(no subject)
Title: Memories of Colchis
Author: ennyousai
Rating: PG-13. Nothing graphic in here.
Word Count: ~3370
Spoilers: Up through the end of Season Two, but that's it.
Other Relevant Info: Written for the klficathon for ancarett who requested a look at why Kara believes she doesn't deserve to be happy during S2. I hope that this satisfies her request. For those who don't know, Medea is a character from the classical myth of Jason and the Argonauts. I wanted to play with the idea that legends from the Twelve Tribes' time on Kobol became part of our own Greek mythology, and that was part of the inspiration for this story.
Sincere thanks to Coucher and Christina, who beta-ed this for me.
This is X-posted to numerous places, so chances are you'll see it more than once.
As a child Kara was always fascinated by her mother’s ancient bronze statuette of a woman kneeling with her hands upraised in grief. It didn’t have the elegant simplicity of her own small idols of Aphrodite and Artemis, but there was something compelling about the rawness of her anguish. When she asked her mother about it she answered curtly that it was a representation of Medea, a woman of Picon who had lived on Kobol before the Exodus. She wouldn’t say anything more.
Socrata Thrace was a deeply religious woman who believed that the Lords still listened to human prayers and that the oracles could truly see into the Otherworld. Kara grew up going to the Temples regularly and always made sure to give offerings on the feast days. She studied the histories of the Tribes along with the Scriptures and legends, and when she was thirteen she came across a small footnote in the story of the Exodus from Kobol. The people were becoming competitive and jealous, quick to anger and slow to forgive. There was increased bloodshed, and longstanding feuds grew up during different families. During this time of turbulence a man of Caprica named Iason became the lover of a very powerful Picon priestess named Medea. She loved him deeply, but he left her to marry the daughter of one of the great Caprican nobles. Medea went mad with grief and killed her two young sons, the sons that she had borne Iason during the first flush of their love; then placed a curse on him that all of his descendents would have their happiness destroyed by sorrow, again and again and again.
The story sent a chill through Kara. To be so consumed by anger that she would utter such an awful curse… it was unthinkable.
“Why keep a statue of that woman?” Kara asked her mother, and for once she was given an answer.
“We are her descendants and we still carry her curse.” Socrata’s face grew hard and angry and Kara remembered how she had downed bottle after bottle of ambrosia when Kara’s father left. “When Medea cursed Iason’s children she didn’t know she was pregnant. And when she found out she wanted to kill the baby, but because the child was female she couldn’t do such a thing. But she never showed her daughter any love or kindness and laughed when the girl’s husband died of the plague.”
“Sound familiar?” asked Kara snidely. The slap to her face was not unexpected.
* * *
Kara tried to forget the story of Medea. She respected the gods, and believed in the Scriptures, but she was wary of believing that her own family was mentioned in them. The Exodus had happened thousands of years ago, and it was impossible to know what aspects of their life on Kobol were true and what was nothing more than myth. There was no Sciptural mention of Medea and Iason’s descendents beyond the second generation, so it was quite possible that their line had simply died out. It was highly unlikely that the Thrace bloodline could trace their ancestry back to the doomed couple; therefore it was almost impossible that Kara had inherited a madwoman’s curse. It was just another expression of her mother’s discontent; another one of Socrata’s attempts to cripple her daugher.
She made a life for herself, and she was happy. She loved to fly, and she was good at it. She made friends at the Academy and reached officer status. She met Zak; warm, intelligent, handsome Zak Adama whom she fell madly in love with and who loved her back, so much that he asked her to marry him. It was enough to make her forget about her fingers breaking in the doorjamb, or her mother dying in pain and alone, or curses that had their origins in the distant past.
But of course that didn’t last.
* * *
Two days after Kat took down Scar, Lee met Kara as she was coming in from CAP. She was sweaty and tired and wanted to just grab a shower and hit her bunk for a few hours, but Lee had always been good at ignoring the signs that she was in no mood to be talked at and insisted on dragging her into an empty supply cabinet.
“We all know that it doesn’t mean anything,” he said earnestly. “You were the one who set the shot up for Kat. If you hadn’t been there she couldn’t have done it.”
Kara shrugged. “Yeah, I know.”
Lee kept watching her and Kara remembered how it had felt to kiss him, run her hands over his warm skin. She felt a wave of such intense longing wash over her that she had to close her eyes. She knew that she wanted this man - knew that she might even love him - but all she could see when she closed her eyes was Zak’s Viper exploding and the coffin being lowered into the ground. A single traitorous tear escaped her tightly shut lids and slid slowly down her cheek.
“Kara?”
She opened her eyes and saw in Lee’s expression that he wouldn’t stand for any evasions. With a pang of shame she remembered how she had thrown herself at him and then pushed him away when she realized he wanted more than a casual frak. Even after that he still looked at her with an expression that told her that he cared for her, probably more than she deserved. She owed him an attempt at an explanation, at least.
“Everything’s falling apart, Lee. Everything that I believed would make me happy is gone. First Zak died, then I left Sam behind on Caprica, and now even my flying is off. It’s in my blood, that I can never be happy.”
Lee’s brow furrowed. “What?”
Kara thought about telling him about Medea and how pain and misery had been passed down through that bloodline like a sickness. But Lee didn’t believe in the gods or the scriptures and he wouldn’t understand.
“I just… can’t, Lee. I’m a screw-up, remember? Bright shiny futures aren’t for people like me.”
She turned to go. She almost didn’t catch his parting words, they were spoken so softly.
“You don’t know that unless you fight for it.”
But she had. She had, and failed.
* * *
But even pushing Lee away didn’t protect him because he was on Cloud Nine when the agitators chose to make their move, and then she shot him.
She didn’t go in to sit beside him until Dee was gone and he was asleep. He didn’t stir when she carefully reached out and twined her fingers with his.
“I’m sorry.” She swallowed hard and forced back her tears. They wouldn’t help Lee.
“I pushed you away because I wanted to protect you. You know how in the scriptures it says that all of this has happened before and all of it will happen again? That’s the story of my life, Lee. The story of my whole family, apparently. Because there was this woman named Medea and she was crazy and cursed all of her lover’s descendants but didn’t know that she was pregnant, and so…”
She stopped and pressed her fingers against her temples. She was rambling.
“But it’s true, you know? My mother was always unhappy. Her parents died when she was a kid, and from what I hear grandma and gramps weren’t exactly living in wedded bliss. And then Mom ended up making a mess of her life, and now look at me. It keeps going on and on.”
She squeezed his hand. “I’m so sorry, Lee. I never wanted you to get caught up in the frakked-upedness that is my life. I wanted you to be safe. But apparently any involvement with me is enough to hurt you even if we aren’t -“ she swallowed hard, “together.” The way I wish we could be.
She pulled her hand away and stood up.
“Just don’t die.”
* * *
That night she performed the ritual of atonement. It was an ancient custom, and had fallen mostly by the wayside in the time since the Exodus, but Kara had been familiar with it since her teenage years and had first practiced it in the aftermath of her mother’s death. She never told anyone about it since most people regarded it as either a macabre custom that was more masochistic than beneficial or a relic of a barbaric and primitive past that was best forgotten. But for Kara it did feel like a way of unburdening her grief, of offering up some kind of payment for the wrongs she’d committed.
At this time of night there was no one in the small storage area off the hangar deck. Kara locked the door behind her and carefully arranged the items she’d brought - her idols, her knife, a small bowl. A candle. Bowl in front of the candle, with one idol on each side. She took a deep breath and lit the candle.
“Lords of Kobol hear the voice of your daughter, Kara Thrace, and guide me through this ritual. Accept my sacrifice and hear my prayer.”
She hefted the knife in her right hand and turned her left arm so that the veins on the underside glowed faintly in the candlelight. She only hesitated for a moment before carefully pressing the knifepoint into her flesh, just deep enough so that a steady flow of crimson blood came to the surface. She let a small amount drop into the bowl before taking her idols in her hands, ignoring the thin trickle of blood making its way down her wrist.
“Accept the offering of my blood, given willingly to atone for my sins against Lee Adama.”
She placed the idols into the bowl, Artemis on the left and Aphrodite on the right, the blood from her wrist lapping at their feet. She pulled her tanks off, shivering a bit in the cold air and pressed the tip of the knife against the skin just above her breast. She pushed it in until a few drops of crimson started to bead on the surface. Moving quickly, she pressed her fingers to the small wound and drew a line of blood from her forehead down the bridge of her nose, then another down to her navel.
“From my heart I do repent.”
Kara spent the next four hours locked in the closet, carefully pressing the knife to her wounds each time they started to close. The pain was her offering, the sign of her repentance and guilt. By spilling her own blood she showed the gods that she understood that she had sinned and that she was willing to accept punishment. It showed that she knew a mistake as great as the one she had made could not go without an offering of atonement on her part.
She only wished that there was some way she could go back in time and change what had happened, because no matter how much of her blood and pain she offered she would never be able to purge her heart of the guilt eating away at her.
* * *
Her rescue mission to Caprica was finally given the green light and Kara hid herself away for days going over strategies and running through simulations. She clung to the hope that she would find Sam still alive. She didn’t look too closely at her reasons for that hope - did she want to build a life with him, or was she just afraid that she would be haunted by guilt if she failed to return like she’d promised? It was easier to avoid the question and keep telling herself that she loved Sam; he made her happy.
When they saw each other again in the woods she knew that she cared deeply for him in some way, although she still wasn’t sure if she loved him with the same intensity that characterized her relationships with the Adama men. Still, maybe it could be enough. After all, she’d had a fairy tale love once, with Zak, and look how that had ended. It was better, safer for her to stay with someone that she liked and who was fun to be around even if he didn’t exactly sweep her off her feet. Besides, she’d give it time. Maybe things would spring up gradually between them, bit by bit, slowly enough to avoid the avalanches of bad luck that seemed to follow her around.
She dragged Sam into the bunkroom not long after they arrived back on Galactica to give him a proper welcoming ceremony, complete with plenty of booze. The part of her that was still thinking somewhat clearly was relieved that Lee didn’t show up until she was properly drunk - she didn’t think she could handle going through introductions when she was sober. She knew that that would only make her feel twisted up inside, looking at the man she had chosen and the man she wished she could choose standing side by side. Better to hide all of her doubts behind drunken happiness, cheerfully throwing her arms around Lee and giving Sam a heated kiss.
“He seems like a nice enough guy.”
Lee had stopped to talk to her in the hangar deck before catching the Raptor back to Pegasus. She pushed out from beneath her Viper and let her lips twist up in a small smile. She knew that there were streaks of grease on her arms and in her hair, and while it had never bothered her before she couldn’t help but think about how Dee was always immaculate in appearance.
“Yeah, he is. We have a lot in common.”
“Pyramid.”
“Among other things.” Kara tried to ignore the slight note of scorn in Lee’s voice. He’d always seen professional athletes as jocks, arrogant from living in the spotlight surrounded by constant adulation. He’d never really understood the thrill that came with standing in a pyramid court facing down your opponent, the physical exultation of grappling for control of the ball. It was a more visceral experience than flying. Flying was wonderful, being surrounded by the stars and intoxicated by the sensation of freedom to go anywhere, anywhere at all… but Kara also knew the joy of running and jumping, getting sweaty and grimy and feeling your muscles ache at the end of a game. And so did Sam.
Lee leaned against the Viper and smirked. “Like what?”
“He makes me happy, Lee. He’s nice. And things aren’t complicated with him.”
“Like they are with us?” Lee’s voice was flat and Kara swallowed hard. But her voice was quiet and steady when she answered.
“Exactly.”
Lee was quiet and Kara ducked back under her Viper. She didn’t want to have this conversation. She didn’t want to think too hard about who she had chosen.
It was easier this way, and better this way. For all of them.
* * *
Lee found her in the bunkroom just a few hours before her scheduled drop down to the surface of New Caprica packing her things. Sam had said that he thought that they should go planetside and try to build a life together down there. Kara hadn’t exactly been ecstatic at the prospect - after so many months there Galactica was more her home than anywhere else had been, and the thought of no longer flying made something inside her ache - but she supposed that she owed it to Sam to try. He’d never felt entirely comfortable on Galactica, being fully immersed in a world that belonged to her but not to them, and he wanted to create a life that was theirs together.
She couldn’t deny him that.
She heard the hatch creak open and knew immediately that it was Lee, but didn’t turn around. Maybe he’d just go away.
“I never thought you’d be so afraid.”
No such luck. Kara grabbed a crumpled shirt from the bottom of her locker and stuffed it into her duffel. “Huh?”
Lee crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. His face had a tense, unhappy cast to it that reminded her of how he’d looked when she’d pushed him away the time they’d almost had sex, during the hunt for Scar.
“You’re just running away again, just like you always do. Pretending that this is what you want so you can avoid looking at what’s in front of you.”
“Excuse me?” Kara turned around and glared at him. “I love Sam, you know. I want to build a life with him. Be happy for a change.”
“You don’t love him enough.”
Kara flushed hotly. “And what gives you that idea, sir?”
“You told me that you’re a screw-up and that you didn’t see yourself being happy, ever. So what changed, Kara? Is this guy you’ve only really known for less than a year enough to change your mind? Or are you just settling for second best because you’re too afraid to go after what you really want?”
She couldn’t admit to the truth behind his words, that while she knew she’d be able to survive losing Sam losing Lee would break her into a thousand irreparable pieces. She couldn’t take that kind of risk, and she didn’t want to drag Lee into her frakked-up, cursed life any more than he already was. It was safer for both of them to keep their distance.
“I don’t know what you want from me, Lee.” She let her lips curve up in her trademark Starbuck smirk and moved closer. “Unless you’re jealous of Sam? Is Dee not enough for you?”
Lee’s eyes flashed angrily. “See, Kara, that right there is why you can’t be happy. You’re so afraid of losing everything that you destroy it before it even has a chance. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. You aren’t happy because you won’t let yourself be, not because you can’t.”
“I never did anything to push Zak away from me!”
They stared at each other, breathing hard. Suddenly Lee pushed her against the wall and planted his hands on either side of her head. He leaned in so close that when he spoke his lips brushed against her ear. She couldn’t hold back an involuntary shiver of both desire and fear at his proximity.
“I’d never accuse you of that, Kara, but ever since then you’ve been afraid that that will happen again. What you don’t seem to realize is that you’re just hurting yourself and everyone who cares about you even more by closing yourself off.”
Kara’s voice was so soft that close as he was Lee had to strain to hear her.
“I’m cursed, Lee. It’s in my blood. Everything I touch just dies. And I can’t let that happen to you.”
Lee cursed violently and she couldn’t quite help flinching. He pushed away from her and ran his hands through his hair distractedly.
“That’s not true, Kara. It’s your excuse. But you know what? It’s bullshit. If you were just willing to try, you could have what you want. There are people who are even willing to help you, in spite of everything. You can change your destiny, if you’re only willing to try.”
Kara shook her head wordlessly. Lee sighed and reached out to press his hand against her cheek.
“I’ll wait for you for a while, Kara, but not forever. So you have to choose. Are you going to keep hiding behind this belief that you’re trapped by some destiny of unhappiness, or are you going to defy it and live your own life? It’s up to you. Face your fear, or let it control you.”
Kara stared at the ground and tried hard not to cry. She felt Lee’s hand drop away from her skin in a gentle caress and listened to the hatch close behind him as he left.
Face her fear or let it control her.
She touched the almost invisible scars that marked the ritual of atonement she’d performed time and again. She thought about her mother, and about the story of Medea. Then she thought about Lee and Sam.
Maybe someday she could find the strength to fight her curse.
Maybe.
Someday.
Author: ennyousai
Rating: PG-13. Nothing graphic in here.
Word Count: ~3370
Spoilers: Up through the end of Season Two, but that's it.
Other Relevant Info: Written for the klficathon for ancarett who requested a look at why Kara believes she doesn't deserve to be happy during S2. I hope that this satisfies her request. For those who don't know, Medea is a character from the classical myth of Jason and the Argonauts. I wanted to play with the idea that legends from the Twelve Tribes' time on Kobol became part of our own Greek mythology, and that was part of the inspiration for this story.
Sincere thanks to Coucher and Christina, who beta-ed this for me.
This is X-posted to numerous places, so chances are you'll see it more than once.
As a child Kara was always fascinated by her mother’s ancient bronze statuette of a woman kneeling with her hands upraised in grief. It didn’t have the elegant simplicity of her own small idols of Aphrodite and Artemis, but there was something compelling about the rawness of her anguish. When she asked her mother about it she answered curtly that it was a representation of Medea, a woman of Picon who had lived on Kobol before the Exodus. She wouldn’t say anything more.
Socrata Thrace was a deeply religious woman who believed that the Lords still listened to human prayers and that the oracles could truly see into the Otherworld. Kara grew up going to the Temples regularly and always made sure to give offerings on the feast days. She studied the histories of the Tribes along with the Scriptures and legends, and when she was thirteen she came across a small footnote in the story of the Exodus from Kobol. The people were becoming competitive and jealous, quick to anger and slow to forgive. There was increased bloodshed, and longstanding feuds grew up during different families. During this time of turbulence a man of Caprica named Iason became the lover of a very powerful Picon priestess named Medea. She loved him deeply, but he left her to marry the daughter of one of the great Caprican nobles. Medea went mad with grief and killed her two young sons, the sons that she had borne Iason during the first flush of their love; then placed a curse on him that all of his descendents would have their happiness destroyed by sorrow, again and again and again.
The story sent a chill through Kara. To be so consumed by anger that she would utter such an awful curse… it was unthinkable.
“Why keep a statue of that woman?” Kara asked her mother, and for once she was given an answer.
“We are her descendants and we still carry her curse.” Socrata’s face grew hard and angry and Kara remembered how she had downed bottle after bottle of ambrosia when Kara’s father left. “When Medea cursed Iason’s children she didn’t know she was pregnant. And when she found out she wanted to kill the baby, but because the child was female she couldn’t do such a thing. But she never showed her daughter any love or kindness and laughed when the girl’s husband died of the plague.”
“Sound familiar?” asked Kara snidely. The slap to her face was not unexpected.
* * *
Kara tried to forget the story of Medea. She respected the gods, and believed in the Scriptures, but she was wary of believing that her own family was mentioned in them. The Exodus had happened thousands of years ago, and it was impossible to know what aspects of their life on Kobol were true and what was nothing more than myth. There was no Sciptural mention of Medea and Iason’s descendents beyond the second generation, so it was quite possible that their line had simply died out. It was highly unlikely that the Thrace bloodline could trace their ancestry back to the doomed couple; therefore it was almost impossible that Kara had inherited a madwoman’s curse. It was just another expression of her mother’s discontent; another one of Socrata’s attempts to cripple her daugher.
She made a life for herself, and she was happy. She loved to fly, and she was good at it. She made friends at the Academy and reached officer status. She met Zak; warm, intelligent, handsome Zak Adama whom she fell madly in love with and who loved her back, so much that he asked her to marry him. It was enough to make her forget about her fingers breaking in the doorjamb, or her mother dying in pain and alone, or curses that had their origins in the distant past.
But of course that didn’t last.
* * *
Two days after Kat took down Scar, Lee met Kara as she was coming in from CAP. She was sweaty and tired and wanted to just grab a shower and hit her bunk for a few hours, but Lee had always been good at ignoring the signs that she was in no mood to be talked at and insisted on dragging her into an empty supply cabinet.
“We all know that it doesn’t mean anything,” he said earnestly. “You were the one who set the shot up for Kat. If you hadn’t been there she couldn’t have done it.”
Kara shrugged. “Yeah, I know.”
Lee kept watching her and Kara remembered how it had felt to kiss him, run her hands over his warm skin. She felt a wave of such intense longing wash over her that she had to close her eyes. She knew that she wanted this man - knew that she might even love him - but all she could see when she closed her eyes was Zak’s Viper exploding and the coffin being lowered into the ground. A single traitorous tear escaped her tightly shut lids and slid slowly down her cheek.
“Kara?”
She opened her eyes and saw in Lee’s expression that he wouldn’t stand for any evasions. With a pang of shame she remembered how she had thrown herself at him and then pushed him away when she realized he wanted more than a casual frak. Even after that he still looked at her with an expression that told her that he cared for her, probably more than she deserved. She owed him an attempt at an explanation, at least.
“Everything’s falling apart, Lee. Everything that I believed would make me happy is gone. First Zak died, then I left Sam behind on Caprica, and now even my flying is off. It’s in my blood, that I can never be happy.”
Lee’s brow furrowed. “What?”
Kara thought about telling him about Medea and how pain and misery had been passed down through that bloodline like a sickness. But Lee didn’t believe in the gods or the scriptures and he wouldn’t understand.
“I just… can’t, Lee. I’m a screw-up, remember? Bright shiny futures aren’t for people like me.”
She turned to go. She almost didn’t catch his parting words, they were spoken so softly.
“You don’t know that unless you fight for it.”
But she had. She had, and failed.
* * *
But even pushing Lee away didn’t protect him because he was on Cloud Nine when the agitators chose to make their move, and then she shot him.
She didn’t go in to sit beside him until Dee was gone and he was asleep. He didn’t stir when she carefully reached out and twined her fingers with his.
“I’m sorry.” She swallowed hard and forced back her tears. They wouldn’t help Lee.
“I pushed you away because I wanted to protect you. You know how in the scriptures it says that all of this has happened before and all of it will happen again? That’s the story of my life, Lee. The story of my whole family, apparently. Because there was this woman named Medea and she was crazy and cursed all of her lover’s descendants but didn’t know that she was pregnant, and so…”
She stopped and pressed her fingers against her temples. She was rambling.
“But it’s true, you know? My mother was always unhappy. Her parents died when she was a kid, and from what I hear grandma and gramps weren’t exactly living in wedded bliss. And then Mom ended up making a mess of her life, and now look at me. It keeps going on and on.”
She squeezed his hand. “I’m so sorry, Lee. I never wanted you to get caught up in the frakked-upedness that is my life. I wanted you to be safe. But apparently any involvement with me is enough to hurt you even if we aren’t -“ she swallowed hard, “together.” The way I wish we could be.
She pulled her hand away and stood up.
“Just don’t die.”
* * *
That night she performed the ritual of atonement. It was an ancient custom, and had fallen mostly by the wayside in the time since the Exodus, but Kara had been familiar with it since her teenage years and had first practiced it in the aftermath of her mother’s death. She never told anyone about it since most people regarded it as either a macabre custom that was more masochistic than beneficial or a relic of a barbaric and primitive past that was best forgotten. But for Kara it did feel like a way of unburdening her grief, of offering up some kind of payment for the wrongs she’d committed.
At this time of night there was no one in the small storage area off the hangar deck. Kara locked the door behind her and carefully arranged the items she’d brought - her idols, her knife, a small bowl. A candle. Bowl in front of the candle, with one idol on each side. She took a deep breath and lit the candle.
“Lords of Kobol hear the voice of your daughter, Kara Thrace, and guide me through this ritual. Accept my sacrifice and hear my prayer.”
She hefted the knife in her right hand and turned her left arm so that the veins on the underside glowed faintly in the candlelight. She only hesitated for a moment before carefully pressing the knifepoint into her flesh, just deep enough so that a steady flow of crimson blood came to the surface. She let a small amount drop into the bowl before taking her idols in her hands, ignoring the thin trickle of blood making its way down her wrist.
“Accept the offering of my blood, given willingly to atone for my sins against Lee Adama.”
She placed the idols into the bowl, Artemis on the left and Aphrodite on the right, the blood from her wrist lapping at their feet. She pulled her tanks off, shivering a bit in the cold air and pressed the tip of the knife against the skin just above her breast. She pushed it in until a few drops of crimson started to bead on the surface. Moving quickly, she pressed her fingers to the small wound and drew a line of blood from her forehead down the bridge of her nose, then another down to her navel.
“From my heart I do repent.”
Kara spent the next four hours locked in the closet, carefully pressing the knife to her wounds each time they started to close. The pain was her offering, the sign of her repentance and guilt. By spilling her own blood she showed the gods that she understood that she had sinned and that she was willing to accept punishment. It showed that she knew a mistake as great as the one she had made could not go without an offering of atonement on her part.
She only wished that there was some way she could go back in time and change what had happened, because no matter how much of her blood and pain she offered she would never be able to purge her heart of the guilt eating away at her.
* * *
Her rescue mission to Caprica was finally given the green light and Kara hid herself away for days going over strategies and running through simulations. She clung to the hope that she would find Sam still alive. She didn’t look too closely at her reasons for that hope - did she want to build a life with him, or was she just afraid that she would be haunted by guilt if she failed to return like she’d promised? It was easier to avoid the question and keep telling herself that she loved Sam; he made her happy.
When they saw each other again in the woods she knew that she cared deeply for him in some way, although she still wasn’t sure if she loved him with the same intensity that characterized her relationships with the Adama men. Still, maybe it could be enough. After all, she’d had a fairy tale love once, with Zak, and look how that had ended. It was better, safer for her to stay with someone that she liked and who was fun to be around even if he didn’t exactly sweep her off her feet. Besides, she’d give it time. Maybe things would spring up gradually between them, bit by bit, slowly enough to avoid the avalanches of bad luck that seemed to follow her around.
She dragged Sam into the bunkroom not long after they arrived back on Galactica to give him a proper welcoming ceremony, complete with plenty of booze. The part of her that was still thinking somewhat clearly was relieved that Lee didn’t show up until she was properly drunk - she didn’t think she could handle going through introductions when she was sober. She knew that that would only make her feel twisted up inside, looking at the man she had chosen and the man she wished she could choose standing side by side. Better to hide all of her doubts behind drunken happiness, cheerfully throwing her arms around Lee and giving Sam a heated kiss.
“He seems like a nice enough guy.”
Lee had stopped to talk to her in the hangar deck before catching the Raptor back to Pegasus. She pushed out from beneath her Viper and let her lips twist up in a small smile. She knew that there were streaks of grease on her arms and in her hair, and while it had never bothered her before she couldn’t help but think about how Dee was always immaculate in appearance.
“Yeah, he is. We have a lot in common.”
“Pyramid.”
“Among other things.” Kara tried to ignore the slight note of scorn in Lee’s voice. He’d always seen professional athletes as jocks, arrogant from living in the spotlight surrounded by constant adulation. He’d never really understood the thrill that came with standing in a pyramid court facing down your opponent, the physical exultation of grappling for control of the ball. It was a more visceral experience than flying. Flying was wonderful, being surrounded by the stars and intoxicated by the sensation of freedom to go anywhere, anywhere at all… but Kara also knew the joy of running and jumping, getting sweaty and grimy and feeling your muscles ache at the end of a game. And so did Sam.
Lee leaned against the Viper and smirked. “Like what?”
“He makes me happy, Lee. He’s nice. And things aren’t complicated with him.”
“Like they are with us?” Lee’s voice was flat and Kara swallowed hard. But her voice was quiet and steady when she answered.
“Exactly.”
Lee was quiet and Kara ducked back under her Viper. She didn’t want to have this conversation. She didn’t want to think too hard about who she had chosen.
It was easier this way, and better this way. For all of them.
* * *
Lee found her in the bunkroom just a few hours before her scheduled drop down to the surface of New Caprica packing her things. Sam had said that he thought that they should go planetside and try to build a life together down there. Kara hadn’t exactly been ecstatic at the prospect - after so many months there Galactica was more her home than anywhere else had been, and the thought of no longer flying made something inside her ache - but she supposed that she owed it to Sam to try. He’d never felt entirely comfortable on Galactica, being fully immersed in a world that belonged to her but not to them, and he wanted to create a life that was theirs together.
She couldn’t deny him that.
She heard the hatch creak open and knew immediately that it was Lee, but didn’t turn around. Maybe he’d just go away.
“I never thought you’d be so afraid.”
No such luck. Kara grabbed a crumpled shirt from the bottom of her locker and stuffed it into her duffel. “Huh?”
Lee crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. His face had a tense, unhappy cast to it that reminded her of how he’d looked when she’d pushed him away the time they’d almost had sex, during the hunt for Scar.
“You’re just running away again, just like you always do. Pretending that this is what you want so you can avoid looking at what’s in front of you.”
“Excuse me?” Kara turned around and glared at him. “I love Sam, you know. I want to build a life with him. Be happy for a change.”
“You don’t love him enough.”
Kara flushed hotly. “And what gives you that idea, sir?”
“You told me that you’re a screw-up and that you didn’t see yourself being happy, ever. So what changed, Kara? Is this guy you’ve only really known for less than a year enough to change your mind? Or are you just settling for second best because you’re too afraid to go after what you really want?”
She couldn’t admit to the truth behind his words, that while she knew she’d be able to survive losing Sam losing Lee would break her into a thousand irreparable pieces. She couldn’t take that kind of risk, and she didn’t want to drag Lee into her frakked-up, cursed life any more than he already was. It was safer for both of them to keep their distance.
“I don’t know what you want from me, Lee.” She let her lips curve up in her trademark Starbuck smirk and moved closer. “Unless you’re jealous of Sam? Is Dee not enough for you?”
Lee’s eyes flashed angrily. “See, Kara, that right there is why you can’t be happy. You’re so afraid of losing everything that you destroy it before it even has a chance. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. You aren’t happy because you won’t let yourself be, not because you can’t.”
“I never did anything to push Zak away from me!”
They stared at each other, breathing hard. Suddenly Lee pushed her against the wall and planted his hands on either side of her head. He leaned in so close that when he spoke his lips brushed against her ear. She couldn’t hold back an involuntary shiver of both desire and fear at his proximity.
“I’d never accuse you of that, Kara, but ever since then you’ve been afraid that that will happen again. What you don’t seem to realize is that you’re just hurting yourself and everyone who cares about you even more by closing yourself off.”
Kara’s voice was so soft that close as he was Lee had to strain to hear her.
“I’m cursed, Lee. It’s in my blood. Everything I touch just dies. And I can’t let that happen to you.”
Lee cursed violently and she couldn’t quite help flinching. He pushed away from her and ran his hands through his hair distractedly.
“That’s not true, Kara. It’s your excuse. But you know what? It’s bullshit. If you were just willing to try, you could have what you want. There are people who are even willing to help you, in spite of everything. You can change your destiny, if you’re only willing to try.”
Kara shook her head wordlessly. Lee sighed and reached out to press his hand against her cheek.
“I’ll wait for you for a while, Kara, but not forever. So you have to choose. Are you going to keep hiding behind this belief that you’re trapped by some destiny of unhappiness, or are you going to defy it and live your own life? It’s up to you. Face your fear, or let it control you.”
Kara stared at the ground and tried hard not to cry. She felt Lee’s hand drop away from her skin in a gentle caress and listened to the hatch close behind him as he left.
Face her fear or let it control her.
She touched the almost invisible scars that marked the ritual of atonement she’d performed time and again. She thought about her mother, and about the story of Medea. Then she thought about Lee and Sam.
Maybe someday she could find the strength to fight her curse.
Maybe.
Someday.