles faintly at him. "It's settled then!"
Jin claps his hands on his thighs and stands up, going back behind the counter to finish his tasks for the evening.
***
When Jin steps inside his home that night, he looks around; the place is not really that big, but his standard salary was barely enough to pay for the rent and his living expenses. Now that his salary has been cut, he doesn't really know what to do, but he's also sure that he'll find a solution somehow.
Renting another place is out of the question, since Jin already had troubles at the time finding a place with a decent rent, and he's not sure he would be able to find a cheaper one.
It's while he's under the shower jet that he thinks of a solution; the idea of living with someone else is not really appealing to him, but he can't find any other solution except finding a roommate to share the rent with.
Even if his place is not exactly a royal palace, there's still room for another person; the guest room Jin had been using as a closet for a while can be cleaned and used by another person, so it should be fine. The kitchen and the living room are not big as well, but it's enough for two people.
More than that, if Jin doesn't want to look for another job, he has no other choice.
When he steps out of the shower, he takes some paper sheets and writes an ad and his cell phone number; when he's done, he admires his work. It's not a masterpiece, but it'll do the job.
Jin really hopes to find someone quickly, especially someone personable and funny, because the last thing he needs is someone annoying living with him.
***
Yamamoto-san doesn't have any problems with Jin taping his ad under the cash register, and so Jin does. He's not sure many people will see it given the lack of customers they're facing nowadays, and trying never killed anyone.
"Good morning Akanishi-san."
Jin turns and looks at the door, where Kamenashi is standing with his usual polite smile, and he opens his eyes wide when the fact that Kamenashi has used his surname sinks in. He stutters back a greeting, still not believing his ears, and then, when he hears the alarm of the oven ringing, runs into the kitchen.
"How does he even know my name?" Jin asks Yamamoto-san, who's flipping through his notebook of receipts.
Yamamoto-san shrugs. "He asked and I told him."
Jin looks at him, and thinks that things are surely taking a strange path nowadays, but then realizes that working with Yamamoto-san had taught him that already years ago.
Jin smiles delighted when he sees that the sponge-cake is ready; he only needs to leave it there for ten minutes more before he can finally experiment with the idea he had the previous night while rolling around in his bed unable to sleep.
"Excuse me?"
When Jin and Yamamoto-san look outside the kitchen, Kamenashi is standing in front of the counter, a sheet of paper in his hands, and Jin hurries behind the counter.
"I'm sorry, I forgot about your coffee, I'll bring it in a minute!" He panics, but Kamenashi stops him before he can go on rambling.
"I saw this," he says, lifting the ad Jin had previously taped to the counter.
"Are you interested?" Jin asks, and in his mind this looks like the best solution he could have hoped for. Not that he knows Kamenashi, but at least he's not a total, complete stranger.
When Kamenashi nods, Jin tells him how much the rent would be, and waits for the other guy to take into consideration the idea; even if he know basically nothing about him, Jin thinks it would be nice to have him around. Kamenashi seems to be pondering Jin's offer, and for a brief moment Jin doubts he's going to take it, at least until the moment when Kamenashi smiles at him and tells him it's fine with him.
"Deal?" Jin asks, as if he couldn't believe his ears.
"Deal," Kamenashi repeats, and his smile this time is not only polite, but feels more real as well. Jin smiles widely then, bows a bit; he really is happy now. Things are going to work out in one way or another, and the fact that he has so soon found a roommate gives him a positive vibe for everything else as well.
"There's only one thing I'd like to know though," Jin says soon after, his tone turning serious again. Kamenashi raises his brown and waits for Jin to tell him what it is. "Your name?"
Kamenashi chuckles and smiles again then, stretching his hand for Jin to take it.
"Kamenashi," he says, and Jin feels that the name suits him. "Kamenashi Kazuya"
"Pleased to meet you," Jin tells him, and shakes his hand. He knows that Kamenashi knows his name already, so he doesn't introduce himself again, even if he probably should. "I'll be right back with your coffee!"
***
After several minutes, Jin walks over to Kamenashi, who's sitting at the usual table, with a tray, and Kamenashi looks at him with a questioning gaze when he sees him placing a small plate in front of him, next to the cup of hot coffee.
"I didn't order this," Kamenashi politely points out, frowning slightly, and Jin nods.
"I know." Jin looks at him. "But we're going to live together anyway, so I wanted you to taste this at least once."
Kamenashi looks at the plate in front of him before his gaze goes back to Jin, who has sat himself down in front of Kamenashi.
"It's a sponge-cake filled with strawberries and cream," Jin explains, and Kamenashi looks at the plate again. The slice of roll looks yummy, and it's accompanied by some whipped cream and an entire strawberry on the side. He looks at Jin once more before taking the small fork and cutting a portion of the roll with it.
Jin looks at his newfound roommate as he brings the fork to his mouth, waits for a reaction; he's curious, and he really wants to know what Kamenashi thinks about it.
He doesn't have to wait long though, because Kamenashi's face soon goes from a not-really-convinced expression to a completely blissful one; he puts in his mouth another piece of roll and closes his eyes.
When Jin hears him moan softly, his lips curling in a smile, he thinks they'll manage just fine together, but when Kamenashi opens his eyes again and smiles widely at him, Jin is sure they'll get along fine.
***
Jin spends the whole Sunday, his usual free day, cleaning the house and making space for Kame (as Kamenashi has ordered him to address him after eating the strawberry roll). He doesn't know exactly at which hour Kame will be here, but he wants him to have a good first impression of his new house. Jin doesn't know how the place Kame used to live looks in, but he knows his own is not really fancy, and the minimum he can do is clean it; Kame will have time to realize how messy Jin can be.
Jin spends the hours dusting and cleaning everywhere he can think of, moving his stuff from the guest room to his own and trying to find a place for everything. He doesn't remember having all that stuff, and he thinks that if things will keep going on that way, he'll probably need to sell some of it to make some money, and he sighs as he looks at his acoustic guitar, laying against the wall, next to the window.
He's dragged out of his thoughts when the doorbell rings, and he passes a hand through his hair while hurrying to the door.
Kame is there, a couple of not-so-big bags in his hands and a rucksack on his back, and Jin smiles as he lets him in.
Kame takes his time to look around as he slips out of his shoes in the genkan , and Jin nervously watches him.
"It's not a palace, I know," he hurries to say, taking the bags from Kame's hands.
"It's nice though," Kame replies, and Jin visibly relaxes.
"I'll show you your room!"
Jin makes his way over to it, and Kame follows him looking around.
"It's not really that big," Jin tells him when they are standing in the doorframe of Kame's new room. "I hope you'll be okay with it."
Kame smiles at him and walks into the room, and lets himself plop on the bed; he chuckles when his back makes contact with the mattress, and Jin smiles.
"I don't know where you used to live …" he says again, fidgeting "…and I know this is not really a fancy place, but I hope it'll be okay."
Kame straightens his back and looks at Jin, smiling, and Jin automatically smiles back. It's strange how often Kame has started to smile at him since they agreed to share the place, and it's not that Jin is going to complain. On the contrary, he has slowly discovered that seeing Kame smile makes him all warm inside and, every time, he can't help smiling back. No matter how bad his day had been, if Kame smiles at him, Jin knows everything will be okay.
Jin proceeds to show Kame the rest of the house, guiding him through the different rooms; it's not really a grand tour, but Jin likes to see the expressions on Kame's face when he explains how things work (like how to close the bathroom door decently, since it's almost broken) and where the different things he might need are.
"You could have used your key," Jin tells Kame once they find themselves sitting at the kitchen table, two cup of coffees in front of them; Kame drinks his black, as usual, while Jin pours in a huge quantity of sugar. "You live here after all."
"Are you trying to kill yourself with a sugar overdose?" Kame asks him, and that's when Jin notices that he's still filling his cup with sugar, so he curses softly, and Kame chuckles.
It's strange, hearing someone else in his apartment, Jin thinks. He thinks it won't be difficult to get used to it.
It's not that Jin is socially awkward or anything similar, but he spends most of his time lazing around his place when he's not at work, and even if, from time to time, he calls over some of his friends, he's mostly alone. He doesn't mind that much to be honest, he feels at ease when he's alone, because he doesn't need to fake a smile if he's having a bad day.
At the same time, Jin feels like it won't be difficult to get used to his new life with Kame; the guy seems to be nice and maybe even funny, and Jin is already growing attached to him for a reason he can't explain. Maybe because Kame's the only customer they still have at the café, maybe because he's mysterious or maybe, most probably, Jin thinks, it's because…well, because it's Kame.
"Is there a balcony here?" Kame suddenly asks, and Jin looks at him, nodding.
"There's a really small one off the living room," he tells him, not really knowing how this could be important. Then, he thinks back to how many times he had seen Kame reading books about stars, and Jin thinks he understands why now.
"Can I see it?" Kame asks again, gulping down the last sip of coffee from his cup.
"Sure, let's go!"
Jin guides Kame to the living room, opens the huge window and lets in some fresh air, and Kame walks out on the balcony.
The balcony is not really spacious, but there's room for two people and a small chair. Kame places his hands on the rail and looks in front of him before turning his gaze up towards the sky. The sun is setting by now, and the first stars are already coming out from their hiding places; Kame looks at the sky and smiles in delight.
"Perfect!" Jin hears him say, and a smile creeps on his lips.
The evening air is chilly, and Jin massages his arms with his hands, trying to warm them up since he's wearing only a t-shirt.
When Kame notices that Jin's shivering, he takes a last glance at the sky above them and walks inside, dragging Jin with him and closing the window behind them.
"I'm cooking dinner tonight," he announces, and Jin grins at him, following him into the kitchen.
Jin sits at the table after setting it for two, watching Kame as he fumbles with vegetables and rice.
"You didn't need to bring groceries," he tells him, and Kame shrugs, chopping some carrots.
"I didn't know what you had or what we are supposed to do with groceries and stuff, so …" he explains, and Jin hums in understanding.
Kame works fast to prepare the dinner, and Jin stays there, observing his fluid movements as he does so. They keep on chatting about small things, laughing like old friends and having a good time, and Jin realizes that his house is finally looking more like 'home' instead of a place to crash for the night.
He likes it a lot.
***
Living with Kame is not difficult at all, it's probably even easier than Jin had thought. Kame really is nice and funny, a bit reserved and never intrudes on Jin's spaces. He never leaves a mess around - there's already Jin for that, since he's the messier between the two - and he usually cooks for both of them. Jin's really glad about it, because apart from cakes he's not really a master chef, and he had spent most of his days eating precooked meals or instant ramen, so it's nice having someone cooking real food.
It's one of those details that make everything look more like home.
Jin doesn't know why he keeps on thinking about "home" more and more often nowadays, but he's starting to suspect that maybe that's what he's missing.
It's true that Jin feels like the café is his home, but he's seriously starting to take into consideration the idea that maybe what he needs is someone, more than something. Someone that makes him feel at home wherever he is.
When this kind of thoughts start flowing in Jin's mind, he usually goes to the kitchen and starts to bake a cake; since he had started to work at the café, baking cakes had always been his way to focus on something more pleasant when he's having thoughts he doesn't want to think about.
Kame soon becomes his guinea pig when Jin decides to bake something new, something not written on a recipe; it doesn't happen often, except that since Kame had come to live with him, it's starting to become almost a habit, and Jin slowly notices how he won't bake the same thing again if he doesn't have Kame's approval first.
Living together with Kame is nice, and things don't change much from how they were before in terms of everyday life; the café is still deserted almost every day. Kame has stopped going there every day, and Jin asks himself what is the other doing while he's there, looking at the painted mirror in front of the counter.
Maybe Kame has found a job, Jin thinks. After all, he needs to have money for the rent and everything else he might need, and Kame has never, not even once, been late with the payment of the rent. Jin has never asked what he's doing for a living, and sometimes he thinks that maybe he should have. Only that then, every time he sees Kame, the little tingle of anxiety goes away, suddenly, like smoke in the wind.
Jin's not sure why that is, but he knows what's going on; he knows he's growing attached to Kame really fast, and there's a part of him that is scared about that. He's been there already, and he knows what that means.
Kame doesn't talk a lot, but when he does, it's always nice; he always makes sure to have a kind word for Jin in the morning, when Jin's going out for work, or in the evening, when he comes back. He makes sure to prepare dinner and not to step into Jin's spaces when Jin's upset. Jin notices these little details, and the more days go by, the more Jin likes all the small attentions Kame gives him. At the same time though, he's scared of them; he knows he's growing attached to Kame already, and all those small gestures are not really helping him in trying to ignore the feeling that is slowly creeping into his heart. Jin tries not to think about it too much, but he barely succeeds, because when he finally thinks he's managing to cope with everything in the right way, there's always a small brush of fingers on his arms, a laugh or a small smile.
Jin bakes a lot more than usual lately.
***
It's raining outside, and the sound of the droplets of water smashing against the window of his room are preventing Jin from sleeping. It usually has the opposite effect, because Jin loves the music created by the rain against his windows, but for some reason tonight it's different.
Jin keeps on tossing and rolling in bed, sighing from time to time. He has found himself thinking about what Kame is doing and where he is more and more often recently, and it's scary. He doesn't need to fall in love now, he doesn't want to fall in love now.
It wouldn't be the first time, and that's exactly why Jin doesn't want to go through all that again. He's been questioning himself for a long time before finally getting back on his own feet again after the last break up, questioning if there might be something wrong with him, if he's doing something wrong. He still doesn't have an answer, because when Jin's in a relationship, he's completely involved in it. Still, he thinks there must be something he did wrong, and he doesn't want to try again, not now at least. He doesn't feel ready.
Not to mention that he doesn't even know if Kame cares about him that way anyway. There have been feather like touches during their baking sessions, but Jin is not even sure they were really there. Or if they have been completely accidental.
It's just that everything seems so easy now, and Jin finds himself falling down and down to the pit of a spiral that seems never ending. He's doing everything by himself, and he doesn't need more reasons to start to believe in something that's not even there.
Jin groans and sighs, kicking the cover away and walking to the kitchen; he looks for his cigarettes before going out on the small balcony.
The air is chilly, and Jin shivers in his simple t-shirt. He lights up the cigarette and inhales a long drag, looking at the sky. The stars are beautiful tonight, he thinks while looking at them, and somehow he thinks he can understand why Kame likes them so much.
Then, Jin remembers Yamamoto-san words about the stars knowing everything, and he's almost going to ask them for help, for a small suggestion, when he hears Kame's voice coming from his room. The voice is muffled and the tone sounds serious; Jin can't hear it very well, so understanding what Kame is talking about is difficult. As soon as he notices where his thoughts are going, Jin wants to slap himself; if there's something he has always hated, that's people not minding their own business. The truth is that even if they've been living together for a couple of weeks, Jin has realized that he knows barely anything about Kame. He doesn't know where he works, if he works, who his friends are. He doesn't even know where Kame is from. It's just that there's something that stops Jin from asking, each and every time he starts. He doesn't want to be intrusive, so if Kame won't tell him, then he won't ask, no matter how curious he is.
Jin lets the indistinct sound of Kame's voice lull him, let him bring his mind far away and into the deep space, and he suddenly feels like flying.
"You can't sleep?"
Kame voice suddenly being so close startles Jin, who yelps and turns to the window; Kame's smiling, his hand placed on the window frame as he stares at Jin.
Jin looks at him for a while, and wonders how is it even possible to feel like this in such a short time. He doesn't even know why it is Kame, it's probably that Kame makes him feel good, feel relaxed. Being close to him is nice.
Jin throws the cigarette butt in the ashtray and sighs.
"Just some thoughts I can't chase away," he tells Kame before turning to look at the sky, and he hears Kame approaching him, until the guy's leaning on the rail as well, his shoulder bumping into Jin's, and Jin shivers, wondering if Kame has an idea of the effect his presence has on Jin.
"When I can't sleep, I look at the stars." Kame's eyes are fixed on the sky above them, and Jin studies his profile for a moment, following the bump of his nose and his lips. Kame's not a conventional beauty, but he has an elegance and a strength that is difficult to ignore. "That's my favorite one."
Kame points his finger right in front of them, and Jin follows it, looking at the star Kame's pointing at; it's the brightest he can see at the moment, right there, in front of him. Jin has the strange feeling that star is trying to tell him something.
"Why's it your favorite?" he asks, and he's not sure there's a real answer to his question. He's not sure how someone could pick a favorite star in all of the firmament, but then he remembers how passionate Kame is about stars, and he wonders if people can't understand his own passion for music and cakes.
Kame shrugs at Jin's question, slipping a cigarette out of Jin's packet and lighting up. Jin does the same then, waiting for Kame to explain.
"It's called Aldebaran," Kame suddenly says, his eyes never leaving the sky. "It's the brightest star of the Taurus constellation."
Jin thinks that the star's name rings a bell before he remembers that he had read it on the cover of the book Kame always brought with him at the café. He sits on the small wicker chair in the corner of the balcony and takes a drag from his cigarette, while Kame doesn't move from his spot.
"It's the Arabic way to say 'the follower'" Kame goes on, "because Aldebaran follows the Pleiades."
Kame takes a drag from his cigarette before he turns to look at Jin, who's gazing back at him; then, he turns again to look at the sky.
"Maybe I like it because I feel like I've been following something for my whole life," Kame whispers, and Jin would like to ask him who are his Pleiades, but manages to stay silent. He almost feels like congratulating himself, because most of the time he can't restrain himself; Jin has always been someone who blurts out whatever is on his mind, and it's not always been the smartest thing to do, he knows that. He has noticed how he's being more careful around Kame though, but he knows he can't lower his focus or else he'll say something he might regret.
He comes back to his senses when he feels Kame sitting on the armrest of the small chair, just next to him; Kame's thigh is mere centimeters away from Jin's hand, and Jin feels himself staring at it, a sudden urge to place his hand on it.
Kame starts to talk again, telling Jin about Aldebaran's characteristics - Jin feels a bit lost then -, and its astrological meaning. Jin drinks in each and every word Kame says, looking at him, and it doesn't take him long to notice the small hint of sadness and melancholy in Kame's eyes. Jin wonders why, but he doesn't ask.
Sometimes, Jin has the feeling that Kame's attraction to stars has a meaning, something he can't understand, something creeping in Kame's heart and soul more than he can understand, more than he can even try to understand. Sometimes, when Jin looks at him, Kame seems to be far, far away in a way Jin can't grasp.
Jin keeps on listening to Kame talking about stars and, particularly, Aldebaran. He can understand and remember less than half of the things Kame's telling him, but he doesn't mind. It feels good being like that, Kame talking to him like that, the sound of his voice wrapping around Jin while he sits there. They both keep on staring at the sky while Kame talks, and Jin has the feeling that Kame is revealing something to him, something he keeps buried in his soul, but no matter how much he tries, Jin can't understand.
By the time Kame stops talking about Aldebaran, the sun is rising and the sky is an explosion of colors in front of them.
***
It's a mystery how neither of them falls sick after that whole night spent on the balcony; Jin goes to work like usual and, like usual, business isn't going well. No matter how much he and Yamamoto-san try to think about a solution, no matter how many new recipes Jin creates in order to bring back the appeal of the place and bring back its old splendor, nothing seems to work.
Kame still spends some of his time at the café, reading and staring at his map, which is now worn out given how many times the guy has folded and unfolded it, his fingers following a path he's the only one able to see.
When even Kame leaves the café, all Jin can do is stare at the wall in front of the counter, trying to find a solution while the café slowly sinks.
***
It's raining outside, and Jin had noticed how Kame had spent their whole dinner vaguely glancing at the window, trying to see the stars which are obviously covered by the clouds.
Every time Jin tries to start a small talk topic, it soon dies. Even if Jin knows Kame is not in the mood for talkings, he can't really shut up. There's this slight pang in his heart while he looks at Kame being this distressed and melancholic, like there's something bugging him.
"Are you okay?"Jin's voice is almost a whisper, but he knows Kame has heard anyway. It takes him a bit longer than usual to answer, but then Kame smiles faintly at him and nods.
"Yes," he tells Jin. "It's only that rain makes me a bit melancholic."
Jin hums in understanding before he suddenly stands up from his chair and grabs Kame's wrist, dragging him to sit on the couch in the living room before he disappears into his room.
Kame is still trying to understand what's going on when Jin appears once again in front of him, his arms wrapped around his acoustic guitar. He sits on the floor, his back laying against the armchair, in front of Kame, and starts to play random chords. He sees how Kame looks surprised, but he also notices how the guy makes himself more and more comfortable with the chords slowly floating around them, the soft sounds of the rain spattering against the window as background.
Then, Jin's fingers caress the strings of his guitar before he starts to play a song, his voice joining the music soon after. He has closed his eyes by now, letting himself be absorbed by the music and the words, and when the song ends he keeps them closed for a little longer.
When he opens them, Kame is staring at him with a smile from the couch, and Jin feels his cheeks burning in embarrassment, because he feels exposed. It's always like that when he plays, but he usually does it when he's alone. It's happened before that he has played with his friends, of course it had, but the atmosphere had always been different from now. Not to mention the fact that the songs he plays with his friends are different, because it's not his soul and his heart he's exposing then. No matter how many times Ueda, one of his best friends, has asked him to hear his songs, Jin had always refused.
Now it's different though.
Jin is not sure why he had started to play one of his own songs, but he did and it's too late now to go back in time, especially since he can still feel Kame's burning stare on his skin.
"Did you write it?" Kame asks him after a while, and Jin feels like hiding somewhere. He feels naked like never before, completely lost like a child, and he can't even find the words to answer that simple question, so he just nods. When Kame stays silent, Jin lifts his face and looks at him, waiting as he bites his lower lip, and he's confused because he doesn't know since when Kame's approval on nearly everything has become this important. First it was with the cakes, now apparently with his music, and as if it wasn't enough that he had actually played one of his own songs for Kame, now he realises he's expecting to know what Kame thinks about it.
"I loved it."
Jin looks straight at Kame's face, trying to gauge how sincere his words are. He's not doubting Kame, he's not, but his self confidence is not really his best point. There's a part of him that wants to believe Kame, but there's another one, more annoying and insistent, that tells him that Kame might have said that only to please him.
When Jin looks in Kame's eyes, though, the only things he sees is that the melancholy which had previously stained Kame's eyes is not there anymore, washed away by his words and his music, and Jin can't help feeling happy about that.
Before Jin can say anything, Kame disappears in the kitchen, where the table is still messy from their dinner, and comes back several minutes later with two cups of hot chocolate. He sits down on the floor, next to Jin, and once again his shoulder bumps into Jin's as he does so, handing Jin one of the two cups. Jin asks himself if Kame had done it on purpose; the light touches are happening more and more often, and there's a part of Jin that tells him it's not by mistake.
Jin murmurs a quick "thank you" while he takes his cup from Kame's hands, and he feels Kame's fingers lingering on his for what might be longer than normal for two friends. His head shoots up and he looks at Kame, who's smiling peacefully, staring at the wall in front of them.
"I could play you something every time it rains," Jin whispers, and Kame sighs in delight.
"It would be nice."
***
Things haven't changed since that rainy evening, but Jin feels like there's a brand new connection linking him to Kame. It's something he can't explain, something small and fragile, almost intangible, but it's definitely there.
Jin would really like to ask Kame if he feels it as well, but he's afraid about Kame's reaction, about how that question might force him to talk about other stuff, other feelings, the very same ones he's trying his best not to allow to surface. He doesn't know if he's managing, but Kame hasn't said anything about that until now, so Jin's hoping he's being able to hide everything.
He doesn't want things between them to turn complicated, to change. No matter how difficult it's becoming with the days passing by, Jin doesn't want his feelings for Kame to change things between them. He feels comfortable with Kame, and if he has to deny and ignore his feelings in order to let things continue to feel nice, then he will.
It wouldn't be the first time something like this happens in his life anyway, and his feelings have always ruined it before, and if he just also ignores the fact that even though his feelings for Kame are different from every other time he has felt like that, then Jin can do it.
The fact is that he doesn't really know how to move around Kame anymore, because his heart starts pounding faster and faster every time Kame's around him, every time he talks or smiles, every time he calls Jin's name. There's always this force engulfing Jin and trapping him when Kame's around, something that tells him to touch the other, even slightly, to look at him, to memorize everything he can and never let him go.
And it's starting to be so difficult that Jin doesn't know what to do.
The more Jin thinks about it, the more the only solution he can find is accepting his feelings and acting according to them. Not telling Kame about them, not necessarily, but not even trying to avoid them (or Kame, for that matter). It's the only thing he can think of, so he decides to act accordingly, hoping for things to turn easier, at least in his heart.
***
"You're in love!" Yamamoto-san suddenly says, and Jin almost burns himself with the baking tray he's pulling out of the oven. It's another boring day at work; they had a few customers, but nothing that might really help them, and by now Kame is the only customer they have sitting in the café, as usual.
Jin looks at the man with a surprised face before he blushes, stuttering something that doesn't make sense. He knows there's no chance he might deny it now; he has been working with Yamamoto-san for years now, and it's not the first time the man is the witness of Jin's love life. There's no point in denying it.
"I'm happy for you," Yamamoto-san adds, and Jin smiles faintly at him while sitting on the stool next to the metallic table in the kitchen.
"Thanks," he mumbles, but he's not sure he means it, "but I'm not sure there's something to be happy about."
Yamamoto-san looks at him like a loving father would look at his child, and caresses Jin's hair for a moment before speaking again.
"Being in love is always a reason to be happy," he says, and Jin would really like to believe his words. "I know it seems easier said than done, but as long as the person you love is happy, you'll be as well."
Jin looks at Yamamoto-san, wondering about the words the old man just said, trying to make them fit his feelings.
"And whenever you'll feel lost, look at the stars," Yamamoto-san adds. "They always have the answers to everything."
Then, the man approaches Jin even more closely and places his hands on Jin's shoulders, whispering in his ears.
"It's Kamenashi, right?" he asks, and Jin yelps and blinks several times.
"Is it that obvious?" he asks then, defiance written all over his face, and Yamamoto-san chuckles a bit, patting his shoulders.
"A bit, but fear not Jin."
"Why not?" Jin asks, his shoulders slumping down. He doesn't care if Yamamoto-san knows, but if it's that obvious, then the man is probably not the only one who has noticed, and Jin can't let Kame know. He's still not ready to face him, not yet. He's not ready to be rejected.
Yamamoto-san doesn't answer, he only looks at Jin and smiles knowingly before leaving the kitchen, and Jin sighs heavily, resuming his baking.
***
As much as Jin wants to trust both himself and Yamamoto-san, loving is not easy. It doesn't matter that he has promised himself to act according to his feelings, not to let them stand in the way of his friendship with Kame, not to care, because the truth is that he does, he cares so much that it hurts. He's always afraid of telling something wrong, of doing something wrong, and he doesn't know what to do.
Jin is starting to think that it might be best to tell Kame the truth; things would probably fall apart then, but Jin can't be sure they won't anyway, given how difficult it is trying not to touch Kame when he's close or let his stare linger on him more than he should.
Every time Kame is near, Jin feels his head spinning, his breath caught in his throat, and it's both painful and great at the same time. It's strange how he's living the best and the worst time of his life at the same time; Jin would have never thought something like this would be possible.
Things are usually a bit worst in the evenings, when Jin's laying in his bed and he can hear Kame talking on the other side of the wall. He never understands what Kame is saying, but recently Jin has started to hear the other voice as well. It's a male voice, and Jin can't deny that every time he hears it there's a small pang in his heart, like a small fracture going deeper and deeper every time he hears the other voice. He wants to know who the other person is, if it's a friend or something more, but at the same time he's not sure he'd be able to handle the truth.
Jin wonders when this person comes in, because he has never heard the door opening or closing when Kame was already in there, and it's strange.
The apartment is on the second floor of a building, so coming in from a window is out of the question. There are so many things Jin would like to know, but he's so afraid of asking them, so he usually lays in bed and tries to distract himself from what's going on on the other side of the wall. It's not easy, but sometimes Jin manages. He builds his own fantasy where he and Kame are happy together, without the need to deny feelings and restrain actions.
Sometimes it works.
Part 2