Here we go again.
Folks, I feel shittier than I have in a long, long time. My problem is this: I apparently don't make enough money to live on my own. I apparently need to be more frugal, but I needed to start awhile back. I'm getting paid one more time next week, and that should give me enough to cover rent. My car payment, cell phone bill and credit card statement are other matters. And they're all due damn soon.
I don't know how long I'll be unemployed. I mean, let me get one thing straight. I suck at interviews. I can't sell myself for shit. I do irrational things like post on LJ when I should be looking for more jobs. I find myself paralyzed with fear and indecision.
I mean, for fuck's sake, I am closer to just offing myself than I've been in a long time. I know I've had offers of staying with people if things don't work out, but I don't want to have to depend on someone else just to survive. I want to be able to meet the terms of my lease and other financial obligations.
As it is, I owe a couple of friends quite a bit of money. And now to make it another month, I'm probably going to have to ask another friend for yet another loan. All I do is dig a deeper and deeper hole.
And there is no bottom. Things can always get worse. So I've been thinking of ways I could kill myself. Doing some research, too. It calms me down. If I can think rationally about that, then I can turn that reasoning to other subjects, like getting another job.
As it is, I've spent most of today contemplating what I should do if this is my last weekend alive. What foods I'd want to eat. What messages I'd write to people. How I'd want my remains disposed of. The hurt and pain I'd be avoiding from the future, as well as the hurt and pain I'd be causing in those who care about me.
So I'm going to write an email to try to get me out of this shithole I've gotten myself into. Then I'm going to search for jobs. Then I'm going to apply for jobs. Then maybe I'll pass out. I took a five hour nap after work today, though. I can't really sleep right now.
I feel like I've failed you, though. "You" being anyone who gives a shit about me.
I don't know how long I'll be unemployed. I mean, let me get one thing straight. I suck at interviews. I can't sell myself for shit. I do irrational things like post on LJ when I should be looking for more jobs. I find myself paralyzed with fear and indecision.
I mean, for fuck's sake, I am closer to just offing myself than I've been in a long time. I know I've had offers of staying with people if things don't work out, but I don't want to have to depend on someone else just to survive. I want to be able to meet the terms of my lease and other financial obligations.
As it is, I owe a couple of friends quite a bit of money. And now to make it another month, I'm probably going to have to ask another friend for yet another loan. All I do is dig a deeper and deeper hole.
And there is no bottom. Things can always get worse. So I've been thinking of ways I could kill myself. Doing some research, too. It calms me down. If I can think rationally about that, then I can turn that reasoning to other subjects, like getting another job.
As it is, I've spent most of today contemplating what I should do if this is my last weekend alive. What foods I'd want to eat. What messages I'd write to people. How I'd want my remains disposed of. The hurt and pain I'd be avoiding from the future, as well as the hurt and pain I'd be causing in those who care about me.
So I'm going to write an email to try to get me out of this shithole I've gotten myself into. Then I'm going to search for jobs. Then I'm going to apply for jobs. Then maybe I'll pass out. I took a five hour nap after work today, though. I can't really sleep right now.
I feel like I've failed you, though. "You" being anyone who gives a shit about me.