don't let me drown
ontae, g, 2501 words, fluff, angst.
Things were wrong. Jinki knew that. Things were always wrong and nothing could be perfect, never had been, never would be, weren't now. But Jinki's job, Jinki's position, Jinki's existence was there to make messes as perfect as they could be, to mold stutters to sentences, frowns to smiles, sad tears to happy ones. To be that pillar, that standing stone, something old and wise and young and bright at the same time.
Jinki cared for everyone, he really did. Anyone could see that. Even Taemin, the clueless maknae, always lost in his own world, spacing out, could see that. Anyone had a problem, Jinki knew about it first. Anyone shook in their bed at night, Jinki always knew, always sat by, always stayed up, the length of time weighing on his lids, but his hand always patted at their heads. Sometimes though,
he mistakenly stroked the pillow instead. Jinki was only human.
But sometimes, Taemin saw more than that. He saw the pain Jinki held, the reasonless shame, the poisonous embarrassment. The Jinki that was slowly crawling out of those happy, crescent-shaped eyes, leaving Onew behind. Onew, actor. Onew, singer. Onew, leader. And Taemin, he didn't like that. He wanted Jinki. Jinki, clumsy hyung. Jinki, silly hyung. Jinki, the one who cracked jokes at random times that made no sense at all. Jinki, who hid his face in the backseat when they were on an especially long drive and he thought everyone else was asleep.
Taemin didn't sleep. Taemin saw, and Taemin knew. He knew something was wrong, and it didn't really matter that he didn't know exactly what. Jinki hyung was going away, and this new person, with a bright smile that bled out his eyes and didn't quite reach his mouth. Taemin noticed that. When Jinki smiled, it shone out from everywhere. Sometimes he even made his ears wiggle on purpose, to make Taemin laugh. But he didn't do that anymore.
He still stayed up late, still patted Taemin's back, still whispered to Jonghyun that it was okay, still shrugged helplessly at Minho when Jonghyun didn't listen and buried his face in the taller's shoulder, still teased Kibum and ate his food. But Jinki wasn't there.
It was the last straw when Taemin saw his hyung fall on stage, get right back up and smile at the cameras, and sing like nothing happened. He heard the fans gasp and then laugh a little, and then he didn't hear anything anymore. The blood rushed to his ears and he frowned angrily for a second, before sighing and continuing with the steps.
Taemin watched carefully from his seat when they all jumbled into the van, sweaty limbs and tired groans. Minho sat next to the driver, Jonghyun and Key mumbled about each other's stupidity and jostled, Taemin sat with half closed eyes, and Jinki... Jinki sat in the back, and he didn't cry. He stared at his feet, eyes glassed over, as if he wasn't there. As if he was gone. Taemin glared. "No," he whispered to himself. "Stay, you idiot."
Onew didn't listen, couldn't listen. He just sat there with a triumphant little smile at winning over little Jinki's emotions; a small, mean smile.
Taemin hated seeing him cry. Anyone would hate that beautiful smile to turn downwards at the ends, but Taemin wanted him to cry now. He wanted Jinki to hold on a little more, they'd just reach the dorm, then Taemin would pull him into their room and hug him, that's all, just a couple more minutes, not even an hour - but Jinki didn't cry. Onew seemed in full control, vengeful over Jinki's mistake.
Onew looked up, and smiled, and this time the smile didn't even come from his eyes. It was dead. "Minnie-ah," he whispered, softly. "Something wrong?"
Taemin blinked, and swallowed. For a second Jinki flashed back, and reached out his hand, "Taemin?"
Wary, Taemin shrank back before he knew what he was doing, and he regretted it at once. Jinki was back, and Jinki was hurt. He fell and hurt his knee, he got back up and the fans had hurt his pride. He'd asked if Taemin was alright, and Taemin had just hurt him too, and Taemin didn't even know where. He was half afraid Onew would come back, but he didn't. Jinki leaned back and closed his eyes and sighed, and then he smiled, and Taemin felt his own lungs threatening to burst, because that smile was so beautiful and sad.
Why did he smile? Why did he smile?
Taemin curled up to the side and watched from between the seat and the seat head, and he saw a tiny tear force out from an eyelid, saw it dribble down and catch a ray from a streetlight as the van moved on and glimmer for a second, before it fell, and Taemin closed his eyes and almost heard the whispered pat it made as it landed, maybe somewhere on the seat. Taemin felt terrible, but he also felt glad that Jinki stayed. Jinki stayed, and he stayed weak and he stayed strong, and he stayed, and that was the important thing, and when they stepped out onto the pavement, Taemin clung to his back like... Taemin didn't even know how hard he clung. He was sure Jinki wouldn't be able to breathe, but Jinki patted his hands and rolled back his head to bump Taemin's forehead, and Taemin buried his face between his shoulder blades and tried not to make them trip as they walked up the stairs. Minho gave him a weird look and Kibum pouted at him, but Taemin knew Jinki, the silent hyung, the selfless hyung, Jinki was the one that really needed him now.
"Hyung," he mumbled, and Jinki just patted his hands again.
Kibum made a beeline for the bathroom and left Jonghyun and Minho to battle out who would go after, and Jinki brushed past them into the room, Taemin traipsing behind.
Taemin closed the door as they entered, and Jinki didn't care. Head bowed, he made his way to his bed and flumped down, bouncing slightly and then grabbing the pillow and burying his face in it. "Hyung," Taemin started. Jinki lifted his head, and shit, it was Onew, back and in control. "I'm kinda sleepy, Minnie," he yawned, voice muffled through the pillow.
"No you're not."
"Taemin, I think I know how I feel."
"Yeah. You do, and you're lying, and I know it. You're hiding everything, thinking it's all for the best," Taemin walked to the bed, too, looking at his hyung. He wasn't staring, or glaring, he was simply looking, no emotion in his own eyes as Onew's slowly melted and Jinki peeked out through those honey irises, as Jinki opened his mouth and then closed it and Onew shoved him out and smiled patronizingly. "Taemin-ah, you don't know what you're talking about."
"Feeling a little dizzy?" Taemin ignored him.
The man in front of him widened his eyes, and Jinki blinked. "Hyung, you didn't cry much today."
"I don't want to." He was sitting up now, head reaching Taemin's shoulder, eyes focused on the well-kept hands folded in his lap.
"Hyung."
"You don't know a thing, Taemin. Not a single thing," Jinki's voice shook, and his shoulders shook too, and Taemin raised a hand to place on Jinki's shoulder, and either Jinki did it on purpose or he really did feel like plopping back down into the pillow, and Taemin could almost feel Onew struggling to get back from the floor, to cover Jinki like a blanket and stop him from feeling anything. He felt frozen for a second, almost seeing in front of him, another Jinki, lying flat on the floor and struggling to get up, and the real Jinki, trembling on the bed, face hidden from view.
"Your name is Lee Jinki," Taemin blurted from nowhere, and Onew disappeared, Jinki slowly sitting back up to stare at him again. "Your name is Lee Jinki and you were born on the fourteenth of December, nineteen eighty nine." Jinki gulped and looked away, and for some reason it made Taemin angry.
"Why aren't you looking at me?" he nearly yelled, going down on his knees and forcing Jinki's face back in his direction.
"There's no point in trying, Taemin," Jinki sighed, and his voice was tired and weary and sad.
Taemin didn't blink. "Give me your reasons, princess."
The other shrugged. "I'm pathetic. I'm not worth anything - not worth SHINee, not worth SM, not worth the fans, not worth my own parents. I'm not worth your thoughts, Taemin," Jinki sighed, looking sadly at the wall opposite. "I don't think there's any point pretending anymore that I'm good enough for anything." Taemin's eyes were wide and shocked.
"You don't understand, Taemin. Being a leader... being there for four other people at once, being there for the fans, trying to care, caring, and then knowing you're not caring enough, knowing nothing is ever enough."
Taemin rose up and sat next to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. Jinki flinched away from it. "Go away," he mumbled, tears rolling down fast. "You should do something better, okay. Listening to me being an idiot won't do anyone much good."
"It'll do you good," Taemin pointed out. "And if it makes you feel better, I'll feel better." He reached over to untangle Jinki's fingers and link them with his. Jinki looked the other way, and Taemin heard him take a shuddering breath.
"Hey," he said, softly. "Hey," and he shifted on the bed, sitting behind the elder and wrapping his legs around his middle.
"Hey back," Jinki whispered, and Taemin pressed his forehead to the back of his neck, silent.
"You ever felt like you didn't want to wake up when you went to sleep?"
"No," Taemin tightened his hold on Jinki, and Jinki shifted a little, trying not to let Taemin squeeze out all the emotions he'd been holding down.
"You ever stayed up for three weeks without sleeping?"
Taemin shrugged into Jinki's shoulders.
"Taken five sleeping pills all at once?"
Taemin froze.
Jinki managed a laugh. "Hey, it didn't work, I was just groggy all day, that's all."
"Why?"
It was so small and hurt and innocent, that Jinki almost felt guilty for saying everything he'd said 'til now. Almost.
"Why not?" he rolled his eyes, staring at the ceiling, strawberry shampoo'd hair blanketing Taemin's face.
"Isn't it ba-"
"Taemin, I'm sure there are exceptions for people who aren't worth shit."
"But you are-"
"Admit it, Tae," he growled. "I'm too incompetent to exist."
"I -"
"Taemin, have you ever tried actually not caring what other people will think, not even caring about how you think, and just tried to cry?
"Crying is supposed to be good, right? It's supposed to let all your feelings out? Yeah, well, that's wrong. I let one single tear out, and what do I feel, Tae? I feel like another ton of chains just locked over my lungs and I can't even breathe anymore.
"And then I turn around and stop, and look at myself, and laugh at myself, because, God, what grown up man cries over the trivial things, like I do? And then I just feel ashamed.
"Then I get angry over being ashamed, and suddenly I don't even know what to feel."
Taemin swallowed and shrugged his shoulders again, bouncing slightly on the mattress so Jinki wouldn't forget that Taemin was there, with him. For him.
"Somtimes, Tae," Jinki said after a while, bent over with Taemin leaning on his back and quietly fingering shapes into his wrist. "Sometimes everything is just blank and dark and everything laughs at me and I'm all alone."
Taemin blinked, the weight of Jinki's emotions making his eyelids hard to move, before he impulsively rubbed his nose behind Jinki's ear. Jinki let out a ghost of a chuckle underneath him. "Tickles, you know."
"You have soft ears," Taemin whispered, a little awed.
"It's because I'm cool," Jinki nodded, pushing his hair back and sitting up.
"Very," Taemin agreed into the back of his neck.
There was silence for a while, and Taemin tapped his thigh.
"I want to feel happy," Jinki shook his head slowly, as if his brain was waterlogged. "I want to sit down with Jonghyun and discuss lyrics again. I want to wake up Kibum when he has those nightmares and actually mean it when I say everything's alright. I want to hold your hand without feeling like my own is made of lead that'll poison you. I want to have Minho go piggyback on me again and feel him shaking with laughter like we did that time in front of the fans.
"There's so much I want to do, and then I don't want to, because what's the point?"
"Hyung," Taemin breathed, and his voice was lost and aching, and Jinki turned around suddenly, lifting Taemin into his lap and burying his face into the other's neck, shoulders shaking again.
"I don't know what to do anymore," Jinki whispered into Taemin's shoulder.
"Ssh," Taemin said. "Ssh," and he patted Jinki's hair until his breathing evened, and the arms around his back slackened slightly.
"We love you, you know," Taemin whispered back, an hour later, as Jinki slept on the pillow next to him, face worn and tired and lovably familiar.
Onew tried to come back, but Taemin's fingers carded through his hair again, Taemin's eyes crinkled at the corners as he smiled at Jinki's closed ones, at the slight rise and fall of his chest, and Jinki's had still looped around Taemin's waist.
"You're worth so much," Taemin said, conversationally, as Onew stepped closer. "Sometimes I think of you before I go to bed, and look over at you, and it gets pretty painful, thinking how important you are to me." Onew blinked, straightened up, confused.
"Every mistake you make," he drew a little heart shape on Jinki's forehead and grinned to himself, "Is human. Nobody really wants you to be perfect, hyung. Nobody wants anyone to be perfect. We all just want each other to survive, and make it through." Onew stepped back now, fear in his eyes, and Taemin looked straight up at the figure as it faded slowly, becoming translucent with each passing minute.
The rest of the night, Taemin sang. He sang to Jinki under his breath, pleading him not to leave. He sang the first song he and Jinki danced to, he sang the old country favorites Jinki loved to listen to, but most of all he sang Your Name.
Sometime near midnight, he whispered, "Lee Jinki. You're Lee Jinki, and I love you."
Eyes closed, Jinki woke up and thought, that maybe, for the first time, things could be right, too. As Taemin drowsily settled down next to him and fell asleep, Jinki looked at him, and his eyes poured stories and stories and rivers of love.